My name is Trixie (aka TastyTrixie). The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more.
I must've had my head up my ass when I worried that reserving a cabin for three nights was too LONG for a porn-shooting trip without running water or electricity or phones or internet of any kind. More like NOT LONG ENOUGH.
Being in the woods on the Olympic Peninsula, the proper WET woods southwest of us (unlike what we have here in the dry rainshadow), always feels like heaven to me. I'm not exaggerating: HEAVEN. Like what it would/should look and feel like if there were to be that kind of a fantasy afterlife (except I wouldn't have to be scared of having my scalp ripped off by a cougar in heaven, but I digress).
Anyway, it was great. FANTASTIC, the level of peace and tranquility I felt there. The lack of pressure and the way everything worked out just right. The way we had so much beautiful SPACE to sprawl out and shoot in with very little chance of intrusion. The way the weather couldn't have been more perfect. The way we walked for miles.
And when we got home? I pretty much instantly fell apart into a nervous wreck.
It's not that I think running off and living a "simple" life is the Answer to All My Problems or something I want on a daily basis (I don't), but experiencing it for a few days did highlight some of the things that I desperately need to fix in real life (like not having so MANY options and obligations every second of every day).
It's a small fix, but we're going to get rid of DirecTV completely and of course just keep plugging away on the usual stuff with a better reminder of what we could have if we got ahead, just a little bit: the freedom to fall behind and drop out more often . . . AND make better porn because of it. It's amazing how doing so much of my job every fucking day gets in the way of DOING MY JOB RIGHT.
Also, I have serious problems being distracted by every day life and PEOPLE and the noises they make and our computers and all of our shit, though, so coming home was like putting my head in a blender after all of that peace and quiet and fresh air. I know it sucks for voyeurs who want to watch a blissed-out horny woman rolling around in ecstasy or at least looking fresh and cute and bisected by cleavage but instead get me, frowning and muttering under my breath about how I'm going to shoot myself in the head if trivial problems and distractions interrupt my flow just one more fucking time. I am so sorry that has been the story of my lifecams for far too long.
Anyway, I would manually scratch all the skin off my left arm using the fingernails of my right if it would mean I could spend a third of my life in a cabin in the woods, peeing outside and eating pickled sausage on the back porch. Unfortunately I'll have to go about things the hard way: plodding forward, tiny steps at a time.
FYI: I'll try to post more about the magic of our little cabin experience. Also, I'm posting the rest of these pictures of me by the river on Monday for members. Delia is posting a set as I type this: see SAMPLE HERE - it is SO FUCKING AWESOME to be able to get almost any angle you want from whatever distance you want unconstrained by four walls.
You always hope for good weather when you're shooting outside. Actually, you basically COUNT on having PERFECT weather. "Good" weather doesn't always cut it. Like today, when I wanted it to be gloomy, but not actually rain or snow. Instead it's sunny. Bright blue. Too loud.
Delia's getting ready for me to shoot her but the light is just not right at all.
I could have a spycam on me right now in our motel room while I blog this but I don't want to.
Sometimes it makes me nervous when I communicate shoot ideas/plans to people because I'm afraid they'll get their hopes up for something really creative and amazing based on how much work and planning we seem to be putting in it. And of course it never winds up being THAT great / is still pretty generic. At best everything is still sort of a rough draft of a good idea. Shows potential. Meets or exceeds a sort of bland standard of certain amateur porn things. We'd have to shoot a lot less to do a lot better or have a lot more resources and people working for us or stay up all day and night. People sweetly encourage me, "just shoot less! Shoot what *you* want!" but I don't think you can make money that way. The better and higher quality your work is, the less there is of it and the easier it is for people to "steal" and pass around. Have you noticed that on the internet? The more beautiful something is, the more people feel they have a collective right to enjoy it for free and share it with each other. This is great! Everyone should know about it! It's an extremely flattering compliment that can wind up starving you to death.
I could pull out a lot of things we do and present them in a different way to make them seem better than they are, but I can't seem to find time for that. And again, I'm still proud of mediocrity and just having potential. It's a very good thing to make pictures that make people happy every week, are genuine, straightforward, show promise, suggest a certain mood. I think I'm good at that: being suggestive.
I have a hard time accepting compliments that make our work seem better than it is. I also can't help feeling defensive towards people who think what we do is easy or that they have solutions to challenges I complain about, solutions they are sure would work and certain have never crossed my mind or been attempted or dismissed because they wouldn't work for a variety of reasons.
I remember standing outside our local movie theater listening to some blow-hards talking about what THEY would do if THEY owned the local theaters. Why don't they do X and Y? It would be simple . . . if I owned it, X would be the first thing I'd do. I hate those people even though I do exactly the same thing. Maybe that's why I hate those people; because I can't resist being a stupid know-it-all either, even when I know I don't. It's people's way of being part of the conversation when they really are in no position to comment at all. I just really hate being the subject of other people's imaginary business-plan hobby-thoughts myself, but I guess I encourage it to a certain extent. Love it up to a certain point. I want people to think of the growth of our business as a serial novel, something they want to keep reading about and hope will end well and spawn many sequels. I just don't want them to tell me how to write it. But with some people you can't have one without the other. I don't blame them since I can't resist doing the same thing sometimes. And some of them really mean well. They really do.
Have you ever thought about X? I would totally read that! I'm sure it would make you rich! You know, I saw you on cam for ten minutes last week and I really think what your problem is . . . Hey, I'll bet if you did more of Z a lot more people would jack off to you! Z is totally where it's at.
Every time we go away from home to shoot I go through a little process. First I'm anxious that we'll forget to pack something, that things won't go as planned, that we won't get enough work done. Then I realize everything is going to be fine, and if it isn't, I might as well enjoy the time away as time off, well-deserved. Then I get a fresh perspective since I'm away from home/work and a million distractions and have a little flexibility to think clearly. About what I want. About what I REALLY WANT TO DO. If I could only do one thing.
I'm at the point where I know what that one thing is, even when I'm at home and not away. But I'm not at the point of wanting or being able to give all my other work up in favor of that one thing and don't know if I ever will be. I still cling to the notion that it might be possible to do it all. Or that I should do other things first in order to make doing the one thing easier, foremost and full-time, without having to give a fuck what anybody else thinks of it.
If I could be good at any one thing -- if I were to invest 10,000 hours of practice in attempting to master it -- I know exactly what the one thing would be. I used to think forty-five would be too old to start being good at something, but now I think it would be perfect. Even fifty would be fine. Which means I don't really need to start practicing right now to be completely satisfied with myself in fifteen years. I'm comforted by this thought.
One of the reasons I love reading Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer books is the food porn. Big boned babes and greasy spoons abound. Example from The Big Kill:
. . . .I went down the corridor to where a bunch of typewriters were banging out a madhouse symphony and asked one of the stenos where I could find Ellen Scobie. She told me that she had gone out to lunch at noon . . . . It took me about ten minutes to make the four blocks and there was Ellen in the back looking more luscious than the oversize T-bone steak she was gnawing on.
I've always wanted to shoot gluttonously sensual softcore porn, but never want to compromise my enjoyment of a good guilt-laden meal to do it. Pictures like these do inspire me, though (click images for sources):
We lost power at our house for a couple of seconds today because of the wind; it almost seems freakier when the sun's out and it's blowing than if the skies were dark and ominous. Blue skies + windstorms = the pink goth of weather.
Though we live northwest of/near Seattle, the weather is totally different here with a lot less rain. We're lucky to have big windows facing south so in January and February we can sunbathe naked. Inside, unless you have fur:
I took these pictures in our backyard after going to the store where the power was out. According to the locals I heard talking, part of town was out of electricity because a transformer blew, a tree fell/knocked down lines, AND someone crashed a car into a pole. Our wind is a force to be reckoned with!
Next month we're planning to spend some time shooting closer to my hometown, in the area where (some of) Twin Peaks was filmed. I really wanted to commission someone to sew a waitress costume to mimic the ones they wore at the diner in the series, but I messed up the specs on the auction I created and didn't want to pay for something four months in advance of a time that would be too late for the look/time of year I wanted. Maybe next year. For now we'll try to capture a little of the vibe/local color without being crazily ambitious. Someday I would love to have the resources to get a bunch of our friends and fellow-Peaks-fans together for a couple of weeks to shoot some tribute porn. Someday.
Bloggers and webwhores around the world are making "year in review" posts right now. I'm not very good at instantly recalling and ranking The Most Important Things That Happened Last Year (seriously, I'm not even capable of ordering food in a drive-through -- something every other moron in America is MORE than competent at). I do feel really excited about 2009, though. It's like the past four months have been a slow, gradual process of skill-building, cleaning-up, clarifying and prioritizing to prepare for a great new year/rest-of-my-life.
Before I sum up my too-personal stuff, here's a picture of me from way back in February of 2002, before my members-only area opened, right around the time I met "my houseboy" before she became Delia:
And photos from a couple of my favorite shoots this year:
Probably the most important thing that happened in 2008 was we both started going to twelve step meetings. If I just said, "the most important thing that happened in 2008 was Delia stopped drinking" it might make more sense to people, but that really isn't the most important thing that happened. The most important thing for me (and equally important for our relationship) is that when she stopped drinking this time AND started going to meetings, I had to start getting my OWN shit together instead of thinking things were just hard because of her alcoholism. I sort of thought everything was perfect before EXCEPT for her drinking, but the month after she stopped? It totally wasn't perfect, because I had a complete meltdown. Obviously I know *I* am not perfect and I know a lot of the ways I'm an asshole (and will continue to be no matter how hard I sometimes try to stop being), but I really didn't have a plan or consistently work towards or ask for any help being a better, happier, healthier, nicer person. Working and worrying about other people (what they're THINKING, what they're DOING, what they EXPECT from me, how I think they're so fucking WRONG/fucked up, etc.) were my top priorities. I didn't really accept that me being a crazy asshole was/is my absolute biggest problem.
They seem like a simple concepts to apply to life -- just worry about your OWN shit, don't try to control anyone/thing except yourself -- but no matter how much I know those things on a rational level, applying them on a daily basis is a struggle and going to meetings helps me with that in a way nothing else ever has before.
Getting back on Ritalin has helped a lot, too. Another thing that's helping is making exercising a priority -- on December 5th I moved "exercising" to the top of my to-do list. I've exercised 21 days out of the past 29 (walking, dancing, stretching, DDRing, pilates, etc.). I need to keep reminding myself that my health is a bigger priority than work -- that taking care of myself IS my job and the foundation of doing everything else better. And being less of a crazy asshole.
This year when I filed our 2007 taxes (late, in October) I also had to face that we didn't meet our money goals in 2008; like, our sales were almost exactly the same as in 2007 when my goal was to double it (not as insane as it sounds, especially given our growth rate in years past). It's not that I'm not thankful -- I know that lots of people made LESS money in 2008 than 2007 -- but there's really no excuse for us not to be making more money. Yes, it's hard. But it's at the point now where we really NEED to, and that challenge/brink-of-disaster is good for me because it focuses me. I've been pushing everything to the sidelines that is not an efficient way of meeting our sales goals and promising myself not to pick those things up again until our goals are met and I can *justify* doing all those extra things and have the *resources* to do them well.
We also tried harder in 2008 to take days off. We didn't succeed in doing that consistently/regularly, so I should make that a resolution for this year. In general 2008 taught me that I can do more work better by not trying to do so MUCH of it and by working on improving myself.
In between meetings, exercise, Ritalin, fewer goals in my field of vision/better priorities, I felt really good about taking down the 2008 calendar and hanging up 2009. Everything feels like it's falling into place and I feel more patient about the time that's taking than I ever have before, and massively excited about the way Delia's and my relationship with each other is evolving and deepening -- our need to spend non-work time with each other and making/hearing music, fucking, laughing, kissing, talking, cleaning house, playing games, etc. is another huge motivator to push other stuff off the table so we can just ENJOY each other.
I am still going to be an asshole in 2009, but I will be a healthier asshole with a more flexible pucker. I know I won't STOP blowing hot, rank air but I will concentrate on cooling it down and remind myself to focus on cleaning myself up from the inside out to reduce my stench. I will be a more kissable asshole in 2009, and if all goes well perhaps I will be wiping myself with money by the time 2010 rolls around.
You don't need me to tell you that times are financially tough right now for a lot of people. You might be curious, though, whether or not recessions and looming depressions have an effect on our porn site sales. The answer? Yes, sales have been a little harder for us to make but overall I feel much more secure than I would in almost any other industry. The main sign we've seen that people's wallets are thin is that we get more denied credit cards.
My main financial concerns right now are not about falling sales, they're just about having finally reached our limit, unfortunately right at the time when banks and everyone else have reached theirs. I try not to feel a sense of shame or failure about my debt load regardless of how our country tells us that we little people are to blame for overextending ourselves or for being given loans and lines of credit we somehow didn't deserve. Our only mistake was being born poor while extremely unscrupulous banking bigwigs are bailed out for fucking people anally with insanely high interest rates. Example: it cracks me up that Citibank not only gets away with raising my interest rate and leveling late charges against me for sending a payment in on time that I accidentally wrote for fifty-seven cents less than the minimum payment that month (YES I have written them letters to no avail), but taxpayers get to foot the bill to save their fucking asses.
I'm getting off track.
Point is, after filing our taxes in October (yes, totally late) and maxing ourselves out like crazy we simply need to make more sales. Really, there is no excuse for us not to be making much more money at this point except that we tend to focus more on keeping our members happy than on actually, you know, FINDING MORE MEMBERS. It would be nice if we could do it all, but at this point we need to cut back on some things and rearrange others, at least until we meet some financial goals. So here are a couple of changes we/I are making:
*REALISTIC NUMBER OF WEBCAM SHOWS EVERY OTHER WEEK. Delia and I have been doing an insane number of shows for too many years: around twenty a month between the two of us. Most girls or couples with sites like ours who actually do live webcam shows do one or two a week, so maybe three to eight shows a month. Frankly it was sucking way too much sexual energy out of our relationship, leaving us very little free time to be spontaneous or go on shooting sprees or, you know, take a day or two off here and there.
We're now scheduling a couple days of webcam shows a couple times a month/every other week. It still averages out to at least two shows a week this way, but that's still less than what we have been doing and will give us more breathing room in-between to shoot videos and have recreational sex with each other.
Doing fewer camshows will also open up time to promote our sites in other ways; the truth is that the cam networks stopped being good places to get new members a long time ago. Even the girls who put on great shows and bend over backwards to be great orgasmic little entertainers do not make great sales because of those webcam shows. I will save explaining why for a different blog entry, but suffice to say right now there are more efficient ways of bringing in new sales; at a time like now we simply need to be more efficient.
*FEWER HOURS IN CHAT I really really love getting to know our members and think an active chatroom with a readily-available hostess is a really awesome feature to have on a porn/spycam site. I've had many awesome conversations in chat and gotten to know people I consider friends. Unfortunately, I probably spent way too much time in spycam chat over the years when I should have been focusing more on marketing my site. Now it's at the point where I really don't have a choice and need to spend those hours promoting our sites (especially Delia's because it outsells mine three to one).
I hate to say it, but I just don't have enough members to justify scheduling so many hours in chat. I've tried to find ways to make it work, and I feel like the same small handful of people are coming in just so I don't feel bad sitting in there alone. Combined with being burned out from all the camshows and being under pressure in other ways, I'm also just not as energetic an entertainer as I once was, anyway, so it's probably not a very enticing feature anymore. I am, however, continuing to pay for our members-only chatroom (the plugin is only $12.50 a month, but still) and am popping in there every so often and scheduling chats here and there. I've also added a separate twitter feed on the spycam, chat and shows pages to notify people of upcoming chats and shows and spycam stuff.
I've made a goal for myself that once Delia has 750 members and I have 500 members, I will add 15+ hours of chat per month back into the schedule as long as we can maintain those numbers and people seem to enjoy the chats. I know that 1250 members sounds like a lot, but in the grand scheme of things it's inexcusable that we don't have that many and more members right now. When I see the way other porn sites have tons of members and offer so much less than we do, it really makes me mad at myself because there's no reason we cannot be comfortable, debt-free and have the resources we need to make our sites better.
I just can't justify doing as much as we've been doing and staying so deeply in debt. I'm getting too old for it and it's taking too much of a toll on me. I need to buckle down and sell the fuck out of our sites, especially Delia's because she has much less competition.
*LOOSEY-GOOSEY UPDATES For about five years I was very rigid about my update schedule for members, posting something new every week, and for many years on the exact same DAY each week. I still feel like that's the ideal way to do things (scheduled updates one or more times a week, depending on whether or not the site has anything else going for it).
Once we made our sites all-access (join one you get them all) I tried to relax a little on that and am finally feeling less anal about it. Now I am focused on our network of sites added ten or more new things each month, which isn't two hard considering that we have DeliaCD, TastyTrixie, AmberLily, SpyOnUs and TrixiesHouseboy (which is paralyzed right now, but I digress). Still, I have been asking too much of myself and not really giving myself the opportunities to excel at what I do best and WANT to do most at any given time. When I see other sites that I think are great (and so do their members) and they don't get all crazy freaking out on themselves for not updating like clockwork, I have to think I'm just sabotaging myself with self-criticism and essentially also disrespecting the work my colleagues do; if it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for me?
This was especially apparent to me when AmberLily joined our network; it was a sudden thing, so we didn't plan on it by having a bunch of our own content queued up ready to go while we did the things we needed to do to help get her site up on our server and attached to us. It wasn't that anything I did was particularly HARD, but it did take a lot of hours making phone calls, designing a tour, negotiating stuff, etc. Lots of little things that made me happy to do, but meant I didn't have time to do other things. I *should* have said, "hey members! This month I won't be posting new updates but AmberLily's joining us and you will have her entire site to explore to make up for it!" But I didn't do that.
From now on, I NEED to do that; realize I can't do it all, and be proud of what I *do* do, and satisfied that it is enough instead of thinking all will be lost unless I run myself into the ground. The opposite is proving to be true (duh): all will be lost if I continue to run myself ragged. I'm totally out of gas, which is sad especially when there are a number of women who would like to join our network of sites and I simply don't have time and energy to invest in working with them right now.
There are tons of things I've neglected to do that I need to get taken care of, like redesigning the free areas and blogs for pretty much all of our paysites. How many years have I had the same confusing design on this blog and my site that is now totally outdated with pages of broken things, old pictures, etc.? It's just unacceptable. And no, I am not listening to anybody who gives me shit about all my other little "projects" and how if I didn't waste time with them I could finish all these neglected necessaries. Bullshit. If I didn't allow myself to go off on tangents, then half of the reward of working for myself would be totally fucking DELETED. Whatever makes me want to do those things is the same thing that makes me good at the things people PAY for.
Oh, and speaking of what people pay for, I still really miss doing phone sex, private shows and the potential to do other one-on-one stuff; another set of things I'd like to mix back into my life soon or when we meet some of those money goals.
Basically I am *considering* posting fewer updates to the TastyTrixie members area for a few months or until I feel/look healthier. Lately I've been doubling up on them/posting "late", mostly because I haven't been happy with a lot of my content and sit on updates until I have something "better" to go with them. In fact, that's what I've been doing with a set of pictures that I edited this week and really kind of hate.
Mostly I guess I need to stop making promises and just focus on making content. And even more than that, SALES. Note: it's not that our content isn't good enough to make sales or that we don't have enough of it or that our members-only areas are lacking; that isn't the problem at all. It's simply that the webmasters promoting most porn sites don't know how to promote us, or have never heard of us because we have no advertising budget, or it's just not worth it to them to promote us because we can't pay them as much as these big sites do (yet another subject for another blog entry) or we don't give them enough free content in the format they like with a lot of bells and whistles and things to make it super-easy (I totally understand why this puts us at a disadvantage).
I know this is a really long post and maybe a total bore to most people, but I feel like I needed to communicate this stuff in writing and by posting it, make a commitment to it myself. Long story short, we need to focus on meeting some attainable, yet very immediately necessary sales goals. I have to close two of my credit card accounts before they raise the interest rates to some even-more god-awful amount; this shit is getting down to the wire and we simply have to stop living on the edge.
One of my favorite books about "unschooling" tells readers that when you allow a young person to escape the lock-step of traditional schools, the person usually needs three months or more to get it out of their system and have their natural curiosity well up enough to be motivated to take advantage of other learning opportunities. Note: there are many things I love about traditional schools AND alternative approaches to education; I'm not knocking schools, just using this as an example. As I've alluded to in recent posts, making great life-changing decisions doesn't always yield immediate relief and results and instant accomplishments; I've been pretty exhausted and overwhelmed on a bunch of different levels so I really don't expect everything to magically be PERFECT and I hope my members are patient and understand that too, though I totally understand if people feel like canceling and perhaps coming back later when I have more to offer.
I'm really looking forward to getting back to making our spycams more entertaining, focusing on Delia's and my relationship to each other, and feeling better about my body. Today's the seventh day in a row I've exercised and I know by the time the new year rolls around I'm going to feel a million percent better (if the holidays don't kill me ;).
After having family stay with us for a few days, I usually feel like I need a day off to myself to recover from the energy kicked up from so many people around me. During this visit, however, I kept retreating to WebWhore Headquarters (that's what I call my home office) for a couple hours here and there, allowing myself to WORK to relax.
Instead of picking work that I really *need* to do that's high priority for making money, I allowed myself to work on low-priority stuff that's fun and not complex or stressful (except for feeling guilty for not doing more important things) and requires no interaction with other people. Stuff that's compact, like blogging and posting one-pagers on domains I've had for a long time that have been sitting, completely BLANK. My thought is that anything I accomplish is a bonus since I should be taking time off from work while family is here for our late-Thanksgiving so I should do something totally relaxing instead of tangling with bigger projects.
Here are some of the one-pagers I've made over the past week or two:
It's soothing to play with fonts and colors and inspiring to remind myself of concepts and ideas that interest me. Only a couple of those were frivolous, actually, with no immediate application, but I still feel conflicted all the time and defensive about the choices I make with my time. Like if I enjoy it and other people might not understand where it fits in the puzzle, then I should feel badly about it. There are a lot of things I'm choosing to NOT do, and I constantly imagine a crowd of people criticizing my choices, saying "what, she's not doing X so she can do Y and Z?? THAT is stupid! She hasn't earned the right to waste time doing that -- I want X! I want X! Y and Z are useless! She would be so much better off doing X; a bigger commitment to doing X would solve all of her problems, can't she see that?"
One of my goals is to stop worrying so much about the critics, both external critics and my own internal asshole voices who can ALWAYS find some way to make me feel like I'm not doing good enough. I need to focus on what I'm doing right (and right NOW), not what I'm doing wrong (or not doing at the moment). Unfortunately I'm often painfully aware that every choice I make to do one thing means not doing ten billion others. It's depressing and I have to knock that shit off. Being on Ritalin does help a lot because I can sit down and focus on something without intrusive thoughts and ideas continually popping into my head of all the other things I can/should be doing which then make me totally anxious, overwhelmed, afraid to proceed with the task at hand, and hopeless because of my limitations and lack of giant progress.
I know a lot of people struggle with similar feelings, so I share this for a couple reasons: because I know other people can relate and it always feels good to know you're not the only one with these kinds of challenges, and because it helps ME to type out my fears and remind myself I don't want to carry them around. I want to be happy with what I *can* do and what I *want* to do right now at this moment. I want to look at what I've done and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride, not guilt and maudlin hyper-criticism.
Anyway, the family is gone now, our spycams are back up, and Delia's warming up some of her delicious turkey & stuffing leftovers. Life is good.
I'm trying to figure out how I can be more of a whore, more of a photographer, more of a blogger, more of a web maven, AND a better person/friend/family member while staying healthy (you know, SLEEPING) and maintaining enough focus/having enough time to efficiently make money to pay off our huge debt.
All of you who've known me and read my blog for any length of time know that I'm easily excited about new ideas, projects, learning experiences, and concepts particularly when they involve sex and money and offer fascinating insight into my own and other people's intimate lives and thought processes. I want to do (and LIKE to do) too much to really specialize in any one thing, FINISH any one project, or devote enough time crafting and marketing any one website to make it truly successful.
A couple of weeks ago I was really on track, ready to push aside distractions and FOCUS. I had a plan and felt great about it, but then new opportunities and reminders of old ones started running through my field of vision and now I'm tiring myself out again trying to figure out how I can do it all. Because I really REALLY want to. Unfortunately I just don't have the competency, stamina, or appropriate temperament to do it all or even 10% of it in a way that's worth more than just the fun of being able to say I "experienced" it and still have anything left over for the people who love me so they don't have to deal with me acting like a monster, whirling around in my own chaotic dust storm like the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil.
I guess I need to go back to the plan I had a couple of weeks ago, write down the past two week's distractions and set them UNDER the goals I need to finish before I get to them, and remind myself that I can go back to scatterbrained messing-around when I get our debt paid off. It's a lot of money, but not so much that FOCUSED work on our sites for a year shouldn't be able to erase. It sucks that I have to prioritize everything by what will make the *most* money the *fastest* and most *efficiently*, but that's life. It's really a very simple concept and I'll be very proud of myself when I finally apply and master it. Then I can allow myself to just do stuff that makes me the most horny. ;)
While I let bigger (and possibly better) blog entries stew, here are a couple of images that might fall into the "bigger" and "better" categories:
In my last post I mentioned experiencing some bumpy emotions as I struggled to adjust my priorities and let go and cut back, at least temporarily, some stuff; in the days since that post I've emotionally adjusted, too. I now feel very content and optimistic about my new focus and happy to release myself of certain self-imposed obligations.
I'm being annoyingly vague, I know, but I just want to share that I feel happy and hopeful about my person(al life), relationships, business . . . where I'm/we're at and where I'm/we're going. It feels boringly repetitive to blog about them ("hasn't Trixie said this a million times in the past seven years?"), but periodic realignments are necessary in life; sometimes the adjustment process is stressfully turbulent (even when the changes are positive, like when the person you love stops drinking or when you're forced to recognize -- AGAIN -- that you aren't superhuman after forgetting since the LAST time you were faced with that conclusion) but once you get used to it a whole new field of possibilities emerges and there's . . . relief. And joy. And after some rest? New good things. More awesome. Progress made. Love shared. Delicious sappiness.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that things are good here!
A couple of samples from the gallery I just posted for members:
I don't think I'd feel like I need to lose fifteen pounds if we could afford for me to specialize in long line girdles and corsets.
Speaking of what we can/can't afford, I know that I need to cut some obligations out in order to have time to really tweak and market our sites appropriately. For some reason I'm having a really difficult time deciding which things I need to stop doing, at least temporarily. I've been freaking out a lot and feeling anxious/overwhelmed. I don't think my priorities are set in a way that's effective and it's hard for me to rearrange them and then accept that the things at the bottom will have to be trimmed off. I am trying to do it all (and have been for too many years) and it's just not working. I'm sucking at everything and not really focusing my best efforts on the things I'm actually GOOD at and the things that make the most money.
It's hard for me to let go.
One of the things I realized this month (besides that we NEED to take days off) is that we will have to 1) limit the number of miles we drive/trips we take each month and/or in rapid succession and 2) make sure visiting family doesn't get sidelined in that equation in favor of work or friends. It's not because of fuel costs, it's because we live so far away from everyone that the HOURS spent in the car NOT working (except to fuck up my back/body) cost too much, plus it breaks my heart going for such long stretches without seeing my nephew. I also had a major meltdown awhile back with extreme guilt over neglecting to visit my grandma in over a year. Long story short, I'm stressed out and tossing ideas around in my head to reduce that stress.
Eventually I am going to have to learn how to forgive myself for not being able to do everything, and allow myself to succeed working from a shorter/different to-do list.
NEW PLAN. For one week a month I'll be in HYPERCHAT mode. Coming up the first week of June I have multiple sessions of the old favorite News FLASH! scheduled and various chats at different times of day throughout the week. My goal is to spend about fifteen to twenty hours ten to fifteen hours in members-only chat and/or being generally more "entertaining" on the cams. I won't be scheduling all of those hours, some will be impromptu, but the point is to have a block of five to seven days each month when members will have a good chance to interact with me no matter what timezone they are in.
Note: chat sessions are NOT "shows", they are for CHAT ONLY. I do not take requests or suggestions unless I say so (in News FLASH!, for example) or I am logged in for PRIVATE shows with a viewer paying me by the minute.
I'm really looking forward to this new plan and think it will allow me the freedom I need during the rest of the month to work uninterrupted (without distractions or guilt) on projects that require my concentration for hours at a stretch with the freedom for me to drop everything else when inspiration strikes BUT will still allow me enough focused time to make hanging out with our members a priority.
Balancing different kinds of work is always a challenge for me, and often a fun challenge; it's always exhilarating to make new plans, tighten up routines, and approach what I've been doing for years in a slightly different way. I like letting the spycams be SPYcams, but I also miss spending time getting to know our members and feeling like I'm being at least a little entertaining and accessible. I think allowing myself a hyperchat week each month will be a nice change of pace without ruining other aspects of my work productivity. And of course I think members will like it, too.
Here's the deal; I'm super tired, but feel like I can't let the week end without posting an entry here. Tons of blog entries in draft form that I can't seem to finish for one reason or another, so checking-in will have to do for now.
The week of my birthday (March 17th) I was working on aging and getting into a huge confrontation with my mom. The emotional fallout from that continues to plague me. It's nothing tragic or life-threatening, just cause for introspection and worry over how to apologize (if I even should) and if so, for which part. It's more complicated than that (while also being very pedestrian), but I'll leave it at that.
End of March, as you know, we discovered yet again that we're not pregnant . . . another non-life-threatening emotional drain.
April: have been working on many geeky projects to boost our income; site redesigns, etc. The only part of that we've actually finished is the members-only redesign of Delia's site, but it did suck up a lot of time and energy.
In general I've been leaning at a noticeable slant towards the asshole-end of my personality spectrum so this week I've done a few things to help me straighten up and fly right; we took almost a whole day off, yesterday I got a massage, and we've had a couple of outings involving strolling through town, walking the dog at dusk, and breathing fresh air.
I believe my main problem is hormonal; the longer I am off the pill, the more monstrous I feel and act. Of course, it could be the circumstances that are getting to me, but I honestly don't think that's the biggest part of the problem; I think my problem is chemical. Fortunately there are a lot of things I can do to help myself feel better: exercise, eat better, listen to music, stretch, get massage, go outside, decide how I want to feel and act and make that my real work every day, etc. Unfortunately? I'm not very disciplined with the food and exercise and really just want to be able to WORK-work without worrying about taking care of myself. It's ridiculous because I have so much freedom and flexibility, yet I can't seem to keep things in balance. I'm good at allowing myself plenty of time to daydream and as much sleep as I need, but I want to be better at regularly giving myself therapeutic physical pleasure: dancing, massage, breathing, stretching, crying, etc. Yeah, sex is in there too, but the other stuff is what I'm needing most, am most apt to neglect, and is most likely to lead to fucking when I get them in adequate quantities with regularity.
So. Long story short is that I've been having a bit of a hard time, and that I'd like to hold that craziness at arm's length because it really does seem alien to me, not because it's unfamiliar but because, from a rational perspective (and having been in this territory many times in my life), I just don't think these are my organic struggles -- I feel like they're thrust on me by the exaggerating effects of hormone fluctuations. It's like I can't even BELIEVE what I'm feeling except when I'm in the tightest grip of feeling shitty. I really believe I'm a happy person, and it frustrates me that something sometimes seems to be getting in the way of me FEELING and ACTING happy.
I'm not saying that deep inside me there's a bubbly cheerleader sort of happy person just waiting to get out, but I *am* a grateful, overjoyed-by-small-things and delighted-by-life happy person. I'm just depressed sometimes, too.
So. I'm not posting this to solicit pity or concern, just letting people know part of what's been going on with me. In the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal, not even to me, but I know a lot of people go through the same kinds of things and can relate. I'm working on it, I'm hopeful, and I don't want anyone to have the impression all has been a storm cloud of ugliness lately in my life when that's totally untrue. Today was like magic, in fact, and there have been buttloads of bright spots over the past month. It's just that a lot of life has been annoyingly peppered with little flecks of shit, know what I mean? It's like having the perfect mocha with what seems to be shavings of gorgeous chocolate, but after you take a sip you discover that those are actually grated remains of the petrified brains of Mad Cow Disease victims.
With my emotional state and my choice in tunes, listening to my own station gave me a bloated throat-lump and more crying. In a sorta good way.
*For the past few weeks it seems like the viewers/chatters in my webcam shows have been MUCH more pleasant than usual. I wind up the shows loaded with lots of warm fuzzies and really appreciate the change in tone. Coincidentally, most of these shows were during my vibrator-abstinence period and my PERIOD period so they were very chat-oriented shows with less actual showing-off of my body. Normally a less explicit show leads to the natives getting restless and very rude, but for some reason the crowds have been noticeably more tolerant, receptive and respectful than they have been in the past few years. I think that the big cam network might be filtering out some of the freeloaders because the crowds also seem smaller. Whatever it is, I like it; it's a lot more fun and relaxing.
*Our hosting company had some hiccups and is doing some upgrades so our sites have had (and might have more) downtime than I've seen with them for the past six years. They are doing some upgrades April 1st Monday Night/Tuesday morning between 1:00am – 6:00am and hope to limit the down time to fifteen minutes, but it's possible there could be more.
I hate the impact that has on people's perceptions of our sites, but it happens to everybody at some time or another so I hope everyone will be patient with it. Members: if you want all the technical details and apologies from our hosting company, I've posted them HERE and HERE.
We're going to have to do some heavy time (and semen) management in the upcoming weeks to try again to get pregnant, shoot content, and do some major work to try to get our income boosted (this week is going to be TIGHT) so I'm making a lot of lists, plans and goals. It might make me even more boring than usual, but also more productive (but maybe not more productive in the "fun" way).
If you're looking for good spontaneous conversation, ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE MAN WITH THE TOOTHPICK. He's a conversationalist. You will know his interest in your conversation was reciprocated if, at the end of the conversation, he tosses away the toothpick. If he THROWS the toothpick and says, "aw, to HELL with you" while he walks away then it means you've found a debate partner for life.
I say all this after we walked home from our precinct caucus yesterday and had the best roadside political conversation with a guy with a toothpick and silver braid, wearing a Carhartt jacket over a Harley t-shirt. He stopped us as he got out of his pickup to ask what the caucus was like.
It was interesting. It's only the second time we've attended one, but today's was MUCH more exciting since there seemed to be more Democrats with some fucking common sense (last time the hyper-idealistic simpletons all threw their shit away on Kucinich; those folks were still there yesterday, I kid you not, providing the dictionary illustration for the word "futility"). Judging from what we saw in our precinct and the one next to us, Obama had a huge lead over Clinton in our town (and of course the entire state of Washington).
Both Delia and I felt sad that now that we HAVE to vote by mail, the caucus is really our only opportunity to gather together with other voters en masse to publicly participate in the process. Oh, I know there are other opportunities to get together and be all civic-minded, but those are usually just a handful of people with very specific interests. It's just not the same and now they're trying to get rid of THIS, too, and simplify things with a regular primary. I know voting by mail is cool because it's so easy and convenient (and a way to avoid the nightmare of electronic voting machines), it's just sad that we lose the sense of doing it socially as a community, and in some cases as a nation. Voting seems like even more of a farce by mail. It leaves me feeling disenfranchised as a citizen. It's like using the free address labels The March of Dimes sends you without bothering to send them a donation. If I don't have to leave my house and mill around with strangers in a location I would never otherwise visit I might as well be voting for American Idol; devoid of the common ritual, the process feels trivialized. Actually, voting for American Idol probably feels LESS trivial because at least people have a limited window of time to cast their votes (so are voting TOGETHER) and enjoying the ritual of tuning in next time to see the results.
All we have left is going to see fireworks together or sports in a stadium, and that's just not the same because we attend games and fireworks displays and concerts as observers, not participants. I suppose we still have rallies and parades and protests to participate in, but that's almost TOO much participation. Besides, for all of the work people put into it, there's no official record of what you've done unless you get arrested or win a trophy and nobody in the general population cares about the outcome regardless. I would say at least we still have the pledge of allegiance and singing the national anthem together, but nobody except conservative automatons seem to appreciate the bliss of joining into rituals of mass brainwashing the way I do. Oh well. I suppose there's always traffic court.
Since socializing is not a high priority for me and I tend to enjoy it more in structured environments, losing the opportunity to vote the old-fashioned way is a pretty big blow to my human experience. I loved sitting in the bleachers yesterday with strangers chuckling and criticizing our disorganized party, laughing as they moved their lips unintelligibly with their predictable head-in-the-clouds lack of awareness that nobody could hear their brainy soft-spoken voices while the rest of us in our typical passive Democratic style failed to speak up and point out that WE COULDN'T HEAR THEM. If we'd been Republicans, someone would have immediately stood up and cupped her hand around her ear or made the "up! up!" motion or screamed, "LOUDER!" Those gentle hippies, our brethren. How I wished we could import some of the audible obnoxiousness of our enemies, the loud-mouthed Republicans who know how to ORGANIZE an event and properly strategize.
At some point I realized it might be easy to become a delegate to the county convention, so we stuck around for me to push through the small cluster of other hopefuls and sign up to go. I felt a little cheated that it was all left up to chance (whichever people grabbed a paper and signed up first are going, apparently) instead of competition. I imagined if I were a Republican I would have had to FIGHT with some fat-ass in a red sweatshirt to EARN my spot. That would have been more fun. Perhaps the competition will be stiffer to move from county to the district caucus, though.
I am picking out outfits now, plotting an escalation of attractiveness to try to get to the state convention. If my sordid porn career prevents moving that far along I can console myself with the knowledge that at least I won't have to go to Spokane in August June, which is a nasty hellhole.
Next on my redesign agenda is the REAL free area and this blog; I'm really disturbed by how much stuff is outdated, missing and/or broken on the free side of my site and how I've let it go this long. I'm also overwhelmed and really just tired of working on web design projects at this point. I feel really URGENT about finishing, weary about how long it takes me, and excited about the possibilities (yet depressed by my lack of skill and time in executing them). I feel like I can't do anything else until I am done with our overdue overhauls; I'm kind of going crazy.
I also just ordered some new video editing software; Delia used to edit our videos using premiere but the version we have is really old and I really didn't like using it myself so we switched to using good old, free, windows moviemaker. It's not great, but it's been efficient. Unfortunately it just doesn't do the trick for more ambitious projects, like my dollface video which we shot with two different cameras; just trying to insert an extra minute from another tape is pretty much impossible, requiring TEDIOUS amounts of cutting and pasting and trying to sync-up audio. It's a fucking nightmare. We're also way overdue on offering dvd's and videos formatted for ipods and the like. I ordered Pinnacle based on a rec from Torn who said it does everything well without being overwhelming to learn. I can't afford the price or the learning curve of Vegas, etc.
Okay, I'm late now on getting ready for the dentist. I need to shower and eat now before my mouth is rendered completely useless for hours.
We're back home from our Portland trip and 500 photos richer. Well, 498. And of course we'll delete many of those, too. Not very productive in terms of shooting, but what we DID shoot was great. Besides, we were really there for Delia's doctor appointment and also spent a nice evening visiting with our friends, Torn and Toni of KatVixen.com. I realize you all read me telling you how much I like to avoid people and socializing and all of that jazz, so you probably never conceive of how much I actually *do* like people and talking with them, and how hard it is for me to call it a night once conversation is rolling. I think I deprive myself so much of social stimulation that I become parched for it, which creates a vicious circle because I pretty much know I'll want to overdo it when we meet up with people and then need a week of hermit mode to recover my wits There is often a part of me that *almost* whines to friends, "I wish you/we didn't have to go" at the overdue end of a visit. A lot of my issues with socializing/needing a lot of alone time are less to do with preference and more to do with the way my brain is wired and that I just wind up blowing fuses trying to process the extra stimuli.
So. A small (or literally a large) reason why we didn't shoot more photos is that I didn't recognize in time how overweight I am and that an outfit I packed, THE outfit, the one I was all sexed up to wear and use in a teacher role play, could barely be buttoned/couldn't be zipped. I love it way too much to wear it incorrectly so it put me in a bit of a foul temper. It was slightly more depressing than our Halloween shoot debacle where I actually SPLIT THE SEAMS of the pirate dress I ordered. That was sort of funny and I wish we'd have gotten the splitting on tape. Oh well.
My conflicting feelings/thoughts regarding my level of physical fitness: *I think I look and feel fine -- nay, almost exactly how I've always WANTED to look -- for a normal thirty-four year old *but not a thirty-four year old who sells images of her body and needs to be versatile. *I don't fucking WANT to eat less or exercise more. I just don't WANT to! Okay, I do want to but there are about 567 things on my list of things I WANT TO DO ****WAY MORE**** than exercise. I'd rather be fucking blogging, right? I'd rather be masturbating I'd rather be eating donuts while Delia gets ready for me to take pictures of HER. I would just rather be sitting on my goddamned ass using my motherfucking BRAIN, okay? *but okay, I *do* want to look good in that outfit, darlings. I *do*. It's just too perfect. There are SO MANY perfect little outfits. I pretend not to care, but oh, I *do* care, because I want to look so cute and fit in polka dot blouses and dresses with darts.
None of this matters in any real way and it sickens me to even think about it for a moment, let alone go ON and ON about it, torturing myself and others with this fucking weight loss drivel. What a senseless waste of time. But. I think some of my dramatic feelings right now about my body are connected to bigger things than my bigger body. Like admiring some of the work my more cerebral cohorts do and feeling resentful that I don't have time to do more of what they're doing. That I'm bogged down by my visually body-oriented work that begs me to tend to it in such time-consuming ways. That my body right now is my most valuable natural resource and I'm trashing it (I would say that Delia's body is my most valuable resource, but that would open up a whole other can of worms about possession and pimping and shit). That I want my work to focus more on *other* people's bodies and less on my own. That I want it to fucking WORK PROPERLY but suspect I'm rounding the bend where I can't take it for granted at all and it wants me to know that. I'm full of suspicious lumps, I can't seem to get pregnant, and I'm having a hard time disguising my comical bulges.
I don't like to complain about it or sound pessimistic. It's important to me to say that I don't FEEL as bad as I sound. But I *do* need to process these feelings. And remind myself that the reason I do the work I do is because a) I like it/feel driven to, and b) it is part of a plan that *does* allow me to do *all* of the kinds of work I want to do. Some of it right now/all of the time, and more of it eventually. And all of it really whenever I want if at any time I want to drop any of it that I'm sick of. And that's the big reminder, that I can do whatever I want. I don't WANT to stop doing anything I do right now OR I WOULD. I just really crave to do MORE of the millions of things I want to do. Making choices pains me because sometimes choosing to do one thing means choosing NOT to do other things I really really DO want to do (refer to above: socializing).
Sorry if that is all incoherent and vague. It makes sense to me, though. FYI: comments reassuring me about my weight or arguing about it will not be published; it's not the real issue here: the real issue is what I want to concentrate on more than my body. Love to chat about it more, but again, this is more of a reflective post for myself than an informative or conversational post for others; once I post this I want to be dumped of it and move on.
I don't know if I can describe how satisfying it is to look at these photos we've shot, the ones that are beautiful. Since it's difficult to describe without being redundant or obnoxious, you wind up reading more angst about dumb things like body image than daily thanksgiving about important things like how splendid I feel about what we make. I feel wrong even taking that much credit for just being lucky enough to have a camera, a moderately good eye and an appreciation for the beauty of certain things that never get old no matter how many times you duplicate them: black nylons against a blonde wood floor. Red patent leather. My girlfriend's ass. Her willingness to get on the floor for me. The way the pictures I capture can keep getting better regardless of how fat I eventually may get or whether or not I can bear children or whether or not I ever lose a breast to cancer. I will still always know and deeply appreciate a billion and one things that are beautiful and exquisite and erotic and are not too hard for me to point out and celebrate. That I WANT to point out and celebrate.
Not too great, but I have good excuses: I still have a cold and yesterday had to get cavities filled; it sucks to have to keep your mouth open while you're congested and someone fills your mouth with sharp metal implements, cotton, juices, and powdered teeth. None of these things can be bonafide as horrible, but they're just bad enough that I feel pathetic and in need of comfort from warm, sloppy attire and TV. Since it's also *possible* (but unconfirmable at this point) that I'm pregnant, I don't want to take more than some Tylenol and plain one-ingredient Robitussin.
Anyway, we HAD to watch the tube last night to enjoy coverage of the Iowa caucuses. We both cried watching and listening to Obama. I hope (nay, I PRAY) he'll win. At the very least he'd be a President we can see and hear without mass quantities of people wanting to rip their ears off and gouge out their eyes just to stop THE PAIN from entering their brains.
I know my simplistic perspective on this will sicken some of my readers, but I seriously believe what matters most is that our next president is someone who leads our spirits and inspires us. I'm tired of being depressed. We need someone to restore our faith on a whole bunch of levels and he totally does it for me.
Barack is THE ONE. I look forward to him winning more than I ever looked forward to losing my virginity.
*REVIVE PODCAST & DO MORE VIDEO BLOGGING One of many reasons (all rooted in bizarre insecurities) I dropped off the podcast map before I really got started (but AFTER I'd been happily making informal phone posts since before podcasting became popular) was sorta because vlogging picked up at the same time and suddenly there seemed to be so many different tools and ways of doing what I'd BEEN doing (informally) over the phone without much thought. I started getting performance anxiety about it and feel overwhelmed by the need to research all of the different tools and techniques and platforms and places to syndicate and worrying that everyone would lose interest in audio without video. At the same time the service I'd been using to make phoneposts died and the service I switched to (hipcast) requires me to remember a lot more numbers and codes to make a post.
Whatever. I got a new microphone and am going to let go of my worries and just ramble the way I used to (okay, with maybe a little more focus) and start posting more video, too.
*WATCH LESS TELEVISION I've gained a lot of weight and we have a lot less sex since we got Directv. I don't want to give up television altogether (even though I was perfectly happy without it for years) and I don't feel a morsel of regret or shame over watching every episode of "Flavor of Love", so it's not really that I want to watch less tv (in fact, I fully intend to catch up on "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" which looks to be GROUNDBREAKING), it's that I want to do more of the other things I love (dancing, listening to music, fucking, reading, etc.). I think voyeurs will appreciate seeing us paying more attention to each other than the small screen.
In order to motivate myself to watch less television I've decided that before each time we turn it on, I'll figure out something I really want to do that's enjoyable (dance around the living room listening to Traveling Wilburys Vol. 3, for example, or exchanging foot baths with Delia), and keep that in mind, promising myself to do it after the show we're watching is over. A lot of times I'll lie in bed watching SITCOM after SITCOM, groaning to myself that I need to get up, I have so much WORK to do, and I realize that vague whipsnaps of gigantic piles of WORK are not enough to get me enthusiastic about getting up out of bed. If I'm going to make myself stop watching tv to do work, then I need to promise myself to do something very specific that I've been looking forward to (a blog entry on a specific subject, for example - something manageable that I enjoy doing yet is more productive than rotting my brain).
Speaking of resolutions, Seska was(is?) looking for sexual resolutions. I guess the less tv is indirectly a resolution to have more sex, but I don't know think it SOUNDS sexy. And I don't want to (nor have I ever, as far as I can recall) make any New Year's sexual resolutions; I'd love to resolve to get pregnant, but that's clearly not how it works, at least not for me.
We don't have any big plans for New Year's Eve; we've both got little colds, but that's not why we're not doing any partying -- we *never* really do any partying. I'm looking forward to a Very Sober New Year.
My main focus today and tomorrow is to relax and start the new year out right (by being RELAXED and FOCUSED). I find it totally bizarre that so many other people like to start out their new year by making themselves sick -- I want to start it out feeling energized, not depleted. Seriously: it makes more sense and sounds more appealing to me to spend these two days housecleaning (which you all know I hate) than getting shitfaced or socializing.
My main project for today (and the upcoming week or two) is continuing to work on a redesign for my site (which is actually like THREE new designs since there's one for the members-only area, one for the free area, and one for affiliates to promote; actually, make that FOUR since I want to make the blog match the new look a little bit, too).
I have a very small list of things that MIGHT be called "resolutions", but only a couple of them are things that will be immediately visible and, I hope, appreciated by fans. The main thing? I resolve to wear clothes I actually LIKE more often rather than drag-assing around wearing stuff that doesn't even make me happy. Translation = I'll be "sexier" on our spycams. Notice I didn't say "I resolve to wear less clothing" or "I resolve to stop wearing clothes on cam". This is about quality, not quantity (though I will attempt to display more cleavage and/or more form-fitting tops to show off my Big Boobs better).
I'm also starting 2008 with health insurance and saying goodbye to six years of being uninsured. I have my doubts about whether or not this is actually a good/worthwhile thing, but I guess since it already is making some friends and family feel relieved and less worried that it's a good thing.
My apologies for not finishing any of my five hundred blog drafts. And apologies for this particular post not being anything you will want to read, seriously.
I'm a little tense, feeling like I'm falling down on my job(s). Not getting everything done or really much of anything lately. I'm feeling a little emotionally drained from the family emergencies and some of the "feelings" it dredges up with me -- my role, who I am in the family; I'm always the one who lives far away and works too much. My mom lives alone so having her break her arm to the point of requiring surgery and an overnight hospital stay is a pretty big thing, especially when it then falls on my sister's shoulders to drive her around and take care of her after she JUST had her appendix taken out in emergency surgery herself, and has a barfing baby and husband to take care of, too. it's a real triple whammy. I tell myself I shouldn't waste my free ticket by getting stressed out over things I can't help, but it's happening anyway. There's been some other stressful stuff going on too, but it's a little too personal to go into right now.
Needless to say, the Thanksgiving I was so looking forward to has to be postponed.
At least I'm doing a good job with my exercise goal this week, having gone three days in a row and will go on Thanksgiving too to meet my goal. I am in such poor shape that my body is pretty tired, though; I need a few more consistent gym days to get to that point where I have MORE energy instead of LESS after exercising.
When I went out to "take care of" my sister over the weekend, I saw she'd purchased the Lord of the Rings dvd set. She said it was her five pound(s lost) reward to herself. I said "huh" to myself, and realize that I do a very totally fucking shitty job of rewarding myself when I finish things. I'm great at making lists, halfway great at checking them off, but I totally drop the ball on the reward/pat-self-on-back step. I imagine that I do congratulate myself and give myself internal warm fuzzies, but they only last half a second and then I'm already choking up on fifty other listed tasks/goals/whatevers I want to get on to. Taking time and energy for proper praise and reward seem so inefficient to me!
It's not that I deprive myself of happy treats and moments of luxury, I just don't take the little bit of extra effort to TIE treating myself to finishing something or meeting goals. I'm going to try to do that more often. Today I decided that whenever I manage to talk to my mom on the phone, I'm going to reward myself with 15-30 minutes on the Playstation (I hate talking to my mom on the phone). I also decided I'm going to give myself a fucking break and allow myself to focus on this exercise task this week and be proud of myself for meeting my gym goal REGARDLESS OF WHAT OTHER THINGS I DON'T GET DONE. My health is pretty fucking important, and seeing what my mom and sister are going through with their own hospital visits really should bring that home to me, especially considering they have insurance and I don't. What could be more important than me taking care of my body?
We also met our goal of not watching tv today. My natural reaction to that statement is that meeting the goal should be its own reward, but then I think I'm slacking again by not really patting myself on the back harder over it.
I'm going to go stretch and hit the mattress. Hard.
I almost did something crazy just now . . . I started filling out an application to work in a grocery store.
Oh my god! Is money REALLY that tight for Trixie? Or is she quitting webwhoring? Errr . . . what the fuck?
It's nothing like that. It's actually more embarrassing than that; I don't NEED another job, I just really like cashiering. Sometimes when I go to the store I am jealous, and I just think it would be fun to pick up a Saturday or holiday shift or a busy dinner rush now and again. Sometimes I just want to get out of the house and do something regular, normal . . . something with a rhythm and set of rules. Something with clearly defined boundaries. Something where I pick things up, move them only a couple feet, then set them down in a bag. Something that doesn't require a lot of complex thought. Something that doesn't involve planning for the future. Someplace where I'm never asked to make big decisions.
Sometimes I'm just tired of being in our house, and I don't want to socialize exactly, but I want to interact (in very predictable, regimented ways) with people. I guess normal people would go out and have a drink with friends in my situation, but that is SO INTENSELY BORING AND COUNTERPRODUCTIVE TO ME. The thought of sitting in a bar drinking to relax just bores me STIFF. But the thought of having a mundane, repetitive job sounds relaxing and wonderful to me. I like counting money and typing on little keypads and scanning things. I would be standing up and lifting things! I would feel so efficient and pleasantly robotic.
I know I have a college education and I don't *have* to get a job like "that", but how can I explain how much I want one sometimes? Sometimes I just want things to be simple, rote. Cashiering is like a video game job.
I can't really afford to take time off from our sites to have a smiling robot job, though. Part of me seductively whispers that maybe it would REFRESH me for my real job here in internet porn. If I knew I wouldn't be pressured to work when I couldn't and I knew I wouldn't have to wash toilets or face product or, god forbid, MOP anything, and I could just work at a checkstand, like, once a week or something . . . I would totally do it.
I feel like I shouldn't be admitting this.
I feel embarrassed about this desire, but today isn't the first time I've felt this way. Lately I have been fantasizing about getting a temporary job doing data entry (there's nothing like that available in our town so it really is just a fantasy). I enjoy the world of what-other-people-consider to-be menial labor. I enjoy the structure of it. And I really like typing. Do you know that? I REALLY LIKE TYPING. I like the sound of it, the feeling of it. I like the cadence of data entry. I like escaping into work that only requires lower-level thinking. I have told myself that I could pretend in my head that I'm only getting a job like that as research for a book, but that would be a lie. I just like learning the little subcultures of wage-earners.
People who've never had normal jobs like this, I'll bet they don't know how fascinating they can be and how interesting the people you work with are. There are the people who are surprisingly interesting, and there are the people who are predictably dull. And I usually like them all. I would never want to feel stuck in a job like that, but those kinds of jobs can be extremely SATISFYING. They're mechanical, manageable, and fun to master.
My job(s) right now? I will never "master" any of them. Sometimes that's really cool and exciting and sometimes it just makes me feel tired and want to cry.
Sometimes I just want to have a stack of work and see it visibly reduced as I complete each piece, one at a time. Sometimes I just want to know when my shift is over. Sometimes I just want to be faster than someone else. Sometimes I just want things to be simple, and to go home and spend the whole night reading a book or watching tv without feeling guilty about it because I should be doing something creative and productive and special. Sometimes I don't feel like I can be productively creative and sometimes I don't want to be special. Sometimes I just want to be a worker bee and enjoy being a well-oiled piece in a bigger machine. Sometimes I want to be able to blame corporate or upper management or just some dickwad above me for my problems and limited range of motion. Sometimes I am just so tired of not having anyone to blame but myself.
Sometimes I just want to know exactly what the people in charge of my paycheck want from me, and to be able to ask them that point blank if I don't. What do you want from me? Sometimes I just want to know who those people are, and have there only be one or two of them. With my job(s) right now, it really is cool and almost divine to be able to make so many people happy in so many different ways, but it makes repeated success complicated and unpredictable. Everyone wants something different and everyone is so many people in so many different time zones. Who are they? What do they want from me NOW? This is not easy, and the only way to make it easy is to only care about yourself in a way that requires turning inward too far.
Sometimes I want to know that I can quit, but the problem is that I can't. I can never and will never quit this job I have now. This is my work and it's what I'm supposed to do with most of my life. Sometimes it's boring to have found your life's work and know that you're never actually going to be GREAT at it. It (in all of the different forms it does and will take) will be special, but it won't be GREAT. The best I can hope for and work towards is that someday it will be more profitable, but money is not as great a motivator as greatness, so these days I move forward very slowly.
Sometimes I'm depressed, and that sometime is now (especially without the wonderful, magical, mood-stabilizing happiness that is hormonal birth control). Sometimes I feel like a failure for being a regular person, and sometimes I feel like I'm about to really EMBRACE being average and become crazily happy with that. Sometimes I am.
"Family & Holidays" sounds like a title for a tired, bitchy entry, but it's not.
I'm not sick of my family, I'm sick of not seeing them as much as I want, as often as I want. Right now we're separated by many miles and large bodies of water (Hood Canal and Puget Sound to get to my sister/nephew/brother-in-law, plus Lake Washington in my mom's case) that take at least a couple of hours one way to traverse.
For the past few years we've celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas on off-days, before or after the actual days on the calendar, so that we wouldn't have to contend with holiday traffic. I've enjoyed that, but now that my sister has a kid and we're planning to have one ourselves and we're all just getting older, I really want to live close together, to be able to walk to each other's houses or at least be within a fifteen-minute drive of each other.
In a bizarre new twist in my fantasy life, I've actually been fantasizing about Thanksgiving and Christmas. About celebrating on the same days everyone else does. Eating turkey at one of our houses, then walking to one of our other houses for pie. I've been fantasizing about the cool outside smell of late November as we walk to my neighbor/sister's house with a big bowl of cranberry sauce. About seeing my nephew, who is now (for real) singing, walking, and signing like crazy, every day.
I fantasize about living close enough to my mom that I can see her in short, fun, frequent bursts, instead of long, painful ordeals built up by ridiculously long drives.
I want to be able to pick up flowers or stupid gadgets during a grocery trip and drop them off at my mom's and sister's houses. I want us to play cards at night with my brother-in-law and sister after the kid(s) have gone to bed. I want to smell each other's houses so often that they all feel like home. I want all of us to get fat and happy eating from each other's tables.
Whenever we drive around town lately I imagine we're driving to my sister's or mom's house, and that we're only a minute away from arriving.
My sister and brother-in-law actually want to move to our town, so that part is settled in terms of goals. When that actually happens, I think our mom will get on board too. The problem right now is of course just money. Part of me feels certain it's completely in my power to make this happen within a couple of years. Another part of me is just so slack and unambitious, I get annoyed with myself.
Part of the problem is I'm pretty content with our lifestyle and what we have so it's difficult to feel motivated to make more money. Yes, I'd like to have our own house, health insurance, no credit card debt and to be near my family, but the reality is I hardly feel the absence of most of those things. I feel pretty fucking comfortable.
In the past I've been motivated by the fear of failure, and since I don't really worry about failing anymore I struggle to feel motivated. I feel like I need to perform a bunch of focused mental acrobatics at this time in my life to encourage myself to run harder and faster to realize my now ultra-mundane dreams. I'm simultaneously frustrated with myself and stultifyingly content. I make myself sick with laziness yet I'm also sickeningly happy. The only thing that seems to light a fire under my ass is watching videos of my one-year-old nephew and missing the chance to see him often while he learns new things.
I've never hated the holidays. Yes, I've hated celebrating birthdays and hated SHOPPING for holidays, but the actual Thanksgivings and Christmases have had so much goodness I can separate them from memories of family dysfunction, like when a huge Thanksgiving fight ended with my grandpa verbally disowning me. My family is smaller and less dysfunctional now, plus I miss my dad who LOVED Christmas and gift-giving; maybe that part of him inhabits me now and urges me into this sentimental frame of mind. I don't want to spend one single Christmas day on the road, I want to spend a whole week with my family, with kids in sleeping bags and no worries about how losing sleep staying up late together on Christmas eve to play Santa will potentially cause a car crash. I want to go to church with my sister, and argue about which one we'll go to. Maybe we'll switch off.
Going to watch a video of nephew then slog through the more mundane aspects of my work, trying to stay focused . . . trying to remember what's MOST important out of the billions of things that are important to me.
I'd like to bone up on my bible verses so I can randomly quote scripture during my masturbation shows. This would be comical, provocative, mysterious, surprising and bizarre -- all of the ingredients for great entertainment. Plus I already have quite a headstart on the memorization of bible verses having attended Awana, vacation bible school, and a couple stints at a "Jesus Camp"like camp as a pre-teen.
Actually, it's been on my to-do list for quite some time to create some bizarre revival-style monologues on video for my site, mixing crazed redneck Christianity with fiendish descriptions of all sorts of sexual perversions, alternately inviting worshipers to repent AND participate in said fiendish sexual scenarios, either with me or in my presence as the cultish lunatic minister. It's a project I'm so fond of, however, that I'm hesitant to do it unless we have the time and money to do it with higher production values and more writing and rehearsal than usual. Not that anyone is clamoring for this type of content, but *I* would love to play that part AND to watch something like that so . . . someday.
I just ripped a fart that actually BURNED whilst exiting my bunghole.
In about an hour I'm leaving for a hair appointment to bleach more blonde into my tresses. It seems just plain wrong to me, considering that the stores just put Halloween candy up on the shelves and I really want to go darker again, but whatever. I'm starting to enjoy switching it up and am thinking that next time I will try more red before going dark again. WWJD?
While Delia and the dog slept, I snuck outside at 2 am to shoot the moon:
She must be camera shy because she ducked behind some clouds as I set up the tripod.
If I were to take up a useless hobby for the sole purpose of pleasuring myself, it would be night photography. Stuff lit by headlights, moonlight, flashlights. And by "stuff" I mean trees, lines painted on roads, and sinister figures under street lamps. It's my impression that you really need to shoot with film to do night photography justice, so I doubt it's something I could really get off on properly without spending a serious amount of time learning real equipment and techniques (which I've not really had to invest a ton of time or money in to shoot porn; we get by with very basic information and an amateur camera).
I have a fear that someday when I finally *do* take up this hobby, that all of the country roads that inspired me to love driving at night as a teenager will be gone. It's a realistic fear.
*Yay! I got my updated credit report today with one derogatory item DELETED since I finally invested the time to write a stupid letter about it (leftover ex-husband stuff; I am so lazy about these things -- so lazy, in fact, I'd probably still be married to him on paper if he hadn't taken the initiative to file the papers; too bad he wasn't as proactive about paying his credit card bills).
*After spending a whole wonderful week away from home and work I was able this morning to pinpoint with clarity a couple of the things that really drain my energy. Number one is the problems we're having with the spycam site we're exhibiting on and the connection instability we've had there for about six months now. It is the worst feeling to greet the day by finding out that your spycams are inexplicably disconnected and you have, in effect, failed to deliver on a promise you've made to your customers. Number two is our freewheeling unscheduled approach to each day; while there are benefits to doing whatever you want WHENEVER you want, it's aggravating and inefficient when you want to do whatever you want WHENEVER you want WITH YOUR PARTNER. I can see now how much of an annoyance and energy-drain it is to me when we interrupt each other in our offices and decide spontaneously we want to do something (eat, go to the gym, go for a walk) when the other person isn't ready for that and HAS NO IDEA WHEN THEY WILL BE. I don't know how much it affects Tucker, but contrasting how relaxed I felt last week with the nuisance factor of today back at home I'm thinking it would be good for us to commit to more of a schedule.
To balance out the attitude of the last post and to change my focus to positive things I look forward to doing, here are some little goals of mine:
WORK ON MY PODCAST: Because I want to and because it's a perfect alternative to dealing with some of the bullshit I griped about in my last post.
BUY REGULAR CLOTHES (AND SHOOT IN THEM): We spend so much money on clothes for shoots that I never feel justified in spending money on clothes to wear on a daily basis since I can't write those off. Result? I kind of feel like a shapeless piece of shit whenever I leave the house. Since good weather is here I'm going to make sure to buy some normal non-fetish clothes and shoes. A secondary goal for that is to shoot more photos and videos wearing (and taking off) normal non-fetish clothes, especially outside. It's kind of strange that I haven't felt justified in doing that since the whole regular broad next door approach is kind of my thing and I'm guessing most of my best members would dig that kind of thing; no idea why I've failed to pursue that angle more often in shoots except that I do like buying the lingerie and slutty stuff to have for shows. And I can write off the whole amount because I never wear that stuff except when I'm on camera in one way or another.
BRING BACK DORK DANCING: We used to schedule dork dancing on our spycams on a near-weekly basis. I don't know if anyone enjoyed it besides us, but we would go cuckoo wacky-dancing and jumping on furniture to fun music for an hour or so. Dancing is good stuff, no matter how silly you look doing it (or maybe it's even better the dorkier you look doing it).
PUT A WEE BIT MORE EFFORT IN OUR CLIP STORE: We already have the videos and clips4sale is a great platform for selling them individually (fyi: it's a much better deal, though, to just join one of our sites and get access to everything at once for basically the cost of two average clip downloads). It's also great inspiration and justification for pursuing odd fetish interests. Thanks to Mina for providing some encouragement and reminders about how to make the clips store worthwhile.
During one of my webcam shows one man, a Bob, asked me to describe my "wildest fantasy".
I told him paying off my credit cards is my biggest, wildest fantasy.
You really need to qualify a question like that if you want to corner me into hot talk during a free group show otherwise I'm going to tell you THE TRUTH. Before he heard my answer he told me that he was my man and all I need to do is go to Georgia to have my "wildest fantasy" fulfilled. By him. By a Bob. Then he gave me someone's phone number for over 500 people in the chatroom to read. I should have called it and said, "that will be $42,621.05 to fulfill me, Bob."
On a *slightly* more erotic note, one of my fantasies is to lavish friends and strangers with gifts. I am particularly fond of fantasizing about gifting former female friends I'm currently estranged from. I want them to know that I love them even though I'm not a good friend. And yes, I do also fantasizing about giving presents to the women I share in-tact friendships with.
I would write a beautiful, detailed list of some of the gifts I want to give some of these women but at least a few of them read this blog and I don't want to ruin the surprise; I intend someday to fulfill these fantasies, wild as they may be.
Fact: Big Kenny of the band Big and Rich had $140,000 in credit card debt when they were making their first album. So don't give me any shit about having all that baggage!!! Debt seriously doesn't kill everyone and anyway, it gives me something to fantasize about that's rife with the thrill of danger!
Right now is one of those moments when I am IN LOVE with my job, my boyfriend, my life and even myself. Pictures like these ones give me an idea of just how good things are and could be with a little more effort. It all seemed wonderfully synchronous to wind up with such retro sets right while I was reading James Ellroy and my mom's house always turns out great light and ambiance.
I know Delia probably won't be as excited about the black and white set as I am because of the harsher less-feminine lines and shadows, but as far as interesting PHOTOS go they are so much fun to look at. Of course, I wind up criticizing the baseboard heater and radios in the background that are from later eras. I always wonder what it would be like to shoot for a couple of hours and only try to get between one and ten really GREAT photos instead of trying to get 75-150 pics designed to lead to a thorough jack-off fantasy. I suppose we could find out, but I'm not really that curious to work it into our schedule.
What I'm more curious about is how cool it would be to invest in a fixer-upper without having any financial pressure to actually fix it up fast; the idea of having an older home that's kind of trashed out with texture to shoot in really appeals to me. Being able to do messy paintjobs and wacky shit without worrying about "ruining" the house would rock. I suppose first we have to be able to afford a house we can actually LIVE in, though.
I thought it important I post some eye candy to mitigate the bitch damage done in my recent entries. I'm making a concerted effort not to be an asshole today, and so far nothing has tested my patience so it's been pleasant. I spent my morning doing a little work, chatting with members and vacuuming (a meditative salve for the stressed-out spirit), then my afternoon was spent lunching (sushi roll and seaweed salad!) exercising (Dance Dance Revolution!), and showering. Tucker made a lovely steak dinner then we went to the store for snacks where we picked up a small bouncy ball for our own amusement and the dog's (more relaxing tonic for the nerves: watching Tucker and Nico playing outside with a ball). And now, Jesus H. Christ, it's night time.
Other accomplishments: shopped for and bought a new blonde wig for Delia, did some costume planning for our next shoot, pooped (twice!), went to the bank, replied to some emails, and concocted some promotional materials. I also drafted twenty-seven blog entries and fifteen podcasts . . . in my head.
The other night I dreamt I was Dick Cheney's mistress. I morphed between being myself and being my friend Mia. Dick was morphing between himself and a variety of covert operatives (who looked nothing like the real Dick Cheney) wearing a suit that was too large for him. Our roles morphed between me chasing him while he was on the lam, and him chasing me while I was on the lam. Escalators were involved. It was hard -- TOO hard -- for us to "connect" and he was often chaperoned by lawmen, either because he was a crook and about to escape or because he needed extra force to take me down for my own crimes.
You'll be surprised to find that I WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH DICK in my dream. At the beginning (when he was paying me for sex) I didn't like him so much but then our "relationship" developed, and in the middle of all that chasing up and down escalators and trying to find a moment alone I realized I just wanted . . . to hold him in my arms.
I'm SO embarrassed and sickened by the strength of a dream to develop a crazy soft spot for sugar-bear Cheney. Ugh!
You'll notice that I was finally able to switch to the new Blogger and am now adding post labels! Yay! It's going to take awhile to finish that project and finally add the category links to the sidebar, but I'm *excited*! The pervs will be able to just go directly to the PHOTOS and SEX entries -- life will be a dream.
Yay -- we're home again after a two-day shooting-spree, bringing us about one third of the way to meeting our Valentine's Day Goal of getting three months ahead on content production for our three main sites.
The place we rented was HEAVENLY, and I loved getting up this morning with no computers or cams to go check . . . just padding around in a clean pretty house after a lovely night of sleep in a perfectly firm and tidy bed. It was the kind of house that makes you feel like your life would be perfect if you could wake up there every day . . . if it belonged to you with its pretty colors and clean linens and someone else to do the housekeeping. While I pretended it was my house, Tucker had to go home and let the dog pee. When he came back to our pretend house, it was in our beater truck instead of our beater van and he bore the bad news that our van broke down. Again.
The reality of our precarious situation crashed down onto my head as we filled the dirty cab of the truck so full with our suitcases, lighting equipment, etc. that there was barely room for us to squeeze inside. But whatever. Things will get better. Someday we'll have reliable transportation. But before that we'll have three fucking months of content queued up for updates and won't be scurrying three times a week to shoot half-assed shit just so we have something to post. More time to make money (for a new camera and, you know -- a car that runs), more time to shoot FOR FUN and with a little more ambition, and a lot less tension and anxiety. More time to do other stuff, like chat with members and do private shows and phone sex -- things I really miss (like writing more interesting blog entries). But all I care about right now is meeting that goal of getting ahead on content; we have just over two week to achieve that before Valentine's Day strikes, and then we should be able to stay on top of it with some focused effort (maybe two or three days of focused shooting each month with spontaneous stuff thrown in for good measure, and the freedom to experiment a little more without worrying that we've "wasted" a shoot trying something new or strange).
So. Now I'm waiting for the tow truck to get here to haul our van to the mechanic's. I haven't had a safe and reliable car for about six years and I'm getting really sick of this shit. It's not a very big deal because we work at home, but it has become a larger issue since my nephew was born (and lives hours away) and my grandma is sick (and lives hours away). Right now, at this very moment, I'm not sure if I want to rip my hair out or just shrug it off and remind myself it will all be okay.
Thanks to my cool, encouraging fellow chathost FuzzyBunny, you're going to have an opportunity to read this blog, an irregularly kept journal detailing some of the pertinent details in the life of a VCH (video chathost).
SCARY BUT TRUE!: I like chathosting so much I requested a two month leave of absence from my real "work". I have been there over five years and am BORED. I need to do something wild . . . bohemian. . . scandalous. So I've got two months to see if I can support myself (pay for health care, taxes, etc. . . ) by "working" on iFriends. If I can make enough money chathosting (and other related ventures), I will quit my job. If I can't, I'll go back to the mundane uncreative life of a middle-manager in a manufacturing environment. Blech! If that happens I will probably not continue chathosting but will devote myself to pursuing an MBA and climbing up the corporate ladder. Oh well, at least I will have something fun to talk about at my 10 year class reunion which will be rearing its ugly head in a matter of months.
"So what did you end up doing with *YOUR* college education?" "Me? Well I juggle phone-sex with stroking my snatch in real-time on the internet!"
My goal is to make fed ex. Every week. (for those of you out-of-the-know, iFriends Fed-ex's our paychecks to us if we make a certain amount of money).
CONFESSION: this goal was not made completely for practical ecomonic purposes. Ahem. It's actually because the Fed-Ex boy is fucking gorgeous. I thought he was going to invite himself right into my apartment last time he came over. Hehehehe. He kept standing on his tiptoes and bobbing his head up and over to peer around me and try to see into my den of vice. "I love your beaded curtains!" Wet and weak-kneed, I wanted to croon back at him, "and I love your jaunty uniform, big boy!".
NIGHT PERSON: I love working at home. Mostly because I'm a night person and I can't *STAND* waking up early in the morning. . . when I have to wake up early NOTHING goes right! The timing is all wrong! For example, right after I take a shower I have to take a dump. I have no coordination in the morning either. Curling my hair with a hot iron is *disastrous*. It's like my nerve endings haven't warmed up yet so I end up with faux hickeys on my neck where I accidentally held the curling against my skin because I was too tired to hold my arm up that high for too long and I didn't have fast enough reaction time to get the fucker off my skin before it burned me.
Or maybe I'm just uncoordinated. I was standing naked in my bathroom curling my hair the other day (it wasn't morning so I can't use that not-a-morning-person defense) and just DROPPED the curling iron right onto my tit. Yelp!!! Now I have a lovely burn on my upper breast. Beautiful. But as long as my boob isn't blistered I guess it's okay. Not aesthetically pleasing, but okay . . .
LAPTOPS & COFFEE HOUSES: Designing a pornographic website while seated in a coffee shop can be . . . difficult, to say the least. And it can be downright humiliating if the nude hooters flashing on my monitor obviously belong to MOI!
Working from home can be somewhat . . . confining . . . and LONELY! So why not drag the laptop out for a caffeine fix and do some work while people watching? Well . . . the answer is simple . . . *I* ended up being the person of choice to watch. Despite my best attempts to be inconspicuous, the seating arrangement did not allow me to have my back to a wall with no possibilities of laptop spying from either side. So I chose to huddle down into a cushy chair with the monitor pointed, well . . . towards the street-side sidewalk-bordering picture window. I swear, I thought the angle would make it impossible for any of the people outside to gawk while I dragged my T&A around on the screen.
I was SO wrong!!! An Arquette-ish tall gent in a trench coat approached me and crouched down to cushy-chair eye-level to diplomatically begin telling me with a certain amount of halting discomfort, "I'm uhh . . . . not saying you have to *STOP*, but ummm. . . I'm the assistant manager here and well . . . you did seem to be *trying* to be ummm. . . well . . . discreet but ummm. . . we can see what you're doing from outside. And I just thought you might be more comfortable if ummm. . . you moved over ummmm. . . over to a different spot? I'm not saying you have to stop but I thought you'd want to know . . ."
After being branded the slut-with-bad-judement or a complete exhibitionistic pervert, I was a little defensive. So when my glance lingered later on a cute poet-like young man and he responded to my eye contact with a sweet compliment, I fairly roared back at him, "WHAT????!!!!!". Certain that he had wandered in from outside after getting an eyeful of my nudie pics, I felt sure he hadn't said what he re-stated, oh shit, "You have really nice eyes." Still defensive, I said "Oh!!! Well I thought you said I had a really nice ass!"
The poor guy was perplexed and no longer interested in my nice eyes and apparent lack of enculturation in the subtleties of coffeehouse come-ons. He put me right in my place, "No!. You're sitting down!" Obviously all he could see of my ass was that it was sunk into the cushy chair.