MUST WORK HARDER
I am nearing a financial crisis point that is going to force me to focus. For the first time in my life I have some shit being reported to collection agencies (those stupid stupid stupid tickets for driving with expired tabs and a library fine of all things PLUS I'll bet this one other credit card I forgot to change my address on months ago is hanging out in limboland somewhere). My insurance agency just dumped me because of course they won't carry someone with a suspended license (those stupid stupid stupid tickets for driving with expired tabs). On top of that one of my credit cards is maxed out (not actually my fault that Verio fucked up royally by hundreds of dollars and now I cannot get the charges reversed) and the other one is pretty damned close to maxed out.

I'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me, I am just being honest about where my stress is coming from.

I hate whiny public journals. Today I considered making a bitch-only journal. I think it was when I was freaking out about not being able to find any nail clippers and became OBSESSIVELY COMPELLED to find some feeling for certain if I did not find them and trim my nails I would undoubtedly get a viewer who would want deep and vigorous digital penetrations (that ALWAYS HAPPENS whenever my nails get too long -- it never fails -- someone will utter those words, "finger yourself baby -- MORE! HARDER! FASTER! DEEPER!!").

I'll be on again tomorrow -- 10 am to 1 pm probably.


I honestly felt SO much better this afternoon after I got my first viewer (he was VERY vocal and enthusiastic -- I mean a moaning groaning hollering phone dude). The only bad part was that I turned down phone with a known and nice entity and then he saw/heard me doing it with someone else. I am having a hard time scheduling shows off of iFriends these days because there is way too much trivia involved. I am so overwhelmed these days I just want to log in and have the people come to me with all the software and everything set up and without timing issues. It's really stupid sounding and I hate it because it ends up feeling like I'm rejecting my favorite members & fans . . . it has nothing to do with them though. It has to do with my limited capacity to deal with very small challenges that are probably not worth describing here but other chicks who do this stuff will know what I'm talking about.

Part of my problem is that I can't just think of doing phone and shows simply as money. If I *did* I would sell more shows the "smart" way -- but I feel like it just distracts me from enjoying myself (it being fucking with software compatability and doing time management by making appointments, etc.). Another problem is just that . . . there's a different feeling when I am standing in the ifriends line-up compared to when my members, etc. come to me off of that platform -- in a way it's much more flattering -- but in another way I feel really . . . I don't know I just have performance anxiety about it. I can't fully describe the difference right now -- but there IS a difference and I stress myself out about it entirely too much.

When you read or hear me making all these excuses and justifying my choices you will know it's a sign that I am hating myself. I know it will be okay -- I'm just at a low point right now. I feel like I'm constantly disappointing myself and other people. And then I feel twice as guilty about it because I know that's just my own fiendish insecurity wasting time and energy in stupid places.
posted by Trixie at 5/09/2003 11:13:00 PM -