My name is Trixie (aka TastyTrixie). The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more.
I must've had my head up my ass when I worried that reserving a cabin for three nights was too LONG for a porn-shooting trip without running water or electricity or phones or internet of any kind. More like NOT LONG ENOUGH.
Being in the woods on the Olympic Peninsula, the proper WET woods southwest of us (unlike what we have here in the dry rainshadow), always feels like heaven to me. I'm not exaggerating: HEAVEN. Like what it would/should look and feel like if there were to be that kind of a fantasy afterlife (except I wouldn't have to be scared of having my scalp ripped off by a cougar in heaven, but I digress).
Anyway, it was great. FANTASTIC, the level of peace and tranquility I felt there. The lack of pressure and the way everything worked out just right. The way we had so much beautiful SPACE to sprawl out and shoot in with very little chance of intrusion. The way the weather couldn't have been more perfect. The way we walked for miles.
And when we got home? I pretty much instantly fell apart into a nervous wreck.
It's not that I think running off and living a "simple" life is the Answer to All My Problems or something I want on a daily basis (I don't), but experiencing it for a few days did highlight some of the things that I desperately need to fix in real life (like not having so MANY options and obligations every second of every day).
It's a small fix, but we're going to get rid of DirecTV completely and of course just keep plugging away on the usual stuff with a better reminder of what we could have if we got ahead, just a little bit: the freedom to fall behind and drop out more often . . . AND make better porn because of it. It's amazing how doing so much of my job every fucking day gets in the way of DOING MY JOB RIGHT.
Also, I have serious problems being distracted by every day life and PEOPLE and the noises they make and our computers and all of our shit, though, so coming home was like putting my head in a blender after all of that peace and quiet and fresh air. I know it sucks for voyeurs who want to watch a blissed-out horny woman rolling around in ecstasy or at least looking fresh and cute and bisected by cleavage but instead get me, frowning and muttering under my breath about how I'm going to shoot myself in the head if trivial problems and distractions interrupt my flow just one more fucking time. I am so sorry that has been the story of my lifecams for far too long.
Anyway, I would manually scratch all the skin off my left arm using the fingernails of my right if it would mean I could spend a third of my life in a cabin in the woods, peeing outside and eating pickled sausage on the back porch. Unfortunately I'll have to go about things the hard way: plodding forward, tiny steps at a time.
FYI: I'll try to post more about the magic of our little cabin experience. Also, I'm posting the rest of these pictures of me by the river on Monday for members. Delia is posting a set as I type this: see SAMPLE HERE - it is SO FUCKING AWESOME to be able to get almost any angle you want from whatever distance you want unconstrained by four walls.
I went on a google adventure and discovered a guy who loves enormous clits and uses the word "hermaphrodite" to describe women endowed with them. That's his definition of hermaphrodite: women with prominent clits. It was all worth being exposed to his weird-ass opinion, though, because I got to see a photo of Linda Might, "The Queen of Clits", who I'd never heard of before.
Jesus, I'd love to have myself a three-inch clitoris.
Anyway, I can't stop thinking about all of this hermaphrodite bullshit and wishing I could grasp EXACTLY what is so fucked up about these rumours (and people's responses to them) and articulate that fucked-upedness accurately.
I can't stop thinking about being in our local candle store and hearing three people engaged in a discussion about Ann Coulter in which one person "informed" the other two that Coulter was "born a man". Yeah, she's a tranny! The two women gasped, one declared she'd always SUSPECTED as much, the other asked if he was SURE . . . and he WAS. He was SO FUCKING SURE. He insisted it was true. He backed it up with things he'd heard on Air America.
I wanted to interrupt and tell them they were wrong, but went home to check JUST IN CASE. Because there also seems to be something wrong with just ASSUMING those tales are false. Is it a growing acceptance/awareness (or heightened fear/paranoia/continued ignorance) of transgender that fuels these bullshit stories? Is it just a contemporary expression of misogyny / new way to express or justify hatred and disgust of genetic women people find contemptible or disturbingly sexy (ex. Jamie Lee Curtis)? Maybe, but there's a weird ambiguity about the way a lot of people talk about these urban legends, like teenagers who WANT to believe in ghosts. One part wishful thinking, one part pure bullshit, and another part pure fear.
Standing in the store I mostly just listened even though they said some stupid shit that made me want to say, "HEY -- my girlfriend is transsexual; maybe you should watch what kind of moronic crap you let stream out of your mouth in front of strangers." Instead I called the store after I got home and verified that the Ann Coulter as Tranny story IS INDEED a myth, told them WRONG. But that seemed to miss the point, too. Even if she HAD been born with a dick, that doesn't explain her away or make sense of her. That knowledge, if it were true and we could attain it, wouldn't somehow put her in her place the way people seem to want it to.
Oh well. I'm sure more brilliant minds than mine have got this sorted out and published somewhere with a lot of fancy words and complicated double-talk that will never do anything to help make the average American get it. Someday maybe it will all get straightened out, but in the meantime women-who-confuse-us are the new Richard Geres and Rod Stewarts, with bellies full of cow semen and hamsters up the ass. The tabloids have proof that Obama's birth certificate is a fake, and we think if only someone would publish that photo of an infant Ann Coulter sporting a pre-op malignant penis, we could win this argument!.
I went on a little field trip by myself today, and happened across this fucktastic hillbilly head shop:
You can get almost anything there: firewood, dildos, giant bongs, blow-up sex dolls, gay wanker mags (I bought one as a thanks for letting me take these pics . . . and because I really enjoy gay wanker mags), swords, patriotic novelties, and old issues of Playboy that should be in protective sleeves, but instead are gathering dust in layers of MEASURABLE thickness (I *so* wanted to rescue the one with Dolly Parton on the cover).
Even though the place stank of mildew and old carpeting stained with Sheltie poop and pee, I seriously fucking loved it there especially when I heard, then spotted, the fucking police scanner:
I just have a thing for police scanners. Don't know why I don't have one. Anyway, there's also a stuffed parrot of porn watching out for things along with a dude who worked there (he was kind of cute but I thought it would be asking a bit much to take his picture and post it here):
There was also a thin, grizzled hang-around guy there who got a little boisterous when I popped in. A couple good-looking, fresh-smelling locals also popped in to get some porn so the place is obviously doing business since I wasn't there very long. After I left, the hang-around guy wearing the straw cowboy hat followed me back out to my car to say, "boy! You SURE are cute!" then captioned himself by mumbling with concentration, "little hat trick for ya . . ." as he tossed it into the air and juggled it around with a flourish as a special little show for me. Much appreciated, hang-around dude.
Here I am on the security camera, standing basically two inches from the counter. Obviously surveillance is a fetish at this place, which I *totally* understand (and is only one of 100 reasons why I didn't visit the restroom there):
All the way home I scripted a movie in my head to shoot there and wished we had money to pay to shoot it (including paying not only to rent the place, but to have it professionally cleaned inside without losing ALL of the personality/flavor). Actually, whenever we make the trip to this particular loggerific town I always wind up using the time on the road to script porno movies. The last one was so funny I kept laughing out loud and confirming for Delia that her girlfriend is a crazy person. She didn't go with me today, though, so I got to be crazy all by myself and go places she would rather avoid like the hillbilly head/sex shop and this geeky place.
Here are a couple more shots of the joint to give you a better idea of the scope of their patriotism and firewood-selling enterprise:
Instead of having the wood bundles stacked in one area, they've created a car maze & parking-lot border out of individual bundles arranged in lines, with each bundle labeled with a price and the name of the tree it came from (not name like "Tom" or "Cindy", but Red Cedar, Douglas Fir, etc.):
I just enjoy seeing people making a modest and dirty living combining everything they love. Like, FUCK you! I'm going to let my dog come to work with me and rub it's dirty ass all over the carpet while I get high in the back room and show off my ninja sword to my buddies!! Are you sure you don't need a cord of wood to go with that? LET'S SPRAY PAINT THE SINGLE-WIDE RED, WHITE AND BLUE!!! GodDAMN I love this country!!
I wanted to post this update tonight, but I got carried away doing extras so here's a little preview for members (and non-members) to get an idea of the kind of video I'm posting (just for members) tomorrow:
It starts out with some tugging and dick-sucking, then progresses to reverse cowgirl with a cumshot in panties (after some closeups of it going INSIDE me) which is one of my (and my fans') favorites:
I kept manipulating my panties with the cock against my ass even after the cumshot. This little animation doesn't quite do it justice, but since it's more than enough for some people to get off looking at, I'll leave it in simple mode and you have to join to download the actual video (and others like it):
You've probably already heard how hot it's been here in the Pacific Northwest this week; I am on a pretty good roll with exercising semi-regularly, but it's so hot that I have to make sure to do it early or later after it cools down. Tonight it wound up being later (after an unexpected and annoying troubleshooting session with our most important spycam with nightvision & audio aimed at our bed) which means by the time I did that and showered it was really too late for me to put on makeup and record a vlog for members. Lately I've been trying to at least LOOK semi-sexy in the video blogs, so I'll save that for tomorrow when I hope the makeup efforts will do double-duty for some shoots. Then again, my period will probably come and I might have cramps so who knows . . . valiant efforts will be made, but they might be swatted down by the heavy hand of high humidity.
Anyway, back to MY butt . . . I love that outfit but I'm going to have to cull a lot of photos from the set; there are things I love about being chubby, and other things that make doing this work a lot tougher when I am. Sadly, when I feel unhappy with seeing my double chins and belly rolls in pictures, it only makes me want to get into bed with a trough of mashed potatoes and gravy and SHOVEL IT IN AS FAST AS I CAN. With a fucking tub of greasy stuffing with giblets and just the fatty skin from the turkey.
But yeah. The good pics are better because of the weight. But there are just more BAD pics, is the problem. So this might be a smaller set than usual.
The Fourth of July isn't my absolute favorite holiday, but I do enjoy it a lot -- especially small town fireworks displays like ours. We also bought a small tabletop propane grill today to celebrate the American way with cheeseburgers and replace our rusted out charcoal grill.
In keeping with a celebration of our great capitalist country:
I hate to break it to those of you who read my blog through a feed reader, but you'll have to click through now and actually VISIT my blog to read my posts from start to finish (if you want to). I actually set my feed settings years ago BEFORE I actually started reading other people's blogs through a feed reader myself so until recently I didn't realize how unlikely it is for anyone to see my blog presented in all of its obnoxious glory when they can have it generically spoon fed to them through a reader.
I totally understand how much easier on the eyes it is to read through a feed reader but other than that, it's not very hard to click through to the original post and see it presented with the personality of the blogger who wrote it (me, in this case). After about a year of using a feed reader (I use Google Reader) to keep up with my favorite blogs I've noticed I feel more detached from the people who write them. It's like swallowing food without chewing it -- just gulping it down. I also don't like that some elements in my posts aren't properly displayed, if they're displayed at all (example: flash or video elements).
On top of that, my blog doesn't make as much money as it used to before the rise in popularity of feedreaders. Of course there are a number of reasons for that, but the fact that more people are reading me while fewer people are seeing advertisements for my sites and other sites I promote PROBABLY plays a pretty big part. I have never been one of those people who feels the need to apologize for wanting my work on the web to make some money so I'm not going to start now, especially since I think most of my selling is pretty soft/laid-back. I don't shove advertisements down readers' throats constantly, but I am also not going to keep throwing away my real estate when I can least afford to do so. I want people to be reminded every time they read my blog of my little amateur porn empire and crappy design "skills". Every time people read my blog, I want them to see my picture in the sidebar. I do not want people to see me as something contained within google or feedburner or whatever-the-hell. It's depersonalizing and also just not very smart on my part as a webwhore.
I know for SOME people the whole point of using a reader to consume blogs is getting all the content in one place. For me, using a reader is actually more about being alerted when posts are made to my favorite blogs without having to compulsively click and refresh a million links in a list to see if my beloved bloggers have updated yet. It's also about being able to organize, favorite and label blogs and posts. Reading other people's blogs has always felt very intimate to me and I want it to keep being that way; I don't like the way my reliance on Google Reader has made all the blogs I used to recognize on sight conform to the same look and feel. I've also hardly added any new blogs to my lineup because I'm not visiting people's blogs and clicking on their links anymore. I'm totally missing out! So yeah -- I'm just not going to give readers the option anymore to ignore my sidebars and shit. Plplplplplpl!!
Just to rub salt in your wounds, I added a gigantic flash animated Fleshlight banner over there. BECAUSE EVERYONE WITH A DICK SHOULD HAVE ONE and it makes me totally hot to look at those kinds of things being played with or even just presented on display (see also my entry on Tiny Fake Pussies). If I find a less obnoxious banner that I like just as much that shows some "action", I will replace it, though. Or maybe if someone says that it gave them a seizure.
Anyhoo, here are a few little images from the video we posted yesterday for members:
Here are a few samples from the first set of pictures we shot together using our new camera remote:
A test shot to check the light; I like how you can see some of our camera stuff, including the remote not yet hooked up in this one:
One of my favorite shots that made the whole awkwardness of jumping up and down off Delia's face to adjust the camera on the tripod, etc. worth every minute of it even though I had to crop this picture to make it look like this:
Today I'm editing the video we shot after the pictures which is rife with our squeaky bed squeaking and awkward-sounding silences which I hope to smooth out if I can find the right free music to do so, though probably I'll just waste a bunch of time listening to stuff and deciding against it completely at the end. It's hard for me to do a bunch of dirty talking when my head is working so hard at trying to visualize the images we're capturing and enjoy the sensations I'm feeling. It makes me feel shy, voyeuristic and nonverbal most of the time. After so many years of doing this stuff you'd think ALL of it would come really naturally to me, but it usually doesn't. Also, we really haven't shot mass quantities of video together (mostly we have shot each other solo) so it's still an amateurish learning experience every time. But a fun one, as this other favorite picture of mine indicates:
We *finally* got a remote control to take pictures of ourselves together. Here are a couple of our first silly attempts, just testing it out:
Trixie is "The Other Sister"
The Pervy Ogre
Last night we shot a "real" (in other words, pornographic) set together taken in vivid color, wearing stockings and corsets. It was challenging and extremely time consuming, but worth the effort and expense of the remote even for poorly composed photos (in fact, some of the ones with pieces of us unintentionally chopped out were the best; it feels more voyeuristic and amateur, I think). We should have done this a long time ago. Anyway, today I'll work on editing that gallery and maybe the video, too.
From a video we shot awhile back but just posted recently:
I don't do enough glasses porn so we shot that in part to try to remedy that. It's a shame I don't shoot more stuff while I'm wearing my spectacles since I have a really "sexy" strong prescription, if you're into that sort of thing:
right eye = -6.75 -1.00 x 135 left eye = -4.00 -2.75 x 156
The third number is for my astigmatism.
I also did a creepy voice-over/roleplay with myself for that video AND Delia threw her back out shooting that POV (point of view), so I want to make sure it's fully "appreciated" by nerd-lovers. Members can see it here. Non-members can join our sites to see it OR buy it on our clips4sale store (look for "Interview with a Nerd").
Speaking of nerds, we finally saw Star Trek last night. Aside from it being an amazing, must-see-on-the-big-screen event, it totally had a Father's day theme AND there were only five other people in the theatre with us, and three of those people were mega-Trekkers. The dude looked exactly like "Sex", the crazy guy whose mom brings him to try out for So You Think You Can Dance every season. Only this guy made really awesome geeked-out joy noises in response to the movie and made the experience even more pleasurable and authentic than it would have otherwise been. I mean, we totally geeked out but this nerd-monkey NOISE that he made just epitomized what Star Trek fans are all about. And even with that few people in the seats, I *still* managed to get some fucker putting his feet up on our row of seats and shaking the shit out of me so, as usual, I had to have words with someone. PEOPLE. I love and loathe the shit out of them.
I think the last movie was saw in the theatre before this was Twilight so we're parched for big screen entertainment. I'd love to see Up and Terminator Salvation before it's too late.
I just added Oasis' blog to my links and wanted to point her out to you. If you're interested in knowing all of the groundbreakers in internet porn -- people who had amateur sex sites before there were role models for such things -- read her blog because Oasis is one of a small handful of them.
She's one of those legendary people in *my* circle of do-it-yourself porn people, and has a hands-on, hardcore approach of swinging, fucking fans, flashing, gang bangs, interracial and party girl antics.
I don't know much about her (yet) except that she's doing sex work in Australia. I was introduced to her recently through tweets linking to this post she made -- It's You I'm Afraid Of -- that made me cry because so many parts of it rang so true for me, especially since I've been trying for the past few months to reconnect with family and friends and acquaintances from high school and college, some of them cops, many of them religious, loads of them Republicans, and a few others "liberal" (yes, in quotation marks).
"Folks want to be supportive but sometimes they donít get it and thatís OK. I donít expect people to know everythingóIím still learning too! But you should know that when you donít get it, it can really sting or, Iíll be honest, irritate the shit out of me.
So itís you that I sometimes protect myself from. Itís you who I will avoid or go silent with because I just donít want to deal with how disappointed I feel. Itís you that I write for and to. Itís you that I want on my side. You are the ones whoís judgments, stereotypes, awkward silences and ill-informed questions I watch out for. Itís you Iím afraid of."
Last week I was in a hurry to have an orgasm, so I went to *quickly* find a free amateur video of some stranger (ANY stranger) jerking himself off. This video, "A Tribute to Jodie", looked like a winner so I grabbed my eroscillator, shoved it under the waistband of my sweats, and pressed play.
The "tribute" part of the title gave me a good hint what I'd be watching: a guy at home with his webcam recording himself jacking off onto one of his favorite photos of a camgirl or pornstar. I've seen these things before and have always been fascinated by them.
LET ME REITERATE: I was not in the mood to be choosy about selecting the video; I wanted to get off as soon as possible with anything remotely visually stimulating and obscene. As long as it was a closeup of a guy jerking his cock, I didn't care. For a quick cum, homemade jerkoff videos are surefire winners for me because they're usually the right length: they get right down to business with no distractions. Even better, there's an extreme element of voyeurism for me especially when the guy is using a toy (like tiny fake pussies) or in some way sharing a method that is in some way humiliating/exposes more about him than just his cock. I love seeing a guy's private masturbation ritual. The tribute thing? If I were a guy I would try to keep that secret and would be *totally* embarrassed to admit, let alone SHOW MYSELF OFF, doing it. Because it seems so humiliating to me, I *love* watching it. The notion that some guy is so fucking crazed by his desire to get off that he will DO something so ridiculously contrived and teenage-insane makes me incredibly hot.
Having said that, the LAST thing I want is for someone to record such a tribute to me if they're planning to inform me of it/beg me to watch it. Noooooooooo, please! NO! Don't ever do that! If you do, don't do it expecting me to masturbate to it or tell you that it made me hot. The best you can hope for is that I'll laugh and thank you for doing me the "honor". Being put into a situation where I will feel *obligated* to watch it and issue a polite response (or even worse, a big description of how it made me masturbate) would totally ruin the whole thing for me. The whole point of masturbating is to DO IT ALONE, whenever you want to, without having to interact with someone. I do not want other people picking out my masturbation fodder for me because I will get all tense thinking the person expects me to drop everything and go wank. When I masturbate? I do not want to feel obligated to anyone or under pressure to perform or to flatter someone else (especially when they've done something as grotesque as defile my image by splattering it with their cum). I don't want someone watching me while I take my two fully-clothed minutes slouched in my site with my hands down my sweatpants. The last thing I want is someone emailing me over and over again, "have you watched my tribute to you yet? I can't wait for you to see it!", or, "oh darn! I missed it! Can you do it again so I can see? After all, I recorded that JUST FOR YOU and I want to see you cum to me while I cum on you! Thanks babes!"
The whole hot thing about watching videos like these is that they *are* kind of gross. I *don't* want to be there. I *don't* want a stranger's ejaculate on me. I *don't* want to synchronize our orgasms in real time. The whole point of watching porn, for me, is to NOT be involved with someone else. I can't lie -- there's definitely a freak show element to the whole thing, and I mean "freak" in the most normal sense of the word; the solitary freak we all have/are when we're alone (and if you don't have that freak element to you? I totally cannot relate).
I know all of this sounds crazy given that I have been broadcasting spycams since 2002, so obviously? People DO watch me masturbate! The thing of it is (and always has been) that the reason I do a lot of what I do is because *I* am a voyeur at heart. I offer these things because they are what I seek, not so much because I am an exhibitionist (which of course I *am*, a little, but not to the extent that I'm a voyeur). I know I would like to catch someone at her desk, awkwardly masturbating and not acknowledging me at all. I do not want it to be sexy or a "show", I want it to be authentic and authenticity is often measured in my book by how ugly it is. The more unattractive it is, the better. As the masturbator? I expect the voyeurs not to try to engage me during this process. It's *private*. That's the whole *point*. It's not supposed to look like porn, it's supposed to be real, and for it to be real, you cannot interrupt or inject yourself into the scene.
One of the things that continues to be a challenge for me as a webwhore is being able to share my turn-ons without making them sound like an invitation OR an insult. I'm a very solitary, private person in many ways, so I sometimes get overwhelmed trying to preserve alone-time; I wind up going too far in my attempts to maintain distance, to the point where it backfires on me and sometimes hurts people's feelings. How do I explain that I love watching guys jacking off on ink-rippled homemade print-outs of naked chicks or faces with their mouths open, but that when I masturbate to this I don't want to turn it into an interactive event? How do I then qualify that to say, "UNLESS you're paying me to interact with you while you do that, in which case it's totally hot!" (which is true; if you pay for my time, providing I have ample amounts of it free, then I *prefer* doing shows where I get to watch someone else masturbate; I just don't want to do that when I have a sudden 2-5 minutes when I desperately need to bust my own private girl nut).
I drafted the above entry almost a year ago and never finished/posted it. Like a lot of public posts about "what makes me horny", I feel compelled to ruin the hotness by outlining boundaries to preserve what's left of my . . . personal space, I guess you'd call it.
The weird thing is that not long after I wrote this my feeling about it changed. I became very interested in the concept of guys jerking off on my pictures and wasn't sure I wanted to send a message totally discouraging it. It's something I would like to see without them knowing I'm seeing/hearing it. I do not want to be under pressure to respond to it, but in certain situations I think I'd enjoy that, perhaps if the jerker paid for a phone call for me to (gently but pointedly) humiliate him for doing it. Or INSTRUCTED him to do it again. Maybe on the same picture. Because if I were going to TELL someone to jerk off on my picture(s), I'd make sure he knew he's not allowed to throw any of these photos away. Instead he'd have to keep every single one, including pictures of other women (with a few men thrown in for good measure). And maybe if his printer ran out of ink he'd have to reuse an already-jerked-on print-out.
This idea became so exciting to me, I began to think I'd like to collect videos of people jerking off on our pictures to post in the members-only area TrixiesHouseboy. Or sending us pictures of themselves (a la Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in Happiness) in front of a whole wall of damp printouts glued up with cum.
Part of me is telling myself you don't REALLY want to see that, Trixie. You really don't. And another part is quite certain she does.
After the gloomy pictures and tone of this post I'm overdue posting something cheerful that reflects how I'm feeling A BILLION TIMES BETTER, so here are some happy pictures from a recent members-only gallery and an update on what's going on in my body and head.
It's hard for me to describe how profoundly different/healed I felt within a week of starting to treat my hormone problems. I can only compare it to what born again Christians feel like. Seriously. Only I feel like I just established a close personal relationship with NORMALCY rather than with Jesus. And now I am wondering how the fuck I was even getting out of bed at all, because I was really REALLY sick.
A lot of stuff that I was experiencing I couldn't even verbalize without sounding totally crazy and was effecting me on every level you can possibly think of: mentally, spiritually, physically, socially, sexually, etc. My muscles, joints, head, eyes, guts, boobs, feet, jaw, ears HURT and weren't working right. Pretty much everything was causing me pain and fatigue, from the sound of people's voices to the loud conversations being held in my head to the TORTURE of dropping something and having to go through the agonizing, soul-sucking motion of bending over to pick it up. I thought I was being a hypochondriac to worry that I had lupus or something horrifying going on. All I wanted to do was work and be happy and do the millions of things I want to do, so I tried to exercise more, to cut back on things that were especially tiring (which got to the point of being EVERYTHING except the bare minimum -- I haven't been seeing my family, friends, or doing anything except trying to survive). The slightest annoyances were sending me into paroxysms of mean-spirited anguish. If you think I was complaining a lot about headaches and stuff, you don't know the tenth of it. I actually didn't even want to recognize how incredibly bad it was.
But then last week I started to feel INCREDIBLY GOOD. Like I looked in the mirror and didn't see death warmed over staring back at me -- oh yeah, THAT'S what I look like without a sickly pallor and giant, deep, dark circles rimming my eyes! Like, getting out of bed in the morning IS EASY and something to celebrate instead of something that caused me physical pain. I'm not exaggerating, I had been feeling PAIN reverberating through every fiber of my being. I thought it was just me being not-a-morning-person, "sensitive", etc. but as it turns out? FUCK NO. The first three days of feeling awesome last week are my new standard for how I should feel 99% of the time and I'm not going to accept anything less ever again.
Here are the supplements I started taking:
*Evening Primrose Oil *iodine *birth control (chick hormones) *omega oils *potassium (in grapefruit juice, etc.) *awesome Vitamin B complex *digestive enzymes
and changes I made:
*maintaining a stable blood sugar level (not letting myself get hungry, eating way less simple carbs/sugars) *continuing to use tools & learn more for anger management, concentration, calm, etc. *exercising consistently *continuing to make 8-9 hours of sleep per night my goal
A lot of these are things I've done before that yielded positive results, but I never did them consistently or all at the same time or appreciated the importance of spending the money to stay stocked up on all of the vitamins or understood the big picture of how they were helping me. I still don't have a thorough grasp of that, but getting as totally fucked up as I was forced me to do a lot of research and over the years a lot of people and circumstances have handed me clues. Like not being able to get pregnant and slowly finding out a whole bunch of possible reasons why not. Like having people tell me over and over and over again to have my thyroid tested. Like having almost no stressors in my life and often doing everything right and trying my fucking hardest and still feeling WORSE instead of better. Like having some really great health care providers in my life and then having to deal with one who was really bad. Like THE INTERNET being an imperfect but still fucking fabulous resources. Like having a trans partner and thinking more about hormones, identity, and the nuances of gender. Like having people tell me I have too much testosterone. Like having my hair stylist tell me I had an unnatural amount of HAIR FALLING OUT OF MY HEAD (ahhh, so it WASN'T my imagination that was noticing my part widening in pictures and on the webcam I have staring down at the top of my head).
I really am sorry for how impatient I've been, how easily agitated I've been, and for how little time I've had for people and issues and projects I care about. Mostly I'm sad that Delia had to live with someone so unpredictable and "touchy". But I'm really happy for us now that we are both getting ourselves sorted out.
I think this year (or at least the next six months) are going to be a time of simply catching up on time I/we've lost personally and financially/professionally. I know I've made a lot of posts in the past couple of years about ways I was reorganizing and reprioritizing things, and while many of them were necessary, very few of them were productive or successful because of what I now realize was a significant health problem. I am going to be patient with myself and try to enjoy simply feel good. REALLY good.
I'm not saying my life has been nonstop misery because that's not true at all -- hormones are shifty fuckers so there've been lots of highs and lows and near-normalcy, but I've likely been suffering from this for most of my post-adolescent life to one degree or another judging from how rarely I ovulated on time or at all; most people would say "judging from how rarely my period was on time", but I now refuse to refer to on-time periods as the sensible indicator of health when it totally ignores that timely menstruation is reliant on timely ovulation. It's not that I think ovulation is some holy fucking grail or that every woman should strive for FERTILITY, I just think there's so much MISSING from (and deceptive about) our language for talking about how our bodies function and how to identify problems and heal them. And you know how women who understand their clits and their g-spots and the rest of their bodies and how they work and where those parts live CAN MAKE THEM OPERATE BETTER and experience more pleasure? I don't think the rest of our anatomy and functionality is any different. If I understand that high blood sugar and cortisol and stress and testosterone and estrogen suppression and ovulation and concentration and happiness are all linked up and I can visualize those things and better know how to achieve stability there, then I am going to be a happier, better-functioning person.
Personally I'm excited about the discoveries I'm making about myself and feel so fired up about so many things I'm back to my "normal" scatterbrained whirlwind of divided attention (and haven't been taking Ritalin since I started my little regimen above). I'm also really angry and thinking a lot about how most health care providers are totally incompetent and uncaring when it comes to endocrinology (unless it has to do with diabetes) and SUPER COMMON hormone problems. I believe to my core that misogyny is the root of the ignorance and lack of care; people believe and want women to age a certain way, to become dried-up shrews. They believe we'll complain about anything and are still mostly just hysterical, crazy bitches and that our problems are all psychological. Everyone thinks it's so "advanced" to treat depression and anxiety as real stand-alone illnesses now that we can throw fucked-up, addictive drugs at when so much depression and anxiety and other mental illness are probably caused by hormonal problems that don't always originate with (or aren't limited to) poor brain chemistry or treated best just by addressing them. I'm certainly not suggesting we all go Tom-Cruise-Vitamin-Crazy, I'm just saying that health care professionals aren't even bothering to test for or treat underlying hormone imbalances, and most people like it that way. It makes a lot of women sicker, not healthier. Just to give you an example, this doctor I went to was ready to put me on anti-depressants, didn't believe me when I told her I knew the birth control itself would help a lot, and refused to test my thyroid (the most common "thyroid" test done is for TSH -- thyroid stimulating hormone -- and it doesn't really test your thyroid gland, it tests your pituitary gland AND the results are months old by the time it reaches your blood). You have to wonder how this woman thinks that anti-depressants are going to cure me of hair loss, weight gain, constipation, lethargy, etc. when you know it will make most of those symptoms WORSE. To her I was just a crazy, miserable bitch demanding a "complicated" explanation for what seemed obvious to her: THAT I'M SIMPLY A CRAZY MISERABLE BITCH.
If we removed the stigma and value judgment from the statement "she's got hormone problems" we'd lose one of our most precious and reliable punch lines. So many women would feel so much better the world would be turned upside-fucking down. It probably wouldn't be very good for the sex industry, I imagine, if more middle-aged women felt like a million bucks. Or maybe it would . . . . My sister, a nurse, said she thinks endocrinology is too nuanced for traditional western medicine to deal with and that it's not a "sexy" field like surgery. I think it's the opposite. It's the sexiest field of all. It IS the source of what we think of as sex and gender and for us to really understand it and the role it plays in our lives and how it is the foundation for so much of our identities would pose such a threat to the status quo and to the people we rely upon to make the rest of us feel normal by comparison that it's just a giant taboo. In generations to come I think it's transgender and people who defy gender stereotypes and limitations who will force the medical community and other people to understand endocrinology a whole lot better and how hormones can be manipulated to help us lead our best, most authentic and healthiest lives.
Anyway, long post short, I was feeling pretty bad. And now I feel really great. And that makes me really happy. I'm fueling up now for good things to come.
My mom passed her DNA for knockers down to me and also taught my sister and I how to deal with the problem of having one nipple/areolar complex erect and bumpy with the other one soft:
One time as we were about to leave a public restroom my mom noticed she had one stiff nipple and paused before exiting to stimulate the other one over her shirt so they would match. She did try to get bras and shirts that would prevent them from being super obvious, but when those failed to do the trick (you'd need armor to guarantee 100% no-poke-through) she felt compelled to make both of them stick out if one was being stubborn anyway. Nipples do get hard sometimes when you pee so . . . yeah. I hadn't just peed in the photo above, but I'd given one boob more attention and didn't realize how obvious it would wind up being in the picture. Clearly I am not as conscious of these things as my mom is. Or maybe I'm just not as sensitive? Hmmm . . . well, there's some suggestive kinkiness for the portion of my audience with a special interest in big boobs, nipples, and . . . other things.
I would love to stay up and finish editing this set of photos for members, but it will be better if I get back in bed and disconnect. PMS is in full effect and I woke up an hour too soon. I got a late start this week when I got a headache Monday and spent Tuesday recovering and trying to prevent more headaching. Now the hormones are kicking my ass and making me act/feel like a monster so I'm going to call the amount of work I did today "good" and say goodnight. Tomorrow members can see the rest of the curves and long socks and a sparkly dildo and furry beaver and underarms (not to be hairy much longer, though I'm sure I'll grow it back out again in the future, but that's why we shot this set in black and white: to really show off my bush).
You don't need me to tell you that times are financially tough right now for a lot of people. You might be curious, though, whether or not recessions and looming depressions have an effect on our porn site sales. The answer? Yes, sales have been a little harder for us to make but overall I feel much more secure than I would in almost any other industry. The main sign we've seen that people's wallets are thin is that we get more denied credit cards.
My main financial concerns right now are not about falling sales, they're just about having finally reached our limit, unfortunately right at the time when banks and everyone else have reached theirs. I try not to feel a sense of shame or failure about my debt load regardless of how our country tells us that we little people are to blame for overextending ourselves or for being given loans and lines of credit we somehow didn't deserve. Our only mistake was being born poor while extremely unscrupulous banking bigwigs are bailed out for fucking people anally with insanely high interest rates. Example: it cracks me up that Citibank not only gets away with raising my interest rate and leveling late charges against me for sending a payment in on time that I accidentally wrote for fifty-seven cents less than the minimum payment that month (YES I have written them letters to no avail), but taxpayers get to foot the bill to save their fucking asses.
I'm getting off track.
Point is, after filing our taxes in October (yes, totally late) and maxing ourselves out like crazy we simply need to make more sales. Really, there is no excuse for us not to be making much more money at this point except that we tend to focus more on keeping our members happy than on actually, you know, FINDING MORE MEMBERS. It would be nice if we could do it all, but at this point we need to cut back on some things and rearrange others, at least until we meet some financial goals. So here are a couple of changes we/I are making:
*REALISTIC NUMBER OF WEBCAM SHOWS EVERY OTHER WEEK. Delia and I have been doing an insane number of shows for too many years: around twenty a month between the two of us. Most girls or couples with sites like ours who actually do live webcam shows do one or two a week, so maybe three to eight shows a month. Frankly it was sucking way too much sexual energy out of our relationship, leaving us very little free time to be spontaneous or go on shooting sprees or, you know, take a day or two off here and there.
We're now scheduling a couple days of webcam shows a couple times a month/every other week. It still averages out to at least two shows a week this way, but that's still less than what we have been doing and will give us more breathing room in-between to shoot videos and have recreational sex with each other.
Doing fewer camshows will also open up time to promote our sites in other ways; the truth is that the cam networks stopped being good places to get new members a long time ago. Even the girls who put on great shows and bend over backwards to be great orgasmic little entertainers do not make great sales because of those webcam shows. I will save explaining why for a different blog entry, but suffice to say right now there are more efficient ways of bringing in new sales; at a time like now we simply need to be more efficient.
*FEWER HOURS IN CHAT I really really love getting to know our members and think an active chatroom with a readily-available hostess is a really awesome feature to have on a porn/spycam site. I've had many awesome conversations in chat and gotten to know people I consider friends. Unfortunately, I probably spent way too much time in spycam chat over the years when I should have been focusing more on marketing my site. Now it's at the point where I really don't have a choice and need to spend those hours promoting our sites (especially Delia's because it outsells mine three to one).
I hate to say it, but I just don't have enough members to justify scheduling so many hours in chat. I've tried to find ways to make it work, and I feel like the same small handful of people are coming in just so I don't feel bad sitting in there alone. Combined with being burned out from all the camshows and being under pressure in other ways, I'm also just not as energetic an entertainer as I once was, anyway, so it's probably not a very enticing feature anymore. I am, however, continuing to pay for our members-only chatroom (the plugin is only $12.50 a month, but still) and am popping in there every so often and scheduling chats here and there. I've also added a separate twitter feed on the spycam, chat and shows pages to notify people of upcoming chats and shows and spycam stuff.
I've made a goal for myself that once Delia has 750 members and I have 500 members, I will add 15+ hours of chat per month back into the schedule as long as we can maintain those numbers and people seem to enjoy the chats. I know that 1250 members sounds like a lot, but in the grand scheme of things it's inexcusable that we don't have that many and more members right now. When I see the way other porn sites have tons of members and offer so much less than we do, it really makes me mad at myself because there's no reason we cannot be comfortable, debt-free and have the resources we need to make our sites better.
I just can't justify doing as much as we've been doing and staying so deeply in debt. I'm getting too old for it and it's taking too much of a toll on me. I need to buckle down and sell the fuck out of our sites, especially Delia's because she has much less competition.
*LOOSEY-GOOSEY UPDATES For about five years I was very rigid about my update schedule for members, posting something new every week, and for many years on the exact same DAY each week. I still feel like that's the ideal way to do things (scheduled updates one or more times a week, depending on whether or not the site has anything else going for it).
Once we made our sites all-access (join one you get them all) I tried to relax a little on that and am finally feeling less anal about it. Now I am focused on our network of sites added ten or more new things each month, which isn't two hard considering that we have DeliaCD, TastyTrixie, AmberLily, SpyOnUs and TrixiesHouseboy (which is paralyzed right now, but I digress). Still, I have been asking too much of myself and not really giving myself the opportunities to excel at what I do best and WANT to do most at any given time. When I see other sites that I think are great (and so do their members) and they don't get all crazy freaking out on themselves for not updating like clockwork, I have to think I'm just sabotaging myself with self-criticism and essentially also disrespecting the work my colleagues do; if it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for me?
This was especially apparent to me when AmberLily joined our network; it was a sudden thing, so we didn't plan on it by having a bunch of our own content queued up ready to go while we did the things we needed to do to help get her site up on our server and attached to us. It wasn't that anything I did was particularly HARD, but it did take a lot of hours making phone calls, designing a tour, negotiating stuff, etc. Lots of little things that made me happy to do, but meant I didn't have time to do other things. I *should* have said, "hey members! This month I won't be posting new updates but AmberLily's joining us and you will have her entire site to explore to make up for it!" But I didn't do that.
From now on, I NEED to do that; realize I can't do it all, and be proud of what I *do* do, and satisfied that it is enough instead of thinking all will be lost unless I run myself into the ground. The opposite is proving to be true (duh): all will be lost if I continue to run myself ragged. I'm totally out of gas, which is sad especially when there are a number of women who would like to join our network of sites and I simply don't have time and energy to invest in working with them right now.
There are tons of things I've neglected to do that I need to get taken care of, like redesigning the free areas and blogs for pretty much all of our paysites. How many years have I had the same confusing design on this blog and my site that is now totally outdated with pages of broken things, old pictures, etc.? It's just unacceptable. And no, I am not listening to anybody who gives me shit about all my other little "projects" and how if I didn't waste time with them I could finish all these neglected necessaries. Bullshit. If I didn't allow myself to go off on tangents, then half of the reward of working for myself would be totally fucking DELETED. Whatever makes me want to do those things is the same thing that makes me good at the things people PAY for.
Oh, and speaking of what people pay for, I still really miss doing phone sex, private shows and the potential to do other one-on-one stuff; another set of things I'd like to mix back into my life soon or when we meet some of those money goals.
Basically I am *considering* posting fewer updates to the TastyTrixie members area for a few months or until I feel/look healthier. Lately I've been doubling up on them/posting "late", mostly because I haven't been happy with a lot of my content and sit on updates until I have something "better" to go with them. In fact, that's what I've been doing with a set of pictures that I edited this week and really kind of hate.
Mostly I guess I need to stop making promises and just focus on making content. And even more than that, SALES. Note: it's not that our content isn't good enough to make sales or that we don't have enough of it or that our members-only areas are lacking; that isn't the problem at all. It's simply that the webmasters promoting most porn sites don't know how to promote us, or have never heard of us because we have no advertising budget, or it's just not worth it to them to promote us because we can't pay them as much as these big sites do (yet another subject for another blog entry) or we don't give them enough free content in the format they like with a lot of bells and whistles and things to make it super-easy (I totally understand why this puts us at a disadvantage).
I know this is a really long post and maybe a total bore to most people, but I feel like I needed to communicate this stuff in writing and by posting it, make a commitment to it myself. Long story short, we need to focus on meeting some attainable, yet very immediately necessary sales goals. I have to close two of my credit card accounts before they raise the interest rates to some even-more god-awful amount; this shit is getting down to the wire and we simply have to stop living on the edge.
One of my favorite books about "unschooling" tells readers that when you allow a young person to escape the lock-step of traditional schools, the person usually needs three months or more to get it out of their system and have their natural curiosity well up enough to be motivated to take advantage of other learning opportunities. Note: there are many things I love about traditional schools AND alternative approaches to education; I'm not knocking schools, just using this as an example. As I've alluded to in recent posts, making great life-changing decisions doesn't always yield immediate relief and results and instant accomplishments; I've been pretty exhausted and overwhelmed on a bunch of different levels so I really don't expect everything to magically be PERFECT and I hope my members are patient and understand that too, though I totally understand if people feel like canceling and perhaps coming back later when I have more to offer.
I'm really looking forward to getting back to making our spycams more entertaining, focusing on Delia's and my relationship to each other, and feeling better about my body. Today's the seventh day in a row I've exercised and I know by the time the new year rolls around I'm going to feel a million percent better (if the holidays don't kill me ;).
Let me toss some tgirl-on-tgirl porn at you before I get all personal and diary-ish(click for free pics & sample vid):
This is my favorite photo in the samples and in general that whole shoot was really hot to watch, plus I love that the resulting porn is both explicit and very sensual. I need to work on my skills as a photographer shooting people other than Delia, though. With Mandy and AmberLily I didn't do a good job of stopping them and asking them to hold "poses", so as a result there were lots of blurry and awkward shots -- good ones, too, but could've been better. We're still getting used to our new camera which is FAST, but since we don't shoot with a flash or a lot of light we still have to MODEL semi-slowly even though it's tempting when you hear the shutter flying along to dance fluidly along.
Life is good -- there are lots of things going on with me which are mostly connected with making a concerted effort to have LESS things going on and focus on a few high priority things. Right now my personal priorities are:
-exercising consistently (today will be five days in a row) -eating less sugar and starches -going to twelve step meetings & getting healthier emotionally and spiritually -cutting back on a few things to make room for a) making money more efficiently and b) doing more things that I love
The past couple of years my body has become more and more of a challenge for me to feel good about, mostly because I never got into the habit of taking care of it except for getting enough sleep. With the added pressure (and wake-up-calls) of trying to get pregnant but not being able to, it's gotten to the point where I feel really shitty with a litany of symptoms and complaints and hypochondriac fantasies. Long story short, I need to put myself and my health first before everything (and everybody) else.
A lot of times I sacrifice my own needs and desires to work which really is stupid because I can't *do* this kind of work very well when my body feels like shit and I don't provide myself with pleasure on all levels. I can barely stand to look at myself which is, ummm, pretty counterproductive for shooting porn (and editing/posting/selling it myself where I have to look at myself and love myself to do a good job). It's not that everything looks shitty, but seriously -- it's not only difficult for me to bend over to tie my shoes these days, it's PHYSICALLY PAINFUL. My guts fucking hurt.
Before people rush to simple judgments like, "duh! That's what happens when you sit on your ass all day", etc. let me offer a little perspective and extend some leniency to myself; there are definitely some hormonal problems contributing to my issues (all of the thyroid / infertility / depression / migraine / too-much-testosterone stuff and more all connected in a which-came-first/chicken-egg circle of insanity) plus the stuff we've been going through with alcoholism that no one has really been aware of or how it's been effecting us; *I* haven't even been aware of how much of my energy was going into trying to cope with it.
One of the unexpected bonuses of Delia getting sober is that I got to enter recovery too. Only I totally didn't anticipate how hard it would be or that I would totally fucking freak out (which I did, surprisingly, really fall-the-fuck apart the first month and couldn't really understand why when I thought I would just feel relieved and everything would be bliss and perfection). Now that Delia is sober and I'm not constantly thinking about her and trying to control her drinking, I'm left with the way bigger, scarier challenge and problem of mySELF and my own fucked-upedness. Patterns of behavior and sickness that I had before Delia and I ever even met.
I feel really optimistic, excited and fortunate right now, but I also feel like I need a lot of space and time and patience to get healthy in more ways than one. It takes more than a week or a month or three months or a year to feel relief, to figure out what to change (and what IS changing whether you want it to or not), to adapt, and to grow into new ways of doing things. I'm kind of tired and have a lot of stuff to process and let go of so just mending my body, our relationship and going to meetings right now is enough to keep me very occupied. I'd say that I'm sorry I don't have more left over to spread around and to keep doing all the things I was trying to do, but I'm not sorry. I'm happy to be focused on what's important.
Note: I'm leaving comments open for people who want to remark on the Delia & Mandy shoot or those who have their own personal sharing/relating on the subjects I talked about, but I usually do not feel helped by comments containing unsolicited advice, analysis of me/us/our lives and/or criticism even when I know they're well-intentioned.
The other night we heard Martin Short ask Conan O'Brien if it's okay to say "penis" on television. Conesy assured him that if it's a "medical" word you can say it on tv. So they said it, "PENIS", over and over. Martin also said, "ding dong", "my unit" and a whole bunch of other terms as he used his hands to indicate EXACTLY what part of his body he was talking about.
Guess what happens if you do a search for "clitoris"? BIG FAT ZERO.
I only learned of this reading Susie Bright's post about this twisted double standard. Of course, to be fair, "vagina" doesn't seem to be considered a dirty word since I just turned on strict filtering and did a search for that term and came up with (considerably fewer than penis) results so . . . yeah.
It IS upsetting and there's clearly a weird double standard; it's hilarious (in a very dark way) that anyone would think a clitoris is more dangerous than a penis, and "dangerous" IS the opposite of "safe", isn't it? Still, I don't know that I feel exactly the same way about it that Susie does, though I think hers is an important perspective full of many truths and that we should all be pissed off about this kind of bullshit. But part of the hate, shame, and willful ignorance of women and women's bodies is wrapped up in the shame and disgust men feel (and women AND MANY *FEMINISTS* REINFORCE AND ENCOURAGE) over straight men's sexual response to women. If it's a part of the body that makes a straight man's dick hard -- something they want to see and touch and lick and talk about and see pictures of -- then it needs to be censored to save those crazed pudwhackers from themselves and the women from the damage that is wrought when men think of women in a sexual way!
I'm not sure "the giant obscene 'F' word in Internet censorship is feminism". Yes, I think this is a feminist issue, for sure, but I don't think the sole or even the primary motive for/cause of banning a word like "clitoris" from google's safe search is a clear desire to silence feminists and shroud women and their bodies in a reinforced veil of ignorance. Sure, that's one of many RESULTS (and there are plenty of places where plenty of people DO make silencing feminists and campaigning against women and knowledge of women's bodies number one on their agenda) and it's easy to see why Susie would feel especially pissed about it when she's not one of the sex-negative feminists who thinks that every boner sprung is a rape waiting to happen (a way of thinking that, combined with the conservative, supposedly apolitical woman's belief that every time a man masturbates to pictures of women who aren't his wife that a family is destroyed, has made the men who are still in charge very eager to PRETEND to try to disapprove along with us of their dirty habit of jacking off over images of our bodies) . . . and when you turn safe search off to find "clitoris", the seventh page-one result is her post on the internal clitoris, etc. Obviously safe search filters could make it harder for Susie to sell books.
A little diversion: laughably, the retarded UNfactual "ask men dating and love tip" page on "understanding the clitoris" ranks higher than Susie's or Scarleteen's pages, but that's probably because a site like AskMen works a lot harder on search engine optimization than educators, artists, writers, political activists, etc.). The web used to be more of a woman, but now it's poorly micromanaged by algorithms cooked up by men. Are their little mathematical formulas conscious attempts to censor feminist obscenities (like truth)? No. I don't think so.
There are so many more pointed ways that women and the truths about our bodies told from our own perspectives are smacked down by corporate censors that the banned google clitoris isn't at the top of my list of things to use as an example. It's the more obvious and uncomplicated stuff I've had to deal with as a pornographer (one of those "commercial porn-makers" Susie identifies as someone who she thinks doesn't suffer from bans and censorship the way artists, writers, educators and political activists do, which is an annoying and probably unintentional slap in the face I've felt delivered from the latter group and their "poor, starving, I-do-it-for-love-not-money mentality" before -- I guess they always think we'll know that they don't mean pornographers like Tony Comstock who of course get to be included as ARTISTES) that really chap my hide as clear-cut cases of misogyny combined with the anti-sex backlash perpetrated by the feminists who deign to speak for all of us. Again, it's not that Susie is one of those people, it's just that I see feminism as one of many complex contributors to internet censorship, not just a victim of it.
So what IS a clear cut case of anti-woman, ignorance-enforcing internet censorship? When credit card companies and their processors tell me my body (and yours, if you're a woman) is OBSCENE when I'm menstruating and I'm not allowed to talk about it or show pictures of it or have sex with myself or other people while I'm having my period on any domain where I make money selling my porn. When they spider our sites looking for banned words, take them out of context and threaten to take away our ability to be paid for our work even when it IS political, educational, artistic, etc. Guess what? Google is not the entity afraid of my bloody pussy. Google is not the entity hiding or demanding I delete blog entries discussing political, legal and ethical issues containing banned words. I just have to cross my fingers when I make posts like this one that they won't come fuck with me, but technically I am defying their terms of service right now by posting this and could have my business shut down because of it. And it's not just "the man" who's against me, it's the (other) feminists, too.
Censorship isn't something you can blame all on men and their holy penises and their desire to stamp out feminism. And I'm starting to rethink that great old joke she mentioned; "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." It's totally true, but I'll bet if that were the case today, feminists would quickly become the new pro-lifers. The gender wars are far from one-sided and I've been hit by a whole fucking lot of "friendly fire" over here on "our" side.
I know I'm being oversensitive and carelessly lobbing my own grenades in the wrong direction at people who are my allies, but oversimplifying everything as "anti-feminist" undermines all of our arguments and neglects to acknowledge the ways that some of feminism's "successes" have led to these failures along the way. There's a bit Bill Maher does that annoys the FUCK out of me to listen to (off-topic sidenote: I didn't like much about "Religulous", fyi), but I can't help thinking of it right now because some of it's true and applicable:
My guess is that banning "clitoris" has very little (if anything) to do with a campaign to censor feminist thought and information and women's bodies, and a whole lot more to do with thoughtlessness along with this thing Bill Maher talks about, with men trained to bow to "feminized"/feminINE values that anything that makes them erect is BAD. When you layer that onto the big problems that we SHOULD be focusing on like a) the people that make decisions in big companies being men, and b) men assuming everyone who uses their tools (like search engines) ARE men, and c) all men are straight, you wind up with guys jumping to the conclusion that any search for a clitoris is one that's going to make someone bust a nut and is therefore unsafe. Or maybe a whole lot of confused and retarded thought WAS put into it (with a, b and c still factored in) and they decided that since, as feminists will proudly point out to you, they've heard that clitoris is the only organ with the sole function of PLEASURE, and MEN HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THAT THEIR PLEASURE IS BAD if they experience it themselves, especially by objectifying women in pictures or on the internet, that it should be banned. Or maybe it's totally ridiculous to imagine ANY THOUGHT WHATSOEVER went into this arbitrary "decision". I highly doubt that a bunch of people came together in a room with a picture of a cock on one side of the chalkboard and a vulva on the other, and came to a consensus that CLITORIS is a dirty word but PENIS isn't, and high-fived each other on the way out the door saying, "right on, man! Another way to stick it to feminism!!"
Ultimately I think it's paranoid to say, "it's been clear for a long time that the giant obscene "F" word in Internet censorship is feminism." And untrue. And I say that as someone who believes it IS true that feminism (and accurate information about women) is censored, misrepresented, considered obscene and something to quash and oppose on a very large, grand scale. I just don't think that's the case here with google and the clitoris, and if you want to point at double standards, the more glaring one is ignoring how much power and influence feminists and women in general have had and continue to wield in censoring the internet, art, and women who capitalize (the first offense) on men's desires by selling them access to their bodies (second offense). It's wrong to imply that feminist writers, artists, etc. have suffered more from internet censorship than pornographers.
Sure, feminist writers, artists, etc. make less money than smut peddlers as a whole, but that disparity has nothing to do with censorship - porn makes money in SPITE of censorship that FAVORS women writers and artists (who don't create graphic material that is VISUAL), and is DEMANDED by the tag team duo of feminists and conservative women. You want to know why most women don't make money on the internet? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. Because they don't even try. Because they are content sitting around bitching and blogging and crying on each other's shoulders feeling superior because they aren't whores motivated by money, no they care about PRINCIPLES and getting warm fuzzies commiserating with each other and expect the "community" to take care of them rather than creating something marketable and making enough money to buy influence and support their causes themselves. Because they rely on the man to pay them just enough that they can bitch about it being unfair and that they only do it because they HAVE to, rather than BECOMING the man long enough and with enough success that they can subvert the system. Women don't make money because they love just scraping by and they think that makes them superior to men, because they don't think big except in terms of imagining some big plot designed to keep them barefoot and pregnant.
Whatever. Enough of this baloney -- I need to stop being a hypocrite and make me some fucking money.
These pics of me wearing shiny thigh-high boots are from a new set of photos I'm posting for my members soon:
My mom, sister and nephew spent a couple of nights with us so I haven't gotten much work done the past few days, but here are a few posts you might have missed with examples of my masturbation fodder. For those of you who are curious about what I get off on when I have a couple minutes to pursue such things, lately I head to Rude for the homemade masturbation videos guys upload there themselves (I know the ads are annoying, but I'm a member so I don't have to see them):
EXPOSED MEMBERS: As you can tell by the number of videos regular guys post online for free featuring themselves jacking off -- sometimes in the most humiliating of ways -- a lot of men are not only exhibitionists, but get off on the idea of being forced or coerced into exposing themselves in embarrassing ways, being laughed at, having their penises inspected, and being ordered to masturbate for onlookers. There's even a porn niche called "CFNM" (clothed female nude male) featuring men at the mercy of women who make them do these things for their entertainment.
CFNM is one of my favorite types of fetish scenarios because it revolves around the fantasy of women making men perform "against their will" with the balance of power being tipped in women's favor (pretty unusual in porn). I also love role plays with a lot of build-up, which most CFNM scenes have. There's a new site called CFNM Secret which is a fun attempt by one of the big corporate porn giants to exploit this market. I personally prefer Pure CFNM because they seem to "get it" more, but maybe CFNM Secret will appeal to a broader audience. I'm not so much into scenes where the chicks suck and fuck the guys, and I prefer for the men to look psychologically TORMENTED and completely aghast at being unable to control their own sexual response, but pretty much any CFNM scene turns me on way more than generic porn unless it's the bachelorette party scenario where they go wild for male strippers (yawn).
I understand why guys enjoy fantasizing about being male strippers, but as someone who's been to events where they've been hired, even when those dudes are outnumbered and getting paid they still act like they're in charge of us and what happens, and that pisses me off. I will never forget the fucker who came to a bachelorette party and overstayed his welcome for HOURS lecturing us on NAFTA while most of the girls tolerated and even encouraged it while I drunkenly got in his face telling him he was WAY out of line, to shut the fuck up and to leave. Fifteen years later, the memory of it STILL makes me mad. The only time I've seen a male stripper behave properly (submit to women and entertain them, rather than himself) was a black guy with a circus penis (down to his knee, NO JOKE) at a house party with mostly black women. He kept his mouth shut and performed without acting like he needed to intimidate us. He was eager to please and seemed to genuinely get off on being in a submissive position without demanding extra attention. We got to USE him and he seemed to know that was what he was there for.
As I write this I am fully aware that I would freak out if I saw a guy writing about female sex workers this way; I know I have a double standard on this (men who are hired to entertain women should KEEP THEIR YAPS SHUT), but there's still a double standard in the Americas with men doing most of the talking and controlling and women doing most of the submitting and listening. I can't help it that role plays reversing that power imbalance are a turn-on to me both sexually and emotionally. It's like therapy; I get a big charge out of it.
After our trip to my psychiatrist, we drove a little more to spend the night with our friend, Ron Carlo. We had an idea for a new porn site to pitch to him and wound up staying awake until 4:30 in the morning excitedly talking about it and brainstorming. Here's the domain and a little of the concept:
I know, you're thinking I'm crazy, always coming up with ideas that I don't have time to develop, but that's the beauty of this one; we aren't doing it alone. Delia and I can do a lot (we DO do a lot) as a couple, but adding just one more awesome person to the mix expands the possibilities exponentially.
While this is a business venture, I'm more excited about it for personal and creative reasons. It's an excuse to spend more time with Ron (and his family when we're not actually shooting) and it really is true that so much more can be accomplished by a team than by individuals. The difference between two people and three is GIGANTIC, especially when that third person has tools, skills, talents, and experience that we don't have. Ron knows what it takes to produce and market video and music on a variety of different budgets and timelines and his experience is super-varied. He is very familiar with our sites. We are familiar with each other's tastes and turn-ons. Over the past three years or so of working with him on projects like this one and True Necromance, we know each other's strengths and weaknesses, we get along really well, we are comfortable being honest with each other, our personalities balance each other out, we have a lot of important things in common with him and hanging out with him always uncorks a deluge of creativity. I LOVE THAT! He is resourceful, funny, optimistic, encouraging, smart, well-rounded, and he treats people with dignity and respect.
The rest of his family shares those qualities which is important since spending a lot of time with him also means visiting with his family (though not shooting porn with them) since we don't have an office or studio (and because we like them). My family knows about and is supportive of my work and I know that makes a huge difference in how I *feel* about being a webwhore; it makes me really happy to work with people who are similarly blessed with supportive and creative family members. I know it sounds hokey, but the "energy" is just better when people aren't keeping secrets from their loved ones and can talk about work with them. The second time we worked with Ron it was at his house where his wife is the one who picked out and sewed my costume and dressed me. Everywhere in the house was evidence of the things they value: art, activism, education, music, etc. They are people we care about which adds an extra incentive to this project and our desire for it to succeed.
Somehow this post is sounding like a letter of recommendation which isn't what I intended, it's just me counting our many blessings and sharing PART of why we are so excited about this project. We've been dying to branch out, shoot other people and do more creative things with our porn -- things that we can continue to do as we get older that showcase more of our personalities and assets than the physical ones. We are so lucky Ron is excited and willing to take a risk on this project with us; the concept is something completely unique to him and an exaggeration of dynamics that could really only exist between the three of us. We would not and could not put this together alone or with anyone besides Ron. We can't wait to see what emerges in two months, six months, a year from now and so on.
In the meantime, Delia and I are working hard to get ahead on updates for TastyTrixie.com and DeliaCD.com so that our current members don't suffer while we're shooting, building and launching imakeporno.com (again, it will be part of our network so membership to one of our sites includes access to all: our current members will automatically get access to the new site if they are still active when it opens). I'm hoping to launch before Thanksgiving, but Ron is aiming for SOONER!
A few photos from my most recent members-only gallery (which I think is totally charming, by the way, and I don't say that about ALL of my pictures):
I was pretty proud of our efforts in getting up early to shoot outside before the light got all freaky. Mostly I'm posting these pics though so you'll have visual reassurance that I'm not having a nervous breakdown or anything. I'm so happy just to have boobs!
Somewhere between this entry and the one before it is the truth.
Here's a little insight into part of our work for those of you interested in how we get our photos from the camera to our porn site members and blogs:
Every time I post a tweet letting members/voyeurs know they're watching me at the computer "editing pics", I wonder if people are thinking, "what does that entail, anyway?" So here's the process (Delia does hers a little differently than I do, so I'm just saying what I do):
1) We transfer the image files from our camera to a computer where we store all of our full size, unedited image files. We use a usb cable rather than removing the card every time and using a card reader, which seems to be the more popular way that most people do it. Not us, though. I've always used the cable because a) it came with our cameras, but card readers did not, and b) I prefer to avoid handling our memory cards that often; I think it's better not to touch them and expose them to dust, etc. so the only time we remove our memory cards is if we're shooting away from home, fill up a card, and need to put in a new card to take pictures. Estimated time: 5-30 minutes depending on how many pics we took (usually 75-200 per set, and we often shoot multiple sets on one card); it definitely takes longer with our new camera since each pic is 4288x2848 pixels and around five to nine megabytes.
2) At this point we often take a look through the pictures to assess how we did and talk about why the look good or don't. You'll see us doing this with our heads tilting back and forth since pics we took as portraits are laying on their sides in landscape. Estimated time: varies between 2 and 30 minutes
3) We make COPIES of the original files and put them on our working machines. Estimated time: virtually none as long as we aren't having annoying network problems
4) I go through the photos and delete duplicates, ugly pics, pics with bad lighting, etc. Because our sites are homemade with an amateur appeal, I leave in a lot of "bad" pics because even the blurry ones and ones I think are unflattering usually have some redeeming quality (ex. my face looks bad, but my butt looks great, or the light is not technically excellent and the picture's not print-ready, but it still evokes a mood and helps tie the images together so there's some movement from one image to the next). Sometimes I do leave in poses that are nearly identical; the standards for porn sites are very different from artistic photography sites because we aren't trying to exhibit our very best PHOTOGRAPHY, we're trying to give people pictures to arouse them AND meet the quantity expectations porn review sites look for.
Very subtle differences in two like photos can make one jack-worthy to one person while the other is not. Let's say there's an image where I have an enticing expression on my face, but my feet are cut out of the frame. Then there's another nearly identical picture where I my double chin is highlighted, but my feet are all there and looking great. One guy who loves feet will be happy I included the ugly-face, feet-included pic, while another who doesn't care about feet will only be interested in my come-hither look in the other photo. That's why I leave in a lot of less-than-perfect and repetitious images. Still, I sometimes take a lot of time deciding whether or not to keep or toss pictures. Estimated time: 5-20 minutes
5) I open three photos at a time in Photoshop. I use a hotkey I've set up to rotate the image (if necessary) and another hotkey to resize the photo to my specifications. I look at each image more closely than before, adjusting levels to brighten them up if necessary, add more contrast, and adjust the color balance as needed; because we don't use a flash or tons of lights and we often rely on natural light or a combination, there's often a lot of variation in our photos even when we've taken all of them in one location. We might move in and out of different colors and levels of light so it does NOT work to apply a process on a whole batch of photos, I have to look at and edit each image individually.
I also use the bandaid tool to cover up zits or ingrown hairs sometimes. Sometimes I crop and size pictures more creatively if I need more close-ups or really need to get rid of some distraction in the picture to salvage something good about it. Very rarely I will apply filters (soft blur, etc.) to images or just fuck around seeing what those look like without committing to them. We *do not* change color photos into black and white using Photoshop, Well, hardly ever. Almost all of the black and white pictures on our sites were SHOT in black and white.
6) I save each picture WITHOUT optimizing them (making the file size smaller for web suitability) because I want to keep a copies of high quality edited versions of each photo since one picture might be used in a number of places in a number of ways. Sometimes I save duplicates of images I especially like in a "promo" folder at a different size with a border added that I use for posting in our blogs. I have a promo folder inside each edited gallery folder. Estimated time for steps five and six: 30-120 minutes
7) I go through the pictures again to see if there are more I want to delete.
8) Sometimes I rename files so that they will be presented in an order that makes better sense (move pictures we took in the middle to the beginning, etc.). Estimated time for steps seven and eight: 0-10 minutes
After all of that, I build the gallery which is another process entirely.
ESTIMATED TOTAL TIME SPENT ON THIS PROCESS FOR EACH GALLERY: 45 minutes to three and a half hours
I enjoy this process quite a bit (especially if I look halfway decent in the pictures) and appreciate taking the time to really SEE what were making. It's pleasurable, meditative, hot and it makes me feel productive. I also think it's important we do this work (and do it ourselves) because it teaches us what does and doesn't work with posing, lighting, camera settings, framing, etc.
Want to know more behind-the-scenes info regarding our pics? Check out this entry on how much one shoot cost: ARE OUR SHOOTS WORTH IT?
Allow me to direct more frustrated gazes towards the marvelous "PLineWorld". When our friends introduced it to us, I was immediately smitten and HYPNOTIZED by the flash preview.
Even though I do not have time to enjoy porn memberships right now, just the realization that even if I DID, I'd need a translator to figure out how to signup/couldn't figure out how makes me agitated with lust. They've done a great job luring me in . . . because those pictures are very VERY alluring (clicking on the member login takes you to previews of the galleries with samples, which of course make you really want to see the thumbnails that are NOT clickable to non-members).
Would love to blog about a million things (my questionable ethics, clarification about what is probably a "justice" fetish, etc.), respond to this and that (and blog about when it is and when it isn't reasonable to expect a response from me), but . . . I haven't got the time right this instant. I did want to share something tasty with you, though, so enjoy PLineWorld! It's a very inspiring place . . .
Today I spotted a really good deal for webmasters on a huge stash of hot Russian fetish porn so I bought it and decided to use it to start building a bonus site for our members. Tonight I'll post a gallery of fifty of my favorites; the following are samples from that gallery:
I bought this package not only because it was cheap, but because it contains so many things I love: gloves, inflatables, peeing, smiling natural-looking girls, outdoor nudity, white panties & socks, and a host of other naughty things. It's hard to believe the content broker advertised it as his "ugly girls package". Snort. There's some insight into the porn industry mentality (in case you need any, which I doubt).
My hope is to make this bonus site to house bought content (non-exclusive stuff I like, but we didn't shoot ourselves) and be more of a story site with my own little fantasy narrative to accompany my favorite images from each set. I know! WHY am I starting another project? It's not really a big thing to do, though, and not something I need to crank out or "complete" any time soon; it's more like adding another feature to our sites and inspiration for me to write more porno stories which are conspicuously small in number on our sites as it stands. I like riffing off of strangers in content other people have shot. It's fun/hot, plus I feel the need to bulk up on the stories because a) the types of people who dig our sites also seem to dig stories, b) it offers insight into my own turn-ons which is part of the personality people expect from me, and c) to offer a little more of the type of content women gravitate towards (IN GENERAL; of course not all women like their porn in story form, but a whole lot DO rely upon the written word for masturbation fodder and think huge sets of 200 pics are totally fucking boring). Stories are pretty cool because they don't require a bunch of money or extra people to produce outrageous scenarios; you just need time (which IS money, I know) and a pervy imagination.
Speaking of stories, here's the latest on the "Red Rose"/Karen Fletcher case in which a woman was prosecuted by the federal government for OBSCENITY. She was convicted of a thought crime right here in AMERICA! I don't know how to explain this if you don't already know it, but it should not be acceptable to any of us that the government thinks WRITING about criminal behavior and publishing it IS a crime in itself, no matter how unsavory the subject matter. Even if people are jacking off to it. Especially when there are shows on television like Law & Order: Special Victims Unit which is big corporate porn of exactly the same stripe as Karen Fletcher's, only maybe it's worse because people delude themselves into thinking they're watching those fictions not out of "prurient interest" (which is the language the law uses to say certain media is used as jack-off material rather than some more socially-acceptable form of entertainment - I call it the pornography of abuse and it's how Oprah MADE her fortune) but because it's somehow good for society. What a crock of shit. You cannot flip past that show for ten seconds without some Daddy creeping into a family bedroom he shouldn't be in or seeing a child shivering naked in a bathtub or hearing the word RAPE. People obviously get off on that shit in many different ways. Let me clarify, I'm not condemning human nature here (most of us are drawn in one way or another to the horrifyingly sick, scary and macabre), I'm condemning the double standards that criminalize speech that SHOULD be protected by the First Amendment while giving the entertainment industry fucking Golden Globe awards for the same shit wrapped in a different package and set of excuses.
If Karen Fletcher was DOING the things she wrote about or printing the stories up on fliers and distributing them at elementary schools, well OF COURSE she should be not just prosecuted, but locked up for life. But she wasn't. That's not what the Department of Justice went after her for. They went after her for sitting at home in complete isolation, putting words on a computer and then onto the internet. WORDS. She thought about bad things and shared those bad thoughts with a whopping audience of twenty-nine people who sought out and chose to read them. Would I want to be her friend or have her over to babysit? Of course fucking not. What I want is for us all to prosecute and put people in prison WHO ACTUALLY COMMIT CRIMES. Not just imagine crimes in their heads.
Today's show day; I did anal (always a hit) during my first show then Delia and I had a long, relaxed, pleasurable sex session on our spycams. Now she's about to do a show then I have another one tonight. It's funny how sometimes doing webcam shows makes me not want to do anything else sexual that day, and other times it totally charges me up. Today was one of those days where the show definitely augmented my non-show sex drive.
As I've mentioned before, I do a poor job of rewarding or even acknowledging myself when I've met goals or done a good job on something; I tend to want to just go on to the next thing. It's not that I'm never proud of myself, it's just that I don't really soak the feeling up long enough. The other day I decided to do something about that to start the new month off properly; I made a list of my accomplishments for July and progress I made on certain monthly goals. While we only met our sales goals five days out of the whole month, I got confirmation that my only derogatory item on my credit report was removed after I contested it in June. I also have a new goal to blog at least fifteen times a month and managed to exceed that with twenty-two blog entries (spread over a number of blogs, not just this one) and four vlogs for members. We also exceeded our goals for shooting content.
We also have a goal to take four days off (REALLY completely off, the whole day) per month. That's one that we didn't achieve in July, but whatever. You can't accomplish everything, right? Even if it's scheduling leisure time. I also failed to have four hardcore email catchup days (or really to respond to much email at all).
The cool thing about going through this ritual of accomplishment-listing is it's also an opportunity to remind myself what my goals are. Not that I want this month to go by quickly, but I'm looking forward to going through this process again when September hits us.
During an idle search for free porn from one of my favorite porn stars, Chloe, I ran across the infamous Chloe Sevigny blowjob scene that I, for one, had never heard of until now even though the (art, not porn) movie (The Brown Bunny) came out in 2003:
I've always liked Chloe Sevigny so maybe that contributed to my feeling that the scene is very hot, real and intimate, but when I started googling to find out more about the scene and the movie, I found a blog entry CRITICIZING her "performance" as "sub-par at best". The blogger went on to say that she could have done a much better job herself. Then her commentators decided the scene was probably faked, maybe even with a prosthetic penis (one said that Vincent Gallo didn't seem "the type" to have that large of a cock).
I really despise people who sit at home on the internet criticizing the sex other people have. It's not that I don't appreciate seeing a really beautiful cocksucker with mad BJ skills, but that doesn't take anything away from other blowjob scenes. It would never have crossed my mind to critique this scene in any way; I can only see hotness - she looks and sounds amazing and totally into it, and the action seems recognizably real (to me, at least). I seriously don't understand what other people are thinking, but they strike me as bored, desensitized, horrid little people. Not that I myself have never seen sex scenes that have made me cringe, but Jesus CHRIST! If I were to go on my own rampage about the so-called "porn culture" I'd say this is one its most lamentable characteristics: judging all sex by some artificial porn-blockbuster standard.
Maybe I'm touchy about this because I've been on the receiving end of these critiques myself from people who think that because we have spycams and do live shows that we're asking to be rated and critiqued like we're in the fucking sexual Olympics or something. Regular sex just isn't GOOD enough for some people anymore, even when it's clear that the people having it are totally lost in it and enjoying themselves. I don't even think it's a "porn culture" thing so much as an "extreme sports culture" thing. Like if your actions don't require a recommendation from safety experts for knee pads and a helmet (which of COURSE you will shun because you're a porn/sport DAREDEVIL!) then you're (yawn) BORING and under-skilled. And the internet invites everybody to be a critic and demonstrate BAD FORM in manners and humanity. Ugh!
She sucked her ex-boyfriend's cock on film. What THE FUCK is the big deal? For real! I don't get it. What business do other people have judging her for it? Clearly we haven't become so pornified that people have discarded their fucked up judgmental senses of "decency" and emotionally retarded moral outrage. I know this was five years ago, but I doubt the response would be any different today. People. Suck. COCK. They always have and they always will. And FYI, a BJ has to be really REALLY bad to not be lovely.
Honestly? I only hastily skimmed the post and avoided taking a close look at the comments. Not because I don't think it's a worthwhile discussion. Not because I don't want to help "represent" the feminist pornographers of the world. But because for me right now, the most feminist thing I can do is make money and be free of debt, because paying credit card companies tons of interest is totally not feminist. With that being my focus I view reading and participating in these oft-irrational discussions as a big waste of my time. I was much MUCH happier reading the Feministe post on The Golden Girls which I, of course, agree with.
WARNING: reading the following rambling may be a total waste of YOUR time, but it was highly therapeutic for me to write about it.
I've got a number of drafted blog posts and of course plenty of thoughts about sex, feminism, porn, and all that "good" stuff (or bad stuff, depending on your perspective). But I'll take this opportunity to just briefly touch on a few of my positions and answer the question, in short form, of whether or not I think the porn *I* make is feminist.
*Making money (and especially being self-employed, and especially making GOOD money, ESPECIALLY if it's better money than men are making and especially all of these things in THIS country and cultural context) is feminist. Even if you're making money on something that seems totally counterproductive to feminism.
*The interesting thing -- the KEY thing -- is acknowledging that behaviors and products (and I use that term very loosely -- could be a piece of merchandise or the end result of certain behaviors or a speech or whatever) can be feminist in some ways, and not in others. You can do something that makes feminist progress in one area, but is regressive in another. That duality is intrinsic to the movement(s) and anybody who thinks it's possible to be and live and think and affect 100% feminist is fucking delusional. Because you can't control other people's reactions. Because sometimes making progress in one direction means distancing yourself from another point on your (or the group's) carefully mapped travel plans. Because everybody has something unique to contribute, and while they might excel in one area, they won't in another. THAT'S WHY WE NEED DIFFERENT WOMEN REPRESENTING DIFFERENTLY. Because it's not feminist at all to think we all want the same things, or to demand that we pursue the same things. Because it's humanly impossible to consistently put FEMINISM before yourself all the time. Because for some of us feminism means putting OURSELVES (specifically MYSELF or YOURSELF, in your case if you are a woman) first. Because life is just way more complex than "feminist" or "not feminist".
Maybe it's like a big scavenger hunt. There are tons of things on our list, things we should have RIGHTS to. Maybe you go look for education. Maybe sister over there goes and looks for health care. Maybe another goes and looks for safety. I hope there's someone out there looking for reparations. MAYBE I WILL LOOK FOR THE MONEY. Maybe I will look for proof that my body is not YOUR body, and maybe you'll be fucking confused because you think that if I sell my body to a man that I'm violating YOURS. Maybe I will have time to hold your hand and we can find RATIONAL THOUGHT together, huh? Wouldn't that be nice. Maybe we'll all accept that we all have the right to anger, and that a lot of it is righteously directed at each other.
Maybe you have no clue how often I advocate for some of the most unpopular feminist causes and rights while I am in some of the most hostile environments for doing so in the first world. Maybe you have no idea how much thicker the leather is on my militant boots than yours and your buddies, with your unproductive running-off-at-the-mouth. Maybe you underestimate how much more effective being feminist is on this platform than on yours. Maybe I love getting ALL. FIRED. UP! Maybe that's why I suppress my work on it so often. Because that fire comes close to incapacitating me with screaming.
This is so not short or coherent the way I planned for it to be, but it's making ME feel better, and THAT is feminist.
*Do I, Trixie, make feminist porn (if such a thing exists)? I do think feminist porn exists/is possible. I totally disagree with anyone who thinks it's a contradiction in terms. At the root of that mistaken belief is a huge double standard regarding PLEASURE, but that's a topic for another time.
Many people would say, "yes, Trixie's porn is feminist". I personally would say that the the individual chunks of porn I/we make are only feminist sometimes. I will also say that I do not *want* all of the porn I make to be feminist. Because my sexuality and personality do not always cooperate with feminist ideals, nor do other people's. Because our fantasy worlds cannot and should not be bound by politics. Because sex as we experience it/feel it TRANSCENDS politics (even if it never transcends politics in reality). Because sometimes you specifically fantasize about un-feminist things because your ideals have created such intensely taboo triggers. Because it wouldn't be feminist to deny myself all of me. Because the most feminist thing I can do is MAKE MONEY and to represent myself as a feminist while I do it.
The major way my work is feminist (outside of or next to the money-making arena) is that I consistently remind people who I belong to (MYSELF) in contexts where it is unexpected. My body belongs to me. I consistently assert my will, my self-ownership, even when it is counterproductive to making sales. My work as a whole is feminist because I REFUSE TO BE A NON-PERSON or a partial person or a person only part of the time. Anybody who looks at my work as a whole (or even/often just in small parts) can see that I REPRESENT MYSELF AS A WHOLE PERSON. To an extent that I think very VERY few people, men OR women, in ANY industry or from any walk of life, are willing to do or are allowed to do or know how to do or are brave enough to do or have risked as much to do. I AM A WHOLE PERSON, and my work in porn is contained within that and presented from that place of wholeness. Being a whole person and INSISTING UPON wholeness everywhere is awesomely feminist. Paradoxically it means that I cannot BE wholly feminist or affect in feminist ways all of the time.
I could spend a lot of time describing what I mean by "a whole person", but I'll just clarify a little by saying I don't mean "perfect" or "finished" when I say "whole" On the contrary, I mean I am and deserve to be and insist upon staking my claim on IMperfection, meeting my primitive needs, fucking-up, growing sideways and in general pursuing happiness.
You *can* make feminist progress in your own life and in others' by making art that is gender conscious, class conscious, and power conscious EVEN WHEN your representations of it are stereotyped and politically incorrect (sometimes BECAUSE they are, especially if they're totally campy and over-the-top). Especially when it acts as therapy and finds meaning/truth. And MOST especially when it's presented in a broader context that is overtly or even covertly political and/or built on a feminist foundation or told by a feminist voice (even when some of those stories and characters played are distinctly NOT feminist).
I, presenting myself as a whole person, am the context. In everything I do. And I am feminist. That is the powerful truth in my life and work and someday I hope I'll be better at articulating it.
On my simple softcore porn photo shoot to-do list I've resolved to wear more REAL clothes. You know, stuff that can be (and is) worn in public: no stripper shoes, no Leg Avenue costumes, no fishnets.
I just posted this gallery last night with me wearing a bunch of things I love: my all-time favorite hoody with embroidered black flowers (I've been wearing that thing for about eight years), a t-shirt my sister loaned me the last time we went to the spa, a knit cap that actually belongs to Delia's ex-wife but has lived with us for years. I wore the pants in another shoot, but I love them so much and they're even softer now than they were then. They totally represent love to me because my sister bought them for me when she was out shopping. Buying pants for people is hard! I would never risk buying anyone a pair of pants, not even my sister, but she clothed me in soft, cozy legwear.
This picture here makes me want to do a Rosie the Riveter style shoot (won't be any time soon though -- we don't have the time or money to pull off something that good/important to me right now, not to mention I need bigger muscles):
Anyway, I really love this set of pictures -- I think they're adorable and I look palpably fleshy and real.
This week I've got a lot of chat sessions scheduled for any members who want a chance to talk to me. I'm actually in our chatroom right now . . . alone. Which is why I was able to make this post! Think how easy it could be for you to have an awkward one-on-one conversation with me by becoming a member. You could be moving your moist hands back and forth from your genitals to the keyboard while you talk to me about music and toggle back and forth between the chatroom, my desk cam, and these photos without being able to explain the appeal because I totally don't even look sexy, at least not in a mainstream media or porno way.
Here's one of my favorite pictures that we shot over the past two days:
We rented a room in town for a couple of nights to shoot in, but wound up coming home to sleep both nights. We like being in our own bed at home with our dog, plus we are addicted to stupid shows like American Idol and America's Next Top Model. I feel a little anxious about getting rooms in town for shoots because people are naturally curious why we would get a room when we LIVE here. It makes me even more nervous when we aren't actually there all night; I'm afraid we'll arouse suspicion and wind up on some kind of small-town blacklist. Not that we're doing anything BAD by hauling lights into their rooms and taking nudey pics of each other, but you never know what people will think (they *have* to wonder why we have so many giant pieces of luggage; it probably looks like we're going to cut up a body or something).
This morning we actually had to set the alarm in order to wake up early enough to have sex, since I may have ovulated last night and we still had to go pick up our luggage from the hotel this morning and take the dog to the vet. I actually got to stay in bed and stew in the sex juice while Delia took care of all of that. Now? I'm editing a gallery of pictures (represented by the above picture) for members and listening to PJ Harvey.
Still, it's crazy that this movie (which, if you HAVE to label it as catering to either a "gay" or a "straight" audience is OBVIOUSLY better marketed towards consumers in the straight marketplace than the gay market) is being recognized at GayVN but wasn't at AVN. If I remember correctly, Dacia said AVN got rid of their "bi" category; right now I can't find any of her many posts about this matter and bisexuality in the porn industry so I can't vouch for that detail. Anyway, The Bi Apple at Gayvn is a reminder of the bizarre standards in our society (that the porn industry REFLECTS, but I don't think CREATES) that male bisexuality is rarely acknowledged as common, normal or even possible; most people still subscribe to the belief that men are either straight OR they're gay with absolutely no in-between. That attitude flies so directly in the face of common sense, plenty of research and everything that is readily observable about male sexuality that you can't deny we must have a MASSIVE agenda in suppressing the truth and perpetuating homophobia to the point where we'd rather sound totally insane in the membrane that admit most guys are wired to get off on both cock AND pussy.
I just read Augusten Burrough's Sellevision and one of the FUNNIEST things about it was his fantasy portrayal of the porn industry as an open, bi-sexy, anything-goes atmosphere which it absolutely is not. His gay male protagonist can't get a straight job anymore so he decides to try porn "acting"; when Max tours the studio it's described as one that makes BOTH gay porn and straight porn, and has performers of all orientations lounging around ready to fuck both men and women; there's the star Trixie Thunderpussy (no relation) and the male fluffer, Shaun. Max does his impromptu screen test with Rocky right on the set of "Pizza Parlor Pussy"! If only that kind of shit really happened! It was the most naive, idealized, unreal things I've ever read coming from such a jaded author and just goes to show how little people, even sexually sophisticated people, know about the porn industry. The porn industry is crazily segregated and extremely UNcomfortable with natural variations in human sexuality.
My impression of a lot of men in the porn industry is that they fancy themselves reinforcers of decency and "standards". They all think that they know what All Men Want, they all think they know what sells (if they haven't tried it or don't like it then it can't POSSIBLY be marketable). They are very intent on maintaining their perceived boundaries between false dichotomies like bad and good, gay and straight, fat and sexy, fetish and non-fetish, hairy and clean, women and men, old and young. Blurred lines horrify them and the only stuff they'll accept that pushes outside of "normal" is extreme hardcore performed on women. The only arena where they seem interested as a group in challenging accepted standards is on women's physical and human limits. Okay, we've established women can take two cocks in the ass . . . how about expanding that asshole to two cocks, a fist, a frozen turkey and a barbie doll? And now that we've found that unilaterally referring to women as either sluts or whores or both is easy AND effective how about we really push the envelope by calling them cum-dumpsters and human toilets more often? YEAH! This is really NEW and CUTTING EDGE!
We should all think it's weird and wacky that the more we are able to know about sex and human behavior, the more restrictive and willfully stupid we've become, and the more feminism progresses, the more porn (along with all other media) seeks to put us back in our traditional places. It seems obvious we're in denial and trying our hardest as a group to maintain norms that should have been blown to smithereens. As individuals I think we really need to call bullshit on each other and question our motivation for being so rigidly resistant to acknowledging basic human truths, like, ERECT PENISES MAKE PEOPLE HORNY. Duh.
Does it seem as though I just went off on a tangent, switching from bisexual porn to feminism? I wish I had the time and the brain to do a better job of connecting the dots, but it does all have to do with gender to the point where sometimes I wonder if we're afraid that if men started openly acknowledging how much they want to suck cock that we wouldn't know what women are good for anymore.
Note: I do not think porn featuring women in submissive or even degrading roles is intrinsically evil or "bad" or harmful, nor do I think people should automatically feel guilty for getting off on that; my problem is with the PREVALENCE and thoughtlessness of that type of porn to the relative exclusion of other (and often healthier/more "normal") scenarios, and the ease with which people in the industry accept it contrasted with their disdain for other types of scenes.
Anyway, I hope The Bi Apple wins; I'm going to be watching Dacia's twitter like a hawk to see the outcome.
I'm in the process of posting a Valentiney gallery for members with pictures like this (only bigger):
Right now I'm huffing down a bowl of cereal and sorting through a to-do list of about fifty (not exaggerating) things I need to do before we leave for an overnighter. Just the two of us in a suburban hotel room; we're planning to shoot a little porn, too, but the main goal of the evening is to have fun and celebrate a form of Valentine's day with each other before the actual calendar day of the 14th which we will spend with our members. We'll be back home tomorrow after Delia's laser treatment.
Okay, much packing and quick webwhoring to be done. Oh, and it won't surprise me if my period starts while we're supposed to be having romance-time. Not that I mind having my period (obviously, since I made a whole site about it) it's just annoying not knowing, especially when we are hoping to be pregnant. I've no desire to test for pregnancy at this point, though, until AFTER the 6th week of my unpredictably stretched-out cycle starts. Tomorrow is only five weeks (about the average time it takes for my period to start again).
Because the appearance of modesty STRIPPED appeals to many, here I am wearing a dress and flats I used to wear to church:
Plus the conservative classic, pantyhose (snagged, of course) over white panties:
And, finally, nude, pure and pale as the driven snow:
There are 138 pictures in this series available to my members.
I am now getting ready for a musical chat session (also with members); I'll be uploading new songs to my neglected "radio" station, ripping songs from cd's, and taking suggestions from members regarding music to explore and add.
Last night we had sex almost purely for the fun and pleasure of it (rather than as an obligatory conception attempt). I rubbed some Skin Trip lotion all over my face and neck, then all over Delia's face and neck. It smelled like a hundred hot, tangled-up memories from the past eight years. We lit candles so the light had the same quality as the light in a million indistinguishable, pleasant past-times. I put on music from albums I've had since I was a teenager. I would say that it made me feel young again, but that's not quite accurate; I think it made me remember that I used to be younger than I am now. It was like visiting myselves from years past. It was sweet.
I was really excited about having my boobs touched through my t-shirt, excited about looking down at them stretching out the thin fabric, watching them being groped and jostled and making the material covering them crease, tighten, tense, release. Excited about having them pressed upwards and jiggled around. I was adamant about having them fondled up to and throughout my orgasm. In the moments before and during, I was thinking about touching this girl's nipples, imagining both having them as her and touching them as a him. I got off on it, guiltily, because that's the hottest way for me in my head.
Next on my redesign agenda is the REAL free area and this blog; I'm really disturbed by how much stuff is outdated, missing and/or broken on the free side of my site and how I've let it go this long. I'm also overwhelmed and really just tired of working on web design projects at this point. I feel really URGENT about finishing, weary about how long it takes me, and excited about the possibilities (yet depressed by my lack of skill and time in executing them). I feel like I can't do anything else until I am done with our overdue overhauls; I'm kind of going crazy.
I also just ordered some new video editing software; Delia used to edit our videos using premiere but the version we have is really old and I really didn't like using it myself so we switched to using good old, free, windows moviemaker. It's not great, but it's been efficient. Unfortunately it just doesn't do the trick for more ambitious projects, like my dollface video which we shot with two different cameras; just trying to insert an extra minute from another tape is pretty much impossible, requiring TEDIOUS amounts of cutting and pasting and trying to sync-up audio. It's a fucking nightmare. We're also way overdue on offering dvd's and videos formatted for ipods and the like. I ordered Pinnacle based on a rec from Torn who said it does everything well without being overwhelming to learn. I can't afford the price or the learning curve of Vegas, etc.
Okay, I'm late now on getting ready for the dentist. I need to shower and eat now before my mouth is rendered completely useless for hours.
Though the storms interfered with my ability to do shows today, we re-channeled that energy into doing a photo/video shoot involving me in sheer panties sitting astride Delia and giving her (and the camera) a good rear view:
We shot this in our bedroom (nothing fancy) so I decided to turn off the audio on the one bedroom spycam that has it (actually, I didn't realize it wasn't even logged in at the time, but the two without audio were still up so that's good). Some camgirls like to let voyeurs spy on their shoots, but I often have reservations about it. For one thing, I sometimes worry it will spoil the "surprise" of the content when I post it. For another, I think it interferes with the fantasy; when you see all of the awkwardness that goes into a photo/video shoot and/or hear all of the technical components of it I think it's a mood-killer. There are a lot of interruptions to pause for the camera's focus, to adjust the angles, to check on the progress to see if it looks halfway like what you want it to look like, to make bossy demands of each other, etc. And that's just for a very amateur mid-quality shoot.
I know it sounds funny to hear me worrying about destroying "the fantasy" of porn since I make a habit of purposely doing exactly that on our sites by burping, farting, and explicitly reminding people of the boundaries between reality and fantasy (and demonstrating that most of the stuff on our spycams is ugly and/or boring and/or hilarious reality). On the other hand, when we shoot video -- ESPECIALLY video I know will be jerk-worthy -- I want people to be able to enjoy its hotness without thinking about how we argued over the lighting or how I had to stop for a minute and howl because I got a cramp in my leg or how we struggled for five minutes to engineer our body positions so that the camcorder would have a good view. I do think that stuff is interesting so I don't always censor these things, but sometimes I just want people to be able to focus on the end result and don't want to hotness of the product to be compromised by memories of the shoot itself.
In order for the sex video to feel as real and genuine as possible, you sometimes need to censor out the artifice of how it came to be recorded. Sex on tape by definition can never be a completely natural depiction of the real thing; instead you have to decide which very-real, very-hot elements of reality you want to capture and go through a process that eliminates as much of the artificial distractions as possible. We do have funny behind the scenes stuff and a lot of honest portrayals of our work and our selves that expose the artifice instead of pretending it doesn't exist, but sometimes I just want to wind up with something pure. Something that focuses on things I think are really fucking hot: my ass, sheer panties, cock in my pussy and cum on my butt.
JOIN HERE to access our spycams & complete photo & video archives.
People, especially women, often write to me asking how they can run a site like mine, etc. Answering those questions is always on my back burner; in the meantime, here's one woman's advice.
I love how her guide makes it clear in a raw, funny way that the path most people take to become pornographers is very personal; you can't mapquest what is/should be a personal journey directed by individual experience (and some of those experiences aren't ones you'd choose or that you can get from reading a tutorial). Most of us who wound up in the sex industry didn't stop to get advice on anything except specific technicalities; we propelled ourselves into it by compulsion, circumstance, therapeutic need, entrepreneurial vision, and because it's the perfect creative medium for our diverse skills and talents.
I believe all indie pornographers and webwhores who've had lasting power and found satisfaction and long-term profit from it never stopped to ask anyone in a general way HOW to do it. You recognize it's for you, you do it, and ask questions later.
One of my favorite pieces of advice is her "find god" directive. It's not about religion or belief in "GOD" necessarily, she's describing something anyone who commits to an extraordinary life has to believe: that you're capable of more and that you're meant for what you choose. You don't have to explain how magic happens or intellectualize it, you just suspend disbelief and experience it. Having some kind of a belief system, whether it's delusional or not, that affirms your own goodness and the rightness of what you do is especially important, I think, when you're doing work that is NOT publicly affirmed by society.
Here's an image to preview from the gallery I'm posting today for members:
I *love* this gallery; people might think it's just a belated Halloween thing, but it's not at all -- it's, like, a METAPHOR man! For, like, so much heavy stuff, dude! And the video? Oh so kinky. Delia had a hard time even looking at me, I was creeping her out so much.
Anyway, I've got a show to do in a couple of hours so I'm going to eat some breakfast and get all dolled up, if you know what I mean.
I love that most of my outfit was given to me by cool women. My sister bought the pants for me after getting sick of seeing me wear the same pair of jeans for five years, and the strapon dildo and harness were keepers from the filming of Dacia's movie, The Bi Apple (if you're only interested in seeing our scene and want to do it now, check here; our scene together is two, and Tucker's scene with Antonio is three; of course, if you do that you'll miss out on the "behind the scenes" stuff on the dvd which I think are really embarrassing to watch, but I WAS heralded the "star of the BTS" so you might want to check it if you're interested).
Every so often I do get feedback from people who happen across one of my live shows and recognize me enough to ask if I was in The Bi Apple or Sin Cities. It's bizarre to have people ask if I'm REALLY that chick they saw on TV, but considering the roles in question as poorly-acted zombie-wives and ass-licker/fuckers I can only respond with the utmost in humility. You can't let yourself get a swelled head over this stuff, you know? Even though some of the choicest bits were left on the cutting room floor . . .
I must confess, the gallery is not that great but I think the commentary is hot; I could have written three times as much, but I don't like to make my notes so long that people won't want to read them.
I'm way behind on email, and I'll have to stay behind for awhile since we have to do our taxes this weekend. I did, however, take time to procrastinate on them by watching some college football (not that I'm a sports enthusiast, but I'm not a schoolgirl either and yet I like to dress up as one; it's that time of year and it's FUN). I hung out in our members-only chatroom while we watched the first half of the game, but alas, no one came in to chat. There's no telling when I'll make it back in there.
Now I need to finish my update and clean off the big table so I can spread out with my receipts, forms, sharp pencils and old-fashioned calculator.
Details and insights from our two day shooting spree:
S T A T S :
Created: 906 photos in five different galleries, 45 minutes in 3 JO (jack-off) videos
Costs: $186 - room $110 - four pairs of inexpensive shoes $100 - legwear and hosiery accessories $170 - other bargain-hunted clothes, panties, and bras Total: $566
Average approximate cost per photo: $1.60
Note: these are all approximations. I didn't account for the cost of our cosmetics, lights, camera, camcorder, memory cards, tapes, luggage, or time. The total number of pictures is inaccurate since we won't actually use all of those photos; some of them will be junked. Considering these factors, the average cost per photo is actually grossly underestimated. On the other hand, many elements of our "costumes" will be used over and over again, or have already been used in other shoots, so figuring in their total cost for this shoot is an overestimation. I also didn't average in the video production, although the videos probably have greater potential for sales.
V A L U E : Of course, I think the amount of money we spend to make porn is "worth it", otherwise I wouldn't do it. Some people would say we spend too much money on our shoots, others not enough. Some people would say we don't shoot enough content, others would say we shoot too much. To really measure whether or not what we spend is "worth it", we'd have to know how much we'll earn on each photo set and video, or how many sales we'll make or memberships we'll retain because of each one. This is next to impossible to determine. There will probably be someone who loves Delia's satin panties so much, and specifically seeing HER in them that he'll buy a membership if he sees a sample photo, and keep his membership in hopes she'll shoot MORE satin panty stuff. But there's no way of figuring out how many of these people are out there.
In the final assessment we have to look at each photo gallery and video as one small piece of a large body of work, since most of the money we make comes from selling subscriptions to access it as a whole, not per photo set or video (though we do a little of that too).
If forced to figure out the potential earnings from just this block of content we produced over the past couple of days, I have to first say that THERE IS NO LIMIT. We could sell these photos and videos to a billion people, barring a legal disaster. Of course, that (selling a billion memberships) probably won't happen. The photos and videos will also probably decrease in value as time goes on due to overexposure, leaps in technology raising acceptable quality standards, etc.
If REALLY forced to figure out how much we'll make in the short term off of these photos and videos, I'll lead you through this explanation:
1) Monthly memberships to our sites currently cost about $20. 2) After processing fees (15%) and affiliate payouts (average of 23%), we average about $12.40. 3) That doesn't account for any of our other business expenses like
*hosting costs ($399 a month) *electricity to power our computers and provide us with light and heat while we're working (maybe $75 a month avg.) *cable AND dsl (about $140 a month) to run our 10+ spycams, do our shows, upload our content to the server, etc. *taxes (jesus FUCKING christ) *software, scripts, smaller hosting packages, domain names, blah blah blah (at least $50 a month) *time *health insurance (which we don't have) *gym memberships, hair coloring, and all those things we do to try to make ourselves pretty (at least $150 a month on average)
On the very low side, not counting our rent, food, time, taxes or any of that, those expenses I mentioned come to about $800.
So how many memberships do we need to sell to pay the very bare minimum of our expenses for two months (eluding the tax man all the while) plus pay for a photo shoot costing $566 that will provide just one of our websites with about two months of updates? We would need $2,166 just to break even. At $12.40 per membership, we'd need to sell 174 one month subscriptions or 87 per month. That is 174 different joins or 87 different people who stay on for two months.
Fortunately, we do that and more. The part that makes it "worth it", though, is not actually having to go through these calculations every day (or even every month or quarterly) to know what we do is valuable. I know very well that THE POTENTIAL money we can make off our content vastly exceeds what we spend to make it. We don't vastly exceed it right now -- NOT EVEN CLOSE -- but I can't describe to people how incredibly exciting it is to have NO VISIBLE CEILING on our potential to make money. There's no top of the pay scale, and that rocks so hard that I keep on trucking in spite of my hideous debt load.
F U N: How much fun we have making porn is almost as important as the money in determining the value of our work. Some of you might be horrified and turned-off by my money talk and haven't even made it this far into my calculations, but what we do truly is fun. No, I don't mean my panties are soaking wet every second that I'm working, but our work is fun and rewarding on many levels.
Take this photo shoot as an example. My panties WERE indeed quite wet (though not exactly "soaking") while I shot Delia. Especially while seeing her in those satin panties. Aside from the obvious stimulation of watching Delia pose for me, there's the added bonus of pondering the "end users" who will enjoy the content. I like thinking about what they're going to do to themselves when they see the photos and videos. I like thinking about individuals (in a shadowy and anonymous way) who have very specific tastes and imagining I'm shooting at least a few shots that will wind up favorites because they have a nice photo of someone special/different (Delia or me) exhibiting something in particular they can just never get enough of (panties, nylons, precum, snappy garters, bare feet, cleavage, upskirts, hairy pussy, freckles or whatever).
It is FUN to capture beautiful, sexy images. It's fun to be the one saving and sharing it, knowing it will elicit little utterances of pleasure from people all over the world. It's also a challenge, and challenges are fun, too.
P H O T O G R A P H E R -VS- M O D E L : We only shot one Trixie set/of me, and the rest of the time we shot Delia. Sometimes I enjoy my shoots, particularly ones involving videos with role plays. Often they are interesting from a technical perspective. Most often, though, I enjoy shooting other people. Sexually I get off on shooting other people more than I do by being the "model". When I do get off on "modeling", it's usually because I am imagining someone *else* getting off on the end product.
This time around I wasn't feeling very sexy about being in front of the camera, partly because my body felt like dead weight; posing for (good) pictures is pretty demanding on your body so being in good shape is kind of important. I'm not. Anyway, I was totally in dirty old man mode. I wanted to see Delia in all her different outfits and take as many good jack-off-worthy pictures as possible, and lots of good, taunting build-up to those ones. Plus, Delia is a great model. Still, I enjoy bossing her around and giving her directions. I'm sure I annoy the piss out of her sometimes, but I like it.
As the Delia shoots went on, I started feeling groovier and groovier. My body felt great and I felt really productive, like we were on a roll. When I am behind the camera it's almost as physically demanding as being in front of it, but way more fun because I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK PRETTY. I'm on the ground, then I'm climbing on furniture, then I'm holding my guts in an isometric contraction. I'm bending over, stretching up high, and holding as still as possible when shooting with low light (we never use flashes or speedlights; I'm not saying they're bad, we just haven't invested the money and time in buying the equipment and learning to use them properly, and we hate the way that stuff looks when done without effort). Anyway, my body warmed up and started working in a way that felt efficient, smooth, and electric. Delia looked so hot and I felt so good and alive, it was fantastic fun. I felt truly amazing inside, and utterly blessed.
We wound up coming home instead of spending the second night in the room. It was a nice room with a cozy bed, but we packed and crept out before midnight to go back home to our dog. I also really wanted to see what happened with Heather on America's Next Top Model, but our DVR only recorded twelve minutes of it for some reason. Fortunately they run a repeat on Sunday since a) I *hate* missing an episode of any shot I actually like to watch, and b) I *hate* watching television on the computer so I don't do that. It's not an option for me to waste time sitting upright at my machine trying to find some crappy bandwidth-eating stream of a tv show somewhere. That's not my idea of relaxation (though I understand why people with different jobs and better setups do it that way and someday I'm sure I will too).
I think we do a good job of balancing professionalism and productivity on our shoots with healthy personal-fulfillment. We don't shoot in a way that feels unpleasantly like an assembly line the way most porn is shot. I'd say 90% of the time we spend actually shooting (not including prep time which can be a big drag) we enjoy it and if we start getting sick of it? We can quit, do something else with our time, and look forward to the next shoot when we'll be in a sexier mood. After not shooting as much Trixie content as we planned, I actually feel really amped up with ideas, like I have a whole treasure trove of naughtiness to explore. I love anticipating shoots in that way, and I also love that we have a nice stack of Delia stuff shot so that we can spend a day, for example, focusing all of our energy on shooting just one scene that requires more creative energy than our shoots that are more photo-focused on fetish attire (nylons, panties, etc.) rather than video-focused on a role play, or shot outside and require having a whole day open to feel out the weather, pick a spot, etc.
Ideally we will have and maintain a large backlog of efficiently-shot content so that we can do more spontaneous and/or creative shoots that need the time and space to do RIGHT, by preparing properly and also having the leeway to be leisurely about it so that it feels less like a big plan and more like something exciting we've been looking forward to doing. In other words, plan well enough and have enough free time so the plan feels NATURAL and doesn't involve stress like hurrying to clean up part of the house to shoot in, buy/create props, wash the right clothes, charge up camera equipment, set up lights, etc.
I couldn't resist. I bought yet another new domain for a site I don't currently have time to develop properly. Well, actually, I bought TWO new domains. Believe me, limiting it to two took a great amount of self-control, especially when I saw that my business Visa's credit line was recently upped by $1k.
"LOMO"s are Russian cameras with a cultish following of hobbyists and collectors. A long time ago I read a great article in Details about them and was intrigued by their utility in low-light conditions and the oogy otherworldly images they produce. Now that you can buy all different kinds of new (now Austrian-produced) LOMO cameras it's a very accessible and inexpensive hobby with a built-in fan base, and you know how much I want to indulge my night photographycravings so this could be a practical and inexpensive way to justify doing that for both business and pleasure.
I'd also like to add a site to our little network that's not totally dependent upon our own images and personalities; LOMOporn totally fits that bill while also blurring the lines between porn and art. On top of that, I'd love to shoot stuff with film using a real MACHINE without all this digital stuff. Lomography is a really inexpensive way to go about that.
Anyway, if any of this sounds exciting to you and you want to contribute, you could gift me a LOMO or shoot your own LOMO porn and submit it to the site. I haven't figured out how much I will pay for submissions, but it probably won't be a whole lot and of course you will need to sign a release so I can use them; I don't think I'll ask for exclusivity though, which means the photos will still be YOURS to use wherever you want in addition to appearing on the site; if they involve penetration shots you'd also have to provide proof that the person or people in the picture(s) are 18 or over and each of them would have to sign a release, too; I might actually pay by the photo rather than sets (with a minimum payment to at least cover the cost of film & development), and of course people whose photos are accepted would be comped memberships to all of our sites.
If you are juiced up about this idea and want to donate a camera, I'd love it to pieces if you sent it here:
Trixie Fontaine 1240 W. Sims Way #7 P0rt T0wnsend, WA 98368
If you don't want to bother shopping around I'm adding a few to my wishlist for ease of purchase/mailing.
Oh, and the other domain I bought today? BORGPORN.COM which is a MUCH less practical site to develop. But someday? MMmmmmmm . . .
Okay. So I watched the fucking Paris Hilton interview on Larry King the other night. I know it sounds like I'm unwaveringly harsh and disdainful of these celebrities, but the truth is I always feel compelled to watch interviews with the little tarts I dislike the most BECAUSE I HOPE THEY'LL REDEEM THEMSELVES so I can stop hating them because I don't like hating people -- I think it's mean and unhealthy. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Example: Scarlett Johansson? Has never redeemed herself in any interview I've watched -- she consistently sounds stupid. I don't like how much I can't stand her and I know it's not HER fault that critics are so blinded by her beautiful breasts that they inanely compare her to truly amazing women like Lauren Bacall. So I try not to hate Scarlett and keep hoping something will turn up to make me actually LIKE her.
Anyway, I found my attitude towards Paris softening even while she lied through her teeth to Larry King (has never done drugs? doesn't like alcohol? Honey, I've *read* about you in ex-millennial girl's blog and she is a TRUSTED SOURCE). I found myself giving her credit for using her very average intelligence as deftly as she could to answer each question Very Carefully and in ways that were often endearing. Sure, there were things that made me wince but they made me feel sorry for her instead of hating her.
The coolest thing about Paris in her post-jail Larry King interview was how she didn't seem to try to distance herself at all from jail thing; she kept saying things a regular rich celebrity would try to avoid saying because it just sounded so common, hearing her repeat, "I've served my time" as though she's a hardened ex-con. She didn't sit there protesting that she shouldn't have been in jail at all, she was like, "I tried to follow the motto to not serve the time, but to make the time serve me." It was hysterical!!
I loved the way she sounded like a college kid who just got back from a study abroad program and found out about starving children in Africa. When she talked about wanting to help the women in jail who get out but keep coming back because they have nowhere to go but the streets when they're released, she actually seemed sincere. And when she talked about wanting to speak with a more mature voice? I thought, "good for you, Paris! Maybe Cameron Diaz will make that a goal too!"
Years ago, I actually joined the Hotel Heiress site to watch her sex tapes and I think that was part of what made me dislike her so much because she just seemed so empty and flaccid. At the same time I was able to see the appeal of her face and her bullshit act and her perky little boobs. It was depressing to watch the bad, boring sex and the window into these people's horrid interactions with each other, but it was also reassuring. You can't watch that and envy her at all -- it's just not possible. Who wants to have bad sex, bad conversation, and a totally flat ass? I don't care how rich you are, it's not worth it if you're bored by sex, can't hold a decent conversation with anyone, and can only entertain yourself by trying to look fetching.
Free clips from the scandalous Paris Hilton sex tapes:
Note: I know a lot of people would criticize the fact that I paid money to see those Paris sex videos when she doesn't get a dime from it and I could have found it free somewhere, but it was just simpler to me to join the site and not worry about downloading a virus or something. It was more expedient and I would have felt just as bad to have seen it for free as to have paid money to her exploiters.
We just got home from a very long excursion to my nephew's birthday party. We spent more time in the car driving and waiting for ferries than we did visiting. It was worth it, though, and most of the drive was beautiful.
Here's what I've been working on instead of blogging. It's nothing fancy yet, but then free porn giveaways traditionally haven't needed to be too fancy to be . . . inviting. I'm working on making it a tiny bit flashier (and coated with my personality) but right now I love the variety of porn on there. I'm particularly proud of the tantalizing descriptions I wrote to describe each of the galleries. I've also "tested" many of the video clips and photo sets myself to make sure they are completely satisfactory. Not all of them are, but the ones that ARE work very well (for me, at least).
As an over-thirty webwhore I'm used to being dumped into the "MILF" category by porn people reviewing or promoting me and my site (even though I'm totally NOT a mother).
But promoting me as a GRANNY? Wow! I'm finding my galleries appearing on sites with names like "Meaty Grannies" and "Grandma Pie". AND THEY ARE MAKING SALES so I guess the ploy is working and my granny-like sex appeal is high.
Here is one of my galleries that's being passed off as totally grandma-licious. It WAS one of my favorite sets of pictures but now I'm looking at it through a totally different lens and seeing crone-like characteristics that I never noticed before in every photo. Due to the backlight and shadows on my face, I *do* look rather wizened in this photo; I even appear to have a soft silvery beard that just never caught my eye prior to being marketed as a granny.
I'm looking forward to the day when I actually AM in my golden years; if they're adding forty years onto me now, when I'm seventy-five I'll then be able to market myself in the MOTHERFUCKING IMMORTAL category of porn, as yet to be established.
Haglike queen of the undead fucks young bucks with her magical cock-shaped sceptre.
Vampiric crone sucks the life force out of frat boy's pecker.
Right now is one of those moments when I am IN LOVE with my job, my boyfriend, my life and even myself. Pictures like these ones give me an idea of just how good things are and could be with a little more effort. It all seemed wonderfully synchronous to wind up with such retro sets right while I was reading James Ellroy and my mom's house always turns out great light and ambiance.
I know Delia probably won't be as excited about the black and white set as I am because of the harsher less-feminine lines and shadows, but as far as interesting PHOTOS go they are so much fun to look at. Of course, I wind up criticizing the baseboard heater and radios in the background that are from later eras. I always wonder what it would be like to shoot for a couple of hours and only try to get between one and ten really GREAT photos instead of trying to get 75-150 pics designed to lead to a thorough jack-off fantasy. I suppose we could find out, but I'm not really that curious to work it into our schedule.
What I'm more curious about is how cool it would be to invest in a fixer-upper without having any financial pressure to actually fix it up fast; the idea of having an older home that's kind of trashed out with texture to shoot in really appeals to me. Being able to do messy paintjobs and wacky shit without worrying about "ruining" the house would rock. I suppose first we have to be able to afford a house we can actually LIVE in, though.
If Simone Valentino is the star of the movie (and I hope we get to see her again), then Tasty Trixie is the star of the BTS. Like everyone in the cast, she is hot in an accessible way . . . but also dispenses folksy porn set wisdom that reveals a basic adherence to conventions even among trippy pan-sexuals.
Me? A dispenser of folksy porn set wisdom? Oh, you FLATTERER! This is especially funny to me since that was the first time I'd ever been ON the set of a porn movie except for some of the other weird sets we've been on which were part porn, part zombie or were not intended for a mass porn market.
Having said that, I suppose I should (finally) blog about "what it was like", this porno movie experience, since people seem to want to know what it's like to be in an actual porn MOVIE distributed by one of those familiar names (in this case, Adam & Eve). I actually still don't feel qualified to remark on that since Dacia's movie and set felt (and are/were) thousands of miles away from the stereotypical L.A./porn valley scene. No one LOOKED stereotypically porny and no one ACTED stereotypically pornish. I mean, some of the coolest aspects of being on set were totally NERDY things: getting to meet and hang out with fellow bloggers (Mikey, Jessica and Viviane) and talk about relatively obscure geek shit and compare vials of perfume oil from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling those conversations and people-mixes wouldn't have happened at a shoot in the valley. And would I have met Bella Vendetta, Luxe Nightmare, or Rachel Kramer Bussel? Me fucking thinks not in West Coast pornoland. There was a distinctive lack of tan and silicone glam, and I mean that in a good way.
Anyway, there's lots more I could say about the fun we had, but let's get back to the reviews, shall we?
In scene two Simone observes Tucker and Trixie, even assisting by handing them toys mid-stroke. There's actual foreplay -- a pleasant surprise! -- and loads of eager asslicking. By Trixie! She lubes Tucker up good and starts inserting fingers until it's time for "something bigger." Heh. She dons a strap-on and fucks his ass in a few positions. Trixie has spectacularly large natural boobs that oscillate wildly when Tucker gets on top. They then maneuver into a formation in which he's rubbing his cock against her foot and she's multi-tasking with two sex toys. After some vigorous jerking off, he spurts like Vesuvius onto those amazing boobs and then licks it off. Whew! Let's rewind that one, shall we?
And the most personally flattering thing I've read about the movie comes straight from Audacia who says, "If you only want to pay to see one scene in the movie, check out scene 2, Trixie and Tucker. They are goddamn amazing."
One of the coolest things about being part of Audacia's first movie really is that it feels special and out-of-the-ordinary, probably because it mattered to her to do it differently. It mattered to her in that it wasn't just title number 357 in a long queue of assembly-line produced stuff, and I think that's reflected in her cast and crew choices, the "action", in her promotional efforts and in the coverage it's gotten. Tucker and I are very lucky that in our day-to-day work lives what we do MATTERS to us, and I think we were blessed to step out of our own homemade porn thing to be part of something else that also mattered to the person making it (and for all of the people involved to matter to each other). It was NOT like "another doubly-penetrating day at the silicone office"; that's what makes The Bi Apple unique.
You know what's worse than porn? THROWING AWAY OLD PORN. You know what happens when guys throw their porn away so that their wives or girlfriends don't get mad at them? KIDS FIND THE STASH.
Seriously. Before the internet most kids were exposed to porn in their parents' nightstands OR by reclaiming mysteriously discarded magazines thrown in ditches or dumpsters. Right? I don't know how many stories I've heard of kids finding filthy magazines and that being their first exposure to pornography. BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD ANY MORAL SCOLD WARN AGAINST THIS TRAGEDY. My goodness ladies, don't pressure your husbands to get rid of their porn collections because it will no doubt wind up in an innocent child's ruin!! I mean, they never even issued any guidelines that I knew of for the PROPER disposal of pornography (clearly burning is the only option).
How come so many people worry about the appropriate way to rid a household of a ouija board but no dire warnings have ever been issued about centerfolds being sent to the landfill only to find themselves RIGHT BACK IN YOUR HOUSE, this time under a child's mattress!?!
Joking aside, I truly think this is fucked-up oversight on the part of anti-porn crusaders since, until the advent of the internet, SHAME was probably one of the top three reasons kids got their hands on porn. Because someone threw their collection away, a kid scavenged for it and his eyes were burned out by the sordid sight of SKIN!!
When I'm in hermit mode I *love* to do work that only requires lower-level thinking skills: stuff that's repetitive and allows me to get into a mind-numbing rhythm where I can hyperfocus on the trivial details of the task at hand. Jobs where I can totally lose myself.
One of those jobs is adding galleries to my neglected/underdeveloped/unfinished free porn site. Another is finding photos and clips to post and write about over at my Live WebWhores blog. I seriously wish I could spend a couple of weeks doing nothing but writing blog entries there, and then at least a full workday or two per month after that. Does it qualify as work? Yeah, it does; I promote iFriends from that Live WebWhores blog.
I know some people think we webwhores are supposed to pretend that we do all of this sex work and blogging PURELY for the sheer pleasure and sexual ecstasy of it, but I simply must ruin the mystique of it to tell you that every time someone joins iFriends for free from one of my sites I actually make more money on that free join than when someone joins MY site and pays for it. Wacky, huh? The truth is I could make more money promoting other people's sites for 25% of the work and legal risks and at 5% of the expense of running our own sites. That fact on its own should mitigate any damage I've done by reminding people that I do this work for profit since I clearly must love operating our sites if I continue to do it in spite of the fact that I could make more money with less effort in other ways.
As it stands, I enjoy so many aspects of this industry that I can't help scattering my efforts all over the place. It's nice to have a job for every mood even though it makes it a challenge to make efficient time-management decisions. In the end, I think it's pretty healthy and cool. And fuck, I really need to make more time to CONSUME porn and enjoy it; it doesn't make sense for me to make porn but allow myself so little time to peruse other people's. Example: best movie gallery I stumbled upon today: self-conscious slightly-dorky but-still-hot guy tugging himself outside. These are thing I *need* to see, right??
Okay, so I know some people got excited about this week's members-only update thinking it would be this photo set. But instead you're getting 40 minutes of video like these pictures, only louder and more obnoxious:
I know some of you think I don't give a rat's ass who I offend, but there's a middle ground for me especially when it comes to this kind of content. When people get pissed off at me about it, I usually think the arguments and complaints they present are laughably stupid, rude, and presumptuous but on the other hand it really DOES bother me thinking of some sweet older Christian person joining my site and totally not anticipating s/he'll be confronted by something so overtly profane. Yes, I do think it's totally possible for a Christian to join a porn site and not be a hypocrite by doing so and not even be a hypocrite for being disturbed by hearing me discuss the crucifixion in gory, sexually lurid language.
I'd love to reflect on this at length, but I'm SLEEPY and I think our guests are waiting to go get sushi so that's all I have to say about blasphemous porn right now.
We're going to be gone for a couple of days shooting; today/tonight we're shooting stuff for our sites, and tomorrow/night we're part of another bizarre custom video for someone else's client. We'll not have internet access at the location, so members -- you won't be able to spy on us.
I'm hurrying to post my members-only update for today, but of course the video blog site is NOT cooperating with me . . . grrr. Oops, there it goes. Phew!
Audacia posted a little q 'n a with me regarding her movie, The Bi Apple, so check that out here.
WAUKESHA - An Oconomowoc man who thought he heard a woman being raped allegedly busted through a neighborís door, carrying a sword, only to find the neighbor watching pornography.
James Van Iveren, 39, was released last week on a $5,000 signature bond and is scheduled to appear in court again March 9, court records show. He was charged with criminal trespass to a dwelling, criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct - all while allegedly carrying a dangerous weapon.
According to a criminal complaint in the case, a neighbor of Van Iverenís reported Feb. 11 that Van Iveren kicked in his door and threatened him with a sword, demanding, "Where is she?" Van Iveren allegedly forced the man to open a closet in his apartment.
"After finding no one, the person upstairs indicated heíd been watching a pornographic move and as a result Van Iveren left the apartment," the complaint alleged. "Van Iveren complained that the Ďrapeí had been occurring for several hours but after finding out it was only a movie, stated the whole incident was a mistake."
I love this story. LOVE IT. It's a perfect example of how blurry the line is between "harmless" porn consumption, and how freaky it would be to hear or see or experience in real life some of the things depicted in porn.
Of course, maybe the "rescuer" was just a nutso, otherwise why didn't he call the police and do so much sooner? Oh well. If more people stepped up and intervened when they heard someone in pain or being abused maybe we'd see a lot more people rescued from horrible situations.
I wish the reporter disclosed the content of the porn the guy was watching, because seriously -- if you have the volume cranked up on a traumatic-sounding sex scene or something full of degrading language and your neighbors can hear it, you should have charges pressed against you. Maybe. Same goes for having CSI turned up too loud, or Law & Order: SVU. Fucking sick shit.
It's only the second time we've paid for porn via DirecTV; the first time I tried being frugal and ordered one of the cheapest movies I could find; of course, it sucked, mainly because the action and talent didn't at all match the description and title. Annoying! So this time I splurged on a movie with a standard price ($10.99) and a title that I thought would mean I couldn't go wrong: Ghetto Booty XXL Volume 2.
The description ("pretty girls make men smile") didn't provide any indication what kind of action we'd find, so I hoped there would be a lot of taunting booty-clapping, jiggling, walking and dancing before any sex took place. Of course, I was almost completely wrong. If I'm paying to see a girl's ass, why would I want to see 20 seconds of it and then two minutes of her pussy VIEWED FROM THE FRONT? I want to see it from behind -- hello! If I'm paying to see a girl's ass, why in the world would I want to see a blowjob in every single scene? And why in the world would every single scene culminate in a cumshot to the face or delivered on the tongue instead of shot all over the ghetto booty I obviously want to see? I totally don't get it. I love blowjobs and all, but it's disappointing when you were anticipating lots of ass, not lots of head. I am so sick of the ubiquitous hurried facials, particularly when there are more obvious and convenient places to shoot a load (like, on someone's ass when the people buying the movie obviously LIKE asses).
Obviously we need to research our purchases a little bit more instead of hoping for the best based on the inane descriptions provided on the tv guide; these kinds of mistakes make it clearer to me why some porn consumers become porn collectors and develop a certain level of expertise regarding their favorite performers, studios, etc. You really have to do some homework to find porn that delivers what you like best.
I'd say that 85% of the moving-picture porn I've rented or purchased in my life has been a disappointment. I don't mean that I have high standards and was expecting greatness, I mean it was either totally boring and/or an actual turn-OFF. The kind of stuff where you practically have to force yourself to masturbate to it just so you feel like you're getting your money's worth. That's really saying a lot considering I've happily masturbated to images of FRUIT on a pbs gardening program.
A couple of the biggest turn-offs for me in this Ghetto Booty movie are the same things that turn me off in most porn: unlubricated pussies being fucked and unprotected sex. Nothing turns me off more than seeing a cock shoved into a dry pussy. I fucking HATE it. Lube is not that expensive so BUY SOME AND USE IT. Oh, I know that a lot of guys freak out when lube is used because they think it's an admission of non-arousal, but isn't the bone-dry pussy and the talent's totally bored expression and faked moans a tip-off? Are guys really able to convince themselves porn performer's are totally into it UNLESS a bottle of lube is introduced and then the whole illusion is destroyed? And as far as unprotected sex goes, I actually do get more aroused watching people fuck without condoms BUT I just wish they would say something at the beginning to assure us that the people were tested and stuff. Maybe it's a chick thing, but I worry about those girls, particularly when they are being FUCKED DRY which makes risky sex even riskier. I find myself sympathizing with the pain the performers are enduring and worrying about their safety rather than being aroused, and it's not just because they are women -- I feel the same way seeing men fucked up the ass without condoms or lube, or having their penises mauled by insensitive hands or teeth. And honestly it's not that I don't like watching certain kinds of rough sex (gagging, choking, spanking, etc), but pointless pain in vanilla engagements just makes me feel so chapped and tense.
I think a lot of women feel the same way I do about stupid-things-in-porn and it could be one of the many and complex reasons women get upset when their male partners enjoy porn so much; how is it that men can enjoy porn without their empathy getting in the way? THOSE ARE DRY PUSSIES!! Isn't that anti-erotic to them? Isn't it a turn off knowing that person is in pain? And don't tell me just because guys don't have their own pussies that they can't recognize genuine pain when the performer is saying "Owww!" and cringing when a big fat dick is stuffed in her DRY PUSSY. For a lot of wives and girlfriends it can be really upsetting to suspect that maybe your boyfriend or husband is turned on by things that cause women pain, like, you know -- DRY PUSSY. Or that maybe he's too stupid to notice it or just completely lacks the empathy or imagination to give a shit. Fortunately I have never been in a relationship with a guy who was turned on by dry pussy (I think Tucker was even more bored watching Ghetto Booty than I was), but the fact that this dry-pussy porn sells and is so rampant does make me view men-in-general with a high degree of suspicion and anger.
On the other hand, I think a lot of men just tolerate bad porn rather than lauding it as great; they recognize it's lame but hey -- there aren't a lot of alternatives and it still "works" for them, so even though they might understand that it's fucked up and prefer something better, they just take what's provided. Still, I know that a whole lot of guys honestly *don't* have any empathy or understanding of what they're watching, and I know this because I deal with them by the thousands in group shows (and observe them in other people's shows). The things many of them say indicate to me that they are dangerously ignorant and devoid of compassion. I can understand why some women get all crazy-mad about porn, then, when it brings out some major character flaws in men. Too bad most women who do get all crazy-mad about porn can't articulate (or are unwilling to recognize) what the REAL problems are (men being encouraged to be totally ignorant of women's bodies, not having empathy for others, etc.) and instead like to pretend that PORN MAKES MEN that way; they like to pretend that if we got rid of porn and all the women who make money in porn, then men would be perfect little angels!! Good luck, you stupid bitches.
I really would rather spend money on internet porn paysite memberships rather than whole movies, but we don't have a fancy setup to watch internet porn on a computer hooked up to television in our bedroom; our computers don't have big monitors and they're not anywhere near a bed so if Tucker and I are going to watch porn together (or alone in a comfortable bed), it has to be on dvd, vhs, or ordered via satellite. It's kind of amazing how cheap internet porn is compared to buying one movie at a time. I guess if I want to get serious about consuming porn myself, we're going to have to upgrade our bedroom's "entertainment center" to include whatever-we-need to view internet stuff on tv, or get a big monitor and another computer or wireless or whatever-the-hell people do nowadays. I'm so behind-the-times.
SOME GIRLS LOOK GOOD SUCKING COCK . . . . . . other girls? Not so much.
While I edited a POV blowjob video (shot from Tucker's "point-of-view" looking down at me ) I was once again disappointed by how alien my face looks from that angle. Alien as in "different" because I don't ever look at myself from the scalp downwards, but also alien as in "of the giant forehead and great big eyes". Like the greys, you know what I mean? Since the camera is closer to my forehead than any other facial feature, of course that is what looks biggest. Next, eyes. And then my nose, which isn't tiny and doesn't really benefit from enlargement. On top of that, I have a heart shaped face so it just looks like I'm this giant upper-half of a face, with a miniature jaw. I frequently look bizarre, like a praying mantis. And when I'm really going down on the cock and have as much of it as I can in my mouth? I look like a sunken-cheeked crack whore.
But I'll stop complaining since, you know, it's still really hot. And I snagged a lot of stills from it that I actually love. And even my crooked teeth looked sexy to me, reminding me that the Japanese actually have some kind of a fetish for crooked teeth; I don't remember the term for it, but apparently they think it's really cute. Of course you can't really give too much credit to the Japanese aesthetic when they're the ones who freed and made a celebrity artiste out of Issei Sagawa, a guy who cannibalized a big strong creamy-skinned Dutch lady.
While it would be most entertaining for me to show you lots of samples of me looking like a pale bug-eyed martian, it's probably better for business if I show you some of my favorite cocksucking (well, licking, etc.) snags with only one image of my totally-distended face:
Anyway, not all people really prefer to see a "pretty" face sucking cock. Sure, there are lots who *do* hold the prettiest cocksuckers in high esteem, but there are others who think the stretched-out features of a sexy-ugly face deep in hungry concentration are the best. You might also be surprised at how many guys fetishize tongues and open, empty mouths; lots of guys will specifically request (in porn and camshows) that you pose for them with your mouth open wide and your tongue sticking out. They will jack off to you just rolling your tongue out and laying it as flat as you can for them to imagine shooting their loads. This can be a difficult pose to maintain for more than a minute, but it really does the trick for some people.
But back to the most important topics at hand: me and my vanity! When I see my wrinkled forehead in photos and videos it REALLY makes me want an injection of botox more than a gloppy load of cum on my tongue.
It's too bad that "young" clothes are so inexpensive while purchasing mature and womanly garb requires more funds. When WILL my bankbook match my age? I need my grownup-galleries to outnumber my youthful-role-play content by at LEAST two to one instead of the other way around. THREE to one, that would be PERFECT.
This weekend some or all of our cams will be down while family is visiting. My apologies for my low-level of interaction in terms of shows, email, chat, etc. I *almost* scheduled a chat session tonight, but was wise enough to decide against making that commitment. I'm feeling pretty tense and overwhelmed right now, and will probably remain so for the next few weeks until some goals are met. Our van is in the shop AGAIN (fan clutch being replaced), I have housework to do to prepare for company, and just a shitload of tasks demanding my attention. When I'm struggling to balance a lot of stuff and am focused on getting stuff done, being social is pretty much inconceivable for me. I don't just mean that I don't want to do it, I mean that I am incapable.
So. I have dirty dishes and a dirty toilet waiting for me, it's too late for me to do them tonight so they'll have to wait for morning . . . RIGHT BEFORE THE ONE SHOW I LEFT ON THE SCHEDULE, right before company comes over. Oh, won't the boys LOVE my charming attitude tomorrow!
If any of you voyeurs saw me looking flushed while I slouched in my chair and/or heard the sound of buzzing and wondered what I might have been watching while I masturbated with my magic wand, it was a video of Tucker jacking off that I was editing for his update tonight.
Then again, you probably didn't see or hear it because it only lasted for about four minutes and I didn't take off any clothes or start moaning or anything. Wand over pants watching cockstroking = quick orgasm for Trixie.
When we started watching the Seahawks vs. Bears football game this morning I honestly didn't think we'd be watching long, assuming Chicago would take an early and pronounced lead and we'd just turn off the rest of a boring game. If you watched it, though, you know it didn't turn out that way. It was an entertaining waste of time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Watching Matt Hasselbeck (Seattle's quarterback aka "the guy who throws the ball", I should tell you, since this isn't a sports blog) doubled over in pain from his broken fingers while he kept on playing made me wonder how people would respond if I as a webwhore/camgirl, for instance, did a masturbation show with broken fingers and kept wincing in pain, and then had an announcer reminding everyone in the viewing audience of all of the injuries I'd suffered while doing explicit sex shows and masturbation.
Trixie's back today and it looks like she's still favoring her right ankle; no one really knew last month that she sprained that ankle when she twisted it wearing five inch fetish heels because she kept her game face on and kept doing her show but wound up having to stay off her feet and on her back for the past three weeks to give that time to mend, really REDUCING her versatility on the playing field. She looks to be in fine form tonight, though, with no traces of that rectal tear giving her any problem, but I wouldn't be surprised if we saw that ripped asshole FLARE UP in the second half.
Wouldn't the anti-porn, anti-whore people be mortified? And wouldn't they be even MORE mortified if a whore suffered those kinds of injuries and actually got paid as much as a pro football player?
Yeah, that's what I thought. You know what I'm talking about.
On Tuesday we shot a hot POV (point of view) blowjob video culminating in many jets of spooge being shot in the air right in front of my face and tongue. To make it a GOOD video, we made sure the BJ lasted a nice long while (fifteen or twenty minutes?). By the time Tucker came, I was so wet and so excited from playing with his cock I wondered why we don't shoot videos like that more often.
There's only one reason we don't shoot more hardcore: because we're lazy. Oh, I sometimes beg out of it using the excuse that I want our sex to be natural and not staged for the camera with a bunch of lights shining on us because that detracts from the fun of having real sex, but that's a lie because I've enjoyed every single sex scene we've shot. Sure, it's a nuisance setting up the lights and your range of motion becomes limited and there are professional considerations to make and a certain amount of self-consciousness to contend with, but overall they usually wind up being a pretty good time.
It's true that making porn and doing camshows can often drain us of recreational sexual energy, but sometimes it actually amps up our sex drives. I almost hate to admit it, but being semi-obligated and professionally-motivated to shoot hardcore porn for our members is a really good thing for our relationship, especially at this point. THIS point, where we've been living together, 99% monogamous, for over four years and fucking each other (almost exclusively) for five.
We have always had great sex since the very beginning -- really steamy stuff. As the years have progressed we've perfected sex to something that requires really minimal effort and has lost some of its old creative ambition. For example, I hardly ever give him head even though I love having his cock in my mouth -- it's just not efficient though since I, well -- since I sort of like having quickies and I orgasm quickly by riding him. Over the years we've started defaulting to the most-efficient position and haven't been talking as dirty to each other. The sex is still great, it's just not as varied or all-consuming as it used to be on a regular basis.
I shudder to think how our sex would decline and grow even more stale if we weren't motivated by porn to liven things up every so often and remind ourselves how gratifying an episode of oral sex with the lights on can be.
We are not so different from all the other couples out there with regular jobs and regular lives. I mean, everything about us is regular except that we have porn sites. Sometimes guys say how much they wish their wives were like me and I remind them that I am not as different from their wives as they imagine me to be -- the only difference is that I get PAID to be sexy. Maybe if their wives were paid to have sex on camera and could justify spending money on the lingerie and shoes I buy then they would be just like I am.
Even with all of the motivation and freedom I have to lead a hypersexual super-stimulating life, "regularity" has set in for us, too. It's not a complaint, it's natural -- when things are perfect and cozy and wonderful you get lazy and complacent and take everything for granted. Sometimes you have to remember that keeping a relationship vital and exciting IS WORK. We are lucky that our relationships (to each other and to ourselves) IS our work, our sole source of income, and it forces us to spice things up in ways that I think we'd probably neglect even more if we had normal jobs.
Food and television encourage us to spend so much time not looking at each other and getting pleasure from stuffing our faces it really does take a concerted effort to get turned on when we are so used to each other. It's not like the old days where we only had one day a week with each other to get all fucked-out with each other's still-unfamiliar bodies. Shooting porn and scheduling sex can actually be a blessed exercise in looking at each other from fresh angles and reminding ourselves that we *are* sexy (to each other and to ourselves) and there is a whole audience of people eager to masturbate to whatever we produce and they aren't tired of us yet. I don't want to make it sound like Tucker "bores" me now that we've been together for a handful of years; that's not what I'm saying (though I do think it's really natural for people to be less-easily aroused by long-term partners the longer long-term they are; let's be realistic AND let's not forget I've put on a few pounds -- I do think it makes a difference, at least to me -- or forget to consider poor Tucker who endures my toxic gaseous emissions on a daily basis). I adore Tucker and love him more and more all the time and I still never stop being amazed at how gorgeous and beautiful he is. I think as your love for someone expands and deepens, the sexual part of that love becomes a relatively smaller, less-obvious factor and hey -- I'd be a liar if I pretended we don't have a couple of "issues" we both need to work on; things do pop up in long-term relationships that need some attention and distract you from 24/7 fuck marathons.
A couple of hours after we shot that video we wound up fucking; I was still wet from the excitement of giving him head. We did it with the lights off but people could still hear us on our spycams. We did it the same way we always do but somehow it was more exciting and charged up just because we stepped out of our routine earlier that day to make some blowjob porn.
I hesitate to post this entry because it feels almost too-private and too-easily misunderstood, but I think it's a good reality check for non-porn people to realize that we are not insatiable nymphomaniacs; we actually struggle with many of the same challenges other couples deal with and people should be wary of the temptation to judge or criticize their own relationships or partners by comparing them to people who are entertainers, especially if the entertainment they offer is pornography. It's not a fair comparison if all you're looking at is the pretty pictures, hour-long shows, and little video clips.
I should also emphasize that I don't think a relationship is going down the toilet just because there's less sex in it than there was in the beginning, or even if you go through dry spells. I'm also not here to judge people who don't really care about sex all that much and have based their relationships (or solitude) on de-emphasizing sex. I just usually like life a lot more when I'm getting laid regularly and am just reminding myself and other people that sometimes you have to make a conscious EFFORT to put on your sex-hat.
Shit -- I should also clarify that working on a relationship means more than working on the SEX part of a relationship. I'm pretty sure that working on the other parts usually indirectly lead to more and better sex, but anyway -- I was supposed to be writing a "sexy" blog entry, not a therapeutic cuddlefest for couples. Leave it to me to make even a simple sex entry into a huge brain dump full of caveats.
I've got a thing for girls and bubblegum . . . and boobs. Anyone sharing my appreciation of these elements will probably enjoy the gallery and video we shot today. Above is my favorite photo, one I loved so much that I have two versions of it in the gallery: one portrait and one landscape because I love looking at the bumps and colors and angel-in-need-of-bubblegum-oxygen-mask. And the way that my mouth looks SO much like a pussy (do you see that broken hymen up there?) and the gum splatters sometimes look like *another* layer of pussy and/or remind you of cum splatters, but yummy watermelon-flavored cum and sticky pink messes. I like things that *remind* me of sex and genitals but aren't. And I love the silliness and tacky-bored attitude gum-chewing and bubble-blowing convey.
Sometimes when we shoot stuff it's because we have to shoot *something* and it is kind of a bore; other times I really love what we're doing and the finished product. This bubblegum stuff is something I *love* that's fun and provocative (to me).
The video is not nearly as "sweet" -- there is some crazy-ass natural-titty action in it with my boobs flopping and whirling and swinging and swaying . . . all while I chomp on gum and try to blow bubbles as I'm getting fucked by Tucker. Good stuff.
We're leaving this afternoon for a two night shooting spree in a local hotel. Sadly, it's not wired for internet access, so you won't be seeing much excitement on our cams for the next couple of days. Maybe you'll catch the dog doing something interesting or spot us checking on her or our email during frequent trips home to let her go pee, etc.
I hope to write more pithy blog entries upon our return now that I am completely saturated with television. I had a nasty dream about Flava Flav last night involving his teeth which were actually three elaborate sets of dentures. Everyone was playing basketball at some rapper's house when Flav decided to show me his teeth since I accidentally pitched a ball at his face, potentially harming his "teeth".
The first row was an intimidating row of predatorial metal jaws which he was able to lift out to reveal a startling inch-thick set of thick white falsies (sort of like game tiles or white dominos). Upon removal of the white ones there was a hideous rotten brown forest of brown stumps and decay like wet cardboard.
Watching MTV (and most specifically MTV Cribs) brought this sordid nightmare upon me and I think I need to pull myself away from the tube if I'm to avoid my brain being invaded by these grotesque visions. So. More good blogging, less tv-watching.
I just uploaded a couple of embarrassing updates to my members-only area. One of them being a non-pornographic only SLIGHTLY risque gallery featuring my massage therapist and I. The less porn-intentioned something is, the more intimate it seems to be, and the better it lends itself to naughty real-life sorts of fantasies. I really love the photos Tucker took, the colors, the light and my freckled pink skin.
Speaking of massages, Tucker and I exchanged some last night and then he gave me a really good handjob and we had really yummy sex. Then we turned on American Psycho and I fell asleep to the sounds of Patrick Bateman's anxiety.
I had to wake up early to do some work that had to be done (selecting photos for promotional purposes takes me A VERY LONG TIME -- wading through tons of pictures trying to find the perfect ones to best represent you, second-guessing everything, wondering if it really will fit their layout or needs, etc.) so I lost some sleep and had to take a nap later. I wound up having some intense sex dreams and orgasms -- my clit was SO engorged it was blue-tinged and much larger than usual. I strummed it furiously, and also bent over to lick and kiss it (oh the sweetness of defying physical limitations in dreams). One of my stepbrothers was also involved; I was lucid enough to somewhat guiltlessly indulge in the taboo and enjoyed the hell out of it. Needless to say, my pussy was really wet when I woke up.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) we'll be moving all of our cams and computers to the new house, so they (the cams) will be down while I'm waiting for the cable guy. I hope the transition will be smooth and nearly-seamless for our members, but chances are there could be some hangups. I anticipate it will take a month to establish most of the cams in their perfect new locations and get new cables, mics and other equipment as the situation demands. The new computer won't come until next week so we may be short two or three cams in the meantime since we won't have the reach we have here; with one computer on one side of this house, and one on the other, we can stretch into pretty much every room. In the new house both of our computers will be in one corner of the house, with living and sleeping spaces in extreme other corners so we'll need to have more stations to cover it all.
I know that's totally boring information, but I hate it when some people don't understand that there are logistical issues to consider with the whole spycam setup. All I really want people to know is that it's more complicated than some people imagine and I'm sensitive, have performance anxiety and I *so* desire to do a good job that it just makes me very uptight when some people think I'm not doing all I can to give *the best* far-reaching coverage of our home. I become very insecure and overwhelmed during moving-stress because I'm essentially USELESS during the process and feel completely incompetent. Thanks for your patience. Tucker is taking care of it/me and I will be back to semi-normal soon.
Full Galleries & vids appearing in our Members-Only areas in current & future updates. JOIN NOW for access to ALL of our pics (full size) & vids!
I love wiggling my toes and referring to them as "piggies". I love how animated toes are, how plump and scrumptious they look, like the perfect finger food, like giant fat pale maggots roasted and eaten with relish by jungle tribesmen, their greases dripping down the feasting men's chins. Toes often look like they're stupidly straining towards survival, low-i.q. little beings struggling to escape their human attachments.
I'm not sure if I have more interest in playing with other people's feet or with having my own feet stimulated and worshipped. I don't find my own feet particularly pretty, so I'm more interested in other people's feet aesthetically, both men's and women's. Still, I have always intuitively reached out to people with my feet (which freaked out a couple of guys who were NOT footlovers and didn't appreciate having my feet thrust in their laps and faces). I like the distance my legs provide between me and another person; I enjoy sitting back and watching my playmate while I prod him with my feet and caress him with my toes. It's like two people facing each other to watch a movie projected into a space between each other, feet in hands or on genitals. The distance offers the intimacy of eye contact and a much wider, deeper visual playground.
As a kid I loved sucking my own toes . . . something about the salty flavor, I think. And as a preteen I was obsessed with trying to get my dad to kiss my toes. I know, that sounds kind of weird now, but at the time it didn't seem at all sexual to me (at least, not that I was aware of on a conscious level), although my dad must have thought it sexual because for some reason that mystified me, he vehemently refused to kiss my toes. His refusal only stiffened my resolve to force him to kiss my toes, and I would shove my bare feet in his face. "WHY, Daddy, WHY won't you kiss my toes??? Just do it ONCE and I'll stop bugging you!!" He would never explain why this simple act of affection was totally out of bounds and it drove me fucking MAD with an obnoxious combination of annoyance, confusion, and stubbornness. Daddy was easily manipulated so I was certain he'd fold under my screeching pressure, nearly kicking him in the face while I'd stick my feet in between his face and the T.V. guide or Jane's Tanks and Combat Vehicles Recognition Guide or whatever else he was trying to read.
Because Daddy almost *always* gave me my way, it's possible his refusal to kiss my feet (though he would tickle them for me, if I asked) made me want them kissed much much more than if he'd just done it. Why would he deny this simple request? It didn't make any sense, especially since he was normally so totally under my thumb.
Anyway, for those of you who have been begging for footjob action, the chocolate covered cherries shoot yielded some HOT and extra gooey video footage once Tucker got involved. I'll be posting all of the videos to TastyTrixie.com eventually, but right now Part I of the gallery is there, and the videos with Tucker are on TrixiesHouseboy.com, so if you don't want to wait another second to see that, join his site or SpyOnUs.com to get all of our sites, including Delia's.
NO ONE EVER ASKS In the chatrooms, on private calls, and during shows I'm often asked whether I like black guys, whether I've fucked them . . . if I like black cock. But no one ever asks if I like Indians, whether or not I've fucked a native . . . if I crave indigenous cock.
For that matter the guys don't ask if I'm a sucker for asian men, if I've had experience with jews, or if I've body-surfed with pacific islanders. Nope, the race fetish is almost exclusively limited to blonde chicks and black dicks (or white guys and asian girls but I'm neither so I don't get asked about that). Apparently all other interracial sex is blase, or maybe other minorities just don't exist for most people in a way that warrants enough notice to spawn sexual objectification or fetishism. EDIT: there are definitely plenty of people who fetishize every single race and ethnicity, so I shouldn't make it sound like those people don't exist . . . I probably just hear a lot of the black/white thing because I happen to be a blonde white chick but still, it's weird they never ask me about my level of attraction to anything BUT black guys.
I don't really like being pelted by those questions anyway so I guess I'm glad they don't run down a full list of boxes to be checked for each possible exotic coupling I might have experienced. The fact is that I enjoyed compulsively checking off many of those boxes, not because I have a specific yen for one race over another, but because I liked collecting differently colored experiences. Like sticking flagged pushpins on a map for each place visited, I liked collecting numbers . . . names . . . experiences. Like a guy who wants to buy a dance from each girl in the club or a person who wants to try EVERYTHING on one menu. It wasn't actually something I actively sought out, but during and afterwards I'd secretly cross another skin tone off the list of to-do's. It's hard for me to remember all of the people I've had sex with, so a more unique physical appearance gives those guys more endurance in my memory.
As far as the question goes, I don't think black guys are better hung . . . in fact the only thing I've noticed is that the ones who were possibly bigger tended to be on the long and skinny side, which I find the most unappealing in terms of penis aesthetics. Anyway, I don't have enough experience there to do any kind of ridiculous racial penis profiling.
The only significant special attribute I've attached to anyone because of race or ethnicity is because of a Puyallup Indian boy who I really thought I was communicating deeply with, without words. It felt paranormal . . . extrasensory. Of course, I was also drunk but there was another guy there when we first started fooling around, and I wasn't feeling any psychic connection to HIM so it couldn't have just been the alcohol. I don't think it was some kind of preconcieved notion I had where I EXPECTED him to be more "spiritual" or something since I was not really conscious of his race or even sure what it was until after the fact. I'm not saying he was a fantastic lover either because he wasn't; though he was kind enough to give me my first rim job, he also gave me painful hickies on my inner thighs and that's really the only physical sensation I took away from the experience . . . but the PSYCHIC sensation was something else.
But no one ever asks about that, and I guess I'm glad I don't have to answer.I do sort of have a fetishistic attraction to hispanic guys, though. Remember Epstein on "Welcome Back Kotter"? I had a BIG crush on him. I also used to love Chico and the Man. There've been a few others too, I think.
BEATING MY BUTTON The past couple of days I've been inordinately horny, maybe because I'm ovulating but more likely because of this:
I've had countless -- fucking COUNTLESS -- strangers ask me to entertain them in various chatrooms with descriptions of what turns me on. "What turns you on baby?" "What do you like sexually?" This is their version of sexual equity and feigning interest in my pleasure and needs. I try to empathize with them as they have never been on the receiving end of such a repetitive, ceaseless hammering of questions. Sometimes I tell them they can find some of that information by reading my journal, checking out my site, or paying for a private phone call or video show with me. Blah blah blah. Other times I tell them the truth and I do so with a vengeance: "I like guy-on-guy action, macho buddies jacking off with each other, guys who will fuck anything and everything from couch cushions to blowup dolls to pvc pipes to microwaved liver. I like easily-dominated big dumb mouth-breathing hulks of guys who stand around drooling with their mouths open. I like guys who can suck their own cocks or at least give it a desperate yearning neck-breaking attempt." Of course, I also like women with hispanic accents, but I don't tell them that part. Anyway, they usually shuttup after that, or try to prompt me towards a direction they find more palatable, "but don't you also like licking your girlfriends' bald pussies?" Snort. Not as much as I'd like to walk in on a guy doing a little up and over dousing his own face with spunk.
Wil Wheaton (of Stand By Me and Star Trek fame) says he never gets tired of answering the same old questions from fans "because even if it's the thousandth time I've been asked a question, it's the first time the person asking it has ever heard the answer." Well folks that's commendable, but I am no Wil Wheaton. I get bored. Quickly.
Dishing out canned answers to every Tom, Dick and Hairy Dick that comes into my chatroom makes me feel like a cafeteria whore slapping green jello with bananas onto an assembly line of anonymous brown lunchroom trays. Oh boy -- look at it jiggle!! But it's so cold and jello green is so not a sexy color. :(
Part of the allure of logging, photographing, and sharing so much stuff on my websites is this delusion I have that once I say something . . . I'll never have to say it again because it's already out there, somewhere, even though I can't remember saying it or where it is and certainly no one ELSE could remember it, but no matter . . . it's my delusion and I'm sticking to it. Another way this delusion operates: I have a few pictures where I look pretty damned good and deep down I feel like . . . okay, I've got the proof that I've looked sexy once or twice, I feel great about it, now where's my flannel robe, the potato chips and is there really a reason why I should brush my hair ever again? Let Tucker be the sexy one in our duo, I much prefer the role of the fat bastard pimp.
But I digress. What I really meant to say was that I've been horny as hell the past couple of days because of a self-sucking site I found. If you want to read more from me about it, check here.
Oh, and tomorrow is my show day, so check here for the times. I won't be doing a tubtime and chat beforehand this time around, but I do have a couple other chats scheduled this week that I hope will be fun for all concerned, so don't be afraid of dragonlady webwhore . . . just be prepared to contribute more to the conversation than predictabe questions.
SLEEPY GOOD I can't think straight right now -- can't decide what things to write about and what things to leave out, what things to do and what things to wait on. So I'll just give you a picture and let you know that the day the picture was taken (yesterday) was one of the horniest I've ever experienced.
Houseboy and I had a frustrating experience the night before with me trying to take pictures of him but initially failing due to my disappointment with myself in not even understanding my own stupid camera. I really wanted to take pictures of him in his spectacles but the fucking lights were reflecting off of them and without the lights shining on him everything was too dark. Anyway, enough of the frustrating part. He kept his good humour and pretty much made it impossible for me to just quit and go to bed . . . so we wound up with a pretty good set of pictures of him and . . . even sexier I got to videotape him jacking off. I cannot even describe how much of a dream come true this is, just getting to watch a guy jack off in real life and not be allowed to do anything about it. Since houseboy's site will be friendly for all audiences (male or female), there's no need to throw me in the mix every single time -- he needs some sexy solo content. Anyway, then yesterday houseboy took pics of me (see above) and I took pics of him . . . and another video. I almost wept from being so excited standing behind the camera while he jacked off. OH god yum. What a perfect tease!!
I absolutely love being the voyeur instead of the performer/participant/exhibitionist. And it's not just because I do it all the time for work . . . it's because the role of voyeur comes much more naturally to me than the role of exhibitionist. Most of my seemingly exhibitionistic behaviors are rooted more in my imaginings of what someone would be feeling by voyeuring me.
One of the most fascinating things happened when houseboy and I were looking through the pictures I took of him . . . looking at beautiful image after beautiful image of him on the monitor somehow he became somebody distant and celebrity-like. Staring at his still smiling/pouting/flirting sultry images I just absolutely marveled at his perfection . . . and I thought about how hysterically women will idolize beautiful sexy men (like Elvis and Tom Jones). I have always been fascinated by that panty-throwing/fainting/screaming phenomenon. I don't know if men are capable of that kind of senseless maddening worship the way women are. Part of it is arousal, sure, but it's much more all-being-encompassing than simple sexual arousal. It's like your mind, body and spirit are completely driven by intense brainwashed excitement. I seriously felt myself approaching that kind of hysteria with him yesterday . . . staring at the computer houseboy pictures for so long then finally turning around and looking at the real houseboy standing before me, SO gorgeous I tried to explain "it" (this wacky celebrity worship thing) to him . . . and just as I was reaching for the words he took a step towards me and was almost touching me and I truly felt my guts dropping and my entire face lighting up as though STAR STRUCK . . . ohmygodohmygod it's really him!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!(insert hair pulling face squishing jumping up and down wetting pants screaming)AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's going to touch me oh my god it's HIM!!!!!! I didn't know whether to jump into his arms or take a step back!! It was the wackiest feeling! Silly and totally ridiculous, but I felt it anyway.
Anyway, if you want to see just one of the tame pictures of my the "object" of my hysteria, I think that houseboy is publishing one in his journal momentarily.
Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Sunday 2/9/03 update JOIN NOW for full set of photos I took on the day Bunny & I made love!
Wow. I spent hours today going over the pictures I took of Bunny the day we "got it on". The pictures were taken before I had any idea we would wind up rolling around TOGETHER on her bed. Anyway -- I could stare at them all day and the way they she looks so utterly feminine. Wearing this soft pale blue slip on her white white skin and with that beautiful cupid's bow mouth of hers . . . mmmm . . . it's hard for me to describe how timelessly she embodies "woman". I swear, anybody looking at her in these pictures, regardless of their age or background, has got to recognize immediately that she is a classic sex symbol -- not in the jane russell kind of way, but in the neighbor-lady-who-let-me-come-in-when-she-was-barely-dressed-when-all-I-wanted-to-do-is-see-if-she-wanted-a-newspaper-subscription kind of way.
Sometimes I wonder how much time other amateurs spend putting together galleries for their updates. I suspect that I waste more time than most doing very silly things that other people automate. For example, I relish picking out a font for my domain name that will fit the mood of the photos. Then I waste a bunch of time placing my domain name image onto an appropriate spot on the photo that won't cover anything up. I enjoy seeing the way the colors and the shadows and everything compliment each other. It's ridiculous how much time I spend on these little tasks. But I like it.
Another thing I wonder about is the interplay between vanity, porn standards, market demand, individual fetishes, reality, legacy-building and "art". I find myself sorting through hundreds of pictures of myself trying to pick through them and create an enjoyable gallery for members. It's HARD though. All of these conflicting demands vie for my attention. First of all, I myself have a short attention span so I don't really like looking at galleries of more than 25-30 pictures. I find it very repetitive and boring and wind up really not relishing a few really sexy images -- it's almost as though as soon as I see allllllllllllllll those pictures I find myself aware of the clock and that I need to hurry up and scroll through them. Perhaps this is just a function of my femininity though? Maybe guys don't think that way. Plus most people in the internet porn industry slap together huge galleries of 75 or more pictures. But then again, lots of those galleries are built around girls who are flawless looking. Frankly I wind up with a very mixed bag of content. I have a few really flattering images (a VERY few), a lot of pictures that cater to individual fetishes (hairy, freckles, natural tits, etc.) that a lot of people withOUT those fetishes don't really find appealing, and a lot of images that are artistically interesting but antierotic.
When I look at pictures like the one above I'm just not sure what to do with it. It certainly doesn't depict me at my aesthetic BEST (see the chin fat, the exhausted expression, etc.) but it's an appealing image. I think it would be more appealing to me if I were looking at a stranger though instead of myself. And then there's the problem of it being on a "porn" site. Well . . . I don't really think most of the stuff in my members area is "porn". Although I love the porn title and feel it's important to commit myself to challenging the stereotypes associated with the word (and the only way to do that is to call what I do "porn") . . . really a lot of what I love making most is stuff that you would find shoved into a library book and accidentally left there. Seriously, that's what I imagine most of the words and images on my site are really meant for . . . to be discovered with no explanation and no context. Just intimate photographs and jotted notes for someone to discover and wonder about, unable to decide if the women they're looking at are ugly or beautiful, average or exotic, rare or commonplace, passive or aggressive. Unable to do more than imagine what the circumstances were surrounding the taking of the pictures or their lives in general.
I'd love to make a site (or *something*) like that and have fantasized about it before . . . something the captures the trespass of finding something that wasn't meant for you but that you long to keep and wish you understood better. The kind of thing you want to stick under your mattress or save in a shoebox. The only hard part about doing a site like that is that with guest content I wouldn't be able to give credit back to the models without destroying the mystery of the whole thing. MMmm. . . or maybe not. Maybe there could be little "unveil the mystery" links. And of course I could always pursue photography more and then I wouldn't be under any obligation to give the models any credit at all. Sigh. One of a million unpursued ideas I have . . .
Speaking of doing more photography, I put an ad in the local paper for naughty people to pose for me. And I have fantasized about approaching young girls like an old rotten-toothed pervert. My sister and I were in McDonalds a few weeks ago and the girl behind the counter was fucking angelic. She was plump and had the sweetest face. So far I haven't seen any barely-legal chubby girl sites (although I'm sure they're out there) -- the teen sites always seem to focus on the skinny underdeveloped set. But seriously, the baby fat look is just as provocative and sexy, I think. Anyway, I wondered if there was a way I could give this girl my card without totally scaring the shit out of her and having the law on my ass.
Anyway, back to my competing demands when putting together content for my site; somehow I feel like honoring those competing demands in a very inconsistent way that is my "special purpose" or comprises the personal "legacy" I am supposed to be building with my life. Although I feel conflicted about it sometimes and hypercritical of it, I LIKE that what I do is a mixed bag of all kinds of stuff: the thoughtful and the careless, the priceless and the cheap, the mainstream and the marginalized, the captivating and the repulsive, the dirty and the sweet, the pretty and the unpleasant, the hard and the soft, the forced and the natural, blah blah blah.
I don't think that most people understand that when a girl has pictures made of herself . . . it's not porn, it's immortality. It's the fountain of youth. It's enduring proof that she's a sex object in hard copy just like a girl in a magazine or Jesus's words in a red letter edition of the bible.
DOWNSTAIRS It's really odd . . . houseboy is downstairs learning Premiere (Adobe video editing software) on the laptop while I'm upstairs working on galleries. We've exchanged a few emails this way (yes, we're in the same fucking house and we're emailing each other) and I find myself really enjoying it. I like being close but a little removed. Communicating without speaking.
Hahahaha! He just sent me an email telling me to quit slouching (he is checking on me on the spycams). Hehehe.