ASLEEP IN THE SUNSHINE
After my webwhoring stint earlier today I went out onto the back porch intending to write. Sky was blue -- sun was warm . . . but the breeze was a tiny bit chilly so I brought lots of blankets out and the sleeping bag and two poofy pillows to lean against. MMmmm. . . it was so nice I thought I'd have some Ben & Jerry's Half Baked with my afternoon. And that was so nice and my thoughts were so impacted and unable to come out coherently in written form that I . . . well I laid down. I laid down in the soft nest of slippery sleeping bag, cushy pillows, and sunwarmed blankets. I laid down and smiled when I shut my eyes under the blue sky, listening to the neighbor's windchimes and tree leaves rustling in the wind. I slept and can't remember what I dreamt about . . . only that whenever I woke up I had no idea where I was, only that I felt safe and peaceful. I swear, I could have fucking been floating on a heavenly cloud -- you know when you're a little kid in an airplane for the first time and you see the tops of clouds and sunshine pouring all over them and think, "mmmm . . . that's heaven, sleeping on puffy clouds under sunshine." I felt exactly like that today, waking up pleasantly disoriented warm and cozy and safe outside. Without the normal atmosphere of cables and computers the porch could have been completely disconnected from the house. I may as well have been on a raft floating in a dense sea of unmowed grass in the middle of the summerlands. I could have been anywhere. I wasn't anywhere I was just safely at rest.

---

If there is any bright side to my hysteria over the past couple days it was shining on me today. Leaving behind worry and drifting free of it today was like being elevated out of a canyon of sadness. One of the most blissful components of being a moody person is that with deeper valleys you experience higher peaks.

Listening to a friend who's involved in a twelve step program makes me long for more focused spiritual . . . errr focus. But without the words. I don't feel comfortable or fair using contemporary Christian lingo. That's part of what I love about being Lutheran . . . they are pretty shy and restrained about using dramatic words in an everyday way. For me even attempting to verbalize certain things and ideas is . . . belittling somehow.

People have reached out to me in sweet ways over the past couple of days and I've been reminded how much God is in our connections to each other.

There's my random dailiness.

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Labels: dreams

posted by Trixie at 5/10/2003 11:34:00 PM -