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The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more. MY SITE FEED 
(outdated) F.A.Q.s About this blog OUR INDIE PORN SITES:  My Personal Porn Site  My Boyfriend's Site  My Girlfriend's Site  My Menstruation Site  All our sites combined. 
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AMATEUR PICPOSTS: Pics of hot blondes here! Pics of couples here! Pics of big tits here! Pics of nasty acts here!   Trixie's Friends    |
Thursday, February 23, 2006
My Friends' Websites
MY FRIENDS' WEBSITES A lot of indie porn girls trade members-only site access. It's often a professional courtesy that allows us to satisfy our curiosity about each other and to see how other "amateurs" run their sites. Often, it's a way for friends to keep up with each other. I usually have free access to four to ten friends' sites at a time. Sometimes I don't even get a chance to look at their members-only area before the password they set up for me expires, so I try to offer people access to my site for at least a year, usually as a hint that I want them to reciprocate for a similarly long period of time. I rarely masturbate to my friends' photos or videos, though they often arouse me. I'm not stopping myself out of guilt at sexualizing my friends or anything, it's just that I go to their members-areas more for comfort than for porn. It's just a way for me to know that they're still out there and to see little morsels of their lives. I never look at every single photo in their galleries, and often don't even take the time to wait for their videos to download (I'm very impatient and a number of my friends are Mac lovers and I rarely have the patience or time to indulge in waiting for an entire video to download before it begins to play). But somehow just seeing that they posted an update (a new video or gallery with a few words accompanyting it) relaxes me. My feelings about my friends' site inform a lot of what I do (and hope to do) on my own site(s). I don't have the energy or even the desire to interact with people in traditional ways very often or to communicate with them a lot with words, but I still *need* people. I still love them and find comfort in observing other people's lives. Most of the time I just want to peek at them, to be consoled by a few little details of their daily existence. To have them throw me a bone in the form of some little revelation, however mundane or simple. Sometimes other people's lives are a source of stability for me. Not actually being INVOLVED myself in their lives, but observing them from afar. Like turning on the radio in the middle of the night when you're alone and hearing someone's voice. With my attention deficit disorder I am so often mentally floating or being banged about by chaos with no points of reference. Somehow looking into a pared down version of someone else's world orients me to my own. A major intention of my site is to offer that which I seek: the comfort of someone else's geniune and mundane reality. The stability of a commitment that involves very simple promises: to update at least once a week, to let you see inside my home, to be doggedly awkward and aggressively vulnerable and embrace a host of other odd contradictions. To insist that my site will always be here, always be run by me, and that I will always be accessible while being extremely distant and introvertedly withdrawn. That I will never look flat and static and that no one will feel like there are middleman between us, only a vast digital distance. That I will never change so much as to become unrecognizable if you are checking in with me frequently. I feel genuine disappointment when I go to one or another friends' sites and there is no new journal entry or *something*. Some new smudge of a fingerprint from them. And I feel genuinely relieved when there *is* something new from them. It's hard to explain how profoundly comforting it is to find some new little something from them. It's not that I think they owe me something or that I don't think they're doing enough. That's not it at all. But from a purely selfish standpoint I derive great comfort from some little version of a status report. Day 1,782: I am still here, I got these panties on sale and I took some pictures wearing them and I acknowledge that I did this because people want to see pictures of me wearing panties and are PAYING to see things like that so I went shopping and I did things to my body and face and I got out a camera and I smiled in advance at all of those people and you are one of them. Maybe that kind of a message doesn't comfort you, but it does me. I read this book, I slept in late. I haven't said anything but for the past month I've been having problems with (fill in the blank). I think I derive comfort from these things in large part because THEY ARE NOT MEANT SPECIFICALLY FOR ME. There is no pressure for me to respond (though I could if I wanted to). I am only one of a large audience (that is still small enough that I am an important part of it). There is no pressure, there is only contact and reassurance. To call it contact may be a fantasy, but I don't care. It works for me. Sometimes (a lot of times) people come into our spycam chatroom and don't say anything. They don't type a word. They may stay for hours without saying anything. This is only mildly frustrating for me as "an entertainer", but is rich and cozy to me as a fellow voyeur. Making contact from a safe distance with no audible communication to blur and jiggle the soothing picture from afar. I am looking at someone else's life right now and somehow it eases the pressure and isolation of my own, even if I am just as far away from everyone as I was without this open window into yours. A lot of people, especially people in the porn industry, would say that I'm deluded to project my "feminine" emotional desires on the men who are my customers. Personally I think those naysayers are deluded to think that all men's interest in internet entertainment deflates to nothing after they've wilted their cocks with climax. If you can offer customers something in addition to the climax, isn't that desirable? Offering something more? One of the something mores I like providing is a sort of emotional reliability. Clearcut boundaries but with a commitment to always being around in certain ways. I am a tv show that will never be cancelled, and you are one of so few fans that your support honestly makes a measurable difference in my life; even if we never communicate with each other, you are part of an exclusive cult following. I think that's one of the coolest things about the internet: there are so many small sites and presences on the internet and many of those have their own little circle of fans. Out of such a vast array of options, people choose to become part of a small collection of fans to one or two or a few of them. Everybody can have a little something special. A tiny bit of contact. I really do feel swollen with pride and happiness at being able to offer a few like-minded people something to count on. A person to count on. You can't count on me for individual attention, but you can count on me to be here and to keep plugging away. To be extremely accessible in certain ethereal ways. I am trying to touch you and this is as close as I can come. That means something to me. 
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1 Comments:
Outstanding post. I think you've accurately described a lot of my surfing behavior, particularly now that I'm abroad.
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