My name is Trixie (aka TastyTrixie). The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more.
I remember working swing shift as one of the very best times in my life. I'd get off work between midnight and two in the morning and drive home in the dark experiencing the magic of RIGHTNESS, of everything having fallen into place and a lifelong problem being solved. That schedule didn't make everything perfect, of course, but it was a magical gift that explained part of my life and who I am to me and let me know that things CAN fall into place. It's one thing to complain vociferously about not being a morning person and another thing to be lucky enough to NOT HAVE TO BE. To experience yourself operating at maximum efficiency and enjoy your favorite parts of the day and night, skipping the parts that have never worked for you. To function so much better that you've got PROOF that this "night person" thing is real.
I'm at a point in my life where I need a new swing shift. My gears have been out of sync for years now and I keep looking for some little twinkly adjustment I can make that will fix things. I've given myself a bunch of tuneups and they've been eye-opening and helpful, but I'm desperate to feel something like the smooth, peaceful rightness of driving home on a nearly-empty freeway with the windows rolled down in the summer, smelling everything asleep and reveling in being awake, ready to go home and make a simple dinner for myself. The answer isn't making myself work from four to midnight now, either - I don't live alone anymore and I don't want to; I want to go to bed WITH Delia (not a night person, so we compromise). I feel like I've tried everything and suspect the answer is that I need more time to be completely alone with myself, without the sounds of anybody else, without being seen or heard by anyone watching . . . just totally removed from everybody's sounds and presence.
Last week I allowed myself the luxury of staying up all night long playing with TrixieRadio - listening to music, downloading new stuff and uploading it to the station . . . amusing myself and accomplishing something that has no monetary pay-off in the near future and is absolutely NOT what I should be spending huge blocks of time doing. But I miss listening to music. REALLY MISS IT. I am not someone who can work AND listen to music with words, so it's not an option for me to multitask. Besides, I don't want to. I want to do nothing but listen. NOTHING BUT. So I did, all night long, and organized my .mp3's and made lists of cd's I still need to rip and read about music and made a blog entry begging for money to justify doing it more. Being up all night doing that made me feel a little more like myself. And I finally bought an adaptor that provides phantom power for my months-old new microphone so I can personalize things more and potentially make more sales through the "radio" thing and podcasting. If I can figure out the perfect settings for recording with this microphone (one of those detail-oriented time-sucking tasks that annoys the shit out of me that I usually invest a couple of hours in then decide it's not worth it / I should wait for a better time to do it / I have more important things to do).
I've been retreating a lot more into our guest room, off cam and alone, which has been helpful but maybe I'm still not committed enough to it to really reap the benefits of it. I feel guilty about it and still can't get enough. I haven't figured out how to integrate my need for solitude with work and my relationship with Delia. She's really tolerant and understanding of my limitations in this area so it's me that needs to work out the kinks alone along with continuing to figure out how to succeed at being my own boss. You'd think after seven years I'd be an expert, but I'm still an amateur (both at working for myself and being in a relationship). A lot of things have changed for the better in the past year but I'm still struggling to find daily "rightness". I get glimmers of it, but very inconsistently; for everything I resolve to do better, something else falls by the wayside. It's like there's a never-ending rotation of things I do well and things I fuck up -- every day, every week, every month, every quarter, every year the same fucking challenges just trade places with each other. I make progress but only temporarily before regressing. I feel like I haven't CONQUERED anything in years and I'm pretty fucking sick of it. I try to be patient with myself, recognizing I've had some really fucked-up health problems and am still fine-tuning "curing" myself. Recognizing the economy sucks so it's not entirely my fault that we're on this debt merry-go-round.
The shitty thing is that having a positive attitude means feeling empowered and taking responsibility to fix stuff -- believing it's POSSIBLE to make things better; I'm just really really REALLY tired of the burden. Sometimes I just wish I could drive home and let my boss figure it out in the morning and tell me what to do when I go to work and know that it's not my fault if that was the wrong thing. Part of me loves how I've complicated my life and that I *don't* have a boss, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST sometimes I miss having things be simple. I miss having someone else to blame. I miss not really caring about my job. That used to make me feel trapped, having to go to work for a certain number of hours and not doing anything even remotely creative. Now? I feel trapped because I *do* care about my job(s). Because it's rare that I get to establish a rhythm doing something simple for 6-8 hours. I can't quit because I love my work, but I have no idea when (if ever) I'll be able to do my job BETTER and not just feel like I'm running on a treadmill. A treadmill that lurches and changes speeds unpredictably and is just like . . . possessed with multiple personalities. There's no water-cooler where I can stand around bitching about my boss and how if I ran things I'd do them differently/better. I mean, I can do that, but it's not really good for my self-esteem. I am my own worst boss/enemy and I'm so. TIRED of it.
I keep slogging along, promising myself that if we just get rid of our debt we'll be able to AFFORD to establish some rhythms and magic swing shifts but right now we seriously do not have the money to do anything efficiently. Not shooting, not marketing, not exercising . . . not even fucking GROCERY shopping. Every day is a schizo fucking mess and I'm just so sleeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Not as bad as I was before, but still . . . some days are pretty bad while I'm fine tuning different birth control pills, supplements, figuring out just how much fucking with my blood sugar I can get away with, etc.
Fuck it. I am going to order a pizza.
Sorry for the downer of a post. Things are good, I just needed to whine a little bit.
When I told Delia I wanted to take some pictures at night while the frothy white things were still in bloom, she explained to me that "those "blooming frothy things" are called oceanspray (Holodiscus discolor)". I adore it when she gives me the Latin names for plants. She went on to tell me, "they're a native shrub noted for their exceptionally hard wood. ;-) The local tribes used them for spearing fish and such."
It was windy when we took the pictures so the blossoms are white blurs in many of the photos, but here is a small taste of what we were aiming for:
I love the way my white panties are gleaming!
FYI: the light source is an overhead street light. We have a lot to learn and practice with night photography but I really enjoy making the attempts. We would go back and try again, but the flowers are all getting dry and brown; we really shot this set of pics on nearly the last possible night to get the white froth. There's always next year, though.
If you want a peek at something that encapsulates a lot of what's magical to me about black and white, nighttime, small towns, intimacy, and taboo, here's one of my favorite things from one of the most beautiful movies ever, To Kill a Mockingbird:
As if the opening credits weren't enough gorgeousness, so much of the movie takes place at night. It's spooky and vulnerable and wondrous. That feeling of trees with treasures holes and dark houses with Boo Radleys and curious little people wandering around at night when they shouldn't, finding out sad, scary grown-up things . . . that is a feeling I love and something I would someday like for us to be good at capturing (but without the children, of course). It's why my Keds and panties and my limbs lit up are so captivating to me in these pictures. Why I love the debris on the path. I love the nighttime. I love woodsy places in drowsy neighborhoods. I love being outside and awake when everyone else is asleep. Or *trying* to fall asleep. Or getting fucked really loudly, which is what we heard one lady doing while we were shooting -- it was HOT BEYOND BELIEF!
I'll be posting the full set of pictures for members today. If you'd like to see them (and support us in our erotic endeavors as we learn more about low light and night photography) but you're not a member yet, you can JOIN HERE.
As usual I have lots of thoughts and news swirling around in my head, waiting to be blogged about but without adequate focused time to do it. Thanks for staying interested and continuing to check in with me during my dry spells.
I couldn't resist. I bought yet another new domain for a site I don't currently have time to develop properly. Well, actually, I bought TWO new domains. Believe me, limiting it to two took a great amount of self-control, especially when I saw that my business Visa's credit line was recently upped by $1k.
"LOMO"s are Russian cameras with a cultish following of hobbyists and collectors. A long time ago I read a great article in Details about them and was intrigued by their utility in low-light conditions and the oogy otherworldly images they produce. Now that you can buy all different kinds of new (now Austrian-produced) LOMO cameras it's a very accessible and inexpensive hobby with a built-in fan base, and you know how much I want to indulge my night photographycravings so this could be a practical and inexpensive way to justify doing that for both business and pleasure.
I'd also like to add a site to our little network that's not totally dependent upon our own images and personalities; LOMOporn totally fits that bill while also blurring the lines between porn and art. On top of that, I'd love to shoot stuff with film using a real MACHINE without all this digital stuff. Lomography is a really inexpensive way to go about that.
Anyway, if any of this sounds exciting to you and you want to contribute, you could gift me a LOMO or shoot your own LOMO porn and submit it to the site. I haven't figured out how much I will pay for submissions, but it probably won't be a whole lot and of course you will need to sign a release so I can use them; I don't think I'll ask for exclusivity though, which means the photos will still be YOURS to use wherever you want in addition to appearing on the site; if they involve penetration shots you'd also have to provide proof that the person or people in the picture(s) are 18 or over and each of them would have to sign a release, too; I might actually pay by the photo rather than sets (with a minimum payment to at least cover the cost of film & development), and of course people whose photos are accepted would be comped memberships to all of our sites.
If you are juiced up about this idea and want to donate a camera, I'd love it to pieces if you sent it here:
Trixie Fontaine 1240 W. Sims Way #7 P0rt T0wnsend, WA 98368
If you don't want to bother shopping around I'm adding a few to my wishlist for ease of purchase/mailing.
Oh, and the other domain I bought today? BORGPORN.COM which is a MUCH less practical site to develop. But someday? MMmmmmmm . . .
We half-planned to do a nudie shoot in the moonlight last night, but scrapped that in favor of cuddling and going to sleep much earlier than we would have if we'd have trekked somewhere to shoot. Also, I wanted to have as much energy as possible for my planned-at-the-last-minute trip to Seattle today to help celebrate my sister's birthday. Delia's not coming with me since Cedar and I are going to spend the majority of our day at a spa. Not just any spa, either; I intend to use all of their hot rooms and hot pools to the full extent of their heat-giving capacities before I get pregnant since I won't be allowed to steam or sauna or hot-tub it once I'm "with child" (or rapidly dividing cells or whatever).
Anyway, I think I'm going to try to set aside as many days surrounding the full moon next month as possible for shooting, and try not to have any distractions heaped up on those days. Even with it being July, the wind can be biting here in the middle of the night so if we ARE going to get some nude or partially nude moonlight sets, we only have a couple of months to do it without it being too cold to be fun. Also, we don't really know what we're doing in terms of taking the pictures and having them actually turn out, so I can't really count on being able to use any of the pictures anyway.
I'll be back home either tonight (late) or (probably) tomorrow. Must get as much squishy nephew cuddling as possible. Maybe being around the cutest one-year-old in the whole wide world will boost my fertility.