I'm betting people are curious how my psychiatrist appointment went, so here's a post that's JUST about that:
It was a relief to see him; I was amazed how much he remembered after more than five years, and that was without even having the benefit of reviewing my old records since he moves them from his office to his garage if inactive and older than five years.Hmmm . . . now that I'm trying to write this I'm not sure how much of it I feel like sharing, not because any of it was bad or even that personal, it's just the kind of thing that requires a lot of context and background information to be accurate and I know people have a tendency to be judgmental about prescription drugs, people who are diagnosed with new labels, etc. On the other hand, I know that for every person who reads this stuff and thinks, "what a crock of shit/loony bird/lazy, oversensitive drug-seeker" there's another person who can relate.
Long story short, I'm really glad I went. It's always so cool to have positive, meaningful experiences with health care professionals where you are helped in a way that also makes you feel respected, empowered and cared for by people who are extremely knowledgeable and gifted. I wish everybody could afford to get the care they need from people who deliver it at such a high and loving level.
Aside from the intangible benefits of going, I came away with my generic 10 mg Ritalin
prescription and an assortment of other samples and scripts to try since I live too far away to come often (four hour round trip), my insurance isn't paying for it so it's too expensive for me to come often, and I said I can't afford to try anything new after my bad experiences with Adderall
(it made me feel really depressed and hopeless) I'm reluctant to stray from what I know works for me.
I've only filled the prescription for the Ritalin, but also have Focalin
, Concerta and Vyvanse
sample scripts. For a couple of weeks I'm just going to enjoy my old standby, though. I took some last night before I went to sleep (yes, I know that's contraindicated but it often *helps* me get more relaxed, satisfying sleep) and it was just a huge fucking relief.
Another big relief is that he gave me a sample kit for Lamictal
(a mood stabilizer). I don't feel like getting into a discussion at the moment about whether or not I'm bipolar, but either way it sounds like a safe drug (even if you're trying to get pregnant or are pregnant) that's worth trying. I'm not sure whether or not I *will* try it, but I can't describe what a huge relief it is to have it here and to know that if things get any worse I have something that will probably make it better. I'm going to wait and see if I continue to have dramatically fucked-up mood swings (example: getting one of my "brilliant ideas" and getting so worked-up/hyper-enthusiastic/crazily-driven that I'm pacing uncontrollably for a few hours then plummet into a state of horrifying self-loathing and hopeless depression lasting twice as long as the crazy-high; apparently "they" are expanding how they diagnose bipolar disorder so it's not just limited to people who cycle slowly from one extreme to the other). I'm still going to see an endocrinologist to find out if there's a hormonal problem fucking with my head, and I know lack of exercise and stress are other big factors that can make people crazy but sometimes meds can work miracles, even if you just try them to learn how it feels to be different or are reminded that things can be better.
I just have to say HUGE RELIEF again. That's what it is. To know you have options and boosts. To know that if things get worse there is help to be had (and that things don't HAVE to get worse before you seek it out).
Labels: depression, drugs, fears, health, ritalin, therapy