My name is Trixie (aka TastyTrixie). The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more.
Every chance I got to go to the library and request that they set my friend and I up to listen to this, I WOULD. I remember it as an audio tape with a little paperback book hung in one of those baggies with plastic handles they had for mixed media, but now that my memory is jogged by this youtube video I wonder if it wasn't a filmstrip because everything about this seems so familiar, but it's probably just the narration and images, not the motion:
Anyway, I loved it. Couldn't get enough of it and listened to it OVER and OVER again. I've always loved stories that take place at night, were dark, involved sleeping, criminals, loners, outsiders . . . dark escapism that's sweetly menacing. It's weird to look back on it now and see more adult elements in it and to read this New York Times review of the book and the author and the challenge of creating both art for children and erotica for adults. I'm glad I was exposed to The Three Robbers in the seventies in public school because I'll bet that book would never see the light of day without a public lynching of the guy if it were to come out today. Nowadays you must either be 100% child-and-work-safe or resign yourself to being considered a 100% evil boundary-rapist. Take your pick. The only way people can fly under the radar is to be unsuccessful or too artistic for the general population to acknowledge you, and I'm sure this reissue of his out-of-print books is one of those things that will only be noticed by existing fans like myself.
I wish I had a magical blunderbuss to blow that bullshit right out of people's assheads. But for now I'm going to add The Three Robbers to my wishlist so I can read it to my nephew(s -- another's on the way). WITH SOUND EFFECTS!
I'm a latecomer to Star Trek; even though the original series did make an impression on me as a little kid, it was of alien go-go boot sexiness and little else. It was only after Delia and I watched Trekkies that I got drawn in and we watched all of Next Generation from beginning to end. Gene and Majel Roddenberry's work and values have come to mean a lot to me; I'm thankful and inspired by the positive and progressive ways Star Trek depicts gender, sexuality, aging and ethics.
Whenever I see Majel on tv, a burst of love, appreciation and adoration swells up inside of me and I SCREAM it to her.
Her characters are inspirations to me and the work she and Gene Roddenberry did together and legacy they've left behind are models of working relationships, vision, humanitarianism and hope that make me feel richer, happier, and better about myself and other people.
Last night we stayed up way too late, but it was worth it to catch up a little on something we haven't had enough of lately: SEX. Watching/listening to Daniel Lanois (see below) put me into a magic place, and reaching over to feel Delia's semi-hard cock made fucking her totally irresistible. I alternated between stroking her cock and feeling her swollen, growing boobs before I got on her and came two times to her one. The whole thing was super-intense, partly because it's been a couple of weeks but mostly just because it IS.
It's super windy here today with a projected snow storm rolling in; I think we lost power last night so most of our cams went (and stayed) down until we got up. Don't be surprised if it happens some more over the next week. I *hope* it won't interfere with the shows and chat we have scheduled this weekend, but if it does? You'll know weather is the reason.
Enjoy the full moon tonight, if you can. It will probably be clouded over here.
I'm going to make myself keep exercising because it's paying off after a week of being consistent; I feel a lot better already. I did fall off the wagon yesterday and tried to tell myself getting a massage was AS GOOD as getting exercise, but sex and backrubs really aren't all that aerobic so if I want to keep feeling good, I need to do some physical work tonight.
I have galleries to post for members, but honestly I don't like them enough to post them right now so I'll put something else up and we'll shoot something better.
After having family stay with us for a few days, I usually feel like I need a day off to myself to recover from the energy kicked up from so many people around me. During this visit, however, I kept retreating to WebWhore Headquarters (that's what I call my home office) for a couple hours here and there, allowing myself to WORK to relax.
Instead of picking work that I really *need* to do that's high priority for making money, I allowed myself to work on low-priority stuff that's fun and not complex or stressful (except for feeling guilty for not doing more important things) and requires no interaction with other people. Stuff that's compact, like blogging and posting one-pagers on domains I've had for a long time that have been sitting, completely BLANK. My thought is that anything I accomplish is a bonus since I should be taking time off from work while family is here for our late-Thanksgiving so I should do something totally relaxing instead of tangling with bigger projects.
Here are some of the one-pagers I've made over the past week or two:
It's soothing to play with fonts and colors and inspiring to remind myself of concepts and ideas that interest me. Only a couple of those were frivolous, actually, with no immediate application, but I still feel conflicted all the time and defensive about the choices I make with my time. Like if I enjoy it and other people might not understand where it fits in the puzzle, then I should feel badly about it. There are a lot of things I'm choosing to NOT do, and I constantly imagine a crowd of people criticizing my choices, saying "what, she's not doing X so she can do Y and Z?? THAT is stupid! She hasn't earned the right to waste time doing that -- I want X! I want X! Y and Z are useless! She would be so much better off doing X; a bigger commitment to doing X would solve all of her problems, can't she see that?"
One of my goals is to stop worrying so much about the critics, both external critics and my own internal asshole voices who can ALWAYS find some way to make me feel like I'm not doing good enough. I need to focus on what I'm doing right (and right NOW), not what I'm doing wrong (or not doing at the moment). Unfortunately I'm often painfully aware that every choice I make to do one thing means not doing ten billion others. It's depressing and I have to knock that shit off. Being on Ritalin does help a lot because I can sit down and focus on something without intrusive thoughts and ideas continually popping into my head of all the other things I can/should be doing which then make me totally anxious, overwhelmed, afraid to proceed with the task at hand, and hopeless because of my limitations and lack of giant progress.
I know a lot of people struggle with similar feelings, so I share this for a couple reasons: because I know other people can relate and it always feels good to know you're not the only one with these kinds of challenges, and because it helps ME to type out my fears and remind myself I don't want to carry them around. I want to be happy with what I *can* do and what I *want* to do right now at this moment. I want to look at what I've done and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride, not guilt and maudlin hyper-criticism.
Anyway, the family is gone now, our spycams are back up, and Delia's warming up some of her delicious turkey & stuffing leftovers. Life is good.
I'm glad there's still no clear winner from yesterday's pick-me-a-blog-topic post because I don't have enough time to blog or masturbate or do anything enjoyable except snatch some tv while we're eating as therapy to recover from the stress of . . . not having enough time/having time sucked up by STUPID stuff. Uncreative, unsexy, uninspiring, frustrating, lame-ass, stupid stuff.
Specifically? Too many hours spent over three (not consecutive, phew!) days replacing our router. Summing it up in one sentence like that hardly seems fair to me and only makes ME look stupid. Like only a dumb fuck could lose days of work on what sounds like such a simple little task. But it wasn't simple (and even when it was, it was still excruciatingly time and money-consuming) and was connected to many other things. Being a camgirl/pornographer? So not fucking glamorous most of the time. And it's not just me: pretty much all of my fellow camgirl/pornographer friends are constantly battling the same obnoxious tech shit that interrupts the fun parts of our jobs and makes us all want to just go bathe in gravy-covered carbs. Tech problems are the ultimate turn-off.
Sometimes when my eyeballs feel like they're about to pop out of my head from the force of my frustration and I start hyperventilating and looking around for things to throw out the window (or AT the window while it's still closed so they'll both make satisfyingly loud shattering sounds), I try to calm down by asking myself, "what would I do if I were an Officer on the Starship Enterprise? I certainly wouldn't behave like this, even if WebWhore Headquarters were about to blow up in forty-five seconds!" Patience! Faith in one's own problem-solving abilities! Barely a sense of urgency: just a confident, one-step-at-a-time pursuit of a solution with nary a raise in my heart rate.
So far this technique hasn't worked for me. But maybe someday it will; it's dorky enough that it might do the trick when nothing else can. Or maybe I just shouldn't skip my Ritalin.
Tomorrow night we're going to *try* to trek to Ron's to do some shooting for IMakePorno. Hopefully I'll have gotten most of my "asshole" out of my system today, part of my tax return done (I *have* to get that done, like, yesterday), my hair colored (it's the color of faded, sun-dried feces from a malnourished cat right now) and have time to pack and plan before we get there.
I am a Starfleet Officer, though. I can do anything.
Actually, I'm like an unholy (and super-irritating) union between Barclay, O'Brien (cranky DS9, O'B) and Quark. Sprinkled with the annoyingly pompous, bossy, hypercritical, controlling, buttinsky loudness of Kira and Riker.
Yes, you *should* feel sorry for my friends and family.
When I told Delia I wanted to take some pictures at night while the frothy white things were still in bloom, she explained to me that "those "blooming frothy things" are called oceanspray (Holodiscus discolor)". I adore it when she gives me the Latin names for plants. She went on to tell me, "they're a native shrub noted for their exceptionally hard wood. ;-) The local tribes used them for spearing fish and such."
It was windy when we took the pictures so the blossoms are white blurs in many of the photos, but here is a small taste of what we were aiming for:
I love the way my white panties are gleaming!
FYI: the light source is an overhead street light. We have a lot to learn and practice with night photography but I really enjoy making the attempts. We would go back and try again, but the flowers are all getting dry and brown; we really shot this set of pics on nearly the last possible night to get the white froth. There's always next year, though.
If you want a peek at something that encapsulates a lot of what's magical to me about black and white, nighttime, small towns, intimacy, and taboo, here's one of my favorite things from one of the most beautiful movies ever, To Kill a Mockingbird:
As if the opening credits weren't enough gorgeousness, so much of the movie takes place at night. It's spooky and vulnerable and wondrous. That feeling of trees with treasures holes and dark houses with Boo Radleys and curious little people wandering around at night when they shouldn't, finding out sad, scary grown-up things . . . that is a feeling I love and something I would someday like for us to be good at capturing (but without the children, of course). It's why my Keds and panties and my limbs lit up are so captivating to me in these pictures. Why I love the debris on the path. I love the nighttime. I love woodsy places in drowsy neighborhoods. I love being outside and awake when everyone else is asleep. Or *trying* to fall asleep. Or getting fucked really loudly, which is what we heard one lady doing while we were shooting -- it was HOT BEYOND BELIEF!
I'll be posting the full set of pictures for members today. If you'd like to see them (and support us in our erotic endeavors as we learn more about low light and night photography) but you're not a member yet, you can JOIN HERE.
As usual I have lots of thoughts and news swirling around in my head, waiting to be blogged about but without adequate focused time to do it. Thanks for staying interested and continuing to check in with me during my dry spells.
Rather than go another day without blogging, I'll share something SUPER COOL that I ran across today: the World Sunlight Map.
It's so incredibly beautiful to me, this refreshable ilustration of Earth with her cloud cover and shadow over the places where it's dark. It's deeply appealing to the voyeur in me, gazing at places where I know we have friends and fans, imagining myself hovering so far away and somehow imagining I can zoom down and know something close about them because I can see whether they are in light or night. I think it's the shadowy parts that make it feel like there's some entity out there, even if that entity is just space, potential and a different perspective, and that I'm part of it. It turns the whole concept of "He's Got the Whole World (in His Hands)" inside out so I feel like we're offered a vantage point of holding the whole thing in our OWN hands, tiny and precious. So vulnerable to and dependent on light and dark. We're all in there; it's wacky and thrilling.
It's like doing a God role play with omniscience being the ultimate form of voyeurism. As such, I added the World Sunlight Map to a new page for our spycam fans that also includes webcam shots of roads, bridges and ferries that we travel and links to our town's webcams. I'm guessing a few people will enjoy them even if none of these features are explicitly pornographic. They're all things *I* enjoy VERY much that give me a strangely different vantage point on my own life and position. My perception of NOW is different looking at that dark wave blanketing my country. It makes me appreciate how temporary the night is, and how I should make full use of it and the daylight because they pass so quickly. You can see each one as it approaches. It's a slowly moving picture of the passage of time and each of us invisibly under it.
Attending our county convention yesterday as an Obama delegate counted as my social event for 2008; so what if I only struck up conversations with three people? That's more action than this hermit usually sees.
Because socializing both bores and overwhelms me, I love getting my social time doing things with an agenda where there are rules guiding behavior and people in charge of reinforcing those rules. Parliamentary procedure definitely fills that need, and the lady I complained about here did an awesome job of keeping people in line, pushing them closer to the microphones, speaking coherently and just being generally awesome. She only used one acronym demanding clarification from an audience member which she explained without apology; you've no idea how much I admire that in a woman. While the acronym thing bugs me, I love her unapologetic down-to-business attitude.
It was both a relief and a disappointment discovering that the next caucus happens at the same time we'll be attending the transgender conference where we're on a panel so I couldn't even try to get elected to move on; you wouldn't believe how many people couldn't grasp the concept of a thirty second speech, couldn't keep their name tags swiveled around so people could see their names, and didn't even understand why the timekeeper was waving her arms at them after they'd been droning on in a disorganized fashion for upwards of 90 seconds!
Anyway, it was fun being surrounded by liberal people getting a charge out of showing off their familiarity with Robert's Rules of Order. I loved every minute of it, including the annoying parts/people. The Kucinich fanatics even made wonderful hyper-idealistic points and invited us to join in their futile, counterproductive bid to send as many "undecided" delegates on as possible. It was inspiring, it really was; in addition to preferring structured social events, I also like people-time that has an inspirational and/or change-making purpose, so I loved being in a crowd of people who are all excited about the positive changes our next president can bring and empowered to be part of that.
I wound up bonding with a lady who of course asked me what I do for a living. As usual, I first responded with the deliberately vague "webmaster". With her lovely shining smile she probed deeper, asking, "so what does that mean exactly?"
I liked her and felt like she was a relaxed person, so I told her; "I make porn sites."
Her smile stayed on, bright white and wide and her eyebrows perked up naughtily while she asked me to repeat myself. I laughed and teased her, "you heard me: PORN!"
She loved it, responded with fascinating disclosures about herself, and thanked me for making her day.
Are you surprised that this is a huge turn-on to me?
Seriously -- it makes me HOT. Those of you who know me well can tell I'm being honest because any guy who sounds sort of like Chewbacca is going to get me hot (I never had an eye for Luke Skywalker; it was *all* about Chewie and Han Solo . . . well, and Princess Leia, but anyway); I also dig their disparate heights. I *might* have been even more receptive to it after first enjoying a couple of other la Pequeña Amy Winehouse videos to get me in the mood. They are perfect -- BRILLIANT! Here's one of them:
I wish my porn was that awesome. This goes in the "inspiration" folder.
Now? I pass on the love to five of my favorite chick bloggers:
GODDESS GLORY I've been dying to have a free week to focus solely on writing an ode to Goddess Glory and all of the reasons I admire and cherish her. Without taking a week to do so right now, I'll just introduce her by saying that she's an unshaven, ball-busting, enema-loving, awe-inspiring, mesmerizing, W-O-M-A-N. She's also one of those rare and splendid people with a complex and highly-developed sense of self-defined VALUES that she applies to everything she does. The Almighty Glorious Glory is an earnest philosophizer, and a head-spinning dual-character of humility and divinity, lover and fighter.
ADORABLE AUDREY What makes Audrey a Rockin' Girl Blogger? Is it her frequent postings of alluring girl-next-door photographs? Is it her readability? Is it her sincerity? Of course it's all of those things, but for me, personally, it's her consummate professionalism. I'm a sucker for an extraordinary work ethic, and Audrey's is truly top-notch. I hate to mention it since "great work ethic" probably sounds boring to most people, but to me it's not just a laudable characteristic -- it's fucking HOT. Audrey is the kind of person who does ten times as much and does it all ten times better than 99% of the webgirls I know, all while maintaining a relaxed and alluring demeanor. Aside from "spectacular work ethic" being super-sexy to me personally, it's super-sexy from a porn consumer's standpoint because she delivers way more to her customers than they could ever afford to pay for. PRICELESS, she is.
EX-MILLENNIAL GIRL Stefanie is a GIFT. She writes with ease, humour, honesty, humility and acuity about herself, addiction and stripping. She's got talent and her own voice, and if you haven't been reading her you should fucking start from the beginning and catch the fuck up BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN/ARE MISSING OUT. She has the skill to tell her story so that it's accessible to anyone; you don't have to be a girl or an addict or a stripper or a customer to get it. You also don't have to worry about getting totally depressed; while a lot of the subject matter IS depressing, she's got a subtle positivity vibe that keeps you on an even keel emotionally without being Pollyanna-ish.
KRIS MADISON Most of you who know me well are probably also acquainted with Kris so I hope I don't have to expand on her many readily-apparent appealing qualities. Instead, I'd like to share something about her you might NOT know about: she knows a lot about a lot of stuff. Again, this probably sounds like a cop-out of a compliment to some people, but it's one of those qualities *I* am attracted to and that might be missed simply because she doesn't advertise it on her blog (which is part of what makes her blog readable; it's focused and coherent). Kris is the kind of person who loves to research and quietly infiltrate subcultures and niche areas of industry and expertise. She holds stuff in her head and applies it to her many (secret ninja) projects; you cannot have a conversation with this woman without her stealthily revealing yet another cache of knowledge on something intriguing you've never heard about before. In terms of her blog, I appreciate its readability even more because if *I* knew as much as Kris does, it would not be possible for me to present an organized thought. I would just say things like, "I deplete ATM manna pool now cheeseburger hack this ebook ROI point shoot traffic hymen matrix. Eh?"
SESKA Here's what I love about Seska's blog: ZERO PRETENSION. With all of the people and stuff Seska knows, the projects she's involved in and the respect she has earned inside (and outside) the adult industry, her blog never reads like it's full of insider-information that only the "cool" people will understand, and for that reason it feels very intimate and personal, like private notes she's writing just to you and herself. She never just *assumes* you have knowledge about the industry or sex or women or her hobbies or books or television or anything; she always gently guides you into her world by describing and defining each term, event and niche-reference she uses. A major pet peeve of mine are bloggers whose writing is so rife with obscure references, acronyms, geek-speak, etc. that they only can be understood by a very small portion of the population 10% of the time; I find that so aggravating that people like Seska and Kris stand out for taking the time to make their blogs readable. And as far as the zero pretension thing goes, as a person and web personality part of why she's outstanding is she extends respect to all of her readers and to people in general; her blogging and interactions with other people do not rely upon witty criticisms or laughing at other people. Seska is always refreshingly kind and that is pretty fucking unique and inspiring in the world of blogs and men.
I admit that I awarded these gals with "Rockin' Girl Blogger" awards based less on their blogs and more on everything I know about them. I also have to admit that this took me FOREVER to write: over three hours, in fact. Let this be another lesson to non-bloggers about the kind of stuff it takes for Rockin' Girl Bloggers to do what we do -- IT TAKES TIME. Maybe I'm just a dumbass and it takes forever and a day for me to write stuff that would take a normal person ten minutes to write, but my guess is that the majority of people who don't write have NO idea the amount of time and energy put into it. Allow me to take this opportunity to thank Angela of ZenFetish for honoring me by taking that time to give me such very warm fuzzies.
Last night we watched Cruel and Unusual, a documentary profiling transgender women in American prisons.
If you want to see a movie about real people performing heroic acts, see it.
I usually feel like we're lucky enough to live in a time and place where a single person cannot lead a major rebellion or do something even remotely revolutionary. In my lifetime and country the only things described as "revolutionary" have been new tech products like the personal computer; that type of revolution is meaningless to the lower class in terms of positive change since it mostly serves to widen the gap between the haves and the majority of have-nots.
What a couple of these women did while they were incarcerated was to shed actual BLOOD to effect personal change and governmental/institutional/legal change benefiting other trans women, and, I think, genetic women too. When the prisons refused to CONTINUE hormone therapy when they jailed these people who'd already been on hormones and refused to even acknowledge there were adverse *medical* implications to their obstinance, what did these prisoners do? THEY CUT OFF THEIR DICKS AND/OR BALLS.
And laws changed.
I'd love to wax appreciative and thoughtful on these issues longer, but I'm going to leave it at that for now.