Okay -- taking a cue from Diablo
& Ex-Millenial Girl
, I can't resist listing a few songs I hate:"We Built this City (On Rock and Roll)" - Jefferson Starship
I love eighties music -- as long as it doesn't have nasty nasal harmonies and showstopping optimism (see also, "Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Everybody Wang Chung Tonight)"
). I remember one of my best friends loving "We Built this City" when we were probably still in elementary school, and it seriously made me reconsider our entire friendship when she embraced this piece of shit, along with another song I despise, "Life in a Northern Town" - The Dream Academy
. My friend sang these songs enthusiastically with a tributary raised fist and eyes squeezed shut. "Ah heya, ma!Ma!MA!" She also seemed to know all the words to, "Say, Say, Say"
, one of those bizarre duets Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson did. Now that I think of it, that's kind of a cool song but at the time I thought it bore testament to her odd enjoyment of gross music by middle-agers-in-comeback. She was really "knee deep in the hoopla"."Change the World" - Eric Clapton, Wynona
GAHHHHH!!!! I feel a diarrhea explosion coming on whenever this song pops up (all. too. often). It's nothing against cheesy Eric Clapton since I absolutely adore "Wonderful Tonight"
. I mean I *love* that song! That and Lay Down Sally
are fantastic little ditties. But you really can't be trusted to change the world when you're noodling around with those pukey-jazz chords. I wouldn't even let him be in charge of changing a light bulb."Runaway Train" - Soul Asylum
I had access to MTV when this song came out, and the sights and sounds of this video made me want to retch. Normally you can count on me to love any song with the word "train" in it (assuming it's referring to the trains that travel on tracks as opposed to a gang bang situation), but not this one. No way. Oh, and while I was trying to figure out who performed this song, I ran across another barfy band credited with a great many hateworthy songs: Collective Soul."Fields of Gold" and "All this Time" - Sting
This is not an "I hate all contemporary adult music" thing, because I love so many of his songs. I think "Nothing Like the Sun" is a near-perfect album. Grown-up radio stations love following "Change the World" with "Fields of Gold", have you noticed that? Or the latest giant-mouthed major chords from Annie (see below)."Walking on Broken Glass" - Annie Lennox
Your stemware (and feet) will be safer, Annie, if you stop that god-awful screeching. Remember "Who's that Girl"? Yum. Where have the minor keys of the eighties gone? Oh that's right, we're walking through the golden fields of our golden years now. How uplifting, bold and triumphant of us!"Beautiful Day" - U2
They've really lost their edge, so to speak. And they won an award for this crap?? Again, I love lots of U2, but nothing makes me feel more like shit is falling from the sky than hearing this song bursting whinily from the radio. And by the way, I don't think it's appropriate to curse during an awards show, you pompous ass! Cursing in your blog = acceptable. Cursing on live television = crass and self-indulgent. It's bad form."Name" - Goo Goo Dolls
From an album called, "A Boy Named Goo". I don't get it, I never will, and it sounds like stir-fried shit."You've got a Friend" - James Taylor
A delusional song from a loony-bird. It's no wonder he spent time in a mental institution with these crazy notions. The lyrics are positively INSANE, yet folks everywhere celebrate this song and dedicate it to one another. "I promise to read your mind, to rescue you, to hear your anguished thoughts in spite of miles between us." It's a lovely SOUNDING song, but it's so unhealthy. This is not about friendship, it's about co-dependence and obsession. See also, "Don't Let Me be Lonely Tonight"
. If any of you have a lover who admires these songs greatly, I advise seeking a restraining order immediately."Soak up the Sun" and "Anything but Down" - Sheryl Crow
Okay, I don't actually hate "Anything but Down". In fact, I like it. Except for one small technical difficulty; apples DO NOT grow on vines, Sheryl. This song was the turning point in my "relationship" with Sheryl Crow. She had gotten too popular, and this stupid lyrical mistake made me start believing rumours I'd heard that Sheryl was actually really dumb and had stolen tunes from some guy and gave him no credit. I don't know the whole story or if it's the least bit credible, but since she does not know that apples grow on TREES, I can now believe any bad thing I hear about Sheryl Crow. The release of "Soak up the Sun" clinched it.
Where did you REALLY get that apple, Sheryl, because I know it wasn't from no fucking VINE. And you think *I* bring *YOU* down?? Bitch, you are a liar and I KNEW I couldn't trust you. Next thing you're going to be telling me you got that cubic zirconia all the way from a diamond mine in Africa. Seriously, if I had a girlfriend who told me she brought me apples from the vine I would break up with her post-haste.
Incidentally, wouldn't everything be different if Eve had taken the apple from the VINE of the knowledge of good and evil?
Know what I hate even worse than these songs? That it's hard for me to remember off the cuff which songs I hate, even though there is a sordid huge lot of them. I had to consult with Tucker a few times to figure out which songs I was thinking of. What's the name of that song by Dream something . . . about a place, a town, maybe in Minnesota, going to some place . . .
"Life in a Northern Town?" Tucker is a genius! What's the name of that song and there was a video and the guy had long stringy hair and was dating Winona Ryder and the word "train" is in it . . . you know what I'm talking about?
"Runaway Train?" Oh Tucker you are my HERO!! He also was able to name the Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney duets, even treating me to his own rendition of "The Girl is Mine".
I am a great hater of songs, a bitch who emphatically shouts, "I fucking hate this song! Why do they keep playing this shit??" before turning to stare sulkily out the car window with arms crossed until the channel is changed. I am a stabber of radio buttons. But seriously, I'm not a music snob. I have nothing against pop music per se, and don't think something is necessarily shit because lots of people like it. I just think there are so many people with musical talent in this world, but we choose to showcase so FEW of them. There is NO EXCUSE for playing so much crap in heavy rotation, and for over-producing music that would actually be good if it wasn't so . . . hollow and studio-fied. Sterilized music, synthetic body parts . . . yuck.
I also hate that I've never really mastered the rules for capitalization in titles, so my apologies for the scattiness above. Should have just capitalized the titles in their entirity to avoid this problem. Lectures in comments appreciated.Note: I've been meaning to compile some favorite-song lists -- you know, focus on the positive -- but I couldn't ignore the immediacy of the siren call of Really Annoying Songs.
Labels: memories, music