My name is Trixie (aka TastyTrixie). The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more.
*One of the webcam networks disconnected our access, but don't worry, you can still get in a couple of different ways to see Delia's show tonight. I will alter the page to tell members how. There are, however, a number of good reasons why my approach to dealing with that problem further are complicated. Not for you to worry about, even though blogging about it would make an interesting read -- I'll have to continue to bite my tongue for a few months or years longer.
*Ever since Twitter got attacked early yesterday, I haven't been able to tweet as TastyTrixie or SpyOnUs. Not via text/my phone, not on our main cable connection, and not on our DSL connection. For some reason, Delia's twitter account is working just fine, though. I *am* able to post tweets through blip.fm, though. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but it's driving me insane. I have a few more tricks up my sleeve to try to get it working, but honestly - there's a limit to how much time I can spend dealing with one fucking tribulation at a time.
*When I added more spycams, it broke some of them. The microphone on the NightVision cam (formerly known as "ballroom") is no longer reliably working, and my alternate method of connection to that cam using a different microphone also mysteriously died even after I tried reinstalling the software and other things. I guess the only solution at this point is to buy another microphone. In the meantime, you can still hear bedroom audio (though probably not as well) on the "MoreBed" and "BedroomDesk" cam. When they're not crapped out. Which they tend to be at inopportune times.
Anyway, little problems like that drive me batshit. I hate to admit how easily frustrated I get with those little unanticipated pinches of obstacality(?), but I do, especially when I'm in the middle of feeling bogged down and incompetent with larger projects (namely redesigning, like, all of our sites and most importantly helping get DeliaTS.com off the ground; I feel like it should be easy but all these design projects are just sucking out my life force). But of course as soon as I get through them, maybe we'll be a few steps closer to being able to HIRE people to do the parts of design we can't/don't want to do. At least, I pray to motherfucking god that will be the case.
I plan on enjoying a lovely and orgasmic show tonight, though, and I hope to make a new sexy show music mix to inspire me. See you there?
The goofiest stuff to be seen and heard on our spycams comes from our kitchen cam where Delia cooks and I come in to harass her. Whatever song I have stuck in my head is screeched out loudly, bizarre dance moves are revealed, body spasms are articulated.
Here's a little photographic evidence (shot by remote on our Nikon D300, not webcam snags) of us dork dancing to the soundtrack in our minds:
In less fun news of self-employment on the internet, we've had our share of little challenges. One of the big ones: our sites got hacked and a malware script was installed on most of the main index pages. Our hosting company immediately helped me fix it when I discovered it RIGHT as I was about to do a show but we weren't fast enough for one site, BloodyTrixie, so it got a big warning slapped on it by google which they quickly removed after I used their webmaster tools to report that the malware had been removed and *I* didn't put it there (this type of hacking happens to people -- has even happened to google, yahoo, etc. THEMSELVES -- so often they had a really good, easy-to-submit-to, process to go through to get it remedied). I hope everyone realizes how important it is to have good security software to detect these things because this can happen to any site you trust and have surfed safely forever. I personally use PrevX (which is how I discovered the problem in the first place when it alerted me that I got malware from one of my own fucking sites).
Anyway, it could have been much worse, but even then it's one of those freaky things that makes you realize how ephemeral and vulnerable your content, reputation, page rank, search engine placement, trustworthiness, etc. are to having some stranger in motherfucking Russia or Belarus or wherever-the-hell robotically shitting on all of your work. The REALLY scary thing is imagining how ruined you could be if someone actually had a personal vendetta against you and decided to fuck with you.
We've also had a random power outage this week (making our spycams go down), then almost two hours of our main internet connection being down for everybody in our county (making most of our spycams go down AGAIN), and before that our main spycam host taking a dive in the middle of the night PLUS one of our OTHER spycam hosts having a bunch of downtime (meaning cam downtime on THAT system). AND when I finally got around to running a backup of my main machine's hard drive the whole thing took a gigantic shit and I thought I might have been too late. Two dozen blue screens of death and many hours later I got it fixed (AND backed up), though (and no -- I'm not buying that this is because I use PCs; in all my years of PC use I've never had a problem like this; I've never even had a hard drive fail on me [except for the one in my old laptop that I spilled liquids on] and LOOK! It's all fixie-pooed!).
Anyway, at times these are the things that lend a nightmarish quality to working for yourself and relying upon electronics and stuff. Maintaining your vulnerable little tools is, you know, WORK. And sometimes I feel like I have no control over any of it or competency to deal with it. You're always babysitting and battling a bunch of overheated computer monsters.
We've got webcam shows and a members-only chat scheduled today. Members can check out our google calendar here for details.
Was it watching "ladies" figure skating last night that got me all horny? I don't know, but I couldn't sleep and tried to masturbate quietly enough not to wake up Delia, but since I was wearing earplugs myself I couldn't really tell if I was making noise or not.
The train of thoughts leading there seemed to pick up where my post about tribute jack-offs left off. I started imagining a teenager playing Yahtzee and then trying to decide which girl's face to ejaculate on in his yearbook. Then there was something about a good dog and a bad dog (I think it was a white German Shepherd) and by that time I was so worked up I took out my earplugs and asked Delia if she was awake. AND SHE TOTALLY WAS! I still don't know if she knew I was masturbating, but I stopped at that point anyway.
To reach over and fondle her boobs. I really should write a whole blog entry (or book) about Delia's New Boobs. They're pointy and swollen and puffy and my right hand goes back and forth from one to the other until I start using my mouth.
I'd love to tell you all about it but I honestly don't feel like getting all worked up again. If you're one of our members and heard it on the spycams (sorry I forgot to turn on the nightvision last night) then you know it was hot. I was shaking. We fucked and then we spooned.
Voyeur heads up: my sister and nephew came over yesterday and are staying until sometime tomorrow (Thursday) so most of our cams are down or cloaked with the exception of our office cams and all of our audio is off until they go home.
Delia and I are actually going to leave them here alone to go to her laser hair removal appointment and maybe to do some panty shopping. I kind of want to see Coraline but don't think we'll want to stay away that long/miss out on family time.
Anyway, cams will be back to normal sometime tomorrow!
I've never been a big fan of snow, but now that I work at home it's growing on me since I don't have to drive in it. Living in the Seattle area we don't get a lot of snow so it's always cause for excitement around here. It doesn't usually last long, either, so I'm really happy we had a chance to go out and shoot in it.
The window of opportunity for snowy, seasonal pics is actually still open; it's been snowing most of today. Here's a shot of our dog from one of our spycams a few hours ago:
Anyway, the rest of the photos are up for my members and we've got two outdoor spycams running today; we're going to walk downtown through the snow now to run some errands.
You don't need me to tell you that times are financially tough right now for a lot of people. You might be curious, though, whether or not recessions and looming depressions have an effect on our porn site sales. The answer? Yes, sales have been a little harder for us to make but overall I feel much more secure than I would in almost any other industry. The main sign we've seen that people's wallets are thin is that we get more denied credit cards.
My main financial concerns right now are not about falling sales, they're just about having finally reached our limit, unfortunately right at the time when banks and everyone else have reached theirs. I try not to feel a sense of shame or failure about my debt load regardless of how our country tells us that we little people are to blame for overextending ourselves or for being given loans and lines of credit we somehow didn't deserve. Our only mistake was being born poor while extremely unscrupulous banking bigwigs are bailed out for fucking people anally with insanely high interest rates. Example: it cracks me up that Citibank not only gets away with raising my interest rate and leveling late charges against me for sending a payment in on time that I accidentally wrote for fifty-seven cents less than the minimum payment that month (YES I have written them letters to no avail), but taxpayers get to foot the bill to save their fucking asses.
I'm getting off track.
Point is, after filing our taxes in October (yes, totally late) and maxing ourselves out like crazy we simply need to make more sales. Really, there is no excuse for us not to be making much more money at this point except that we tend to focus more on keeping our members happy than on actually, you know, FINDING MORE MEMBERS. It would be nice if we could do it all, but at this point we need to cut back on some things and rearrange others, at least until we meet some financial goals. So here are a couple of changes we/I are making:
*REALISTIC NUMBER OF WEBCAM SHOWS EVERY OTHER WEEK. Delia and I have been doing an insane number of shows for too many years: around twenty a month between the two of us. Most girls or couples with sites like ours who actually do live webcam shows do one or two a week, so maybe three to eight shows a month. Frankly it was sucking way too much sexual energy out of our relationship, leaving us very little free time to be spontaneous or go on shooting sprees or, you know, take a day or two off here and there.
We're now scheduling a couple days of webcam shows a couple times a month/every other week. It still averages out to at least two shows a week this way, but that's still less than what we have been doing and will give us more breathing room in-between to shoot videos and have recreational sex with each other.
Doing fewer camshows will also open up time to promote our sites in other ways; the truth is that the cam networks stopped being good places to get new members a long time ago. Even the girls who put on great shows and bend over backwards to be great orgasmic little entertainers do not make great sales because of those webcam shows. I will save explaining why for a different blog entry, but suffice to say right now there are more efficient ways of bringing in new sales; at a time like now we simply need to be more efficient.
*FEWER HOURS IN CHAT I really really love getting to know our members and think an active chatroom with a readily-available hostess is a really awesome feature to have on a porn/spycam site. I've had many awesome conversations in chat and gotten to know people I consider friends. Unfortunately, I probably spent way too much time in spycam chat over the years when I should have been focusing more on marketing my site. Now it's at the point where I really don't have a choice and need to spend those hours promoting our sites (especially Delia's because it outsells mine three to one).
I hate to say it, but I just don't have enough members to justify scheduling so many hours in chat. I've tried to find ways to make it work, and I feel like the same small handful of people are coming in just so I don't feel bad sitting in there alone. Combined with being burned out from all the camshows and being under pressure in other ways, I'm also just not as energetic an entertainer as I once was, anyway, so it's probably not a very enticing feature anymore. I am, however, continuing to pay for our members-only chatroom (the plugin is only $12.50 a month, but still) and am popping in there every so often and scheduling chats here and there. I've also added a separate twitter feed on the spycam, chat and shows pages to notify people of upcoming chats and shows and spycam stuff.
I've made a goal for myself that once Delia has 750 members and I have 500 members, I will add 15+ hours of chat per month back into the schedule as long as we can maintain those numbers and people seem to enjoy the chats. I know that 1250 members sounds like a lot, but in the grand scheme of things it's inexcusable that we don't have that many and more members right now. When I see the way other porn sites have tons of members and offer so much less than we do, it really makes me mad at myself because there's no reason we cannot be comfortable, debt-free and have the resources we need to make our sites better.
I just can't justify doing as much as we've been doing and staying so deeply in debt. I'm getting too old for it and it's taking too much of a toll on me. I need to buckle down and sell the fuck out of our sites, especially Delia's because she has much less competition.
*LOOSEY-GOOSEY UPDATES For about five years I was very rigid about my update schedule for members, posting something new every week, and for many years on the exact same DAY each week. I still feel like that's the ideal way to do things (scheduled updates one or more times a week, depending on whether or not the site has anything else going for it).
Once we made our sites all-access (join one you get them all) I tried to relax a little on that and am finally feeling less anal about it. Now I am focused on our network of sites added ten or more new things each month, which isn't two hard considering that we have DeliaCD, TastyTrixie, AmberLily, SpyOnUs and TrixiesHouseboy (which is paralyzed right now, but I digress). Still, I have been asking too much of myself and not really giving myself the opportunities to excel at what I do best and WANT to do most at any given time. When I see other sites that I think are great (and so do their members) and they don't get all crazy freaking out on themselves for not updating like clockwork, I have to think I'm just sabotaging myself with self-criticism and essentially also disrespecting the work my colleagues do; if it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for me?
This was especially apparent to me when AmberLily joined our network; it was a sudden thing, so we didn't plan on it by having a bunch of our own content queued up ready to go while we did the things we needed to do to help get her site up on our server and attached to us. It wasn't that anything I did was particularly HARD, but it did take a lot of hours making phone calls, designing a tour, negotiating stuff, etc. Lots of little things that made me happy to do, but meant I didn't have time to do other things. I *should* have said, "hey members! This month I won't be posting new updates but AmberLily's joining us and you will have her entire site to explore to make up for it!" But I didn't do that.
From now on, I NEED to do that; realize I can't do it all, and be proud of what I *do* do, and satisfied that it is enough instead of thinking all will be lost unless I run myself into the ground. The opposite is proving to be true (duh): all will be lost if I continue to run myself ragged. I'm totally out of gas, which is sad especially when there are a number of women who would like to join our network of sites and I simply don't have time and energy to invest in working with them right now.
There are tons of things I've neglected to do that I need to get taken care of, like redesigning the free areas and blogs for pretty much all of our paysites. How many years have I had the same confusing design on this blog and my site that is now totally outdated with pages of broken things, old pictures, etc.? It's just unacceptable. And no, I am not listening to anybody who gives me shit about all my other little "projects" and how if I didn't waste time with them I could finish all these neglected necessaries. Bullshit. If I didn't allow myself to go off on tangents, then half of the reward of working for myself would be totally fucking DELETED. Whatever makes me want to do those things is the same thing that makes me good at the things people PAY for.
Oh, and speaking of what people pay for, I still really miss doing phone sex, private shows and the potential to do other one-on-one stuff; another set of things I'd like to mix back into my life soon or when we meet some of those money goals.
Basically I am *considering* posting fewer updates to the TastyTrixie members area for a few months or until I feel/look healthier. Lately I've been doubling up on them/posting "late", mostly because I haven't been happy with a lot of my content and sit on updates until I have something "better" to go with them. In fact, that's what I've been doing with a set of pictures that I edited this week and really kind of hate.
Mostly I guess I need to stop making promises and just focus on making content. And even more than that, SALES. Note: it's not that our content isn't good enough to make sales or that we don't have enough of it or that our members-only areas are lacking; that isn't the problem at all. It's simply that the webmasters promoting most porn sites don't know how to promote us, or have never heard of us because we have no advertising budget, or it's just not worth it to them to promote us because we can't pay them as much as these big sites do (yet another subject for another blog entry) or we don't give them enough free content in the format they like with a lot of bells and whistles and things to make it super-easy (I totally understand why this puts us at a disadvantage).
I know this is a really long post and maybe a total bore to most people, but I feel like I needed to communicate this stuff in writing and by posting it, make a commitment to it myself. Long story short, we need to focus on meeting some attainable, yet very immediately necessary sales goals. I have to close two of my credit card accounts before they raise the interest rates to some even-more god-awful amount; this shit is getting down to the wire and we simply have to stop living on the edge.
One of my favorite books about "unschooling" tells readers that when you allow a young person to escape the lock-step of traditional schools, the person usually needs three months or more to get it out of their system and have their natural curiosity well up enough to be motivated to take advantage of other learning opportunities. Note: there are many things I love about traditional schools AND alternative approaches to education; I'm not knocking schools, just using this as an example. As I've alluded to in recent posts, making great life-changing decisions doesn't always yield immediate relief and results and instant accomplishments; I've been pretty exhausted and overwhelmed on a bunch of different levels so I really don't expect everything to magically be PERFECT and I hope my members are patient and understand that too, though I totally understand if people feel like canceling and perhaps coming back later when I have more to offer.
I'm really looking forward to getting back to making our spycams more entertaining, focusing on Delia's and my relationship to each other, and feeling better about my body. Today's the seventh day in a row I've exercised and I know by the time the new year rolls around I'm going to feel a million percent better (if the holidays don't kill me ;).
We're celebrating Thanksgiving late today; my sister, nephew and brother-in-law drove to our house last night and Delia's cooking the turkey right now. The same turkey that's been in our freezer for more than a year since we had to cancel dinner last year after my mom broke her wrist and had to get surgery mere days before the feast.
As a teenager I really resented seeing the women stuck in the kitchen on Thanksgiving. It seemed completely unfair to me, the way they slaved away while the men sat on their asses thinking up ways to make the day unpleasant and contentious. It's kind of funny(?) that now I make basically no effort to help Delia prepare meals. And this is actually the SECOND turkey she's cooked and stuffed in the past month since she made one for a big potluck a few weeks ago. Maybe as a kid I thought I was feeling sorry for the women in my family when really I was just feeling sorry for myself because I had no desire to grow up and be stuck in that role, stuck in the kitchen. At the time it didn't occur to me to visualize what I WANTED, which was to grow up and have some OTHER woman (or some man) stuck in MY kitchen, cooking her little ass off while I come in just to rub my hands greedily and condescendingly tell her how GOOD it smells, and when will it be ready, honey?
My mom isn't coming to today's gathering, either, which is a good thing; I have an insanely bad case of PMS and our whole family gets exhausted when all of us are together. Someday I hope we'll all live closer together so it's not such a long-lasting, closely-packed, unable-to-escape-each-other ordeal but right now? That's how it winds up and it's too much of an energy-sucking drag for all of us to really be considered a celebration. The competition for control and attention between four strong personalities (mine, my mom's, my sister's and her two year old son's) is too constant. I've been encouraged to be more realistic in my expectations for family time, and in taking that advice I don't feel disappointed today that we're not all together at once; instead, I'm relieved.
Since our nephew is here a lot of our cams are down or cloaked so that he can run around freely. Also, one of the camsites where we broadcast has been down since yesterday; it's frustrating, but I'm trying not to worry about it today since there's nothing I can do about it and it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway with little Mr. Squishypants in the house.
I, my sister, and Delia stayed up way too late talking so I'm feeling really sleep-deprived right now and am going to try to get in a nap. I have a sick amount of anxiety when my nephew is here, worrying about all the ways he can get hurt, feeling like I need to watch everything he does in our child-unsafe house and around our dog. Even with all that watching, he's gotten hurt and while it is a consolation knowing none of those times have come even close to killing him -- kids HAVE to fall down, split their lips, bash their heads against sharp corners, etc. -- I still have a hard time letting go and it's much worse if I haven't gotten enough sleep.
Here are some webcam grabs I took today followed by a less-attractive (but slightly more entertaining) video we shot a couple months ago when we were camping and getting our weeny roasting sticks ready:
Tonight while Delia was at her AA meeting I really wanted to play piano and sing, but as usual having the audio on the cams makes me feel totally self-conscious. I know I shouldn't be, that even if I suck ass it's entertaining, but that doesn't matter; I want to be alone.
It's not that hard to turn the audio off on the cams, but I feel guilty about it and worry that people just joining for the first time will check the cams, not hear anything, and think I lied about broadcasting audio. On the other hand, I feel guilty about not doing something I enjoy and value (making music for the sheer pleasure of it AND to practice/improve) so I think I'm going to start setting that time aside when Delia's at her meetings for alone time at the piano and just turn the audio off on the cams. I might even log in a special silent cam since I don't mind people WATCHING from a voyeuristic angle, I just don't want to be heard, critiqued, etc.
Maybe if I keep that up we'll start having monthly or weekly "performances" or something so the mystery can be revealed and to motivate me to focus on doing more than just noodling around.
Tomorrow our friends Julia the Naughty Teacher and her photographer are coming over for a visit, which we're really looking forward to.
We won't be shooting, just hanging out and chatting; we really need the social time and they're willing to drive all the way out to our peninsula location so the least we can do is try to get our house to look less like a pig sty. It's getting late and we still have a lot of cleaning to do, so I decided to post a "no frills" version of The List (of all the people I've fucked) tonight along with a guest gallery from Julia, and will publish an additional, more detailed version of The List whenever I'm able to implant the first layer of augmentation in the form of details, links, and video commentary.
While Julia and her photographer are here some of our cams will be down so they will be comfortable. Then we are going to be gone on Thursday so Delia can make one last deposit at the sperm bank before she goes on hormones (we're taking a break from trying to conceive) and we'll also deliver a late birthday present to my sister. We'll also be gone part of Friday for Delia's laser appointment. Next week I'll be hosting hyperchat, though, so members will have many opportunities to hang out with me in chat.
VOYEURS: sorry about the PMS - I know it's not very relaxing to spy on someone screaming and swearing and scowling and barely managing to not throw, kick and break things, but that's life. I tried to treat it with exercise and got out of the house to blow off some steam; it helped a lot and I enjoyed it, but hormones are stubborn fuckers and I have to let loose before the next three days of interacting with others and/or being away from home where I *have* to control myself.
I'm feeling really blessed to have good friends that I love after spending a few days totally spoiled with good company: Kris Madison and Amberlily drove all the way out to our remote locale so we could have a Sex and the City slumber party (Amberlily's fun idea). Seeing the movie was entertaining, but the best part was just spending time together and having the chance to talk. Half the time we were off cam (in other rooms or out of the house) or had the audio off so we could speak freely, so it might not have been a big treat for the voyeurs, but for ME? It was heavenly. I actually feel *rejuvinated*.
We did spend a lot of last night in bed talking (with the audio *on*) which was probably pretty entertaining for voyeurs to listen to (or not, depending on their perspectives); we had insanely heated arguments (I almost lost my voice/damaged my own hearing with my own high pitched protestations) about really inconsequential shit (which is the best kind of thing to debate). Does Holly Madison "deserve" better than Hugh Hefner who tells her she's not photogenic enough to be a centerfold? Do Tim Harrington's (of Les Savy Fav) performances insult/make fun of his audiences or are they a layered casserole of joy? Those two questions, their characters' milieus, and the surrounding issues were the basis of HOURS of delightful discussions.
For once I don't feel like I need a day off to recuperate after socializing (just a little catch-up on sleep), so before bed tonight I'm going to try to plan a couple of good shoots for tomorrow and get them out to my members as soon as possible.
NEW PLAN. For one week a month I'll be in HYPERCHAT mode. Coming up the first week of June I have multiple sessions of the old favorite News FLASH! scheduled and various chats at different times of day throughout the week. My goal is to spend about fifteen to twenty hours ten to fifteen hours in members-only chat and/or being generally more "entertaining" on the cams. I won't be scheduling all of those hours, some will be impromptu, but the point is to have a block of five to seven days each month when members will have a good chance to interact with me no matter what timezone they are in.
Note: chat sessions are NOT "shows", they are for CHAT ONLY. I do not take requests or suggestions unless I say so (in News FLASH!, for example) or I am logged in for PRIVATE shows with a viewer paying me by the minute.
I'm really looking forward to this new plan and think it will allow me the freedom I need during the rest of the month to work uninterrupted (without distractions or guilt) on projects that require my concentration for hours at a stretch with the freedom for me to drop everything else when inspiration strikes BUT will still allow me enough focused time to make hanging out with our members a priority.
Balancing different kinds of work is always a challenge for me, and often a fun challenge; it's always exhilarating to make new plans, tighten up routines, and approach what I've been doing for years in a slightly different way. I like letting the spycams be SPYcams, but I also miss spending time getting to know our members and feeling like I'm being at least a little entertaining and accessible. I think allowing myself a hyperchat week each month will be a nice change of pace without ruining other aspects of my work productivity. And of course I think members will like it, too.
Yesterday during one of my chat & masturbation webcam shows, a viewer asked me if I prefer a large or a small audience. I tried to be diplomatic about it, partly because I myself am uncomfortable with the true answer, so I said that there are pros and cons of each (which *is* true, but is not the answer).
The truth is that I prefer big audiences over small ones for group camshows. I either want to do a private show for just ONE person who pays me by the minute OR I want to do a group show for as many people as possible. Even though smaller crowds are almost always more polite, there is still a bigger thrill associated with having lots and lots and lots of people watching me at once.
I know this answer probably sounds contradictory given some of the complaints I have made about doing shows for big groups along with the enjoyment I've told you I experience doing shows for smaller crowds; I'm not invalidating anything I've said before -- those complaints and acknowledgments still stand. But I've *also* told you how I love the feeling of immortality provided by having my life/living enlarged by being watched:
Through my porn sites I have attained a degree of immortality. It sounds crazy, but it's true and it fascinates me. So much of the work I do amplifies and extends my living; I do feel like I'm more alive because so many people KNOW that I'm living, WATCH me living, READ me living, etc. It's heady, powerful stuff that overfeeds my most basic, primitive survival instincts. Maybe my own instincts have gone off the rails or I'm unwittingly describing the hallmarks of some kind of pathology, but whatever. Some people cheat death through extreme sports to feel more alive, some people have kids, some people perform acts of heroism . . . but I feel more alive simply because a few bloggy book people (along with thousands of men who've become erect and spilled seed over my web-graven images) know who I am.
I know it sounds more like cancer of the ego than immortality, but regardless of whether its source is mental illness or the actual attainment of mythological proportions, I *feel* superhuman because of all the people watching me going about life in my bubble.
This feeling isn't something I experience on a conscious level, it's primal (which is funny since it happens because of technology). I'm pretty sure it's the same feeling that drove Evil Men throughout History to invade and conquer neighboring and distant nations and peoples: to have legions of men lined up and standing erect before you, assimilated and saluting you, compelled to stand mutely before you and powerless to leave unless you expel them. It is heady stuff, and you feel it most when you have either *one* person ensnared OR impressively large numbers of them.
This morning when we fucked we were being watched by people on three different spycam networks. I like that. I cannot tell exactly how many people were watching and I wasn't interacting with any of those people, but I *did* like logging into one of those networks afterwards to find that 84 people were still watching there even after we had been done for ten minutes. I liked seeing that we had more viewers than any other houses. The numbers are small compared to the glory days back when I started exhibiting spycams, but still . . . fucking is even better somehow when there is a number attached to it of anonymous people who witnessed it. The bigger the number, the better it is (as long as those people had to pay an entrance fee of some sort to see it, otherwise it loses its charm).
The same is true of the group shows that do have interaction; I confess it excites me more to see 500-1500 people watching than it does 50. It's nothing personal; on the contrary -- it's something very IMpersonal. There's safety in numbers, even though there are always more assholes in big audiences and they have said some terrifyingly offensive shit to me; I feel less of an obligation to each individual person because I think of them more as a *mass* of people. I don't feel as awkward or self-conscious because there's a lot of static washing over me in the chatroom. There are also more people to play off of and time passes quickly; even though I find much of what is said is repetitive and obnoxious, it's just more entertaining than having a few people being really nice to me. And? There's a massive thrill in NOT doing what A LOT of people WANT me to do. Most of those people come to shows not to chat or to see a striptease, but for immediate graphic sexual stimulation. I spend about 40 minutes chatting and not being sexually graphic. And then when I am masturbating? It's, ummm, actually pretty boring to watch, I think. I do it virtually the same way in the same position every show without variation except in toys and occasionally asshole versus pussy. I'm not saying my shows are BAD -- I think they're relaxing, funny, genuine, and sexy -- but there are other women putting on much more wank-worthy shows: the kinds most people are *expecting* to see. When I don't give them that and it angers them, I feel flooded with power. I love telling them that if they want to tell me how to masturbate they'll have to get a private show where they pay me by the minute. If they are good guys, they'll ask how they can make that happen (and then I thrill at the opportunity to deny them, since I rarely ever do private shows anymore). THE MORE PEOPLE I DENY (or whose expectations I defy), THE MORE I'M THRILLED.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love it when people love my shows and express their appreciation or that I don't love civilized conversation -- I *do*, it's just that there is a special thrill that comes with making hundreds of men horny and mad and unable to make me do what they want; I think this might be the only almost-safe platform for deliberately sexually provoking men/"leading them on" where saying no won't lead to a physical assault or gang rape, and it is BECAUSE I know that what some of those guys are feeling and saying is precisely what many men (maybe even some of the same ones) have said and felt that led them to hurt women in real life that I feel thrilled; maybe a part of me feels that I'm standing at a unique point in history on a unique technological platform that allows me to magically elude the violent attacks I would suffer were I to say the things I say (and do the things I do) in any other place and time; it's probably the closest I can come to defying death. Oh, and of course there's also a thrill that comes with hearing a lot of guys tell me they've jerked themselves into a creamy frenzy during my shows. It's the idea of hundreds (preferably thousands) of CRAZED MEN going apeshit bonkers that gets me so psychologically worked up.
Oh, I know those of you who attend my shows are remembering all the times I've dismissed the question I'm asked every show of, "how does it make you feel that 457 (or however many people are present in the chatroom) men are jerking off to you?" but the only reason I act disinterested is because it's technically inaccurate since I know that not *everyone* watching is male and not everyone is watching the show with one hand on their genitals. My problem with the question is mostly the way that it's worded along with the hope they have that I'll say something about how WET it makes me; it's not that I do not get aroused by these thoughts, however I don't have time or enough stimulation during my shows (especially at the beginning of them, which is usually when someone asks that question) to really fantasize about that. No, the natural excitement I feel regarding those numbers is POWER.
The times I've gotten aroused by viewers in group shows have been when guys say something kinky about themselves like the unusual way they're masturbating (Oh Trixie, I'm just about to cum in my roommate's shoe watching you!) or confessing something like my best friend Brad and I have been jack-off buddies since we were 12; I'm imagining he's here now & we're watching you together, beating off! or just a number of simple status report like Oh, Trixie! I had to stop stroking my pole and pinch it because I almost came at the sight of your hairy butthole! or even just good old, Unnhhhhhhhjuscameonmykeyboard!. Unfortunately I get way too few of these kinds of remarks during my shows to really rely on viewer input for arousal and the other stuff I *do* hear regularly is often funny, but rarely a turn-on: Do you want my cum? Tell me you want my cum!! Doesn't work from a random stranger in a crowded room; in a private show or phone sex? That has potential. Will you marry me? I'll get you pregnant! The ultimate turn-off. Shuttup Bitch! I didn't come here to listen to you talk philosophy! While I enjoy this for the element of power, it doesn't arouse me sexually. I know this sounds sick, but it's an incredible feeling, knowing there are men SEETHING with hatred and contempt for me but they CAN'T make me shut up. Part of me enjoys hearing all of the predictable ugly insults (fat, ugly, old, stupid, etc.), because I know it is a very VERY special thing to sit here and be safe even when faced with confirmation that women are still loathed and victimized in very scary, gender-specific ways.
If asked what size audience DOES sexually arouse me most, I'd refer you back to private shows: ONE viewer arouses me most, one that I'm interacting with who is paying me by the minute to talk to me, tell me what to do and/or to expose himself to me. Private shows and phone sex are extremely sexually exciting to me (because they're hot, not because I feel like I'm flirting with danger). You want to know a big reason why I don't do them much anymore? Because they aren't as private as they used to be when I started camming and doing phone sex. It used to be just me and one other person: the viewer. Now my circumstances and the camsites have changed so much that I have way too many audiences to really get off on it the way I used to; there are people watching me on our spycams, the cam networks have sneak peeks running and archives being captured, I feel self-conscious with Delia in the house, etc. It's too much exposure for something that used to be hot because it was SO private. That's actually a subject for another blog entry I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I bring it up to illustrate how many different factors there are and yardsticks for measuring what kinds of shows I like doing best and how many people I like watching them (which is why the diplomatic answer IS TRUE; there are pluses and minuses to all of the different kinds of camming I do).
A few people who've had phone sex with me or chatted with me extensively are probably aware how much the numbers mean to me on many different levels; it *is* a big turn on to contemplate the numbers and the gallons, the spurts and the jerks of a large population. But the most instant reaction I have to the numbers DURING my shows is a surge of omnipotence more than arousal. The more people watching, the more power I have (and the more I feel I'm cheating death, I suppose).
Heads up if you want to keep an eye on our spycams tonight: we've got fucking on the agenda! I've been going crazy, having vivid sex dreams and masturbating, etc. Yesterday during one of my webcam shows I thought I was going to orgasm just from SEEING my clit.
I'm working on promo galleries for Delia's site right now, it's been snowing a little bit, and my sister is cooking boca burgers with lots of extra mushrooms, etc. We've had to veil and take down some of our cams while they're visiting because of my nephew being here. It's worth it (for us), though.
Though the storms interfered with my ability to do shows today, we re-channeled that energy into doing a photo/video shoot involving me in sheer panties sitting astride Delia and giving her (and the camera) a good rear view:
We shot this in our bedroom (nothing fancy) so I decided to turn off the audio on the one bedroom spycam that has it (actually, I didn't realize it wasn't even logged in at the time, but the two without audio were still up so that's good). Some camgirls like to let voyeurs spy on their shoots, but I often have reservations about it. For one thing, I sometimes worry it will spoil the "surprise" of the content when I post it. For another, I think it interferes with the fantasy; when you see all of the awkwardness that goes into a photo/video shoot and/or hear all of the technical components of it I think it's a mood-killer. There are a lot of interruptions to pause for the camera's focus, to adjust the angles, to check on the progress to see if it looks halfway like what you want it to look like, to make bossy demands of each other, etc. And that's just for a very amateur mid-quality shoot.
I know it sounds funny to hear me worrying about destroying "the fantasy" of porn since I make a habit of purposely doing exactly that on our sites by burping, farting, and explicitly reminding people of the boundaries between reality and fantasy (and demonstrating that most of the stuff on our spycams is ugly and/or boring and/or hilarious reality). On the other hand, when we shoot video -- ESPECIALLY video I know will be jerk-worthy -- I want people to be able to enjoy its hotness without thinking about how we argued over the lighting or how I had to stop for a minute and howl because I got a cramp in my leg or how we struggled for five minutes to engineer our body positions so that the camcorder would have a good view. I do think that stuff is interesting so I don't always censor these things, but sometimes I just want people to be able to focus on the end result and don't want to hotness of the product to be compromised by memories of the shoot itself.
In order for the sex video to feel as real and genuine as possible, you sometimes need to censor out the artifice of how it came to be recorded. Sex on tape by definition can never be a completely natural depiction of the real thing; instead you have to decide which very-real, very-hot elements of reality you want to capture and go through a process that eliminates as much of the artificial distractions as possible. We do have funny behind the scenes stuff and a lot of honest portrayals of our work and our selves that expose the artifice instead of pretending it doesn't exist, but sometimes I just want to wind up with something pure. Something that focuses on things I think are really fucking hot: my ass, sheer panties, cock in my pussy and cum on my butt.
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We don't have any big plans for New Year's Eve; we've both got little colds, but that's not why we're not doing any partying -- we *never* really do any partying. I'm looking forward to a Very Sober New Year.
My main focus today and tomorrow is to relax and start the new year out right (by being RELAXED and FOCUSED). I find it totally bizarre that so many other people like to start out their new year by making themselves sick -- I want to start it out feeling energized, not depleted. Seriously: it makes more sense and sounds more appealing to me to spend these two days housecleaning (which you all know I hate) than getting shitfaced or socializing.
My main project for today (and the upcoming week or two) is continuing to work on a redesign for my site (which is actually like THREE new designs since there's one for the members-only area, one for the free area, and one for affiliates to promote; actually, make that FOUR since I want to make the blog match the new look a little bit, too).
I have a very small list of things that MIGHT be called "resolutions", but only a couple of them are things that will be immediately visible and, I hope, appreciated by fans. The main thing? I resolve to wear clothes I actually LIKE more often rather than drag-assing around wearing stuff that doesn't even make me happy. Translation = I'll be "sexier" on our spycams. Notice I didn't say "I resolve to wear less clothing" or "I resolve to stop wearing clothes on cam". This is about quality, not quantity (though I will attempt to display more cleavage and/or more form-fitting tops to show off my Big Boobs better).
I'm also starting 2008 with health insurance and saying goodbye to six years of being uninsured. I have my doubts about whether or not this is actually a good/worthwhile thing, but I guess since it already is making some friends and family feel relieved and less worried that it's a good thing.
Our cable internet connection went down (and most of our spycams with it) about fifteen minutes ago so I've been on hold ever since trying to find out what the deal is. Apparently some change they made that was supposed to be transparent to customers wasn't so transparent. They have to send a signal to our modem to get it working again, but because of how many people are affected there are loads of signals trying to get out so it COULD TAKE FOUR OR FIVE HOURS before ours goes through.
And they don't have any way of prioritizing business accounts like ours over regular ones, SO the only cams we'll be able to broadcast until it gets back up are our Rude cams which we run from our DSL machine.
Eventually I will get a wireless router for the DSL modem and wireless for our other machines so we can switch to the DSL connection when this happens, but for now we're a little stuck, which sucks since a bunch of our cams were down last night, too since a bunch of our machines auto-updated overnight. Blargh.
We're going to hang out in our members-only chatroom tonight while we listen to Art Bell's Halloween special, Ghost to Ghost, on the radio.
There are more links and info on our calendar; it should be fun, spooky and relaxing and we'll stay up as late as we can, so it could be hours of chatty, voyeuristic fun (Coast to Coast is a major treat for voyeurs, I think)!
FYI: there won't be any sex happening on our cams tonight; Delia isn't allowed to waste any ejaculate before her sperm-freezing/testing appointment tomorrow.
Last week we revived our backyard spycam for members. We don't have it on the highest-quality spycam site so it's not as pretty as before, but you can still see the time of day and weather we're experiencing in our world and even the moon (a circle of white in a field of darkness accompanied by a reflection of the light from the webcam in the window; note: photo above is NOT from our spycam).
Last night we spent some time in bed together holding hands with the lights off and the curtains open, just staring up at the clouds and fog passing between us and the moon and listening to a soundtrack of spacey new age music (I'll give a link to my iMix when I get it), breathing deeply and eventually falling asleep. We have a pretty fucking awesome view from our bed, I must say.
I've been off the pill for about four months now; am I imagining that my body hair is thicker and more expansive than before? Seriously, my pits, pubes and facial hair seem a whole lot thicker and spread farther afield than while I was on birth control. Does anybody know if that is a normal thing to have happen when you stop taking the pill?
Hormones and gender are on my mind a lot these days because of Delia being in the process of transition and about to go on female hormones herself. It's made me think more about my own gender identity and question things I might otherwise take for granted, like the simple process of my own hair growth. I'm not a very hairy person, but I am quite a bit hairier than my mom and sister. My facial hair isn't dark or noticeable, but I have a lot of blonde fuzz on my face, to the point where it shocks people when the light hits it just right and they see how much of it there is. It makes me wonder how much of my differences from my mom and sister is a different mix of genetic traits and how much of it is a different blend of hormones.
Speaking of hormones, I'm in the midst of my third whirl with PMS since going off the pill (so no, we're not yet pregnant). I *really* miss my steady diet of hormones and am having a relatively difficult time without them. I don't just suffer for a week -- no, my mood swings, depression, and murderous impulses dog me for (what feels like) weeks in an exhaustingly unpredictable manner. I can reassure you that it's not every moment of every day (hence the unpredictability) and life is sweet and peachy in so many ways, but overall I'm having a pretty hard time. It could be worse, I know, but I'd like it to be better. An example of my out-of-whack emotions: my eyes filled with tears last night when the clouds thickened enough to completely blot out our view of the moonlight. I would have started sobbing uncontrollably if not for worrying that Delia and our voyeurs would think I was crazy.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) morning I'm going to be in the chatroom if you feel like keeping each other company. Here's our schedule if you want more details.
Yesterday I accidentally spoke my legal name (first AND last) aloud over our spycams when I forgot to turn the audio off before making a phone call. Fittingly, the phone call was to our cable company in hopes of fattening our internet pipe so that we can broadcast MORE spycams, faster (so people can overhear even more of the goings-on in our house).
FYI: though I'm not super-uptight about a few voyeurs knowing my legal names, it's not an invitation for people who know me as Trixie to address me as anything other than Trixie (or "Trix" OR even "stupid ugly cunthole" - even that would be preferable to people puncturing my webwhore bubble by assuming a level of familiarity I've not expressly solicited). There are actually quite a few members, past and present, who know my "real" name, and they've done a great job of earning my trust by respecting that Trixie is my chosen name for my webwhore-related interactions.
Having said that, there *have* been a couple of times where people used my birth name online to put me in an uncomfortable place trying to show me that they knew something they weren't supposed to. It was like they wanted me to know I couldn't get away with "fooling" them. Also, there have been people who are hell-bent on knowing my "real" name, repeatedly trying to drag it out of me; anyone who seems to think he NEEDS to know my birth name is someone I don't want to have that information. For one thing, "Trixie" is just as real a name to me as the one my parents gave me because I gave mySELF this name. I really detest anyone who acts like the name I gave myself is inherently fake or phony. Plus, someone who doggedly refuses to acknowledge the importance of having a stage name just for privacy's sake in this industry is someone I don't want to deal with -- they are the people who give whores good reason to protect their identities and keep them separate from their family lives.
Someone trying to convince me to tell him my real name once tried to appeal to my sense of fairness by saying, "but if I join your site, then you'll know *MY* name and personal information so I should know yours, too!" Wow -- and by his logic, when he joins my site and gets to see and hear inside MY HOME, it would only be fair for me to see and hear inside HIS home. Using his rationale I would apparently be justified in using the name and address associated with his credit card to go to his house and spy on him and his family and maybe google his name to find out where he works since, after all, he gets to spy on ME while I am working, right?
Of course not. That way of thinking is ALL WRONG. Anyway, the product I sell isn't "fairness" -- it's FANTASY. Sure, I pride myself on offering a more authentic and less fictionalized version of the porn fantasy, but I don't enter into a reciprocal relationship with my customers. It's not like, "you show me your credit card, I'll show you mine." No, it's an exchange and I set the terms. If private information like my birth name were to be for sale, I would SELL it as such. For like, five million dollars since it would pretty much be a one-time deal because anyone who thinks that information is too juicy for me to deserve to keep it under wraps would probably post it all over the internet anyway and I wouldn't be able to sell that information again. And because I would want to make the point that YES, I DO think my private information is worth more than yours, and if you're hell bent on stalking me to get more out of me than I offer professionally, you owe me the kind of money that will afford bodyguards, a nice home security system and a really lovely arsenal.
It's not that I don't understand being curious and it's not that I think that kind of curiosity is pathologically dangerous -- it's not the curiosity that bothers me, it's the disrespect shown in trying to SATISFY that curiosity. In the example of the guy who thought that since I could look up his real name in my system that he should get to know mine, it's like he was trying to take me down a peg by getting me to say something like, "gosh, you're right! What, do I think I'm *better* than you? No, I'm just an untrustworthy whore trying to exploit you with my fake identity and shouldn't be trusted with your personal information without handing over an even more literal pound of flesh than the ones on display in my members-area. Who do I think I am, using my fraudulent porn persona to extract your personal information? Before you waste twenty dollars to see my life's work since 2002 I need to make sure we're even-Steven and I've been properly subjugated by your superior will."These guys with their sense of entitlement scare me, but not enough that I won't confirm their worst nightmare: YES, I NOT ONLY *THINK* I AM BETTER THAN YOU, I *KNOW* THAT I AM BETTER THAN YOU. How do I know? By your horribly ill-mannered invasiveness, that's how I know. Oh, and I ALSO KNOW THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF MY CUSTOMERS ARE BETTER THAN YOU, TOO, BECAUSE THEY DON'T PESTER ME IN THIS SOCIALLY RETARDED MANNER AND EVEN IF THEY DO KNOW SOME OF MY "SECRETS" THEY DON'T TRY TO RUB MY NOSE IN IT.
T I D B I T S
*Good news: Nico (our dog) doesn't have a tumor; she had weed seeds that burrowed into her skin and became infected and swollen. Apparently this is a fairly common thing that happens to outside-dogs in the summer. The vet extracted the little buggers and prescribed some antibiotics, so all is well!
*Good news: I recently lost a few pounds. Bad news: I think I lost them off of my boobs. I guess that's what happens when you go off the pill.
*We bought a new printer last week and I still haven't had a chance to figure out where to put it or even just unpack it and smell it's new-machine smell. It's a photo printer, so maybe now we'll be able to sell 8x10's (there seems to be a niche demand for autographed 8x10's of webwhores, fyi).
I just added a new show to our lineup, starting tonight at 9 pm (Pacific) Delia and I will be prancing around WebWhore Headquarters trying on different outfits, primping in front of the mirror, and chatting in between costume changes. It's a softcore tease thing, so not a big sex show.
Non-members can see it HERE for $2 | Members can see it HERE for free.
I woke up early yesterday to pee, only to step into a puddle; it was raining, and our bathroom floor covered with water. We have a leak somewhere on the roof that trickles down into the fan and seeps out around the edges (we never use the fan, fyi). After that discovery I had a difficult time falling back to sleep, but when I did? Sex dreams.
I dreamt I was extremely aroused and licking my own pussy. I wasn't contorting or anything, it's just like my vulva was detached and right in front of my face, like a photo spread come to life. I greatly enjoyed sucking on my clit, except that it was much smaller than it is in real life; at the crest of the hood there was barely any bump, but whatever -- I couldn't get enough of it. It seems I'd trimmed more than usual, too, so there were quarter-inch blonde whiskers making slightly prickly feelings on my mouth. I had an orgasm or more.
Wondering whether or not I'm pregnant? If so, READ THIS.
It's a lovely day, both foggy and rainy. I'm looking forward to taking a shower and doing a shoot or two of some kind, then posting my members-only update (probably much later tonight). I'm not sure if I'll post whatever we shoot today, or pull something older out of the stash. I also have some self-sucking pics to post in the Trixie's Houseboy members-only area, but those may have to wait until later to go up.
Since we added another spycam site to our lineup and a couple of new SPLENDID webcams adding two new views of our bedroom, I have felt a LOT less stressed out. With three camsites to rely upon, I feel much less concerned about what our members will think if one of them takes a temporary dive (as the one we've come to rely upon the most has been doing too often). I feel much more relaxed knowing there are seven+ awesome live plugins on our sites for members (SpyOnYou, VoyeurBrazil, HouseCamz, Rude Houses, SexCamCentral, AmateurCamz, and Rude Shows).
I know that sounds like a big fat advertisement. That's because it IS a big fat advertisement, but only secondarily. The main reason I'm mentioning it is because this is a journal, and I feel really happy about the new stuff (and maintained old stuff) on our sites. More than anything else on our sites, I tend to stress out about the spycams because they're an around-the-clock obligation. Anytime we add more spycams or get greater stability or more access to other people's cams for our members it makes me VERY HAPPY. The more live content we offer, the more I feel a cozy buffer between me and "fucking up". It's like an airbag; if there's an emergency or an accident and I don't do a great job with one aspect of our sites or if one of the sites we appear on goes down then there's a safety net of all this other stuff to keep members happy. Sure, I know that's not enough for everyone and I know we can always do *more*, but in terms of my own sense of anxiety and accomplishment I feel a lot "more better" lately about our sites and less compelled to be checking the cams constantly or ripping my hair out when I discover some of them are down. It's just a huge relief for me.
Voyeurs: if you saw me masturbating yesterday and wondered what I was reading to fan the flames, it was a little porn-story-magazine thingy featuring guy-on-guy sex. With lots of really good drawings of gigantic cocks surrounded by sensuous big lips, horny sailors, etc.
And if you saw us fucking yesterday and wondered what was on the television that was so damned erotic, it was Notes on a Scandal. Note: I am not one of those people who romanticizes or excuses real life women (especially teachers) who fuck young boys, particularly not Mary Kay Letourneau, but that's a subject for a different blog entry. Aside from the naughty hot sex scenes, I loved the wicked narration from Judi Dench's deliciously evil character. She was like a combination of John Malkovich and Glenn Close in Dangerous Liaisons, Snape, and Patricia Highsmith's Ripley all rolled into one nasty bit of work.
I know we're supposed to be critical of portrayals of lesbians and older women and women in general as scary unhinged monsters, but I love and celebrate Barbara Covett and her fiendishly manipulative pursuit of female companionship and sexual pleasure. She made me hot -- best movie villain I've seen in a long time.
After my show today I spent most of my time working on a new website; I'll give you more details on that tomorrow or Tuesday. I've also been really sleepy even though I got eight hours of sleep; I needed to take a couple of naps today, probably because I got no exercise yesterday as I spent many splendid hours in bed (see above) masturbating, reading and fucking.
Looks like the spycam site is down for the count (I imagine they are doing server work and it will be back up soon; if not I will call them). Very annoying.
I'm devoting a lot of time today to housecleaning; it's one of those things I can't find inspiration to do consistently so eventually it builds up to the point where I can't stand being surrounded by rubble and messy chaos anymore. Today is that day.
Delia and I must have caught a bug; I've got a sore throat and hardly ever get sick so other than housecleaning and posting my update I'm not sure I'll accomplish much today (though cleaning the house is a MAJOR undertaking).
Oh, we *are* going to enjoy a dork dance session on our spycams this evening if you want to watch/listen. Of course, that will rely upon the spycam site COOPERATING. Grrrrr . . .
Tomorrow we're going to Seattle to visit my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew, Mr. Squishy-Pants. I'm looking forward to it and must INSIST that my body heal itself and not carry any sickness across the sound.
My nascent bubblegum fetish is getting bigger and bigger and BIGGER. I can't resist integrating it into my group webcam shows (as in the above image snagged by DavieUK during one of my Monday shows) and I'm beginning to crave it during (non-recorded) sex.
After my late show on Monday my g-spot was still craving action so I lured Tucker into the bedroom and climbed on top of him to rub my long-socked legs all over him. I suddenly felt like if I had some gum to chew and blow everything would be PERFECT. And then I got an urge to not only wear long socks and blow bubbles while fucking, but also to slap Tucker silly. Alas, he said he would need to be tanked to endure a slap-session and because I'd already combined in my head the gum-chewing/blowing with the face-slapping I didn't even bother getting off Tucker to go into my office for gum. Instead we had a loud and heated session of "regular" sex including some doggy-style after my orgasm. I have never had an orgasm while being fucked from behind (except with the aid of a vibrator) so even though I enjoy it and experience pleasure from it, we usually don't do it that way unless we're in extended-play mode. Unfortunately no one sent me a screen capture from that session, but I imagine those watching were too busy with other things to be copying and pasting screen grabs.
As some of you've heard already, we're going to start an ongoing contest with monthly winners for voyeurs who submit screen caps. The only reason I keep procrastinating on starting and announcing it is I feel like I need to write some tutorials for those who don't already know how to do the print screen thing. I also have some software to recommend for people to be able to automate the process and even capture video with audio. I'm sure some fellow webwhores will think it's totally irresponsible of me to teach viewers how to archive our live performances and spycam moments, but I don't really have a problem with it as long as they don't try to resell them or post scads of them on message boards, etc. I actually feel like it's totally taking advantage of members to get them to record content and then send it to me so I can use it to make money. Seems like a fair trade to me when it boils down to it.
I'll be posting more bubblegum and long sock content to my members area today so if you're not sick of my bubblegum obsession, you'll be pleased.
FYI: the bubble in the above pic was blown with four or five pieces of Bazooka.
If you've been watching my spycams the past couple of days and noticed an unusual silence, it's because I decided to try Ritalin again. No loud, angry outbursts of swearing! Isn't that refreshing?
I'm still noisy in the fart arena, though. Yesterday I sat down at my desk and ripped the craziest-sounding fart with a squeaker on the end; I burst out laughing, it was so cute. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE AUDIO ON OUR SPYCAMS! Also, last night I posted a short fart video in the behind-the-scenes section of SpyOnUs. Here's a picture of me farting from my favorite gallery we shot last week:
The place we're shooting at ROCKS -- it's fucking gorgeous AND the wireless works so we have one cam up. Of course, the house is huge so I can't say you'll see much unless we keep moving the computer around (it has a power issue too so sometimes when we unplug it? It won't turn back on).
Anyway, this should be a fun and productive couple of nights, for sure. It's too bad, though, that there are zero curtains/shades on the windows; could make shooting at night with lights difficult with the neighbors who could, for all we know, be the owners.
This morning I realized that the past few months of my archives here aren't linked in the archive list; I don't know what the problem is or how to fix it, but I hope to work it out soon. Like, next year or something. Just kidding.
*I was in Awana as a preteen and I liked it. I loved the structure and felt like I was proving to our super-conservative neighbors that I couldn't possibly be a total heathen with my knack for memorizing bible verses. When I was in Awana the rewards were little tiny "jewels" that you put in the miniature plastic crowns that you pinned on your chest. The more jewels and crowns and shit meant the more bible verses you knew. Doesn't look like they still have those cool little crowns and jewels and stuff anymore; that's a crying shame. Wait -- I'm wrong! At least the Sparkies still have that stuff.
Tucker and I have had some great sex the past couple of days so I hope you were watching on our spycams because the next few days will be boring; we're going out of town again to do some (photo) shooting. Supposedly there's internet access at the house we're renting, but I'm not holding my breath; we'll bring a cam or two just in case, though, but the view will probably be boring since I'm not up to the challenge of wiring a whole house for cams for two nights when we need to spend that time focusing on content production, not spycams.
So much for my massage this morning; seems that the guy penciled me in for a FACIAL rather than a massage, so I had to reschedule. Hmmm . . . I wonder what he was thinking? Oh well, they are making it up to me by tacking on a free half hour which makes the inconvenience of waking up early TOTALLY worth it. Plus, Tucker made a big batch of bean dip last night and I overindulged; the poor massage girl would have been in pure hell with me farting throughout the massage so everything worked out for the best.
My apologies, but I planned a lovely afternoon of fucking and enjoying ourselves, but our cams are not cooperating. Scratch that -- the site hosting our cams is not cooperating. CONSTANT DISCONNECTIONS. And now the computer with our bedroom cam and all three of our cams hosted on a different site simply refuses to connect to the internet. While the lovely brunch we just cooked gets stale and cold in the kitchen as I try to get this sorted out so people can spy on us.
Sorry if you are able to see and hear me on my office spycam throwing a hysterical tantrum. I'm so glad we picked up a pint of gin because I am ready for a drink (or five) for once.
We're going to be gone for three days / a couple of nights in a rental shooting as big of a buttload of photos as we possibly can. Normally we don't do a great job of taking care of our fingernails and toenails as we should given our line of work, so I scheduled a manicure for Tucker and a pedicure for myself today. I think the asian guy doing my feet tickled them on purpose with his pumice stone and got a big jolt of pleasure out of making me squirm and giggle.
So. I did do the brunette thing again and even a shade darker than last time. I LOVE IT!
Anyway, there won't be any action on our spycams while we're gone since there's no internet access where we're going. I know, it sounds like we're living in some kind of a time warp, but we tend to rent places that are in rural locations for our shoots so modern amenities like internet access can't be taken for granted and honestly, I'm kind of glad. We like to get away from the spycams and just immerse ourselves in shooting and then having bedtime all to ourselves with no computers humming or peepers peeping.
We're madly cleaning in anticipation of the arrival of my sister, brother-in-law, and squishy nephew. They're coming early for my family-oriented birthday party/spring celebration and staying until Wednesday.
What does this mean for our members? Some of the cams and/or audio may be down while they're here the next three days/nights. I won't be paying much attention to computer/site stuff, and we canceled our Monday and Tuesday shows.
What does this mean for me? I've been looking forward to this birthday celebration for awhile since we didn't celebrate Christmas here in Washington state with my family because we were in Michigan with Tucker's. My 34th birthday and onset of spring feel like a good substitute. Normally I don't give a shit about my birthday (and I definitely don't care about what day Christmas is celebrated), but this time around I totally told everybody what we are going to do, how we're going to do it, and I have held-over Christmas presents to give them so I can feel like a springtime Santa Claudette. I'm excited!
When I say that having my pussy eaten is my LEAST favorite sex act, it surprises people. I love giving head (to men, to women, to the androgynous butthole), but getting it? I usually prefer to fuck or get a hand job.
BUT. There is something about the sound of Explosions in the Sky that makes me want to be licked all over between my legs, so the other night as soon as we popped in "All of A Sudden I Miss Everyone" I REQUESTED head from Tucker. That music IS the sound of really really REALLY good oral applied with loving enthusiasm from a girl's asscrack up to her clit and swirling all around and heading back down. Seriously, it is EXQUISITE. That music sounds exactly like good head feels to a chick, like fireworks and chicks kissing and whimpering because it feels so incredible. The dynamics of those songs, the percussive buildups, the repetition, the reverberations, the subtle (but grand) transitions from one great sensation to another, from one area of stimulation (the perineum, let's say) to another (clit-sucking, for example) -- oh my.
Since Tucker loves to immerse his face in pussy I think he'll be really really happy about the addition of these cd's to our music collection because it inspires an achingly urgent desire in me to have him give me "oral pleasure".
I got an early birthday present from someone with very good taste so we'll be listening to those two Explosions in the Sky CDs and fucking (I've been looking forward to fucking to this music for a long time and the night is finally here)!
Anyway, I'm taking a bath first and then we'll begin luxuriating in bed and, you know, DOING "it" so check it out on the spycams.
Our house smells faintly of Lapsang Souchong. Mmmm. . . . if you're a fan of that smokey tea, I'm in love with the Russian Caravan we can get at our local hippy store (not sure if this is the same brand we've gotten, but it's worth checking out if you're into tea).
I'm a little hyperaware of the scent of our house right now because Kris Madison is coming over to stay with us for a few days; I'm afraid the dominant notes in our domestic bouquet won't be smokey tea leaves, but instead will be damp, sweaty, unwashed laundry, wet dog, and heated vomit from our vaccuum cleaner which our brother-in-law used to clean up after our Nico puked while we were gone when she ate a chicken carcass.
Speaking of aromas, we ate a lot of refried beans last night; I'm on the verge of becoming the first human hovercraft. I wonder how many people cancel their memberships to my site after hearing me moan, fart and giggle over the spycam audio one too many times? Or is that part of my distinctive charm?
Lately our internet connection has been falling out a lot, which means that our cams stop communicating with the spycam sites and we won't notice until we wake up or check or someone emails us. The connection will only go down very temporarily so we won't even notice it even if we're working at a computer since we might not be surfing at the moment and when we are, it's back up but of course has been down long enough for our cams to drop.
Anyway, I called my cable company again today and they tell me they are still working on upgrades in my area (has been going on more than a month now, I'd say) and today are even working right on our street, apparently. I'm hopeful things will be vastly improved whenever they actually complete these upgrades, but in the meantime thank you for your patience with our up-and-down cams.
When our connection falters while we're sleeping it is especially frustrating since it can mean hours of downtime until we wake up and check the cams; it's even more frustrating to me now that we're on a bit more of a night-owl schedule since if I don't wake up till 10 or 11 am on the west coast, it's afternoon or evening for lots of our fans on the east coast and in the UK and Europe when many probably don't realize it's still bedtime for us. Sigh.
Ten minutes before Delia's show was set to start, our power got knocked out. Bhoooooosh. SNACK. That's the sound of all of our computers turning off. I'll spare you imitations of a handful of power surges.
Yes, I am glad I got a battery backup thingy for my new computer. No, I am not glad I didn't invest in doing the same for all of our other machines. Now my old computer won't start up unless it's in safe mode. Again.
Anyway, Delia postponed her show so everything is almost back to normal, just a few hours later than planned.
I would have made a phone post about this, but I forgot to write down my new hipcast settings when I switched to the new blogger. Gark.
The night before the game we decided to watch Invincible. Overall I enjoyed it more than I enjoyed Dreamgirls, but it was difficult for me to root for the guy. Not two minutes into the movie HE LITTERS!!!! How can I root for someone WHO LITTERS??? I thought this movie was supposed to be wholesome and Disneyfied! Whatever.
I can't get behind a movie built around a character who's not allowed to cuss but is depicted LITTERING with impunity!! Then we see him unable to manage his anger, vandalizing his own apartment!!!! Vandalism and littering, those are two behaviors I just canNOT abide. To top it all off he and his buddies are total retards, playing neighborhood tackle football with full contact and no protection. How am I supposed to cheer for such an idiot? How can Disney glorify such incredible stupidity? What a poor POOR example this character sets for children and impressionable dumb men everywhere.
Oh, and don't even let me get started on the way he balked at trying out for the team -- what a dumbass. You'll take the risk of having your body battered with serious injuries to impress your moron buddies, but you won't risk being rejected at a tryout? Lame!! That shit is WAY worse than porn, and Disney peddles it as a heart-warmer. DESPICABLE!! Let me tell you, I would never tolerate a littering vandal of a lunkhead for a boyfriend if he went so far as to risk life and limb playing tackle football with a bunch of angry, repressed, unemployed, bitter and resentful fartknockers in Philadelphia. I'd totally break up with him (but not the way his wife did, just because he got fired and stuff). And I totally wouldn't write that mean note to him, but at the point where he wouldn't try out for the team? I'd have pinned him to the wall, gotten in his face, and started hissing, "listen here you stupid shithead; if you like football enough to risk hurting yourself when we don't have insurance, you better like it enough to get your pussy ass down there and TRY OUT, you senseless intolerable nitwit! And if you don't go and I ever hear you touched a football again with your buddies I'm going to throw your shit into the street, piss all over it, and change the locks on the doors!" Yeah, that's the way you handle that!! Too bad doing that might be construed as littering and vandalism, but I'd have had damn good REASON, see?
Anyway, it was an okay movie. We enjoyed it.
Confession: I totally didn't get why they named the movie "Invincible" until the moment I typed it in this blog entry. NOW look who's the stupid lunkhead, right?
I doubt we'd have even finished watching the game if it weren't for being in the chatroom and talking about it (and other things) with a few voyeurs. Prince was fantastic at half-time, and so daringly gender-defiant with his Aunt Jemima do-rag; we were thrilled by his performance and talent, as usual. It's about time they picked someone suitable for the halftime performance. I loved that the only thing naughty about it was that lovely phallic silhouette of his guitar jutting away from his shadow-body.
After the game I spent a lot of time on the phone with Ron and my wanker (not at the same time), and also had a couple of long phone calls today. It's unusual for me to spend so much time on the phone, but they were all good chats so it was worth it. FYI voyeurs: the reason the audio on WebWhoreHQ Cam went on and off today and last night was because of those phone conversations and the need to keep some topics of discussion private. Sorry about that.
There's a technical problem with SOY's chat server tonight and the tech guy doesn't know if it will be fixed soon SO I'm holding chat in my members-only area. Members: scroll down to the bottom of THIS PAGE, click on "members only shows" and you'll have me in chat. My cam will still be broadcast on SOY, however.
It's too bad that "young" clothes are so inexpensive while purchasing mature and womanly garb requires more funds. When WILL my bankbook match my age? I need my grownup-galleries to outnumber my youthful-role-play content by at LEAST two to one instead of the other way around. THREE to one, that would be PERFECT.
This weekend some or all of our cams will be down while family is visiting. My apologies for my low-level of interaction in terms of shows, email, chat, etc. I *almost* scheduled a chat session tonight, but was wise enough to decide against making that commitment. I'm feeling pretty tense and overwhelmed right now, and will probably remain so for the next few weeks until some goals are met. Our van is in the shop AGAIN (fan clutch being replaced), I have housework to do to prepare for company, and just a shitload of tasks demanding my attention. When I'm struggling to balance a lot of stuff and am focused on getting stuff done, being social is pretty much inconceivable for me. I don't just mean that I don't want to do it, I mean that I am incapable.
So. I have dirty dishes and a dirty toilet waiting for me, it's too late for me to do them tonight so they'll have to wait for morning . . . RIGHT BEFORE THE ONE SHOW I LEFT ON THE SCHEDULE, right before company comes over. Oh, won't the boys LOVE my charming attitude tomorrow!
Warning: this is another boring entry and more for my own benefit than yours.
A headache hit me yesterday as I got ready for my first show of the day so my "performance" was extremely boring. I had to turn off my main "show" light since the brightness shining in my face seemed to be piercing my brain. Ultimately I decided to cancel my second show only an hour before it started because I still felt crappy in the head.
If I'd have taken a nap I probably would have felt better, but the trouble is . . . I didn't want to sleep. True, I was experiencing *some* pain but not so much that I didn't still want to read or watch tv. I wanted a sick day, I think.
We wound up taking the dog for a walk (fresh air -- delightful) and spending the rest of the evening in bed watching movies and television. And popping Vicodin. MARVELOUS. It completely slipped my mind we have a stash of those until Tucker reminded me. Nevermind that it makes my skin crawl with itchies and gives me bad dreams, every so often I adore a little prescription mind-alteration. When you can't take a real vacation, I say take drugs!
Of course I feel terribly guilty for skipping out on a show so I could take a walk, pop pills, and eat even more ding dongs, but I'm human and can't remember when (if ever) I've cancelled a show because I was sick. It's times like this when I feel incredibly self-conscious about the spycams, imagining I'm being judged harshly for neglecting my webwhore duties in favor of lazing in bed. Imagining people are "tsking" and remarking to themselves on how I must not be really sick if I'm alert and having sickbed fun instead of lying in a pool of my own sweat and vomit (or at least sleeping). Again, I wasn't tremendously sick or pained, I just felt yucky enough that I couldn't stand the thought of doing another half-assed show.
I actually do still have a headache this morning -- nothing terribly painful, it just hurts to bend over and . . . hurts. It's mild, but distracting and I still feel light-sensitive.
Here is a long list of my ideas about what caused this headache (I *told* you this would be a boring entry):
Too much salt! I've been scarfing down a lot of salty carbs in the past few days, plus Tucker thinks I don't drink enough liquids to counteract the salt effects.
Eye Strain! Maybe I've been reading too much or the fact that I still haven't got a new and correct prescription for my contacts and glasses is to blame.
Psycho! Maybe I just didn't want to do my shows and *created* a headache for myself to excuse myself or because I so totally hated the idea of doing shows yesterday.
Ding Dongs! Oh, those poisoned pucks of cakey deliciousness filled with goo. I bought a box of them midweek and have consumed all but two of them over five days. I know they're evil and toxic so perhaps they are to blame.
Muscle Tension! I have horrible posture at the computer; sitting for hours in my bad computer pose compounded with doing shoots in which I torque my back and neck trying to look "sexy" can really fuck up my/anyone's spine and nerves and stuff, especially when I haven't made time to stretch this week at all.
Hormones I skipped my period / birth-control-pill-off-week this month, so have been popping hormones nonstop for six weeks without a break; the pill is a very likely suspect. I've actually been having some weird dizzy spells too, now that I think of it. Hmmm . . . I probably better not do that again.
Lack of Sleep I didn't get quite enough sleep over the past three days leading up to the headache; I don't function well when I'm even a little bit sleep-deprived.
Emotional Build-Up Having our van break down again and having to spend another $500 getting it towed and its radiator replaced this week was, you know, stressful. I also have been repressing my urges to cry at stupid things, and being on the pill makes me want to cry at A WHOLE LOT of stupid things (Extreme Makeover Home Edition is a major culprit). It's so embarrassing that I wind up furrowing my brow and hyperventilating in my attempts to restrain myself from having crybaby outbursts. My whole body gets all hot and tense trying to hold in the tears so our voyeurs won't see them and Tucker won't worry that I'm, you know, losing my mind. I really should try giving myself a week of complete crybaby freedom instead of letting myself boil inside with repressed emotions, no matter how trivial and silly their sources.
Physical Build-Up I'm still not getting enough aerobic exercise; that build-up of unspent energy along with unspent SEXUAL energy can sometimes make me really crazy and I don't doubt that has some effect on my BRAIN.
Whatever. It's always good to have a reminder to strive for more balance. I hardly ever get sick, and never in any way that's debilitating, so I can almost-always blame my own behavior for not feeling well. Maybe it sounds like I'm being critical of myself, but I like reminding myself that I have control over how I feel and that if I want to avoid feeling bad I should modify my behavior (get more sleep, eat less salt, get more exercise, do more stretching, TAKE A WHOLE DAY OR TWO OFF EVERY SO OFTEN, etc.). I wonder if it seems to other people like I over-analyze and hyperfocus on my trivial ailments when I do have them to the point where it sounds like I have serious health problems; if so, I attribute my actually-quite-dandy health to being aware and thinking critically about how I feel.
Today I'm going to take it easy, do some napping, and not feel guilty at all about lazing in bed. I still have a lot of work to do today, but I'm going to start it out relaxing. I wish I could say I'll post a more interesting blog entry today, but I don't really think that's going to happen with the other stuff on my to-do list.
If any of you voyeurs saw me looking flushed while I slouched in my chair and/or heard the sound of buzzing and wondered what I might have been watching while I masturbated with my magic wand, it was a video of Tucker jacking off that I was editing for his update tonight.
Then again, you probably didn't see or hear it because it only lasted for about four minutes and I didn't take off any clothes or start moaning or anything. Wand over pants watching cockstroking = quick orgasm for Trixie.
When we started watching the Seahawks vs. Bears football game this morning I honestly didn't think we'd be watching long, assuming Chicago would take an early and pronounced lead and we'd just turn off the rest of a boring game. If you watched it, though, you know it didn't turn out that way. It was an entertaining waste of time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Watching Matt Hasselbeck (Seattle's quarterback aka "the guy who throws the ball", I should tell you, since this isn't a sports blog) doubled over in pain from his broken fingers while he kept on playing made me wonder how people would respond if I as a webwhore/camgirl, for instance, did a masturbation show with broken fingers and kept wincing in pain, and then had an announcer reminding everyone in the viewing audience of all of the injuries I'd suffered while doing explicit sex shows and masturbation.
Trixie's back today and it looks like she's still favoring her right ankle; no one really knew last month that she sprained that ankle when she twisted it wearing five inch fetish heels because she kept her game face on and kept doing her show but wound up having to stay off her feet and on her back for the past three weeks to give that time to mend, really REDUCING her versatility on the playing field. She looks to be in fine form tonight, though, with no traces of that rectal tear giving her any problem, but I wouldn't be surprised if we saw that ripped asshole FLARE UP in the second half.
Wouldn't the anti-porn, anti-whore people be mortified? And wouldn't they be even MORE mortified if a whore suffered those kinds of injuries and actually got paid as much as a pro football player?
Yeah, that's what I thought. You know what I'm talking about.
I just uploaded a couple of embarrassing updates to my members-only area. One of them being a non-pornographic only SLIGHTLY risque gallery featuring my massage therapist and I. The less porn-intentioned something is, the more intimate it seems to be, and the better it lends itself to naughty real-life sorts of fantasies. I really love the photos Tucker took, the colors, the light and my freckled pink skin.
Speaking of massages, Tucker and I exchanged some last night and then he gave me a really good handjob and we had really yummy sex. Then we turned on American Psycho and I fell asleep to the sounds of Patrick Bateman's anxiety.
I had to wake up early to do some work that had to be done (selecting photos for promotional purposes takes me A VERY LONG TIME -- wading through tons of pictures trying to find the perfect ones to best represent you, second-guessing everything, wondering if it really will fit their layout or needs, etc.) so I lost some sleep and had to take a nap later. I wound up having some intense sex dreams and orgasms -- my clit was SO engorged it was blue-tinged and much larger than usual. I strummed it furiously, and also bent over to lick and kiss it (oh the sweetness of defying physical limitations in dreams). One of my stepbrothers was also involved; I was lucid enough to somewhat guiltlessly indulge in the taboo and enjoyed the hell out of it. Needless to say, my pussy was really wet when I woke up.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) we'll be moving all of our cams and computers to the new house, so they (the cams) will be down while I'm waiting for the cable guy. I hope the transition will be smooth and nearly-seamless for our members, but chances are there could be some hangups. I anticipate it will take a month to establish most of the cams in their perfect new locations and get new cables, mics and other equipment as the situation demands. The new computer won't come until next week so we may be short two or three cams in the meantime since we won't have the reach we have here; with one computer on one side of this house, and one on the other, we can stretch into pretty much every room. In the new house both of our computers will be in one corner of the house, with living and sleeping spaces in extreme other corners so we'll need to have more stations to cover it all.
I know that's totally boring information, but I hate it when some people don't understand that there are logistical issues to consider with the whole spycam setup. All I really want people to know is that it's more complicated than some people imagine and I'm sensitive, have performance anxiety and I *so* desire to do a good job that it just makes me very uptight when some people think I'm not doing all I can to give *the best* far-reaching coverage of our home. I become very insecure and overwhelmed during moving-stress because I'm essentially USELESS during the process and feel completely incompetent. Thanks for your patience. Tucker is taking care of it/me and I will be back to semi-normal soon.
Sometimes I wonder how much time other amateurs spend putting together galleries for their updates. I suspect that I waste more time than most doing very silly things that other people automate. For example, I relish picking out a font for my domain name that will fit the mood of the photos. Then I waste a bunch of time placing my domain name image onto an appropriate spot on the photo that won't cover anything up. I enjoy seeing the way the colors and the shadows and everything compliment each other. It's ridiculous how much time I spend on these little tasks. But I like it.
Another thing I wonder about is the interplay between vanity, porn standards, market demand, individual fetishes, reality, legacy-building and "art". I find myself sorting through hundreds of pictures of myself trying to pick through them and create an enjoyable gallery for members. It's HARD though. All of these conflicting demands vie for my attention. First of all, I myself have a short attention span so I don't really like looking at galleries of more than 25-30 pictures. I find it very repetitive and boring and wind up really not relishing a few really sexy images -- it's almost as though as soon as I see allllllllllllllll those pictures I find myself aware of the clock and that I need to hurry up and scroll through them. Perhaps this is just a function of my femininity though? Maybe guys don't think that way. Plus most people in the internet porn industry slap together huge galleries of 75 or more pictures. But then again, lots of those galleries are built around girls who are flawless looking. Frankly I wind up with a very mixed bag of content. I have a few really flattering images (a VERY few), a lot of pictures that cater to individual fetishes (hairy, freckles, natural tits, etc.) that a lot of people withOUT those fetishes don't really find appealing, and a lot of images that are artistically interesting but antierotic.
When I look at pictures like the one above I'm just not sure what to do with it. It certainly doesn't depict me at my aesthetic BEST (see the chin fat, the exhausted expression, etc.) but it's an appealing image. I think it would be more appealing to me if I were looking at a stranger though instead of myself. And then there's the problem of it being on a "porn" site. Well . . . I don't really think most of the stuff in my members area is "porn". Although I love the porn title and feel it's important to commit myself to challenging the stereotypes associated with the word (and the only way to do that is to call what I do "porn") . . . really a lot of what I love making most is stuff that you would find shoved into a library book and accidentally left there. Seriously, that's what I imagine most of the words and images on my site are really meant for . . . to be discovered with no explanation and no context. Just intimate photographs and jotted notes for someone to discover and wonder about, unable to decide if the women they're looking at are ugly or beautiful, average or exotic, rare or commonplace, passive or aggressive. Unable to do more than imagine what the circumstances were surrounding the taking of the pictures or their lives in general.
I'd love to make a site (or *something*) like that and have fantasized about it before . . . something the captures the trespass of finding something that wasn't meant for you but that you long to keep and wish you understood better. The kind of thing you want to stick under your mattress or save in a shoebox. The only hard part about doing a site like that is that with guest content I wouldn't be able to give credit back to the models without destroying the mystery of the whole thing. MMmm. . . or maybe not. Maybe there could be little "unveil the mystery" links. And of course I could always pursue photography more and then I wouldn't be under any obligation to give the models any credit at all. Sigh. One of a million unpursued ideas I have . . .
Speaking of doing more photography, I put an ad in the local paper for naughty people to pose for me. And I have fantasized about approaching young girls like an old rotten-toothed pervert. My sister and I were in McDonalds a few weeks ago and the girl behind the counter was fucking angelic. She was plump and had the sweetest face. So far I haven't seen any barely-legal chubby girl sites (although I'm sure they're out there) -- the teen sites always seem to focus on the skinny underdeveloped set. But seriously, the baby fat look is just as provocative and sexy, I think. Anyway, I wondered if there was a way I could give this girl my card without totally scaring the shit out of her and having the law on my ass.
Anyway, back to my competing demands when putting together content for my site; somehow I feel like honoring those competing demands in a very inconsistent way that is my "special purpose" or comprises the personal "legacy" I am supposed to be building with my life. Although I feel conflicted about it sometimes and hypercritical of it, I LIKE that what I do is a mixed bag of all kinds of stuff: the thoughtful and the careless, the priceless and the cheap, the mainstream and the marginalized, the captivating and the repulsive, the dirty and the sweet, the pretty and the unpleasant, the hard and the soft, the forced and the natural, blah blah blah.
I don't think that most people understand that when a girl has pictures made of herself . . . it's not porn, it's immortality. It's the fountain of youth. It's enduring proof that she's a sex object in hard copy just like a girl in a magazine or Jesus's words in a red letter edition of the bible.
DOWNSTAIRS It's really odd . . . houseboy is downstairs learning Premiere (Adobe video editing software) on the laptop while I'm upstairs working on galleries. We've exchanged a few emails this way (yes, we're in the same fucking house and we're emailing each other) and I find myself really enjoying it. I like being close but a little removed. Communicating without speaking.
Hahahaha! He just sent me an email telling me to quit slouching (he is checking on me on the spycams). Hehehe.