MEMBERS
I'm compiling an email list of people (for internal use only for very infrequent messages) who've joined our sites, and actually am on the verge of tears. It makes me feel so sentimental, seeing certain people's names pop up over and over again . . . people who have stuck with me for a long time and/or rejoined over and over again.

It's hard to describe some of the tender feelings I have for many of our members, and just a feeling of sheer gratitude too. Part of the bundle of feelings I have right now is of . . . security. Security in the sense of an electric ethereal hug of energy that there are so many people watching out for me, rooting for me, and supporting me.

It makes me sad that I can't be huger and more capable. That I've unwittingly bitched some of these same people out in the chatroom because I misunderstood them. That I haven't remembered more about many of them than a vague recognition at their names and a pleasantness associated with them, knowing there is something that I liked about this or that person, but I can't remember exactly what it was.

Going through sign-up after sign-up, seeing the names, the nicknames, the handles . . . those little bits of individuality signifying a human being who chose to blow his or her money to see a little bit more of me. All of those people who know so much about me, and have just as much dimension and originality as I do . . . and I am too limited as a human being to know them individually. I wish I were like Data. I wish I had a photographic memory. I wish I could demonstrate more often that I recognize them as people who are worth knowing and remembering.

When I first started camming on iFriends I kept spreadsheets of information, taking notes on names, where they were from, what kinds of shows they liked, how old they were, what their accents were liked (if we spoke on the phone). I loved being able to wow them by remembering them. I wish I could still do that. I wish I could do that all of the time.

I wish I could just express how much I appreciate seeing people's names . . . repeated . . . over the months and years and the ups and downs on my/our sites. I just don't know how to convey what it makes me feel like . . . it's very moving to me.

It's very rare that I get to spend to time just sort of meditating on the signup/membership data, but tonight (and the next few days) has provided me with this opportunity and I'm just bowled over by it. It's one of those things I think about often (the interesting relationships between webwhore and members), but to really immerse myself in it for an extended period of time and have something concrete in front of my eyes to focus on . . . it's intense.

You know, it's hard to post entries that sound all cheesy like this; what I'm saying is so true and so large, that it's demeaning to make it sound so sappy and silly. But it IS amazing, the power we have to influence other people. I'm feeling very empowered and trusted by other people right now, and just so thankful for the power my members (and callers and private viewers) have had to sustain me in this industry.

I can't help thinking about one of my Bobs, my first Bob (as a webwhore I have encountered many Bobs, Daves, Robs, Steves, Johns, Bills, etc.), and the way he would talk to me about his love for direct relationships between providers and customers, free of middlemen. Where the customer gives the creator/provider (of whatever goods or services) money (and feedback) directly. We really do have too little of that in our corporation-consumed world. Whenever a middleman jumps in, some of that good energy is lost. It's an incredible privilege for me to work without anyone jumping in between me and the people who pay me.

During moments like tonight, the distance between me and you seems miniscule. Sure you're invisible . . . but omnipresent. And so am I.

Wacky.
posted by Trixie at 4/25/2005 10:55:00 PM -