Friday, July 18, 2008
We had a great visit with Delia
's family. My sister and brother-in-law loaned us Mr. Squishypants (their two year-old son/our nephew) which makes socializing so much easier; he's beautiful, charming and a joy to be around. We had dinner together then went to a big park in Seattle and played until it got dark and we could see the full moon between the trees.
At that point Delia's uncle, a slightly grizzled, mildly-boozy-from-dinner Iowa farmer, shook Mr. Squish's hand and solemnly looked him in they eye, saying he's a wonderful boy and hoped he'd see him again soon. Mr. Squishypants returned a firm chubby-fingered grip and nodded his own head in slow, somber agreement, his big blue eyes level as he said, "yeah". He says "yeah" a lot these days. He used to say "dick" or "dickle" when he meant "yes", but recently he replaced "dickle" with the standard "yeah". Anyway, it was moving seeing an expression on his little face that conveyed something like, "we served in the war together, buddy, and saw things we'll never speak of when we get home to our families, but I will never forget you. I'm glad I saved your life once, and you mine." It was like unexpectedly witnessing a secret handshake between two people you never would have guessed had met somewhere before or had a common bond.
It just fucking amazes me how kids learn to communicate, not just with words, but by mimicking our nonverbal language. Sometimes by removing the knowledge of the meaning behind the language a kind of universal human truth is spoken. Mr. Squishypants and Delia's uncle shared a solemn moment full of mutual respect and human connection that transcended what was spoken and understood. They made a connection and I witnessed it (because I was holding him in my arms at the time so they were face to face), the way his angelic little face dipped as he bowed his head slightly to say, "yeah" and he blinked his eyes for only a moment, the rest of the time maintaining eye contact -- it was so full of intuitive wisdom. On one hand it makes you think about how little substance there is to our interactions, that it's all a meaningless charade we teach each other and find compelling when someone does a good job of acting it out. On the other hand it makes you wonder how much meaning is created in a big and powerful way by the emotional response we have to witnessing and performing these interactions. Like when we smile out of obligation even when we don't mean it and somehow we feel better inside for doing it. Yes, we're machines whose behavior can be shaped, but why dwell on our mundane construction when our experiences FEEL so profound? I can intellectualize it and scoff at it as simpleminded copycatting barely more advanced than tricks you can teach a dog, but watching my nephew shake hands or raise a glass to his fellows and say, "cheers!" or high five people or DANCE is like cuddling with divinity, whether such a thing exists or not.
And have you ever noticed how much two year old bodies resemble monkeys? The way their legs and toes move. The way they bend at the waist. How can you avoid trusting, even if just for a moment, in both evolution and God when you see that? A little monkey with my grandma's face, my sister's face, his dad's face, even my face. Layers of the gift of immortality, or at least its illusion.
If I'm not pregnant, my period will probably start today
. Also, here's another post over on Fertile(?)Trixie if you'd like to read about my paranoia regarding orgasms and implantation
Labels: family, full moon, immortality, relationships, spiritual issues, trying to conceive
Monday, September 24, 2007
A Dark Blue Blur
A DARK BLUE BLUR
Last week we revived our backyard spycam for members. We don't have it on the highest-quality spycam site so it's not as pretty as before, but you can still see the time of day and weather we're experiencing in our world and even the moon (a circle of white in a field of darkness accompanied by a reflection of the light from the webcam in the window; note: photo above is NOT from our spycam).
Last night we spent some time in bed together holding hands with the lights off and the curtains open, just staring up at the clouds and fog passing between us and the moon and listening to a soundtrack of spacey new age music (I'll give a link to my iMix when I get it), breathing deeply and eventually falling asleep. We have a pretty fucking awesome view from our bed, I must say.
I've been off the pill for about four months now; am I imagining that my body hair is thicker and more expansive than before? Seriously, my pits, pubes and facial hair seem a whole lot thicker and spread farther afield than while I was on birth control. Does anybody know if that is a normal thing to have happen when you stop taking the pill?
Hormones and gender are on my mind a lot these days because of Delia
being in the process of transition and about to go on female hormones herself. It's made me think more about my own gender identity and question things I might otherwise take for granted, like the simple process of my own hair growth. I'm not a very hairy person, but I am quite a bit hairier than my mom and sister. My facial hair isn't dark or noticeable, but I have a lot of blonde fuzz on my face, to the point where it shocks people when the light hits it just right and they see how much of it there is. It makes me wonder how much of my differences from my mom and sister is a different mix of genetic traits and how much of it is a different blend of hormones.
Speaking of hormones, I'm in the midst of my third whirl with PMS since going off the pill (so no, we're not yet pregnant). I *really* miss my steady diet of hormones and am having a relatively difficult time without them. I don't just suffer for a week -- no, my mood swings, depression, and murderous impulses dog me for (what feels like) weeks in an exhaustingly unpredictable manner. I can reassure you that it's not every moment of every day (hence the unpredictability) and life is sweet and peachy in so many ways, but overall I'm having a pretty hard time. It could be worse, I know, but I'd like it to be better. An example of my out-of-whack emotions: my eyes filled with tears last night when the clouds thickened enough to completely blot out our view of the moonlight. I would have started sobbing uncontrollably if not for worrying that Delia and our voyeurs would think I was crazy.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) morning I'm going to be in the chatroom if you feel like keeping each other company. Here's our schedule
if you want more details.
Labels: announcements, body hair, chat, family, full moon, health, mundane, music, spycams
Monday, August 27, 2007
Ooooh, it's been a while since I last posted.
How come? Because my one year old nephew has been here since Wednesday and we just took him back home today. While he was here he was our sun and we revolved completely around him.
Speaking of great spheres in the sky worth worshiping, we're hoping to catch the lunar eclipse tonight. I might have to catch up on some sleep before that, though, and set an alarm to wake up for it because I'm exhausted.I probably don't need to mention it, but I've not written or responded to any email in about a week unless it was urgent. We'll get back into the groove tomorrow, though, AND all of our cams and audio are back up now that Mr. Squishypants is no longer in residence.
Labels: family, full moon, mundane, thanksgiving
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Taken on Sunday night, around midnight:
We half-planned to do a nudie shoot in the moonlight last night, but scrapped that in favor of cuddling and going to sleep much earlier than we would have if we'd have trekked somewhere to shoot. Also, I wanted to have as much energy as possible for my planned-at-the-last-minute trip to Seattle today to help celebrate my sister's birthday. Delia's not coming with me since Cedar and I are going to spend the majority of our day at a spa. Not just any spa, either; I intend to use all of their hot rooms and hot pools to the full extent of their heat-giving capacities before I get pregnant since I won't be allowed to steam or sauna or hot-tub it once I'm "with child" (or rapidly dividing cells or whatever).
Anyway, I think I'm going to try to set aside as many days surrounding the full moon next month as possible for shooting, and try not to have any distractions heaped up on those days. Even with it being July, the wind can be biting here in the middle of the night so if we ARE going to get some nude or partially nude moonlight sets, we only have a couple of months to do it without it being too cold to be fun. Also, we don't really know what we're doing in terms of taking the pictures and having them actually turn out, so I can't really count on being able to use any of the pictures anyway.
I'll be back home either tonight (late) or (probably) tomorrow. Must get as much squishy nephew cuddling as possible. Maybe being around the cutest one-year-old in the whole wide world will boost my fertility.
Labels: family, full moon, mundane, night photography, pets, PHOTOS
Sunday, July 29, 2007
While Delia and the dog slept, I snuck outside at 2 am to shoot the moon:
She must be camera shy because she ducked behind some clouds as I set up the tripod.
If I were to take up a useless hobby for the sole purpose of pleasuring myself, it would be night photography. Stuff lit by headlights, moonlight, flashlights. And by "stuff" I mean trees, lines painted on roads, and sinister figures under street lamps. It's my impression that you really need to shoot with film to do night photography justice, so I doubt it's something I could really get off on properly without spending a serious amount of time learning real equipment and techniques (which I've not really had to invest a ton of time or money in to shoot porn; we get by with very basic information and an amateur camera).
I have a fear that someday when I finally *do* take up this hobby, that all of the country roads that inspired me to love driving at night as a teenager will be gone. It's a realistic fear.
Labels: escapism, fantasies, full moon, goals, night person, photography, PHOTOS