I tossed and turned for hours last night and eventually got really aroused so I woke Delia
up slowly by playing with her nipples, first over her shirt and then under her shirt. Then I rearranged her arm, spreading it out along my pillow so I could nestle against her and start sucking her tits, moving my hand down to play with her cock (which I eventually sucked too, but just a little because mostly I wanted to fuck her).
Almost every single doorknob in this house is busted or only half-works, including the one to our bedroom. With the windows open in the house all night to keep us cool in the warm weather, our bedroom door gets sucked open and slammed shut. Last night a phantom breeze opened so I let it stay that way even though my mom was asleep in our guestroom down the hall. I knew she wouldn't wake up, but still tried to be quiet. For once it was Delia instead of me who couldn't be quiet. Her boobs are SO sensitive.
Sometimes when I can't make noise during sex it sucks, and other times it allows me to focus even more on the sensations I'm feeling. Like last night when I came. Hard, clamping down. And then made Delia come inside me.
I still couldn't fall asleep so I sort of meditated on the feeling of stickiness where my ass cheeks meet my thighs and smelling my pussy and her semen all mixed together on my fingers. Eventually I turned on my booklight and looked at my fingertips shining from the moisture reflecting the blue light.
We had a really nice visit with my mom who drove all the way out here spontaneously to spend a couple of days with us. It worked out well without any other family here and with the weather nice enough to get out of the house. My mom needs to have activities and I guess so do I when we're together because otherwise all of the chatting winds up getting to me. We tired her out with a long walk and before that I took out an instructional stretch DVD, one that I've given her a copy of along with a yoga mat but that she never uses (I used to call her every day to ask her if she'd done it, but it didn't help her and just seemed to make her feel guilty). I worry about her lack of flexibility because she's getting older, but mostly because I know how much better *I* feel when I spend even a little bit of time stretching on a regular basis. I wanted her to see how easy it is just to do five minutes of it without going all crazy and still get something positive out of it.
Later we got on the subject of Bea Arthur dying and my mom started crying. My mom is now the same age as the characters were on The Golden Girls. She said it seems like it was just yesterday that show was on and now Dorothy and Sophia are dead. She said it made her realize how little time she might have left -- what a small window of opportunity she has. My hypersexed mom even admits that now she sometimes gets sick of her boyfriend wanting to have as much sex as he does.
I don't know if it was because of that in part or in whole, but last night my body felt powerful and I felt younger than I have in a long time. I felt supple and juicy and ripe and full of energy. I felt like my body was tall and everything was in line. My breasts felt big and ripe and heavy and swinging. I felt like an hourglass with the top and the bottom perfectly balanced. I actually felt graceful instead of unwieldy when I climbed on top of Delia. I felt potent and came fast without getting out of breath.
I was still awake later while they were asleep. I crept around the house. I made something to eat in the kitchen. I looked at the moon mostly hidden behind the clouds and a bright planet that must have been Jupiter sparkling to the east of it.
I'm like my mom in a million ways, but unlike her in a million others. Mainly I am just younger than she is. I guess it should be hard to see my mom struggling with her own life changes and not knowing where she's going -- it IS hard -- but I also can't help celebrating, first that she seems more focused on one important thing instead of a million trivial distractions from the one thing and second, celebrating myself and where I am and what I have and all that I still have to look forward to. That my mom has challenges, but she STILL has a lot of opportunity and a lot of growth and good health to enjoy and grapple with (and I have all of that to look forward to also -- but MORE of it). That she is better off than her mom is and was at her age. And that I'm so so SO much better off than either of them were when they were mine. Inside and outside and in every conceivable way. And that makes my life and my body and where and how I'm living them feel like a huge evolving miracle that I have a RESPONSIBILITY to celebrate partially on their behalf, fucking and walking and dancing.
Tonight and tomorrow we have webcam shows
and members-only chat scheduled
Labels: aging, body image, boobs, family, gender issues, nature, orgasm, priorities, SEX, spiritual issues, thanksgiving
Last week I was in a hurry to have an orgasm, so I went to *quickly* find a free amateur video of some stranger (ANY stranger) jerking himself off. This video, "A Tribute to Jodie"
, looked like a winner so I grabbed my eroscillator, shoved it under the waistband of my sweats, and pressed play.
The "tribute" part of the title gave me a good hint what I'd be watching: a guy at home with his webcam recording himself jacking off onto one of his favorite photos of a camgirl or pornstar. I've seen these things before and have always been fascinated by them.
LET ME REITERATE: I was not in the mood to be choosy about selecting the video; I wanted to get off as soon as possible with anything remotely visually stimulating and obscene. As long as it was a closeup of a guy jerking his cock, I didn't care. For a quick cum, homemade jerkoff videos are surefire winners for me because they're usually the right length: they get right down to business with no distractions. Even better, there's an extreme element of voyeurism for me especially
when the guy is using a toy (like tiny fake pussies
) or in some way sharing a method that is in some way humiliating/exposes more about him than just his cock. I love seeing a guy's private masturbation ritual. The tribute thing? If I were a guy I would try to keep that secret and would be *totally* embarrassed to admit, let alone SHOW MYSELF OFF, doing it. Because it seems so humiliating to me, I *love* watching it. The notion that some guy is so fucking crazed by his desire to get off that he will DO something so ridiculously contrived and teenage-insane makes me incredibly hot.
Having said that, the LAST thing I want is for someone to record such a tribute to me if
they're planning to inform me of it/beg me to watch it. Noooooooooo, please! NO! Don't ever do that! If you do, don't do it expecting me to masturbate to it or tell you that it made me hot. The best you can hope for is that I'll laugh and thank you for doing me the "honor". Being put into a situation where I will feel *obligated* to watch it and issue a polite response (or even worse, a big description of how it made me masturbate) would totally ruin the whole thing for me
. The whole point of masturbating is to DO IT ALONE, whenever you want to, without having to interact with someone. I do not want other people picking out my masturbation fodder for me because I will get all tense thinking the person expects me to drop everything and go wank. When I masturbate? I do not want to feel obligated to anyone or under pressure to perform or to flatter someone else (especially when they've done something as grotesque as defile my image by splattering it with their cum). I don't want someone watching me while I take my two fully-clothed minutes slouched in my site with my hands down my sweatpants. The last thing I want is someone emailing me over and over again, "have you watched my tribute to you yet? I can't wait for you to see it!"
, or, "oh darn! I missed it! Can you do it again so I can see? After all, I recorded that JUST FOR YOU and I want to see you cum to me while I cum on you! Thanks babes!"
The whole hot thing about watching videos like these is that they *are* kind of gross. I *don't* want to be there. I *don't* want a stranger's ejaculate on me. I *don't* want to synchronize our orgasms in real time. The whole point of watching porn, for me, is to NOT be involved with someone else. I can't lie -- there's definitely a freak show element to the whole thing, and I mean "freak" in the most normal
sense of the word; the solitary freak we all have/are when we're alone (and if you don't have that freak element to you? I totally cannot relate).
I know all of this sounds crazy given that I have been broadcasting spycams since 2002, so obviously? People DO watch me masturbate! The thing of it is (and always has been) that the reason I do a lot of what I do is because *I* am a voyeur at heart. I offer these things because they are what I seek, not so much because I am an exhibitionist (which of course I *am*, a little, but not to the extent that I'm a voyeur). I know I would like to catch someone at her desk, awkwardly masturbating and not acknowledging me at all. I do not want it to be sexy or a "show", I want it to be authentic and authenticity is often measured in my book by how ugly it is. The more unattractive it is, the better. As the masturbator? I expect the voyeurs not to try to engage me during this process. It's *private*. That's the whole *point*. It's not supposed to look like porn, it's supposed to be real
, and for it to be real, you cannot interrupt or inject yourself into the scene.
One of the things that continues to be a challenge for me as a webwhore is being able to share my turn-ons without making them sound like an invitation OR an insult. I'm a very solitary, private person in many ways, so I sometimes get overwhelmed trying to preserve alone-time; I wind up going too far in my attempts to maintain distance, to the point where it backfires on me and sometimes hurts people's feelings. How do I explain that I love watching guys jacking off on ink-rippled homemade print-outs of naked chicks or faces with their mouths open, but that when I masturbate to this I don't want to turn it into an interactive event? How do I then qualify that to say, "UNLESS you're paying me to interact with you while you do that, in which case it's totally hot!" (which is true; if you pay for my time, providing I have ample amounts of it free, then I *prefer* doing shows where I get to watch someone else masturbate; I just don't want to do that when I have a sudden 2-5 minutes when I desperately need to bust my own private girl nut).
I drafted the above entry almost a year ago and never finished/posted it. Like a lot of public posts about "what makes me horny", I feel compelled to ruin the hotness by outlining boundaries to preserve what's left of my . . . personal space, I guess you'd call it.
The weird thing is that not long after I wrote this my feeling about it changed. I became very interested in the concept of guys jerking off on my pictures and wasn't sure I wanted to send a message totally discouraging it. It's something I would like to see without them knowing I'm seeing/hearing it. I do not want to be under pressure to respond to it, but in certain situations I think I'd enjoy that, perhaps if the jerker paid for a phone call for me to (gently but pointedly) humiliate him for doing it. Or INSTRUCTED him to do it again. Maybe on the same picture. Because if I were going to TELL someone to jerk off on my picture(s), I'd make sure he knew he's not allowed to throw any of these photos away. Instead he'd have to keep every single one, including pictures of other women (with a few men thrown in for good measure). And maybe if his printer ran out of ink he'd have to reuse an already-jerked-on print-out.
This idea became so exciting to me, I began to think I'd like to collect videos of people jerking off on our pictures to post in the members-only area TrixiesHouseboy
. Or sending us pictures of themselves (a la Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in Happiness
) in front of a whole wall of damp printouts glued up with cum.
Part of me is telling myself you don't REALLY want to see that, Trixie. You really don't.
And another part is quite certain she does.
Labels: arousal, customer relations, orgasm, porn consumers, PORNOGRAPHY, TURN ONS, TURN-OFFS, voyeurism, wankers, web culture, webwhore insights
You notice certain physical changes when your hormone balance shifts. Like I knew my boobs would get bigger & more sensitive getting back on the pill and all the other stuff I'm taking/doing
I'm noticing physical changes this time around in my cunt. Aside from the usual increased lubrication extra estrogen gives you, it *looks* really puffy and fat and smooth and pink. I hesitate to say this, but it looks younger.
The really awesome part is I think it's making my g-spot and perineum spongier, more sensitive and erotically charged. During my shows today and yesterday my orgasms were really thick, rocking cunt-focused things instead of little pointy tip-of-the-clit climaxes. I love all kinds of orgasms, but it's always thrilling to experience a variety of them or notice a recognizable shift in sensation.
One of the downsides is the visible part of my clit is shrinking. I was really disappointed to look down last week and notice how much smaller it is than a month ago in spite of having so much less hair. I really like it when it sticks out more and am intrigued, shall we say, by women who have large knuckle-like clits.Delia
's therapist isn't a fan of hormonal birth control and the way it can flatline some women's sex drives, but the benefits of having more chick hormones is such a huge relief to me on so many levels I can only look at the bright sides and wonder how many of them there are. Like, has anyone done any research into the hormone balances of women who squirt versus those of us who don't or rarely do? I wouldn't be surprised to find out that squirters are more estrogen dominant.
Labels: arousal, bodily functions, body parts, boobs, health, hormones, masturbation, orgasm
Late last night we fucked while I fondled my new toys: Delia's growing boobs
. I dare you to not be jealous of me for getting to play with emerging, swollen boobies while getting fucked by your girlfriend's she-cock. Some people might call it convenient. I call it "barely legal". And myself? I call myself "lucky" because right now she's making us a Christmas meatloaf. Food and fucking -- what more could you ask for on Christmas? Simultaneous orgasms? Well we had those, too.
I love taking pictures of this bird feeder in our backyard at different times of day/year (no, we don't put bird food in it; it's a relic left behind by past owners):
Happy holidays to everybody -- here's to celebrating in as many safe, happy, and (mostly) healthy ways as possible with big loads of hot gravy on top!
Labels: arousal, boobs, food, my trans partner, nature, orgasm, Pacific Northwest, PHOTOS, plants, SEX, snow, thanksgiving
RASPBERRY LIP GLOSS
Just awoke from a dream in which I was a man with a very large rod masturbating in my very posh living room, trying to hide it from my wife behind a magazine. Orgasm number one shot a gluey fountain above the magazine. Orgasm number two? Turns out my wife is Beyonce; I fucked her asshole. It looked like she applied raspberry lip gloss to it.Herein lies the benefit of getting just a little too much sleep.
Labels: dreams, fantasies, orgasm