My name is Trixie (aka TastyTrixie). The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more.
The Fourth of July isn't my absolute favorite holiday, but I do enjoy it a lot -- especially small town fireworks displays like ours. We also bought a small tabletop propane grill today to celebrate the American way with cheeseburgers and replace our rusted out charcoal grill.
In keeping with a celebration of our great capitalist country:
I hate to break it to those of you who read my blog through a feed reader, but you'll have to click through now and actually VISIT my blog to read my posts from start to finish (if you want to). I actually set my feed settings years ago BEFORE I actually started reading other people's blogs through a feed reader myself so until recently I didn't realize how unlikely it is for anyone to see my blog presented in all of its obnoxious glory when they can have it generically spoon fed to them through a reader.
I totally understand how much easier on the eyes it is to read through a feed reader but other than that, it's not very hard to click through to the original post and see it presented with the personality of the blogger who wrote it (me, in this case). After about a year of using a feed reader (I use Google Reader) to keep up with my favorite blogs I've noticed I feel more detached from the people who write them. It's like swallowing food without chewing it -- just gulping it down. I also don't like that some elements in my posts aren't properly displayed, if they're displayed at all (example: flash or video elements).
On top of that, my blog doesn't make as much money as it used to before the rise in popularity of feedreaders. Of course there are a number of reasons for that, but the fact that more people are reading me while fewer people are seeing advertisements for my sites and other sites I promote PROBABLY plays a pretty big part. I have never been one of those people who feels the need to apologize for wanting my work on the web to make some money so I'm not going to start now, especially since I think most of my selling is pretty soft/laid-back. I don't shove advertisements down readers' throats constantly, but I am also not going to keep throwing away my real estate when I can least afford to do so. I want people to be reminded every time they read my blog of my little amateur porn empire and crappy design "skills". Every time people read my blog, I want them to see my picture in the sidebar. I do not want people to see me as something contained within google or feedburner or whatever-the-hell. It's depersonalizing and also just not very smart on my part as a webwhore.
I know for SOME people the whole point of using a reader to consume blogs is getting all the content in one place. For me, using a reader is actually more about being alerted when posts are made to my favorite blogs without having to compulsively click and refresh a million links in a list to see if my beloved bloggers have updated yet. It's also about being able to organize, favorite and label blogs and posts. Reading other people's blogs has always felt very intimate to me and I want it to keep being that way; I don't like the way my reliance on Google Reader has made all the blogs I used to recognize on sight conform to the same look and feel. I've also hardly added any new blogs to my lineup because I'm not visiting people's blogs and clicking on their links anymore. I'm totally missing out! So yeah -- I'm just not going to give readers the option anymore to ignore my sidebars and shit. Plplplplplpl!!
Just to rub salt in your wounds, I added a gigantic flash animated Fleshlight banner over there. BECAUSE EVERYONE WITH A DICK SHOULD HAVE ONE and it makes me totally hot to look at those kinds of things being played with or even just presented on display (see also my entry on Tiny Fake Pussies). If I find a less obnoxious banner that I like just as much that shows some "action", I will replace it, though. Or maybe if someone says that it gave them a seizure.
Anyhoo, here are a few little images from the video we posted yesterday for members:
The goofiest stuff to be seen and heard on our spycams comes from our kitchen cam where Delia cooks and I come in to harass her. Whatever song I have stuck in my head is screeched out loudly, bizarre dance moves are revealed, body spasms are articulated.
Here's a little photographic evidence (shot by remote on our Nikon D300, not webcam snags) of us dork dancing to the soundtrack in our minds:
In less fun news of self-employment on the internet, we've had our share of little challenges. One of the big ones: our sites got hacked and a malware script was installed on most of the main index pages. Our hosting company immediately helped me fix it when I discovered it RIGHT as I was about to do a show but we weren't fast enough for one site, BloodyTrixie, so it got a big warning slapped on it by google which they quickly removed after I used their webmaster tools to report that the malware had been removed and *I* didn't put it there (this type of hacking happens to people -- has even happened to google, yahoo, etc. THEMSELVES -- so often they had a really good, easy-to-submit-to, process to go through to get it remedied). I hope everyone realizes how important it is to have good security software to detect these things because this can happen to any site you trust and have surfed safely forever. I personally use PrevX (which is how I discovered the problem in the first place when it alerted me that I got malware from one of my own fucking sites).
Anyway, it could have been much worse, but even then it's one of those freaky things that makes you realize how ephemeral and vulnerable your content, reputation, page rank, search engine placement, trustworthiness, etc. are to having some stranger in motherfucking Russia or Belarus or wherever-the-hell robotically shitting on all of your work. The REALLY scary thing is imagining how ruined you could be if someone actually had a personal vendetta against you and decided to fuck with you.
We've also had a random power outage this week (making our spycams go down), then almost two hours of our main internet connection being down for everybody in our county (making most of our spycams go down AGAIN), and before that our main spycam host taking a dive in the middle of the night PLUS one of our OTHER spycam hosts having a bunch of downtime (meaning cam downtime on THAT system). AND when I finally got around to running a backup of my main machine's hard drive the whole thing took a gigantic shit and I thought I might have been too late. Two dozen blue screens of death and many hours later I got it fixed (AND backed up), though (and no -- I'm not buying that this is because I use PCs; in all my years of PC use I've never had a problem like this; I've never even had a hard drive fail on me [except for the one in my old laptop that I spilled liquids on] and LOOK! It's all fixie-pooed!).
Anyway, at times these are the things that lend a nightmarish quality to working for yourself and relying upon electronics and stuff. Maintaining your vulnerable little tools is, you know, WORK. And sometimes I feel like I have no control over any of it or competency to deal with it. You're always babysitting and battling a bunch of overheated computer monsters.
We've got webcam shows and a members-only chat scheduled today. Members can check out our google calendar here for details.
The other night we heard Martin Short ask Conan O'Brien if it's okay to say "penis" on television. Conesy assured him that if it's a "medical" word you can say it on tv. So they said it, "PENIS", over and over. Martin also said, "ding dong", "my unit" and a whole bunch of other terms as he used his hands to indicate EXACTLY what part of his body he was talking about.
Guess what happens if you do a search for "clitoris"? BIG FAT ZERO.
I only learned of this reading Susie Bright's post about this twisted double standard. Of course, to be fair, "vagina" doesn't seem to be considered a dirty word since I just turned on strict filtering and did a search for that term and came up with (considerably fewer than penis) results so . . . yeah.
It IS upsetting and there's clearly a weird double standard; it's hilarious (in a very dark way) that anyone would think a clitoris is more dangerous than a penis, and "dangerous" IS the opposite of "safe", isn't it? Still, I don't know that I feel exactly the same way about it that Susie does, though I think hers is an important perspective full of many truths and that we should all be pissed off about this kind of bullshit. But part of the hate, shame, and willful ignorance of women and women's bodies is wrapped up in the shame and disgust men feel (and women AND MANY *FEMINISTS* REINFORCE AND ENCOURAGE) over straight men's sexual response to women. If it's a part of the body that makes a straight man's dick hard -- something they want to see and touch and lick and talk about and see pictures of -- then it needs to be censored to save those crazed pudwhackers from themselves and the women from the damage that is wrought when men think of women in a sexual way!
I'm not sure "the giant obscene 'F' word in Internet censorship is feminism". Yes, I think this is a feminist issue, for sure, but I don't think the sole or even the primary motive for/cause of banning a word like "clitoris" from google's safe search is a clear desire to silence feminists and shroud women and their bodies in a reinforced veil of ignorance. Sure, that's one of many RESULTS (and there are plenty of places where plenty of people DO make silencing feminists and campaigning against women and knowledge of women's bodies number one on their agenda) and it's easy to see why Susie would feel especially pissed about it when she's not one of the sex-negative feminists who thinks that every boner sprung is a rape waiting to happen (a way of thinking that, combined with the conservative, supposedly apolitical woman's belief that every time a man masturbates to pictures of women who aren't his wife that a family is destroyed, has made the men who are still in charge very eager to PRETEND to try to disapprove along with us of their dirty habit of jacking off over images of our bodies) . . . and when you turn safe search off to find "clitoris", the seventh page-one result is her post on the internal clitoris, etc. Obviously safe search filters could make it harder for Susie to sell books.
A little diversion: laughably, the retarded UNfactual "ask men dating and love tip" page on "understanding the clitoris" ranks higher than Susie's or Scarleteen's pages, but that's probably because a site like AskMen works a lot harder on search engine optimization than educators, artists, writers, political activists, etc.). The web used to be more of a woman, but now it's poorly micromanaged by algorithms cooked up by men. Are their little mathematical formulas conscious attempts to censor feminist obscenities (like truth)? No. I don't think so.
There are so many more pointed ways that women and the truths about our bodies told from our own perspectives are smacked down by corporate censors that the banned google clitoris isn't at the top of my list of things to use as an example. It's the more obvious and uncomplicated stuff I've had to deal with as a pornographer (one of those "commercial porn-makers" Susie identifies as someone who she thinks doesn't suffer from bans and censorship the way artists, writers, educators and political activists do, which is an annoying and probably unintentional slap in the face I've felt delivered from the latter group and their "poor, starving, I-do-it-for-love-not-money mentality" before -- I guess they always think we'll know that they don't mean pornographers like Tony Comstock who of course get to be included as ARTISTES) that really chap my hide as clear-cut cases of misogyny combined with the anti-sex backlash perpetrated by the feminists who deign to speak for all of us. Again, it's not that Susie is one of those people, it's just that I see feminism as one of many complex contributors to internet censorship, not just a victim of it.
So what IS a clear cut case of anti-woman, ignorance-enforcing internet censorship? When credit card companies and their processors tell me my body (and yours, if you're a woman) is OBSCENE when I'm menstruating and I'm not allowed to talk about it or show pictures of it or have sex with myself or other people while I'm having my period on any domain where I make money selling my porn. When they spider our sites looking for banned words, take them out of context and threaten to take away our ability to be paid for our work even when it IS political, educational, artistic, etc. Guess what? Google is not the entity afraid of my bloody pussy. Google is not the entity hiding or demanding I delete blog entries discussing political, legal and ethical issues containing banned words. I just have to cross my fingers when I make posts like this one that they won't come fuck with me, but technically I am defying their terms of service right now by posting this and could have my business shut down because of it. And it's not just "the man" who's against me, it's the (other) feminists, too.
Censorship isn't something you can blame all on men and their holy penises and their desire to stamp out feminism. And I'm starting to rethink that great old joke she mentioned; "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." It's totally true, but I'll bet if that were the case today, feminists would quickly become the new pro-lifers. The gender wars are far from one-sided and I've been hit by a whole fucking lot of "friendly fire" over here on "our" side.
I know I'm being oversensitive and carelessly lobbing my own grenades in the wrong direction at people who are my allies, but oversimplifying everything as "anti-feminist" undermines all of our arguments and neglects to acknowledge the ways that some of feminism's "successes" have led to these failures along the way. There's a bit Bill Maher does that annoys the FUCK out of me to listen to (off-topic sidenote: I didn't like much about "Religulous", fyi), but I can't help thinking of it right now because some of it's true and applicable:
My guess is that banning "clitoris" has very little (if anything) to do with a campaign to censor feminist thought and information and women's bodies, and a whole lot more to do with thoughtlessness along with this thing Bill Maher talks about, with men trained to bow to "feminized"/feminINE values that anything that makes them erect is BAD. When you layer that onto the big problems that we SHOULD be focusing on like a) the people that make decisions in big companies being men, and b) men assuming everyone who uses their tools (like search engines) ARE men, and c) all men are straight, you wind up with guys jumping to the conclusion that any search for a clitoris is one that's going to make someone bust a nut and is therefore unsafe. Or maybe a whole lot of confused and retarded thought WAS put into it (with a, b and c still factored in) and they decided that since, as feminists will proudly point out to you, they've heard that clitoris is the only organ with the sole function of PLEASURE, and MEN HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THAT THEIR PLEASURE IS BAD if they experience it themselves, especially by objectifying women in pictures or on the internet, that it should be banned. Or maybe it's totally ridiculous to imagine ANY THOUGHT WHATSOEVER went into this arbitrary "decision". I highly doubt that a bunch of people came together in a room with a picture of a cock on one side of the chalkboard and a vulva on the other, and came to a consensus that CLITORIS is a dirty word but PENIS isn't, and high-fived each other on the way out the door saying, "right on, man! Another way to stick it to feminism!!"
Ultimately I think it's paranoid to say, "it's been clear for a long time that the giant obscene "F" word in Internet censorship is feminism." And untrue. And I say that as someone who believes it IS true that feminism (and accurate information about women) is censored, misrepresented, considered obscene and something to quash and oppose on a very large, grand scale. I just don't think that's the case here with google and the clitoris, and if you want to point at double standards, the more glaring one is ignoring how much power and influence feminists and women in general have had and continue to wield in censoring the internet, art, and women who capitalize (the first offense) on men's desires by selling them access to their bodies (second offense). It's wrong to imply that feminist writers, artists, etc. have suffered more from internet censorship than pornographers.
Sure, feminist writers, artists, etc. make less money than smut peddlers as a whole, but that disparity has nothing to do with censorship - porn makes money in SPITE of censorship that FAVORS women writers and artists (who don't create graphic material that is VISUAL), and is DEMANDED by the tag team duo of feminists and conservative women. You want to know why most women don't make money on the internet? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. Because they don't even try. Because they are content sitting around bitching and blogging and crying on each other's shoulders feeling superior because they aren't whores motivated by money, no they care about PRINCIPLES and getting warm fuzzies commiserating with each other and expect the "community" to take care of them rather than creating something marketable and making enough money to buy influence and support their causes themselves. Because they rely on the man to pay them just enough that they can bitch about it being unfair and that they only do it because they HAVE to, rather than BECOMING the man long enough and with enough success that they can subvert the system. Women don't make money because they love just scraping by and they think that makes them superior to men, because they don't think big except in terms of imagining some big plot designed to keep them barefoot and pregnant.
Whatever. Enough of this baloney -- I need to stop being a hypocrite and make me some fucking money.
Tonight's ending on a very positive note that could even be viewed as a metaphor for other things going on in our lives; we finally installed a second hard drive for storage on my main work machine so I'm moving big files off my weighted-down C drive. It feels like a fresh start! Right now I'm filling up some of that space by transferring non-work photos over to this machine so I can enjoy playing with shots we've taken for fun/to learn about our camera.
November 20th: a buck Delia spotted in our neighbor's backyard:
Our "new" camera (Nikon D300) has been therapeutic for me, making me stop and take time out to really LOOK and lose myself in details outside of myself. I'm not the kind of person who tries to capture EVERYTHING with a camera -- I definitely appreciate being in the moment with family, friends and on vacation -- but when we're at home (which is the same as being at work unless we make a really concerted effort for it not to be) doing the daily grind it's a big challenge for me to get out of my head. But now, when something mundane and beautiful captures my attention I feel justified in grabbing the camera, ostensibly to learn to take better photographs, and spending 5-20 minutes to really SEE and try to understand what I'm seeing: the light, the textures, the motion . . . challenging myself over what's real and not real because it can look so different viewed with my eyes compared to how it's captured by the camera. Immersing myself in all those different versions of truth and light and darkness and the stories we instantly create and details we insert after pulling them out of our asses when we think we're looking at our surroundings.
Looking out our window a few hours ago:
We actually bought three 500 GB hard drives months ago for three different machines and up until today, had only installed ONE of them because of little nuisances like not having Dell's annoying little drive "caddies", not having serial ATA cables with the 90 to 180 degree corner jobbies so the case will close properly, me despising crawling around on the floor fucking with all the cables and cords tangled around dust bunnies, etc. If you heard me screaming last night it was when I bashed my elbow into the corner of my desk during that process. Anyway, we finally took care of it and I ordered everything we need to install a couple more on other machines.
The past couple of days I had the alarm set for 8:30 in the morning to try to get us back into a groove of semi-normalcy; at least I *thought* I set the alarm for 8:30. Turns out I forgot to adjust the ipod when the time changed so we were actually being woken up at 7:30 which just didn't feel right. We'll try again tomorrow. Maybe I'll even start my day by going outside with the camera.
*Last night I enjoyed a conversation with my wanker in which I wasted lots of time raving about this Teddy Thompson fellow and a performance we saw on Later with Jools Holland. Here it is, and it slays me:
I've only downloaded one of his songs (a cover of "She Thinks I Still Care", one of my all-time faves) because there's no way I can narrow it down so I'm trying to hold out to be able to buy some of his albums, though I will probably download his cover of Leonard Cohen's "Tonight Will Be Fine":
I'm glad there's still no clear winner from yesterday's pick-me-a-blog-topic post because I don't have enough time to blog or masturbate or do anything enjoyable except snatch some tv while we're eating as therapy to recover from the stress of . . . not having enough time/having time sucked up by STUPID stuff. Uncreative, unsexy, uninspiring, frustrating, lame-ass, stupid stuff.
Specifically? Too many hours spent over three (not consecutive, phew!) days replacing our router. Summing it up in one sentence like that hardly seems fair to me and only makes ME look stupid. Like only a dumb fuck could lose days of work on what sounds like such a simple little task. But it wasn't simple (and even when it was, it was still excruciatingly time and money-consuming) and was connected to many other things. Being a camgirl/pornographer? So not fucking glamorous most of the time. And it's not just me: pretty much all of my fellow camgirl/pornographer friends are constantly battling the same obnoxious tech shit that interrupts the fun parts of our jobs and makes us all want to just go bathe in gravy-covered carbs. Tech problems are the ultimate turn-off.
Sometimes when my eyeballs feel like they're about to pop out of my head from the force of my frustration and I start hyperventilating and looking around for things to throw out the window (or AT the window while it's still closed so they'll both make satisfyingly loud shattering sounds), I try to calm down by asking myself, "what would I do if I were an Officer on the Starship Enterprise? I certainly wouldn't behave like this, even if WebWhore Headquarters were about to blow up in forty-five seconds!" Patience! Faith in one's own problem-solving abilities! Barely a sense of urgency: just a confident, one-step-at-a-time pursuit of a solution with nary a raise in my heart rate.
So far this technique hasn't worked for me. But maybe someday it will; it's dorky enough that it might do the trick when nothing else can. Or maybe I just shouldn't skip my Ritalin.
Tomorrow night we're going to *try* to trek to Ron's to do some shooting for IMakePorno. Hopefully I'll have gotten most of my "asshole" out of my system today, part of my tax return done (I *have* to get that done, like, yesterday), my hair colored (it's the color of faded, sun-dried feces from a malnourished cat right now) and have time to pack and plan before we get there.
I am a Starfleet Officer, though. I can do anything.
Actually, I'm like an unholy (and super-irritating) union between Barclay, O'Brien (cranky DS9, O'B) and Quark. Sprinkled with the annoyingly pompous, bossy, hypercritical, controlling, buttinsky loudness of Kira and Riker.
Yes, you *should* feel sorry for my friends and family.
If you make porn these days, you really need a system for storing and backing up your photos and video files, even if you just run "amateur" sites with homemade content. We are going through growing pains ourselves, so I'm taking this opportunity to outline some storage suggestions for my fellow webwhores:
*Maintain copies of all of your raw, unedited, full-size photos IN ADDITION to duplicates that you have edited and resized (but NOT optimized/reduced in quality for the web or stamped with a domain name - those versions will be saved with your site). And have backups of all that (basically four copies of each photo).
*KEEP LOCAL COPIES OF YOUR ENTIRE WEBSITE(S), BLOGS, ETC. ON HARD DRIVE. Yes, your hosting company should have backups, but don't rely on that. Everything you upload to your blog, website, etc. should also be saved offline with you on your machine or wherever. If you create content online (using wordpress, google docs, etc.) download backups to your hard drive. Guess what this means? You now should have at least six copies of each good photo you've taken and published.
*Shoot video on tape NOT digital or cd/dvd. Keep your original tapes safe. Like, IN a firesafe. Capture them as AVI's and keep those, too (we burn ours to dvd).
*Keep your old emails and make backups of them. You are/should be a business-person and keep copies of all of your communications with customers, colleagues, service people, etc.
*Develop a backup schedule and log for recording each of your backups, what you backed up, where you put it, etc.
*Remember that anything you burn to dvd or cd will degrade with time. Don't have your only copy of data stored on this type of media. Seriously, google it. Also, remember that hard drives fail. It does no good to make a backup copy of your email, for example, and save that backup on the same exact drive as the originals.
*Rent a safe deposit box to store your backups, your will (including what you want to be done with your website(s) and content when you die), and a small flash drive or something like that with backups of your will and all the login information needed to take carry out your wishes plus software licenses, etc. You might consider making private, clandestine arrangements to have this maintained out of the country if you live in a fucked up nation such as the United States of America where the feds can bust down your door and seize everything because you are guilty of making OBSCENITY. If you want to know what that would feel like, you should watch The Notorious Bettie Page for a dramatic recreation of purging your art-porn to try to save yourself from prison. And then recognize it happens still today. The feds ARE searching and seizing, and indie webwhores ARE madly deleting and trashing their archived homemade porn because someone called Child Protective Services or the local police complaining that someone in the neighborhood is having sex AND TAKING PICTURES OF IT AND SELLING THOSE PICTURES!!
Basically you should get twice as much storage as you need to house all of your most precious data once for your safe deposit box, then switch them out; let's pretend you have 600 GB of photos you want to keep safe so ideally you'd buy TWO one terrabyte hard drives for your backups. Make your first backup and put it in your safe deposit box. In three months make another backup on your second 1TB backup drive with all your old and NEW pictures you've taken since then, take it to the bank (or send it to whoever) to replace the backup that's already there, and bring that one home to use next quarter.
*Insurance. Insurance is tricky because if you're working online from home and renting, but need to protect your BUSINESS assets (that are in a house that you rent where you're not supposed to be operating a business). . . well. Yeah. TRICKY. Anyway, insurance money could never totally compensate you for losing photos/videos/original work, so while it's good to have insurance to replace your cameras, computers, etc. if there was a fire or break-in, money can't buy back the DATA on your computer so back that shit up.
Is that expensive and time consuming all to maintain archives you will never need if all goes well? Yes, it is. But this is your business and you don't want to lose all of the work you've done, especially if you care about your work and are proud of it. If you don't have the money, do the best you can, and save up so you can afford the security of having your work backed up and kept safe.
Do I take my own advice in all of these matters? No, not yet, but I know that I should. Part of the problem is that I'm extremely reluctant to spend money on external hard drives; when you read the reviews it's hard not to notice that HALF OF THEM ARE NEGATIVE. They fail, they are poorly designed, they're loud, they overheat, THEY FAIL, etc.
This has some promise though: the Thermaltake Hard Drive Dock. Instead of buying a bunch of external drives (with their funky, clunky, fucked up designs and tendency to fail), installing a bunch of internal drives (which you don't have infinite amounts of space to house) or setting up a server, you can hot swap naked hard drives which is cheaper, saves space, saves time and is really convenient for maintaining backups especially if you are putting them in a safe or if you don't want to buy drives with lots of storage just because you feel like you NEED to since you only have so much room in your case. I haven't bought one yet, but it's a huge relief just to know it exists. There are loads of other benefits, like being able to access laptop-sized hard drives (I have one of those packed away with stuff I'd like to get at) and being able to switch out hard drives almost as casually as if they were game cartridges.
Yes, I enjoyed watching the dorky little geek porn video.
Any webwhores with further suggestions or people with special insight on this stuff, feel free to comment; I would love to read more advice from people who take porn and blog backups seriously.
With my emotional state and my choice in tunes, listening to my own station gave me a bloated throat-lump and more crying. In a sorta good way.
*For the past few weeks it seems like the viewers/chatters in my webcam shows have been MUCH more pleasant than usual. I wind up the shows loaded with lots of warm fuzzies and really appreciate the change in tone. Coincidentally, most of these shows were during my vibrator-abstinence period and my PERIOD period so they were very chat-oriented shows with less actual showing-off of my body. Normally a less explicit show leads to the natives getting restless and very rude, but for some reason the crowds have been noticeably more tolerant, receptive and respectful than they have been in the past few years. I think that the big cam network might be filtering out some of the freeloaders because the crowds also seem smaller. Whatever it is, I like it; it's a lot more fun and relaxing.
*Our hosting company had some hiccups and is doing some upgrades so our sites have had (and might have more) downtime than I've seen with them for the past six years. They are doing some upgrades April 1st Monday Night/Tuesday morning between 1:00am – 6:00am and hope to limit the down time to fifteen minutes, but it's possible there could be more.
I hate the impact that has on people's perceptions of our sites, but it happens to everybody at some time or another so I hope everyone will be patient with it. Members: if you want all the technical details and apologies from our hosting company, I've posted them HERE and HERE.
We're going to have to do some heavy time (and semen) management in the upcoming weeks to try again to get pregnant, shoot content, and do some major work to try to get our income boosted (this week is going to be TIGHT) so I'm making a lot of lists, plans and goals. It might make me even more boring than usual, but also more productive (but maybe not more productive in the "fun" way).
Next on my redesign agenda is the REAL free area and this blog; I'm really disturbed by how much stuff is outdated, missing and/or broken on the free side of my site and how I've let it go this long. I'm also overwhelmed and really just tired of working on web design projects at this point. I feel really URGENT about finishing, weary about how long it takes me, and excited about the possibilities (yet depressed by my lack of skill and time in executing them). I feel like I can't do anything else until I am done with our overdue overhauls; I'm kind of going crazy.
I also just ordered some new video editing software; Delia used to edit our videos using premiere but the version we have is really old and I really didn't like using it myself so we switched to using good old, free, windows moviemaker. It's not great, but it's been efficient. Unfortunately it just doesn't do the trick for more ambitious projects, like my dollface video which we shot with two different cameras; just trying to insert an extra minute from another tape is pretty much impossible, requiring TEDIOUS amounts of cutting and pasting and trying to sync-up audio. It's a fucking nightmare. We're also way overdue on offering dvd's and videos formatted for ipods and the like. I ordered Pinnacle based on a rec from Torn who said it does everything well without being overwhelming to learn. I can't afford the price or the learning curve of Vegas, etc.
Okay, I'm late now on getting ready for the dentist. I need to shower and eat now before my mouth is rendered completely useless for hours.
*REVIVE PODCAST & DO MORE VIDEO BLOGGING One of many reasons (all rooted in bizarre insecurities) I dropped off the podcast map before I really got started (but AFTER I'd been happily making informal phone posts since before podcasting became popular) was sorta because vlogging picked up at the same time and suddenly there seemed to be so many different tools and ways of doing what I'd BEEN doing (informally) over the phone without much thought. I started getting performance anxiety about it and feel overwhelmed by the need to research all of the different tools and techniques and platforms and places to syndicate and worrying that everyone would lose interest in audio without video. At the same time the service I'd been using to make phoneposts died and the service I switched to (hipcast) requires me to remember a lot more numbers and codes to make a post.
Whatever. I got a new microphone and am going to let go of my worries and just ramble the way I used to (okay, with maybe a little more focus) and start posting more video, too.
*WATCH LESS TELEVISION I've gained a lot of weight and we have a lot less sex since we got Directv. I don't want to give up television altogether (even though I was perfectly happy without it for years) and I don't feel a morsel of regret or shame over watching every episode of "Flavor of Love", so it's not really that I want to watch less tv (in fact, I fully intend to catch up on "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" which looks to be GROUNDBREAKING), it's that I want to do more of the other things I love (dancing, listening to music, fucking, reading, etc.). I think voyeurs will appreciate seeing us paying more attention to each other than the small screen.
In order to motivate myself to watch less television I've decided that before each time we turn it on, I'll figure out something I really want to do that's enjoyable (dance around the living room listening to Traveling Wilburys Vol. 3, for example, or exchanging foot baths with Delia), and keep that in mind, promising myself to do it after the show we're watching is over. A lot of times I'll lie in bed watching SITCOM after SITCOM, groaning to myself that I need to get up, I have so much WORK to do, and I realize that vague whipsnaps of gigantic piles of WORK are not enough to get me enthusiastic about getting up out of bed. If I'm going to make myself stop watching tv to do work, then I need to promise myself to do something very specific that I've been looking forward to (a blog entry on a specific subject, for example - something manageable that I enjoy doing yet is more productive than rotting my brain).
Speaking of resolutions, Seska was(is?) looking for sexual resolutions. I guess the less tv is indirectly a resolution to have more sex, but I don't know think it SOUNDS sexy. And I don't want to (nor have I ever, as far as I can recall) make any New Year's sexual resolutions; I'd love to resolve to get pregnant, but that's clearly not how it works, at least not for me.
Our cable internet connection went down (and most of our spycams with it) about fifteen minutes ago so I've been on hold ever since trying to find out what the deal is. Apparently some change they made that was supposed to be transparent to customers wasn't so transparent. They have to send a signal to our modem to get it working again, but because of how many people are affected there are loads of signals trying to get out so it COULD TAKE FOUR OR FIVE HOURS before ours goes through.
And they don't have any way of prioritizing business accounts like ours over regular ones, SO the only cams we'll be able to broadcast until it gets back up are our Rude cams which we run from our DSL machine.
Eventually I will get a wireless router for the DSL modem and wireless for our other machines so we can switch to the DSL connection when this happens, but for now we're a little stuck, which sucks since a bunch of our cams were down last night, too since a bunch of our machines auto-updated overnight. Blargh.
If you've never been to one of my hour-long camshows with a group audience, here's the type of chatty performance you are missing:
How'd you like that? I have a show scheduled in 2.5 hours so you can get in on the real live action or even ask me pesky questions yourself that will make me groan with impatience and respond with condescension. If you're patient you might also hear me talk about a variety of bodily functions. If you're *really* patient you will certainly see my nude boobies and me having an orgasm with my hitachi magic wand.
That's also the first video I've ever posted on YouTube. Part of me would love to make weird videos for YouTube, but another part of me really detests editing video (which is why it's taking me days and days to finish the video compilation I'll finally be posting for members today). I *hate* watching footage OVER and OVER again and doing all the little time-wasting things you have to do just to produce something completely amateurish and mediocre. Fortunately I like amateurish, mediocre videos as long as they have a wee bit of personality so I don't feel totally bad about My Crappy Videos -- as long as they're getting a few people off and/or eliciting a few giggles I'm happy.
I'm also going to be posting the first in a series of questionnaires/forms for members to fill out so we can get to know them better. This is yet another task that sounds deceptively simple (just type out a few questions, Trixie -- you're a fast typist!) but took shitloads of time to concoct even after I bought a subscription to a site that does the hardest parts of the server-side coding for me. I actually enjoy doing this kind of work, though, much more than I enjoy editing video because the video stuff requires a lot of waiting around (for things to encode) and watching things over and over . . . you aren't actively working or thinking all of the time so it really makes me want to slit my throat with boredom and aggravation. The form thing actually feels much more creative to me and I actually enjoy repetitively fucking with the little details to make it work.
A few boob-oriented pics from my most recent gallery (with some hairy armpits thrown in for good measure):
Yes, I was having much fun:
More hair and wetness, this time lower:
My boobs, up close & bumpy:
Anyway, it's a pretty plump gallery with a total of 150 pics in the members-only area; perhaps later I'll show some samples of the more panty- and upskirt-oriented shots.
Lately I haven't been in the spycam chatroom as much as I used to be in the good old days. While I love certain things about spending time in there and hate neglecting it, I probably never would have spent that much time with the chatting if I hadn't initially been paid specifically to do it by the spycam site. As compelling as chat is, there is something equally compelling in a more voyeuristic way about NOT being so accessible. So right now? We have more voyeurcams and less chat and I like having that space cushion to be able to be more in my head and working on ways to increase access to what's in it in less direct ways than actual conversation.
Another voyeurism plus is my twitter. I know you're probably sick of hearing me rave about it when it's such a mundane little tool, but I love this microblogging thing in part because it IS so voyeuristic. I love being able to know what people I like are doing, even (especially?) the mundane things, and I love being able to provide that extra layer of access to my own voyeurs. The basic message of "I'm alive, and I'm doing something" comforts me, both reading those messages from other people and sending that message myself to others. Of course, I don't take it to the irritating level of having my phone send off an alarm that someone tweeted, so I'm speaking here of enjoying it purely on the web level and intending others to read my tweets the same way.
Today we're going to try to shoot some more, plan our schedule and meals for next week, do grocery shopping, and (I hope) get some other work done. Boring little things like making ad banners and fixing the email text that is sent out to people who sign up to our sites (this chore is way more time consuming than you might imagine since a) there are join confirmation emails, cancellation emails, denial emails and expiration emails, b) all of those emails need to be updated FOR EACH SITE (DeliaCD, TastyTrixie, SpyOnUs, and TrixiesHouseboy), and c) the admin area for doing this is TOTALLY FUCKING CONFUSING; it feels like such a waste of my limited brain power).
We also really need to make plans for us to visit family soon. We haven't seen my mom, squishy nephew, sister and especially my grandma for way too long and both she and my sister have birthdays in August. On top of that, I might have jury duty next month, plus I would really like some space and alone-time to do some personal writing and maybe some piano playing. I also need to call our local friend to confirm participating in a burlesque performance. These are the things I have to save my scanty social and mental energies for rather than chat and email; I wish I had more of it to go around, but I don't. I feel guilty about it, but I know I shouldn't.
Today we made an exciting change to our sites; when you join any one of our sites, you get access to ALL of them. It's retroactive, too, so if you currently have a membership to one of our sites, you can now get inside all of them.
Except for one small problem: our payment processor who handles all of the password files must not have done it exactly right, so for some reason no one can get into my site, TastyTrixie.com. I called them as soon as I found out, and they're fixing it now, so in the meantime you can access our spycams here or ooops wait . . .
You should be able to get in now: the on-duty CCBill tech boy *just* called me back to report that he fixed AND tested it so all should be working. If not, please comment here or email me, k?
FYI: you will be prompted for your username and password at each site as you move between them.
I'll write more about this change later, but I'm super excited about it (and members should be too) because everyone will now get access not only to all of our sites, but to TWO (and soon THREE) spycam sites instead of just one.
Fair warning: we'll be raising the cost of membership on all of our sites (except spyonus.com, which will be LOWERED). But right now?? You can still join for the same cost of just one site, at a price ($19.99 a month) set way back in 2002 that hasn't been raised since (and currently rebilling members don't worry: you will continue to be billed at the old rate; you will NOT be charged the new rate unless you cancel and rejoin at the higher rate). I'll be mailing all current and former members to make sure that you all are still able to join at the 2002 rates for quite a while as a token of our appreciation.
Delia and I gave it a lot of thought and discussion, and after five years and the addition of lots of content plus an all-access pass, it's definitely time to bump up the price especially since we'll be burning up the bandwidth bill with members being able to download videos and photos from four sites at once.
Looks like the spycam site is down for the count (I imagine they are doing server work and it will be back up soon; if not I will call them). Very annoying.
I'm devoting a lot of time today to housecleaning; it's one of those things I can't find inspiration to do consistently so eventually it builds up to the point where I can't stand being surrounded by rubble and messy chaos anymore. Today is that day.
Delia and I must have caught a bug; I've got a sore throat and hardly ever get sick so other than housecleaning and posting my update I'm not sure I'll accomplish much today (though cleaning the house is a MAJOR undertaking).
Oh, we *are* going to enjoy a dork dance session on our spycams this evening if you want to watch/listen. Of course, that will rely upon the spycam site COOPERATING. Grrrrr . . .
Tomorrow we're going to Seattle to visit my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew, Mr. Squishy-Pants. I'm looking forward to it and must INSIST that my body heal itself and not carry any sickness across the sound.
I'm doing a show today at noon (pacific), then Delia has her show at 4 pm as usual and will be webwhoring after that. If we're lucky, Camz won't still be having technical problems the way they were on Friday and our shows will go off without any hitches.
We decided to move our Tuesday shows to Sunday and Monday to open up the week for travel and shoots; during nice weather it SUCKS to go anywhere on the weekend around here, especially when you're at the mercy of overstuffed ferry boats, as we are. Being able to plan trips for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday (rather than extending things onto horrible-for-travel Friday) is WAY better.
I do have more interesting and exciting things to blog about, but it's the mundane stuff that has me in its clutches. My big accomplishment yesterday was editing video and writing a letter of dispute on a credit issue. I also started working on a new design for Trixie.com, but I don't know if it's "sexy" enough. I don't even know for sure what I'm trying to accomplish there and am a little paralyzed by uncertainty and lack of resources so I'm going to try to convince myself to just have fun with it. So far I am not very receptive to that reality-show advice, though.
Last night we wasted all kinds of time watching horrible Discovery channel shows about people with facial deformities.
The best thing we did yesterday? Bought spices for lentil soup.
On our journey to my mom's house yesterday one of our tires blew out on the freeway. Cool! Getting towed and having a couple new tires put on did eat into our shoot-time, but oh well . . . we have AAA and it was a fun white trash adventure, being stuck on the side of the freeway near the Microsoft campus with all of the fancy Eastside cars whizzing past our beater van. Plus I *love* the smell of new tires -- the ordeal was worth it to sit in Les Schwab inhaling the scent of fresh black rubber and boys in coveralls.
Good news: getting a new memory card for our camera seems to have remedied our problem. We also bumped up the size and quality settings for good measure, so I'm looking forward to showing off nicer photos to our members. Thank you very much to Merrick for the advice and insight on that issue!
DONKEY PUNCH While we're on the subject of "things that offend Trixie", I'll add the donkey punch to the list. Everytime I see those two words together (donkey + punch) it makes me want to don a pair of stilettos with razors partially embedded in the heels, knock down the guy who mentioned it (hardy har har), shit on his face, and kick him until he bleeds from the ears, then slit his throat.
Note: This entry is actually from 2004, something I wrote and saved in draft form but never actually published. Why oh WHY do I hold back these small blog treasures?
I've been "wasting" time tonight going through old blog entries trying to search for a particular entry I needed in order to write a follow-up. Since Blogger's search function SUCKS FUCKING ASS I had to go through my old blog entries fifty at a time to avoid getting errors. Anyway, it's incredibly vain, but I laughed my ass off listening to this old phone post (why OH WHY don't I make more entries like that?). I'm also trying to add post labels to my old entries which will take a long-ass time, but I can't wait to be able to offer people the option to surf JUST my rants or JUST my pics or JUST my "mundane" entries (I *know* everyone will be clicking on that category, immersing themselves in my dullest entries).
The whole label/category thing is actually pretty tricky. For instance, I enjoy reading my entries mentioning pets and animals, but it just seems inappropriate and distracting for me to make a label for either or both. On the other hand I created labels I thought I would use A LOT (feminism, for example) and haven't browsed any old entries that contained overt feminist reflection or commentary. And I think it might be really boring for me to share my thought process contemplating why this is, but I'm totally engrossed thinking about it. Does my hatred of "donkey punch" fall under feminism? Maybe gender issues? How about "true crime"? Or maybe I need a label called "totally motherfucking STUPID".
Anyway, there are some fantastic chick-bloggers in that lineup for you to read, so check them out.
FYI: I don't check my stats all that often so if you've been linking to me and have a relevant and coherent blog with personality, feel free to comment so I can check out your blog and figure out if you're someone I, my readers and my members will enjoy. Also, if you know of any really splendid blogs out there just post a rec since I haven't had time to keep up on the latest and greatest bloggers.
In other geek blog news, I'm very annoyed that lately my blog's google page rank varies from anywhere between zero and six whenever I refresh. What the fuck??
I'm uploading another unplanned long video to my members area right now so I'm going to take a break while that finishes (it takes a long time to put a long video onto a website, same as it takes a long time to download a long one as a member). We'll watch the recorded girls-night of American Idol during this break, in case you feel like spying to listen to who we're rooting for.
For voyeurs who have time to hang out during our west-coast morning, I posted this on the spycam site:
This morning while I had my morning tea I decided to drag the old laptop into bed and log into the chatroom while watching/listening to the news on television.
I think this might become a habit, but I won't be scheduling the exact time since my waking routine and morning hours vary so much; you'll just have to watch and see if you'd like to be part of my morning routine!
When I fill up my hot water bottle in the bathroom and make my tea in the kitchen, it's a pretty good sign I'll be getting into bed with my breakfast soon, so if you see me in bed with the laptop you'll know I'm probably in the chatroom.
For those of you actually taking the time to read this, I probably don't need to explain that these morning chat sessions are meant to be relaxing, casual chats, NOT strip shows or sex performances. As always, I do not fulfill requests in group chats; my morning cup of tea is one of my favorite special me-things to enjoy, so anyone who distracts from that or makes unpleasantly selfish demands will be booted and/or I will end the chat session.
Things I like to chat about: current events, music, movies, etc. I also like to hear about YOU: where you live, your hobbies and interests, etc.
So yeah . . . if you want to have a regular conversation with me online and you're already a member (and if you're available at that time, which is most convenient for my UK pals, it seems, and my guys who work for themselves and are taking lunch around that time), this will be a nice chance to catch up with each other. I'm not sure if it will become a regular tradition or not, but I definitely enjoyed myself this morning.
Believe it or not, I have some really lengthy blog entries drafted but sometimes I like to sit on those for awhile or I have a hard time finishing them. Just so you know.
Lately our internet connection has been falling out a lot, which means that our cams stop communicating with the spycam sites and we won't notice until we wake up or check or someone emails us. The connection will only go down very temporarily so we won't even notice it even if we're working at a computer since we might not be surfing at the moment and when we are, it's back up but of course has been down long enough for our cams to drop.
Anyway, I called my cable company again today and they tell me they are still working on upgrades in my area (has been going on more than a month now, I'd say) and today are even working right on our street, apparently. I'm hopeful things will be vastly improved whenever they actually complete these upgrades, but in the meantime thank you for your patience with our up-and-down cams.
When our connection falters while we're sleeping it is especially frustrating since it can mean hours of downtime until we wake up and check the cams; it's even more frustrating to me now that we're on a bit more of a night-owl schedule since if I don't wake up till 10 or 11 am on the west coast, it's afternoon or evening for lots of our fans on the east coast and in the UK and Europe when many probably don't realize it's still bedtime for us. Sigh.
Ten minutes before Delia's show was set to start, our power got knocked out. Bhoooooosh. SNACK. That's the sound of all of our computers turning off. I'll spare you imitations of a handful of power surges.
Yes, I am glad I got a battery backup thingy for my new computer. No, I am not glad I didn't invest in doing the same for all of our other machines. Now my old computer won't start up unless it's in safe mode. Again.
Anyway, Delia postponed her show so everything is almost back to normal, just a few hours later than planned.
I would have made a phone post about this, but I forgot to write down my new hipcast settings when I switched to the new blogger. Gark.
The other night I dreamt I was Dick Cheney's mistress. I morphed between being myself and being my friend Mia. Dick was morphing between himself and a variety of covert operatives (who looked nothing like the real Dick Cheney) wearing a suit that was too large for him. Our roles morphed between me chasing him while he was on the lam, and him chasing me while I was on the lam. Escalators were involved. It was hard -- TOO hard -- for us to "connect" and he was often chaperoned by lawmen, either because he was a crook and about to escape or because he needed extra force to take me down for my own crimes.
You'll be surprised to find that I WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH DICK in my dream. At the beginning (when he was paying me for sex) I didn't like him so much but then our "relationship" developed, and in the middle of all that chasing up and down escalators and trying to find a moment alone I realized I just wanted . . . to hold him in my arms.
I'm SO embarrassed and sickened by the strength of a dream to develop a crazy soft spot for sugar-bear Cheney. Ugh!
You'll notice that I was finally able to switch to the new Blogger and am now adding post labels! Yay! It's going to take awhile to finish that project and finally add the category links to the sidebar, but I'm *excited*! The pervs will be able to just go directly to the PHOTOS and SEX entries -- life will be a dream.
We're home. I have cramps. Our internet connection has been going up and down (apparently my cable company is still doing upgrades, from what the woman on the phone said, but she seemed somewhat disoriented after eight minutes on the phone with me). Anyway, it's making it very difficult to keep our cams logged in (not that it's mattered over the past couple of days since we weren't home anyway, but now that we are I hope that I won't have to keep leaving my hot water bottle behind in bed just to make sure our connection hasn't nosedived again.
Am I TAD grumpy? Good reading on that. Happy thoughts to come later . . .
Righteous rant develops in this entry; it may be worth slogging through the boring bits if you like hearing me bitch about the bullshit ways pornographers and sex workers are judged by violently harsher standards than mainstream entertainers and business-people.
I wish this didn't look so much like The Blog Boring, but every time I have something provocative and interesting (or at least "sexy" or topical) to write I can't seem to justify spending an hour or more doing it justice so those entries mostly just sit, half-formed, in drafts format.
More boring stuff: I've been patiently (but eagerly) waiting for Hipcast to become compatible with the new Googly Blogger so I can finally add post labels / categories to help people separate the wheat from the chaff in my blog. Today I discovered that Hipcast and the new Blogger are now working together! I even tested the compatibility by making a new gmail and blogger account (not wanting to switch over and -- again -- lose the ability to make phone posts which I consider vital to keeping members informed of schedule changes, outages, etc.) and was all set to make the transition . . . but found out that fucking BLOGGER won't let me switch because some of my blogs (this one) have more than a thousand posts and they just aren't ready for my massive weight. What the fuck ever. I'm happy to wait, I just wish they would communicate those things and wouldn't have been shoving Blogger Beta down my throat with a billion links to "switch now!" for months if I don't even qualify BECAUSE I'VE USED BLOGGER TOO MUCH, apparently. I mean -- I do understand and appreciate that it's better to wait than have a glitch in the transition; I realize I'm not being singled out or punished, I just don't understand why I haven't read about this problem before in their lovely oversimplified tours of Beta that don't alert you to incompatibilities or problems with large blogs not being ready to transition.
I find it interesting that massive entities like Google and Blogger and mainstream sites like Hipcast can't do a better job of communicating with their users. How is it that I, a lowly webwhore, am so concerned about making sure that my members know every single time my power is going to go out or there's a chance one of my shows will be late, and yet these mainstream sites SUCK FUCKING ASS about taking two minutes to post similar messages in their status / news blogs just to reassure people that they are working on their bugs or to convey to people what those bugs are before they waste time (or totally fuck up their blogs) to try out their new tools? Is it that no one with any sense of accountability or customer service has access to post in their news areas? Or is it because blogger/hipcast users aren't paying $20 a month the way members do to my site so blogger/google/hipcast/fill_in_the_blank don't feel obligated to their users? It's really ironic that Blogger cannot keep its own blog updated with any sort of frequency or relevance. Maybe they're just so big they don't NEED to communicate to keep their ship afloat whereas I am afraid the people who support me will perceive me as uncaring, irresponsible, or just too lazy if I don't offer explanations when things go awry on my site or prepare them when there is a schedule change.
This train of thought reminds me that my kind of blog is less about being hugely entertaining or highly topical, and more about keeping in touch with my customers and, you know, reminding them that I actually give a shit about keeping them posted and letting them know I'm alive. Even if you don't have good news or exciting new enhancements to your site or a thrilling story to tell, if you're running a business and you have a blog you should FUCKING USE IT to let people know what to expect when they use your product. Even if you just post to say, "sorry that bug's still not fixed; we know you've been waiting for months to use the new Blogger but . . . ".
It truly cracks me up (in a depressing way) that honest business-people like myself get such a bad rap simply because we sell sex, yet we often operate our businesses with greater integrity, customer service, and respect for our consumers than mainstream business-people. Why is it that we sex workers are all considered morally bankrupt by society while so many mainstream businesses behave as complete sociopaths but are never leveled with the same kind of criticisms sex workers field in such broad, sweeping hyper-generalized ways?? I'm not saying the Blogger/Google people are sociopaths, I'm just saying that I can't imagine the kind of hate mail I'd get if I acted as careless and incommunicative towards my consumers as mainstream businesses do. But *I* as a dirty filthy pornographer am the one who has to pay higher payment processing fees and abide by stricter chargeback guidelines than mainstream businesses. As a pornographer you don't even get a chance to prove your integrity or business ethics -- it's automatically assumed that you're devoid of principles and operate with no moral compass and you're treated as such by the credit card companies and the government. Internet porn is "high risk". I'll bet Hipcast isn't considered a "high risk" enterprise, but they are the ones who'll probably get massive amounts of chargebacks simply because they failed for months to post any news for their customers about their progress on becoming compatible with Blogger.
To be fair there *are* a lot of porn paysite owners who have really helped us earn such a bad reputation, but I honestly think even if we could prove those people are a minority of, say, 1% that THEY would still be the standard by which the rest of us are judged.
Tonight we had bacon and eggs tonight while we watched one of my favorite TV shows, The First 48. It's on A&E, and I can't help wondering how bloody, dead and bloated murder-victim corpses represent "arts and entertainment". I mean, yeah -- it IS totally entertaining -- but so is my bloody cunt but I'm not allowed to get paid for using it for entertainment purposes (and certainly NOT on television during daytime hours, no less!) and it's actually attached to a living person who's not (yet) the victim of a brutal violent crime! I DON'T FUCKING GET IT.