My name is Trixie (aka TastyTrixie). The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more.
The other day I treated myself to a trip to the spa as a reward for being 33% of the way to my June 1st weight loss goal. I decided to get a body wrap for health reasons (it helps you detox) and out of curiosity since I'd never done it.
I knew going into it that I *might* really hate being wrapped up like a mummy and mostly-immobilized for forty minutes, but I also knew I *might* really enjoy it and, at the very least, could endure it without feeling as though I'd been placed in a straitjacket.
By the time my appointment rolled around at 4 pm I'd been soaking, sweating, reading, and steaming at the spa since 10 am (I should've made my body wrap & massage appointment beforehand but was afraid to in case I couldn't figure out how to pay for it or wanted to do something else instead so 4 pm was the earliest they could get me in) and was GIDDY with anticipation.
The girl explained what was in the mud (mugwort, seaweed and a bunch of other stuff I can't recall), instructed me to disrobe and sit on the massage table (on top of a sheet of plastic on top of a metallic emergency blanket on top of MORE blankets) with my back to her. She warned me to expect the mud to be fairly "warm" because it cools off so quickly, then she started slathering hot goop on my shoulders, back, and arms. She had me lie down after that so she could apply it to the rest of my body. Right before she smeared it on my boobs, she prepared me to anticipate the touch in a nursey-kindergarten voice: I'll just apply some to your breasts now . . . (circle, circle).
After she got it all over me except RIGHT between my legs, the soles of my feet and my face, she closed the plastic around me, then the reflective blanket, then the other blankets and towels until I was thoroughly cocooned with only my head sticking out. She asked if I wanted a pillow or for her to bring water or tea when she came back to check on me in ten minutes. Then she turned out the lights (as I requested) and left me alone in the dark, unable to move. AND TRAPPED WITH A TERRIBLE CD OF ROMANTIC/NEW-AGEY GUITAR MUSIC CRAP.
The first ten minutes were pleasant (except for the hideous music). I didn't even attempt to move, afraid I would make myself itchy and be unable to scratch myself. I could see how easily I could become panicked if the slightest carnival-ride twist had been added to it (it WAS April Fool's Day, after all). Like if she'd laughed maniacally before she left and I could hear the door being locked from the outside. Or if weird scrubby things began to descend from the ceiling towards me. Or if the walls just started shrinking inwards. I kept my eyes closed JUST IN CASE so I wouldn't have to see anything like that happening. Or if a man with a bunch of surgical tools were to simply walk in, bend over my face and start whispering at me you can't move you can't move you can't get away from me or my tools! and just put his hands heavily on my chest.
So yeah . . . this might help explain to you PART of why I'm not interested in being bound. Because it would be way too fucking easy for someone to scare me psycho. I can happily lie motionless for hours, but FORCE me to -- restrict my mobility -- and I might freak the fuck out. Part of me can appreciate the appeal, imagine experimenting with it under very specific conditions, and be tempted by the psychological challenge of it and another part of me just thinks the (psychological) risk is not at all worth the scariness. I feel the same way about LSD. It sounds really interesting but I think I might be a little too vulnerable to bad side effects. The body wrap at the women-only spa is about as far as I can go.
One time I did let someone bind my hands behind my back with his leather belt (a natural outgrowth to him of my spanking and man's-leather-belt fetish, but to me it was just not the direction I was interested in going once I was face down on his bed -- it was crazily exciting, but the fear of having my arms locked behind me that way and of him possibly being able to put his weight on me and smother me was just too fucking freaky for me and I begged for mercy so it didn't last long. I was far more interested in being whipped with the belt (but not to the point of bruising or bleeding), but he wasn't so much into that so that little experiment didn't last very long. I know that some of you are thinking I just didn't do it with the RIGHT person, someone I TRUST. But the point is a) my imagination doesn't trust ANYBODY, and b) testing my boundaries on this is NOT as important to me as preserving them. For a whole lot of reasons. Thinking about it is provocative, but I am (and always have been) more interested in having force applied to me in a psychological way (and even more so applying it to others) in ridiculous role plays. I like being bound by RULES and structure. I like things that happen inside my HEAD way more than things that happen to my body. Or maybe I'm just lazy. I don't know. Woops. Now that I've written this I can recall a few different instances where I've been bound in different ways and liked it. Hmmmm . . . still, not exactly my "thing".
Back to the spa.
The first time the girl came in to check on me she brought me tea with a straw that she lowered to my mouth. I wasn't prepared for it and giggled because THAT is totally hot to me, being treated like an invalid. I wasn't prepared and dribbled tea down the side of my face, then I got her to change the CD to a variety of new agey music I enjoy -- Shamanic Dreams or something like that. She asked if the level of heat was okay (yes - warm and cozy) and again if I wanted a pillow (this time? yes).
When she left I decided to try to sleep since I'd only gotten three hours the night before. And sleep I did, for a few minutes. Let me tell you, it was NOT pleasant waking up mummified, sweating like a pig in a strange dark room with weird pagan drum music going on. I decided not to go to sleep again and couldn't wait for her to come back. When she did I asked for the heat to be turned down. She did, and blotted the sweat from my forehead and cheeks with a cool cloth (yummmmm . . . more pampered-invalid feelings). I wanted to ask her if anybody had ever lost control of their bowels while getting a wrap but decided against it, fearing she'd think I was planning something disgusting. Still, the thought was entertaining. I know SOMEONE, somewhere has done that on accident or on purpose, and I'd really love to hear about it.
Note: I'm far more likely to experiment with and enjoy shitting in a warm, plastic-wrapped bed than with being tied up. Just an FYI. I don't PLAN on doing either, but a warm bed of crap seriously sounds more fun to me than letting someone tie me up. Maybe I'm just a loner with a short attention span, though, and wallowing in my own poop is an experience I could live fully in five to ten minutes by myself whereas the whole bondage scene requires time and at least one other person. I guess there are some things I could do to myself, but again, I'm too lazy and disinterested for that. Plus, scat is just a whole lot edgier than bondage and I like the idea of being able to make people think by gleefully confessing I've shat myself for the pure, HAMRLESS fun of it. It's stupid, but poop is so much more taboo (and illegal/obscene) than bondage these days. Again, I HAVE NO PLANS TO DO THAT. I'm just comparing/contrasting. For fun.
Anyway, I survived the last twenty minutes without losing my mind, going back and forth between feeling blissed-out and on-the-verge of screaming, "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!" I kept reminding myself of what good "exercise" it was for me and how much healthier I'd be afterwards. I worried that I'd be so sick of lying there that I wouldn't enjoy my massage afterwards (but it actually worked the other way, made the massage seem longer and way better). Basically I endured the procedure a little bit more than I enjoyed it. If I get a body wrap again I will definitely bring my own cd with guided meditations or something so my mind won't wander to torture scenes.
Finally she came in to unwrap me and I went down the hall naked to the shower with the glass-door making my clean-up efforts visible to anyone who walked by. I decided to pee in the shower instead of wasting my massage time putting on a robe and traipsing down to the restroom, but I worried about it, wondering how many other people do/don't pee in the post-wrap shower, worrying that there'd be some way they'd know I did and would talk about that disgusting customer with the long toenails who peed in the shower. Silly fears, but still. I have them. Which goes to show you just how very VERY far away I am from ever pooping in a plastic-wrap cocoon.
After the anxiety of the day BEFORE the spa and the super-extended stay I had there, I was in recovery mode all day yesterday, totally drained and exhausted and verging on a big fat headache. If you've never gotten body work, steamed, soaked, detoxed, etc. then you probably thing I sound like a fucking crybaby asshole, complaining about how TIRED I am after spending a day doing something that sounds like pure luxury to most Americans but that shit is MEDICINE. My throat and eyes burn after all the gunk inside me is dislodged and stirred up and swirled around and sucked out. It feels like preparation to go into hibernation, like the final step in this cleansing/healing process is to go into an induced coma for two days.
The spa experience is totally my cup of tea, though. The front desk lady seemed to think I was crazy for wanting to stay there for more than eight hours, but since I go so rarely it hardly seems excessive. It takes me awhile to really turn my brain off and melt into it, so that cuts down on the time I'm really benefiting from it, but it's exactly my idea of the perfect mini-vacation. Alone, not talking to anybody, with scads of naked ladies walking around, walking from one hot room to another, from one pool to another, being ministered to by talented, paid hands, smelling good things, and trying to become invisible to myself.
Last week I was in a hurry to have an orgasm, so I went to *quickly* find a free amateur video of some stranger (ANY stranger) jerking himself off. This video, "A Tribute to Jodie", looked like a winner so I grabbed my eroscillator, shoved it under the waistband of my sweats, and pressed play.
The "tribute" part of the title gave me a good hint what I'd be watching: a guy at home with his webcam recording himself jacking off onto one of his favorite photos of a camgirl or pornstar. I've seen these things before and have always been fascinated by them.
LET ME REITERATE: I was not in the mood to be choosy about selecting the video; I wanted to get off as soon as possible with anything remotely visually stimulating and obscene. As long as it was a closeup of a guy jerking his cock, I didn't care. For a quick cum, homemade jerkoff videos are surefire winners for me because they're usually the right length: they get right down to business with no distractions. Even better, there's an extreme element of voyeurism for me especially when the guy is using a toy (like tiny fake pussies) or in some way sharing a method that is in some way humiliating/exposes more about him than just his cock. I love seeing a guy's private masturbation ritual. The tribute thing? If I were a guy I would try to keep that secret and would be *totally* embarrassed to admit, let alone SHOW MYSELF OFF, doing it. Because it seems so humiliating to me, I *love* watching it. The notion that some guy is so fucking crazed by his desire to get off that he will DO something so ridiculously contrived and teenage-insane makes me incredibly hot.
Having said that, the LAST thing I want is for someone to record such a tribute to me if they're planning to inform me of it/beg me to watch it. Noooooooooo, please! NO! Don't ever do that! If you do, don't do it expecting me to masturbate to it or tell you that it made me hot. The best you can hope for is that I'll laugh and thank you for doing me the "honor". Being put into a situation where I will feel *obligated* to watch it and issue a polite response (or even worse, a big description of how it made me masturbate) would totally ruin the whole thing for me. The whole point of masturbating is to DO IT ALONE, whenever you want to, without having to interact with someone. I do not want other people picking out my masturbation fodder for me because I will get all tense thinking the person expects me to drop everything and go wank. When I masturbate? I do not want to feel obligated to anyone or under pressure to perform or to flatter someone else (especially when they've done something as grotesque as defile my image by splattering it with their cum). I don't want someone watching me while I take my two fully-clothed minutes slouched in my site with my hands down my sweatpants. The last thing I want is someone emailing me over and over again, "have you watched my tribute to you yet? I can't wait for you to see it!", or, "oh darn! I missed it! Can you do it again so I can see? After all, I recorded that JUST FOR YOU and I want to see you cum to me while I cum on you! Thanks babes!"
The whole hot thing about watching videos like these is that they *are* kind of gross. I *don't* want to be there. I *don't* want a stranger's ejaculate on me. I *don't* want to synchronize our orgasms in real time. The whole point of watching porn, for me, is to NOT be involved with someone else. I can't lie -- there's definitely a freak show element to the whole thing, and I mean "freak" in the most normal sense of the word; the solitary freak we all have/are when we're alone (and if you don't have that freak element to you? I totally cannot relate).
I know all of this sounds crazy given that I have been broadcasting spycams since 2002, so obviously? People DO watch me masturbate! The thing of it is (and always has been) that the reason I do a lot of what I do is because *I* am a voyeur at heart. I offer these things because they are what I seek, not so much because I am an exhibitionist (which of course I *am*, a little, but not to the extent that I'm a voyeur). I know I would like to catch someone at her desk, awkwardly masturbating and not acknowledging me at all. I do not want it to be sexy or a "show", I want it to be authentic and authenticity is often measured in my book by how ugly it is. The more unattractive it is, the better. As the masturbator? I expect the voyeurs not to try to engage me during this process. It's *private*. That's the whole *point*. It's not supposed to look like porn, it's supposed to be real, and for it to be real, you cannot interrupt or inject yourself into the scene.
One of the things that continues to be a challenge for me as a webwhore is being able to share my turn-ons without making them sound like an invitation OR an insult. I'm a very solitary, private person in many ways, so I sometimes get overwhelmed trying to preserve alone-time; I wind up going too far in my attempts to maintain distance, to the point where it backfires on me and sometimes hurts people's feelings. How do I explain that I love watching guys jacking off on ink-rippled homemade print-outs of naked chicks or faces with their mouths open, but that when I masturbate to this I don't want to turn it into an interactive event? How do I then qualify that to say, "UNLESS you're paying me to interact with you while you do that, in which case it's totally hot!" (which is true; if you pay for my time, providing I have ample amounts of it free, then I *prefer* doing shows where I get to watch someone else masturbate; I just don't want to do that when I have a sudden 2-5 minutes when I desperately need to bust my own private girl nut).
I drafted the above entry almost a year ago and never finished/posted it. Like a lot of public posts about "what makes me horny", I feel compelled to ruin the hotness by outlining boundaries to preserve what's left of my . . . personal space, I guess you'd call it.
The weird thing is that not long after I wrote this my feeling about it changed. I became very interested in the concept of guys jerking off on my pictures and wasn't sure I wanted to send a message totally discouraging it. It's something I would like to see without them knowing I'm seeing/hearing it. I do not want to be under pressure to respond to it, but in certain situations I think I'd enjoy that, perhaps if the jerker paid for a phone call for me to (gently but pointedly) humiliate him for doing it. Or INSTRUCTED him to do it again. Maybe on the same picture. Because if I were going to TELL someone to jerk off on my picture(s), I'd make sure he knew he's not allowed to throw any of these photos away. Instead he'd have to keep every single one, including pictures of other women (with a few men thrown in for good measure). And maybe if his printer ran out of ink he'd have to reuse an already-jerked-on print-out.
This idea became so exciting to me, I began to think I'd like to collect videos of people jerking off on our pictures to post in the members-only area TrixiesHouseboy. Or sending us pictures of themselves (a la Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in Happiness) in front of a whole wall of damp printouts glued up with cum.
Part of me is telling myself you don't REALLY want to see that, Trixie. You really don't. And another part is quite certain she does.
I'm glad there's still no clear winner from yesterday's pick-me-a-blog-topic post because I don't have enough time to blog or masturbate or do anything enjoyable except snatch some tv while we're eating as therapy to recover from the stress of . . . not having enough time/having time sucked up by STUPID stuff. Uncreative, unsexy, uninspiring, frustrating, lame-ass, stupid stuff.
Specifically? Too many hours spent over three (not consecutive, phew!) days replacing our router. Summing it up in one sentence like that hardly seems fair to me and only makes ME look stupid. Like only a dumb fuck could lose days of work on what sounds like such a simple little task. But it wasn't simple (and even when it was, it was still excruciatingly time and money-consuming) and was connected to many other things. Being a camgirl/pornographer? So not fucking glamorous most of the time. And it's not just me: pretty much all of my fellow camgirl/pornographer friends are constantly battling the same obnoxious tech shit that interrupts the fun parts of our jobs and makes us all want to just go bathe in gravy-covered carbs. Tech problems are the ultimate turn-off.
Sometimes when my eyeballs feel like they're about to pop out of my head from the force of my frustration and I start hyperventilating and looking around for things to throw out the window (or AT the window while it's still closed so they'll both make satisfyingly loud shattering sounds), I try to calm down by asking myself, "what would I do if I were an Officer on the Starship Enterprise? I certainly wouldn't behave like this, even if WebWhore Headquarters were about to blow up in forty-five seconds!" Patience! Faith in one's own problem-solving abilities! Barely a sense of urgency: just a confident, one-step-at-a-time pursuit of a solution with nary a raise in my heart rate.
So far this technique hasn't worked for me. But maybe someday it will; it's dorky enough that it might do the trick when nothing else can. Or maybe I just shouldn't skip my Ritalin.
Tomorrow night we're going to *try* to trek to Ron's to do some shooting for IMakePorno. Hopefully I'll have gotten most of my "asshole" out of my system today, part of my tax return done (I *have* to get that done, like, yesterday), my hair colored (it's the color of faded, sun-dried feces from a malnourished cat right now) and have time to pack and plan before we get there.
I am a Starfleet Officer, though. I can do anything.
Actually, I'm like an unholy (and super-irritating) union between Barclay, O'Brien (cranky DS9, O'B) and Quark. Sprinkled with the annoyingly pompous, bossy, hypercritical, controlling, buttinsky loudness of Kira and Riker.
Yes, you *should* feel sorry for my friends and family.
I found this video while researching fat belly fetish movies to get ideas for a small plumper site I want to make with my chubby pictures:
Like the last video I posted, I know it's just supposed to be "funny" but I actually adore it (and think the sprinkler and body slam shots were *hot*); you can always count on me to love videos of people dancing and grooving without trying to look cool. I mean, I also love watching people dance better, but even more I love seeing regular people expressing themselves and making their whole bodies giggle and shriek.
I always intended to make a chubby Trixie site, but I have lots of ideas that I don't have time for so I've never done anything with it (even though I have a couple of domains that are perfect for it: JellyRollJane.com and RubenX.com. Right now my belly is probably bigger than it's ever been, though, so I have a few more photos than usual I've been reluctant to post on my regular site AND I'm constantly trying to hide how big it is during shoots; that's SILLY since it would be so easy for us to take about 25 more pictures each shoot that EMPHASIZE my belly fat and would be marketable to a unique audience.
I do feel guilty and self-conscious about even admitting I want to segregate my roly-poly belly pictures from my other photos (the ones where I don't make a point of showing how big my pot belly is); I know that a lot of people like the belly fat and I know that I'm always talking the big talk about sharing myself in all of my natural glory (hence the almost-in-your-face menstruation stuff, etc.) BUT I'm definitely reluctant to highlight rolls of belly fat, cellulite and double chins in the members-only area of TastyTrixie.com. It's still all *there*; I'm not actually hiding it from members (and I do have some fairly in-your-face chub pics and galleries), I'm just not sure about taking it to the next level of really fetishizing those parts of myself and the truth is that I kind of want to.
I remember the first time we shot photos meant to augment the sight of my belly fat; it was SO AWESOME, the feeling of letting go and letting it all hang out instead of sucking it in and drawing attention to anything BUT my belly. Because I am quite chubby looking right now, I could really stand to have some fun with it instead of worrying about people who join my site not anticipating they're getting a chubby chick. And people? Don't even try to reassure me about this one; I'm just being realistic; YES I know there are lots of people who will adore me no matter what. Unfortunately I am neither in-shape NOR fat enough to turn-on chubby chasers to the extent of making a real living off of it. I am average; the best I can hope for with my site when it comes to my body is to attract members who are aroused by an average body type; I'm pretty sure most of those guys can tolerate and/or are aroused by a little extra padding but a REALLY bulging belly with an obvious overhang and many rolls of fat? I think that would alienate and turn-off a lot of my audience; Lord only knows I already do enough to alienate and turn-off my fans so adding the really big taboo of fat on top of that is probably not a wise business decision. Again, it's not that I don't show off fatness on my site (you know I love showing off the backphat, especially) but I'm concerned that if I take it much farther (belly-jiggling videos, videos of me overeating/talking about how much I love to eat/describing how I'm getting bigger, hiding toys & dildos in my folds, pooching out my belly as far as it will go, etc.) that people will be . . . confused.
I started compiling more fat-focused photo galleries today and it felt SO GOOD to look FOR really chubby pics instead of hoping not to come across them. Looking at pictures of my belly hanging over my waistband suddenly became a joy instead of a nuisance simply because I started looking at them from the perspective of people who specifically SEEK OUT that look for masturbation fodder.
While I do have some reservations about catering to fat fetishists, if I just make a small collection available OFF my main site then it won't require a lot of time or long-term commitment (and I won't have to pay for the fall-out of alienating the average-body fans). Part of me just really wants to give expression to the growing magnificence of this part of my body along with some of my food fantasies. I have a lot of specialty interests (gloves, bubblegum, stockings, feet, taboo roleplays, and numerous underground fetishes) but my chub is something I feel especially suited to explore right at this moment in time.
It will be a good experiment, anyway, and for those of you who *do* want to see it and are already members? I will figure out how to share it with by request and/or some of it will show up on TastyTrixie anyway in spite of my reservations and/or could be combined with FertileTrixie; the pregnancy fetish is complex enough that it also encompasses people who like seeing women growing/inflating and might crossover enough with the fat belly stuff I'm doing that it will all meld together in a delicious vat of plump 'n pregnant stew.
Shit -- I hope I'm not talking this up too much and getting people's hopes up; I'm not talking about investing a whole lot of time in making special content like this so DON'T GET TOO EXCITED all ye fans of fat! I'm just looking forward to shooting some stuff that doesn't require me to try to be attractive from head to toe and allows me to express another part of my personality. Fetish stuff can be such a relief to shoot because people don't spend as much time looking at "the whole package"; you are beautiful to them just for having the right color of nail polish or a strong prescription for glasses . . . or an abundance of skin folds and wobbly flesh around your midsection.
On top of all of that, I have always wanted to see more porn featuring women who are truly average/just a little bit overweight and in porn? That's kind of hard to find since the industry focuses on extremes.
I know there are some twisted thoughts in this post and some unclear/contradictory thinking so yeah; I know my feelings, values and thoughts are muddled and maybe fucked up. If anyone wants to leave comments, I'm most interested in looking at this from a business point of view and hearing from people who consider themselves BBWs AND from fans on whether or not belly fat turns YOU on -- I don't want to hear polite reassurances (though I thank you for your kindness), only the truth if it turns you OFF or if it's really something you dig.
Here are a/the few books on my recently-finished stack:
SHE'S NOT THERE - Jennifer Finney Boylan If you saw me burst into tears in the past two days, it was because I was so touched by some of the stories in this book about a male-to-female transsexual author/professor. It's nice to read a book revolving around a personal "special interest" story and have the person writing actually be, ummm, a writer rather than some chick with no background in writing who just has a unique tale to tell. I'm not saying it's a brilliant or utterly flawless book, just that it's very good, highly readable, and transcends its subject matter. Maybe, though, I'm not qualified to convincingly say it's relevant to people with no interest in gender issues or personal experience with trans people, but I think it's a solid book with characters and challenges recognizable to everybody: worth recommending to anyone (but especially people who are star-struck by and interested in authors).
A GUIDE TO QUALITY, TASTE & STYLE - Tim Gunn with Kate Moloney I've firmly been in woman (as opposed to girl) territory for a few years now and am becoming more concerned with the way I present myself (and more righteously justified in focusing more effort on my style since I am, after all, an "entertainer" of the (supposedly) sexy visual kind. I'm beginning to recognize that having a website with pictures of me dressed up doesn't give me a free pass to be a constant slob off-camera (or make me feel good about being a slob) so I picked up this book for inspiration AND because WE LOVE TIM GUNN and Project Runway. It was the first reality show to hook us when we finally got television and has remained the unsurpassed best, partly because the contestants have to actually exhibit both talent and skill to try to create beautiful things, and partly because it prominently features a kind, articulate person with an expansive vocabulary: Tim Gunn. The book was a fun, old-fashioned read with timeless, budget-conscious advice and his delightful personality shines out of every page. I had no idea who or what he was talking about some of the time, but whatever -- fun.
SEAROAD: CHRONICLES OF KLATSAND - Ursula K. Le Guin Another one that had me in tears a few times, but this one actually IS brilliant. And out of print. Which is fucking lame. The title sounds kind of hokey, old-fashioned, and fantasy-oriented but the book is none of those things. Every voice in it sounds real and every story feels like the truth.
I'm starting to lose my commitment to trying to finish books. Not that I was ever good at finishing every book I started to read or even half of them, but I'm getting to the point where I realize it's okay to leave books unfinished. After almost thirty years of reading I've learned that putting an unfinished book down isn't a failure, it's just an opportunity to start another book that might be more engaging. You can get a lot of insight and entertainment out of half-read books without wasting time slogging through them just for the sake of "finishing". I'm starting to realize that nagging compulsion to finish a book I'm no longer enjoying is almost as obnoxious as a guy who keeps saying, "cum for me baby!" over and over again.
Good: Tucker spied a washer and dryer for sale for $50. With luck we'll be laundering every dirty thing on the premises by midnight. This could signal the return of pee to my group shows.
Bad: Doing a group camshow and seeing your stepdad's nickname in the list of viewers. While it's incredibly unlikely that it's him, it's still really fucking unpleasant and a serious obstacle to enjoying masturbating.
Ugly (but in the best possible way): John Malkovich in Colour Me Kubrick. Adorably ugly -- it's such a perfect role for him, so manipulatively sexual and totally silly. I love movies about people who are totally full of shit. FYI: I didn't for a second think the word "ugly" while watching the movie, but I needed something that would fit the bill for ugly and this actually works. And I really just think a lot of you would love this film if you haven't already seen it. It's actually only ugly in a sort of Grey Gardens way that's half repellent and half motherfucking inspiring as in, "I want to be grandly removed from reality and take everyone with me while wearing fabulously wacky ensembles assembled from the rubbish bins of rich people."
The bad and the ugly of this entry both make me feel like escaping certain elements of my "job" that make me feel trapped, bored and invaded. While doing these free group shows is great, the nature of the internet porn business just gets nastier and nastier; to make a decent living starting from scratch you practically HAVE to give tons of stuff away for free.
As I mentioned in my last vlog, these hour-long explicit camshows we do are now broadcast for free on sites where ANYONE can get access without paying a nickle, without sacrificing even a nugget of their own personal information, without proving they're over eighteen, and without demonstrating that they have or will ever pay for porn. I don't blame people for eating up free porn and enjoying these sites, I just don't want to supply everyone in the known universe with my time and such a high level of interaction and intimate access to me and my body.
But. Even though I don't WANT to do it I've sort of resigned myself to it for the time being because there ARE benefits to doing it and right now, no good alternatives. I've dealt with this type of exposure before (namely when the guy hosting our spycams decided to build a site with my name and give our cams away for free to get as many people as possible to get them to download his spyware; not only a sucky thing to have your name attached to, but a really invasive free-for-all inviting people into our home on a virtual basis that basically horrified me). It didn't kill me, though, and in the end when the site was shut down I did make money off of it when the people shut out from those cams joined my site to get access to them again. The benefits were measurable (being able to offer high quality spycams and getting paid to do so while also getting exposure without any advertising effort on my part) and the costs were really all psychological (big deal! Suck it up! You'll live! So what?).
Over the years I've weighed the psychological costs with the monetary benefits and have concluded every single time that it's worth it. Yes, I abhor the system which has developed in internet porn with tiers of pimp-web"masters" degrading the value of our pussies and pocketing greater and greater chunks of the profits while competing with one another to give more and more and MORE away for free (making it less and less and LESS necessary for surfers to join our sites to get their jollies), but that's the way it is now; the only way to avoid it is to get out of the business or deal with it long enough that you can afford to create alternative advertising and live-interaction platforms . For the record, I don't begrudge *individuals* the money we pay them to pimp us out just like I don't begrudge individuals access to our free shows as long as they're available. I don't blame anybody for making money off of it and enjoying it while they can (and we have been supported and enjoyed the company of many viewers who would never have found us if not for us appearing on those free sites). It's just a fucked up network of bullshit that whores allow to continue to operate because it's easy, we're lazy, and we can't get our shit together enough to take over the infrastructure ourselves and ditch the profiteers we've come to rely upon for their cam networks and such. We'd rather bitch and whine about it and honestly, it's embarrassing. It embarrasses me that I allow myself to be emotionally affected by it when instead I could buck up, work harder, and make enough money to create solutions where I would not have to relinquish so much control and exclusivity. But god, I do think it's incredibly degrading to be sexually exposed so cheaply. Sexually exposed is fine as long as I am compensated or it's a private and consensual thing. Sexually exposed FOR FREE just sickens me. It tears at the fibres of my value system. A few still images here and there, a video clip every so often, or even a live teaser . . . that's okay. Being able to speak to me, see inside my home, or time your orgasm to happen with mine in real life FOR FREE? I'm opposed to that. It's ridiculous that we chicks have the cunts but we still roll over and let pimps invite thousands of surfers to fuck them dry FOR. FREE. Some of the chicks with cunts have learned that there's more money to be made pimping out other chicks than there is trying to reign in the free-for-all atmosphere; with good reason, they'd rather invest their money in creating more advertisement jungles that suck in surfers with the opportunity to see hardcore live action FOR FREE without adequately compensating the performers or focusing on motivating surfers in any meaningful way to pay the performers. Once surfers get their fill of the devalued live content, the site owners know a profitable percentage of their hoardes of mostly-freeloaders will click on ads for stuff they haven't just gotten for free. Middle-aged woman hungry for love settles for gang bang instead. Lonely girls just want to chat and please you. The site owners make their money on clicks, joins, and even just flying banners and text ads for other FREE sites.
I started camming seven years ago right as the internet porn industry and pay-for-play camming began to be more competitive. As more and more people have gotten online and web savvy, our earning potential should have grown with the traffic increases regardless of new webwhores coming onto the scene, but instead the web has just been glutted with more and more free porn. Instead of competing with other paysites, we have to compete with the people who give our shit away for free (and I'm not talking about people who write lovely reviews or thoughtful blog entries and link to a few free galleries, I'm talking about people who spam search engines with our names, insert their affiliate codes, and redirect that traffic to our sites in order to make 50% off of the sales they essentially stole from us, just as one filthy example, or the cam networks that lease their feeds which consist of our live shows to people who then give them away for free and then take a 50% cut of the few measly sales we make doing those shows; it adds up to more for them, but less for us -- they lessen the sales potential of porn in one fell swoop by giving so much away for free and in that same instant capture a hefty portion of all of the decreased sales that are left).
Oh, I know there are people out there who think free porn is such a lovely thing and gosh, I agree it sure is delightful but in the same way cheap shit at Walmart is delightful and toys made in China are delightful; you have to know that someone, somewhere is being underpaid and overworked in hostile, unhealthy conditions while some men are getting fat and rich off of exploiting their sweet young Chinese asses. You're getting your bargain and consumption-for-cheap, but at what cost to the people who actually do the sweating to provide the goods?
I'll say it again, though: enjoy it while you can. My intention isn't to alienate those who provide exposure for our sites or to alienate those who don't need to (or can't afford) to pay to enjoy us, it's to vent and provide some perspective on the costs of being a webwhore. While it sounds like I'm bitching about the financial costs, I'm really not: with hard work we can still make plenty of money to be very happy and satisfied. What I'm bitching about is that a lot of that hard work is EMOTIONAL and it really doesn't have to be this way . . . it just is. There is an emotional cost for me realizing that hundreds of thousands of people have seen inside my home and had the opportunity to say hideous things to me while watching me stick vibrating things into my holes. I can hear them now saying, "Didn't you know tons of people would see you naked when you got into this?". No, actually -- I didn't. Not when I got into it seven years ago because it wasn't like this. Or at least I assumed that if I were to be exposed to this many people on a regular basis, I would have sales to match. It disgusts me to be surprisingly well-known, recognizable, and enjoyed by so many over the years but not be rich. Seriously, it's totally backwards -- I have no desire to be famous if I'm not going to be rich, too. You should stop doing this if it bothers you so much! Like I've always said, I have no problem with being a whore -- I just have a problem with being a CHEAP whore. I've got no problem with buttloads of people having seen me in compromising positions; my problem is that they got to do so FOR FREE. If you put on a better show, more people would join your site -- maybe you're just too mean and old and ugly to convert that traffic into sales! Entirely possible. I could indeed be a better salesgirl during my shows but then I'd feel like an even cheaper whore if I tried harder. Anyway, you're deluded if you think it would make a real difference; I honestly think that the more you "please" the crowd in the camshows with smiles, pleasantries, cuteness, and hardcore, the less likely they are to join. Instead they just come faster, leave, and forget you and your site sooner. If you're not an amazing beauty I genuinely think the best way to get people to remember you is to piss them off. No, the way to make more sales isn't through shows anymore which have become so easily accessible in such great numbers for such extended lengths of time so as to make them pathetically worthless, it's through the pimp-web"masters". With the industry the way it is now, it's pretty unrealistic to try to make money without them (and honestly, I am actually proud to be able to reward the vast majority of folks who promote us).
I feel now like I need to defend all of this off-putting money talk. I've figured it out in my head and you make more money than *I* do!, I hear them say. Actually, you're probably not figuring in all of our expenses, but so what -- after seven years in this industry, I do indeed make more money than a lot of people who generously support us. And those people probably make more money than large villages in Indonesia. Everybody makes more money than somebody else . . . there's always someone who has got it worse. What I care about is whether I make enough AS A SEX WORKER. As a woman, part of a group of people (other women!) who should have a corner on this pussy market. As a person who is at risk to be targeted by the federal government for obscenity prosecution resulting in prison time and the seizure of ALL ASSETS resulting from pornography, am I adequately compensated? As a person who is vulnerable to the possibility of having relatives have free anonymous access to explicit sex shows she is performing, am I adequately compensated? As a person whose earning potential will decrease with age, am I earning enough to compensate me for the lack of longevity one can expect to enjoy in this field, particularly when you consider that once you've been a sex worker and there is any record or public knowledge of it you will be barred from a number of other jobs (teaching, for example -- the profession you studied for in college)? These unique factors must be considered when assessing whether or not a webwhore is making a suitable amount of money. Call me crazy, but I think whores should not just be adequately paid, they should be WELL PAID. They should earn enviable amounts of money, even the mediocre ones. As it is in the internet porn industry, however, a girl can make massively more money PROMOTING her corporate-created paysite as an affiliate than she can by being the model in the photos and videos and doing a weekly camshow. That's not how I want whores to be treated. Not at all.
If I didn't feel certain that we can make more money in the future, I'd have to say it's not worth it. I would give it up and just be a web pimp instead of a webwhore. Actually, in some ways that's what I'm doing since Delia's site makes twice as much money as mine does. There are definitely things that ROCK about webwhoring, stuff I ignored to make this ranting post, but I seriously do not think it's worth it, to be at the point where you are recognized as Trixie at the grocery store by strangers who have seen your vagina but you can't even afford health insurance. That's totally bass-ackwards. Again, I recognize that I could be making more money -- could HAVE been making more money all along by working longer hours, sleeping less, worrying less, enjoying the freedom of self-employment less, getting hypnotherapy to prevent myself from feeling even the slightest sting from being naked and reading text scroll across a screen saying, "SHE IS AS UGLY AS A SLOTH AND GOT HER PUSSY IT TOO HAIRY FOR THIS DAY AND AGE, GET A RAZER YOU SKANK". Seriously, I'm well-suited to this career and can put that shit into perspective and even enjoy it sometimes (because I don't find slothfulness or a lack of hygienic modernity all that insulting and the idea of someone razing me is pretty funny) *but* I'd have to be a psycho if I didn't notice it at all or get frustrated or assess the damage and ask myself if it's worth it.
The answer, as always, is that it IS worth it. For the past seven years, it has been worth it. And fuck, I can't think of anything that would make it worth it to quit. I assure you in my most sincere white trash fashion that IF I WERE TO WIN THE LOTTERY I would keep on webwhoring. I would not give it up. Because I *do* love it. I love making blog entries like this and then worrying about how it might upset or confuse someone. I love the challenges. I (especially, perhaps primarily) love the freedom. I love the possibilities. I am addicted to the uncertainty. Sometimes, though, I do feel burned out.
When I watched Colour Me Kubrick I was jealous. Because sometimes I feel like my commitment to our sites and exposing so much of myself has left so little time and energy for me to be a liar. To pretend for a week to be someone else. While faking a persona was never my approach to camming or phone sex, sometimes it was requested and it was always POSSIBLE, the opportunity to be a total whack-job other-person. Now with the spycams and the layers and layers of exposure on our sites, in my blogs, and on the camsites I feel not only that there is no place for me to hide, but there is no room for me to PRETEND. When I did one-on-ones, especially phone sex, I was giddy with the possibilities. Talking to one person and one person only, with no one to overhear, I could be wearing anything I could be doing anything I could be an absolute FREAK. Oh, the dirty things I have done on the phone! But now, with so many people watching and knowing me I feel like I can only be me. My most authentic self. And, worst of all, my BEST self. Me at my best. And I never am (or perhaps my best just isn't very good).
I feel like if we keep at this and actually DO do our best, in a couple of years I may not have the freedom to go places without being TRIXIE. All of the time, pressure to be the best Trixie I can be even though sometimes I just want to dress up in green socks, pink slippers, a grubby caftan with sequins falling off and a turban sitting askew on my head and go swishing about town with a long cigarette holder, ashing everywhere and never actually smoking, affecting ridiculous accents.
There is a sexual component to this train of thought that's been dogging me for the past month or six, but I'll save that for another entry or perhaps a confession for members only.
It's only the second time we've paid for porn via DirecTV; the first time I tried being frugal and ordered one of the cheapest movies I could find; of course, it sucked, mainly because the action and talent didn't at all match the description and title. Annoying! So this time I splurged on a movie with a standard price ($10.99) and a title that I thought would mean I couldn't go wrong: Ghetto Booty XXL Volume 2.
The description ("pretty girls make men smile") didn't provide any indication what kind of action we'd find, so I hoped there would be a lot of taunting booty-clapping, jiggling, walking and dancing before any sex took place. Of course, I was almost completely wrong. If I'm paying to see a girl's ass, why would I want to see 20 seconds of it and then two minutes of her pussy VIEWED FROM THE FRONT? I want to see it from behind -- hello! If I'm paying to see a girl's ass, why in the world would I want to see a blowjob in every single scene? And why in the world would every single scene culminate in a cumshot to the face or delivered on the tongue instead of shot all over the ghetto booty I obviously want to see? I totally don't get it. I love blowjobs and all, but it's disappointing when you were anticipating lots of ass, not lots of head. I am so sick of the ubiquitous hurried facials, particularly when there are more obvious and convenient places to shoot a load (like, on someone's ass when the people buying the movie obviously LIKE asses).
Obviously we need to research our purchases a little bit more instead of hoping for the best based on the inane descriptions provided on the tv guide; these kinds of mistakes make it clearer to me why some porn consumers become porn collectors and develop a certain level of expertise regarding their favorite performers, studios, etc. You really have to do some homework to find porn that delivers what you like best.
I'd say that 85% of the moving-picture porn I've rented or purchased in my life has been a disappointment. I don't mean that I have high standards and was expecting greatness, I mean it was either totally boring and/or an actual turn-OFF. The kind of stuff where you practically have to force yourself to masturbate to it just so you feel like you're getting your money's worth. That's really saying a lot considering I've happily masturbated to images of FRUIT on a pbs gardening program.
A couple of the biggest turn-offs for me in this Ghetto Booty movie are the same things that turn me off in most porn: unlubricated pussies being fucked and unprotected sex. Nothing turns me off more than seeing a cock shoved into a dry pussy. I fucking HATE it. Lube is not that expensive so BUY SOME AND USE IT. Oh, I know that a lot of guys freak out when lube is used because they think it's an admission of non-arousal, but isn't the bone-dry pussy and the talent's totally bored expression and faked moans a tip-off? Are guys really able to convince themselves porn performer's are totally into it UNLESS a bottle of lube is introduced and then the whole illusion is destroyed? And as far as unprotected sex goes, I actually do get more aroused watching people fuck without condoms BUT I just wish they would say something at the beginning to assure us that the people were tested and stuff. Maybe it's a chick thing, but I worry about those girls, particularly when they are being FUCKED DRY which makes risky sex even riskier. I find myself sympathizing with the pain the performers are enduring and worrying about their safety rather than being aroused, and it's not just because they are women -- I feel the same way seeing men fucked up the ass without condoms or lube, or having their penises mauled by insensitive hands or teeth. And honestly it's not that I don't like watching certain kinds of rough sex (gagging, choking, spanking, etc), but pointless pain in vanilla engagements just makes me feel so chapped and tense.
I think a lot of women feel the same way I do about stupid-things-in-porn and it could be one of the many and complex reasons women get upset when their male partners enjoy porn so much; how is it that men can enjoy porn without their empathy getting in the way? THOSE ARE DRY PUSSIES!! Isn't that anti-erotic to them? Isn't it a turn off knowing that person is in pain? And don't tell me just because guys don't have their own pussies that they can't recognize genuine pain when the performer is saying "Owww!" and cringing when a big fat dick is stuffed in her DRY PUSSY. For a lot of wives and girlfriends it can be really upsetting to suspect that maybe your boyfriend or husband is turned on by things that cause women pain, like, you know -- DRY PUSSY. Or that maybe he's too stupid to notice it or just completely lacks the empathy or imagination to give a shit. Fortunately I have never been in a relationship with a guy who was turned on by dry pussy (I think Tucker was even more bored watching Ghetto Booty than I was), but the fact that this dry-pussy porn sells and is so rampant does make me view men-in-general with a high degree of suspicion and anger.
On the other hand, I think a lot of men just tolerate bad porn rather than lauding it as great; they recognize it's lame but hey -- there aren't a lot of alternatives and it still "works" for them, so even though they might understand that it's fucked up and prefer something better, they just take what's provided. Still, I know that a whole lot of guys honestly *don't* have any empathy or understanding of what they're watching, and I know this because I deal with them by the thousands in group shows (and observe them in other people's shows). The things many of them say indicate to me that they are dangerously ignorant and devoid of compassion. I can understand why some women get all crazy-mad about porn, then, when it brings out some major character flaws in men. Too bad most women who do get all crazy-mad about porn can't articulate (or are unwilling to recognize) what the REAL problems are (men being encouraged to be totally ignorant of women's bodies, not having empathy for others, etc.) and instead like to pretend that PORN MAKES MEN that way; they like to pretend that if we got rid of porn and all the women who make money in porn, then men would be perfect little angels!! Good luck, you stupid bitches.
I really would rather spend money on internet porn paysite memberships rather than whole movies, but we don't have a fancy setup to watch internet porn on a computer hooked up to television in our bedroom; our computers don't have big monitors and they're not anywhere near a bed so if Tucker and I are going to watch porn together (or alone in a comfortable bed), it has to be on dvd, vhs, or ordered via satellite. It's kind of amazing how cheap internet porn is compared to buying one movie at a time. I guess if I want to get serious about consuming porn myself, we're going to have to upgrade our bedroom's "entertainment center" to include whatever-we-need to view internet stuff on tv, or get a big monitor and another computer or wireless or whatever-the-hell people do nowadays. I'm so behind-the-times.
I have to get a loudly-whistling kettle SOON before I burn the house down.
Tucker bought me a beautiful BEAUTIFUL tea kettle; it was large and shiny and lovely. I don't remember how I managed it, but I burned it to death (perhaps the whistle was too soft-spoken? I don't recall, but it made me sad when I destroyed it).
I tried getting a new, pretty, red one, but I had to take it back to the store because the whistle was SO weak, and I knew that spelled disaster. I bought a cheap replacement that I also recently managed to neglect during it's hot process (did I forget to put the whistle-thing down? Or did I forget to tamp down the lid and the steam escaped through there so it wouldn't whistle?). Whatever; it's burned up, the black plastic handle melted into hot lava down its silver sides and the bottom blackened and flaky.
Through all of this I've managed to not set fire to a house (these aren't the only water-boiling mishaps I've had, just the ones during the past two years). The past few months I've been boiling water for my breakfast tea in saucepans. Today I decided to put in a little more water in the pan than usual, which was fortunate because I totally forgot all about it until I left my office to go pee and smelled hot burning something coming from the kitchen. FUCK. Water all boiled off, only mineral remnants frying in the bottom. I *love* that saucepan, too, with its copper bottom. It's one that came from my mom's kitchen so it's been in my life for . . . ummm . . . twenty-five years, at least. I hope it's still usable since its my favorite pan for popping corn, but it looks like most of the copper is going to flake off.
This latest kitchen casualty will probably motivate me to buy a good new proper tea kettle, which will probably be a relief to Tucker; he gets stressed out when I hold onto my mug with my left hand while pouring boiling water into it using my right. He keeps telling me I'm going to burn myself and I need to SET THE MUG DOWN FIRST. It's charming, really, how bothered he gets when I take this minor risk.
You might wonder why I don't just use a microwave to boil water (and pop popcorn). Well, I hate microwaves. HATE them. The only thing they're good for is softening chocolate chip cookies. Microwaves disgust me -- I hate the way they sound, the way they always wind up smelling, the way they look, the way they take up so much space. HATE them. If we had a huge kitchen and money to burn on scary appliances, sure -- we'd have one and use it for heating up leftovers and stuff. But I'm not going out of my poor way to stuff one into a tiny-ass kitchen.
By the way, I hate dishwashers too. So there.
There are certain things that should be done by human hands, the old-fashioned way. Washing dishes is one of them. No matter how many times people scoff and tell me about the advances in dishwashers, no one I know has a faultless dishwasher. They all leave crusties or break things every so often. And I HATE the smell of dishwasher-washed dishes (or just the SMELL of a dishwasher running). Blech! I would rather smell food mouldering on a pile of stacked-up dishes waiting to be hand-washed than catch a whiff of that hot steamy dishwasher aroma and have to HEAR its noisiness on top of it. Maybe the problem is that no one I know is able to afford the latest and greatest dishwashing technology, but whatever . . . I doubt I will ever fully trust dishwashers. Even if I were rich enough to have a maid to load the dishwasher for me, I know I'd be skulking around the kitchen making his/her life miserable by questioning her judgement on which dishes s/he would put into the evil machine. Not my favorite mug -- noooooooooo!
I know it's crazy, but I just don't like the way microwaves cook food. I don't trust it. I'm suspicious. While it's delightful that you can microwave bacon and it will come out perfectly cooked and FLAT (instead of curly), there's something horribly wrong about that. I'll still eat it and everything, but not before narrowing my eyes at the microwave contraption to let it know that I'm onto it and it better not try anything funnier than making flat bacon.
OPEN ME UP??? Well, another week, another members' update published. This time there's a new link to KSex Radio's live shows which were just added to the Camz network, and almost a half hour of video from the show Tucker and I did on Christmas day which most people didn't get to see.
My favorite part of the show is when someone in the chatroom commanded Tucker to "open her up", to which I responded, "open me up? What do I look like, a fucking can of spaghettios?"
Someday I'd love to do a video compilation of me reaming people out, but I'm not sure I could afford the bandwidth for such a gigantic movie. It would be great fun for a dvd, whenever I learn how to make one of those and have the proper hardware and software.
During the same show, I wore one of my favorite pairs of underwear: white cotton brief panties edged with red lace and a tiny red satin bow. Some guy in the chatroom named "Camron" kept remarking on them, suggesting, "you should invest in a thong" and "need to lose the granny panties". If I had time to properly school him, I'd have let him know the following:
#1) I only change my attire for people who pay me by the minute to field their personal requests.
#2) If I am wearing a certain pair of panties during a show, chances are it's because I like them and find them sexy myself which means that if he isn't paying me by the minute, I couldn't care less what his personal preference is, because mine is all that matters.
#3) INVEST in a thong? As though because during one hour of one day of one week of one month I am wearing one pair of underwear, it must mean I do not posess any others; very stupid assumption.
#4) Let's pretend I don't own a thong: if there is an article of clothing I do not own but someone wants me to wear, the appropriate thing to do is to ask for my mailing address so he can send me whatever it is.
#5) Anyone who doesn't appreciate the appeal of modest white cotton panties probably will not appreciate me, my site, my shows, or most of what I have to offer. White cotton panties rock my fucking world. I'm sure there are people I have much in common with who could care less about white cotton panties, but anyone who would ADVERTISE that while I'm wearing them, stupidly assuming I could only be wearing them out of a lack of options or ignorance regarding what is "sexy", is himself mentally incompetent and has really really really bad taste.
Speaking of shows, I have one tomorrow (Tuesday). 1 pm Pacific Time. After that I'll be webwhoring for a couple of hours, then Tucker has a show at 5 pm. If you come in, don't joke about my panties, because I won't get it and will just sigh with the exhaustion of a bored whore who has put up with entirely too much bullshit, and you'll be tempted to point out what a humourless bitch I am.
I'm not sure if that sounds bitter, so let me just say I really like the whore I've grown into and somehow my cranky, fatigued whore routine is more entertaining to lots of people then the boringly spritely, over-enthusiastic, and fakey whore routine other camgirls have going on.