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The Wandering WebWhore is my personal blog. I'm a 30-something indie pornographer whose journal covers a variety of topics: mundane daily life, work-related reflection, sex stuff, current events, and more. MY SITE FEED 
(outdated) F.A.Q.s About this blog OUR INDIE PORN SITES:  My Personal Porn Site  My Boyfriend's Site  My Girlfriend's Site  My Menstruation Site  All our sites combined. 
MORE JOURNALS & BLOGS: 
Excerpts from "The Wandering Webwhore" appear here: 
My camgirl profile CLICK HERE for live amateur webcam girls!!     
AMATEUR PICPOSTS: Pics of hot blondes here! Pics of couples here! Pics of big tits here! Pics of nasty acts here!   Trixie's Friends    |
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Idol: Pimping the Kids for All They're Worth
I almost decided to boycott American Idol last night. The only time I've been so disgusted with a television show that I refused to watch it was in response to the Wayne's World skit on Saturday Night Live when they made fun of Chelsea Clinton when she was just a tween. I know my refusal to watch something on television doesn't lead to positive change, but I reached my boiling point last night with Idol's continued sickening encouragement to viewers to be crazy fucking stalkers when they not only aired that disgusting phone call from some insane woman asking David Cook for a date, but presented it in their typical irresponsible, cutesyfied manner. I cringed watching him forced into the position where he had to act gracious and then they told her to stay on the line so they could get her contact information and make it happen. I despise the way they display hysterical young people in the audience holding up signs with marriage proposals. The way they forced little twink angel David Archuleta to have physical contact with some random girl in the audience. The way they broadcasted some grabby freak snatching Jason and KISSING him; I'm sorry, that's not funny or cute -- it's assault. Presenting it as something charming, desirable, laughable, and/or welcome is sickeningly irresponsible especially when you know you have an audience of deluded young people. No wonder you find horrible people writing shit like this: The first question of the evening was for David Cook, who was oh-so-busy wearing a smug expression. The caller entreated Cook to take her on a date, and because he thinks he’s a huge rock star he didn’t ever actually agree. It’s the woman’s birthday, jerk! And to that lady - sweets, you can do better.Yeah. You must really have an inflated sense of self to not want to go out with a total fucking stranger who's developed an insanely shameless crush on you. Don't you know you owe all the women in the world a date on their birthdays and if you deny them you must be a pompous shitstain? FYI: the first celebrity stalker was a young woman. Oh giggle, titter, hahaha. It's all very cute and harmless until someone gets shot in the chest. I'm also always left freaked out by the coverage of celebrity stalker cases like the recent crimes against Uma Thurman; they always seem to treat it less-than seriously, like it's all just a gossipy fun little personal tidbit to shove in the entertainment section, not a real crime exposing a peculiarly modern outlet for sickness. We're taught that celebrities have forfeited their humanity, privacy and personal time for fame and money; THEY BELONG TO *US*! They owe us!! Who do they think they are to reject us? Some people might perceive media coverage of this shit as "objective", but given how UNobjective, how obviously biased they are, in covering other stories their lack of overt concern or judgment in discussing celebrity stalkers feels like a chilling omission. Celebrities are presented as products we're never encouraged to empathize with. One of the few times the public is encouraged to sympathize with the severely mentally ill is when they target celebrities for abuse. What do the stars expect? They *asked* for people to love them, hahaha! Adding insult to injury, the stalkers are practically rewarded by getting to enjoy courtroom meetings with their victims. How fucking nasty is that? My angry reaction to Idol last night might have been partially fueled by this nugget of sickening anti-pornography legislation from some asswipe congressman claiming he's "committed to protecting the constitutional rights of every American": . . . designed to stem the sale of pornography on military installations. Broun’s legislation, the “Military Honor and Decency Act,” closes a loophole in current law that is allowing the sale of sexually explicit material on American military installations located both within the United States and around the world . . . . “Allowing the sale of pornography on military bases has harmed military men and women by: escalating the number of violent, sexual crimes; feeding a base addiction; eroding the family as the primary building block of society; and denigrating the moral standing of our troops both here and abroad. Our troops should not see their honor sullied so that the moguls behind magazines like Playboy and Penthouse can profit".Yeah, there's no greater way to honor a soldier than by telling him he's a sick dickless fuck who's too fucking stupid and morally retarded to decide for himself what kinds of pictures he's grown-up enough look at. And GOD FORBID those sleazy moguls should PROFIT from a war! How funny is that when both Playboy and Penthouse have been in dire financial straits for years while the defense contractors and other war profiteers make obscene amounts of money that make Hef's and Flynt's bank accounts look infinitesimally tiny. I know these laws and regulations are nothing new and there've always been similar restrictions on the military, but lately they seem to be making it even worse, writing new laws against visiting sex workers in foreign countries, etc. It's so contemptibly insane the way these shitheels don't care about killing soldiers or making them kill others, but they're really concerned about how even the tamest jack-off fodder is going to destroy their vulnerable little minds. My brain never stops being boggled by people defining for us what is decent and what is obscene who throw celebratory parades when real atrocities are committed. And the crazy contention that sex crimes and violence never happened before mass-distributed pornography came along? What the fuck ever. When are people going to see how irrational it is to make porn the scapegoat for men's dick-driven crimes? When are we going to be able to WEIGH indecency in a rational manner? I feel safer knowing there are heaping loads of bukkake porn on the internet and more women every day getting paid to take gobs of cum on their eyeballs than I do in knowing that millions of children are watching American Idol which teaches them to be so distanced from reality that they could be personally rewarded for stalking someone they see on television. They're *both* dehumanizing but one is intended for ADULTS and features people who were PAID to get cum on their faces; the other is marketed to children and histrionic adolescents who are being enculturated that it's not only acceptable but DESIRABLE to selfishly and unrealistically harass, stalk, and violate anyone they want who's in the public eye. These kids sign on to be singers and American Idol turns them into their unwitting whores, pimping them out to all the deranged fanatical, hormone-riddled viewers. Give the lady a kiss, David! Isn't that cute? Oh David, don't worry; we'll set up your Philadelphia date for you . . . we'll arrange *everything*! Is it in their contracts that they should expect to be physically mauled and publicly humiliated by total strangers? David Archuleta is underage, but it's okay for Fox to push him into the arms of "adoring" fans. God, can you imagine if it were Joe Francis instead of Ryan Seacrest doing that? Labels: celebrity, fans, television, worse than porn 1 comments -  
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Monday, May 05, 2008
Good Reads
I detest most social networking sites (MySpace, Facebook, etc.) so it's rare that I'll excitedly ask for friends to join one of them, but I *love* GoodReads. It's focused, list-oriented, and all about books. I want to see what my friends and fans are reading, so definitely friend me there and/or post a link in comments to your Good Reads profile. ***** Annoying ad I just saw in sidebar: BELLY FAT IS NASTY. Sigh. ***** Do you know how often we buy a groceries at the store to put in the food bank donation bin and forget to do so? Too often (and yet not often enough). That's why we have twice as many cans of Hunt's Spaghetti Sauce with sausage (flavoring) at home than we actually need. And no, we don't just try to buy the poor people crap, THAT IS JUST REALLY GOOD SPAGHETTI SAUCE! If you don't think so, you're just a snob living too high on the hog. It's both cheap AND delicious! You're missing out if you don't know what I'm talking about. I cannot walk by sale cans of that shit without snatching up a basketload. Labels: body image, books, class, food, links, money, web culture 2 comments -
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Sunday, May 04, 2008
On the Ball
 The other day I solicited feedback from any members who *want* to see me gain weight or enjoy the weight I've gained. This is, of course, a dangerous thing to do since some people fetishize weight gain to an unhealthy degree and the last thing I need, I suppose, is encouragement to gain more weight. I suppose. Anyway, I did get this one fun-to-read comment (which I've abbreviated here): . . . . the reason I joined first was because I thought/sensed you had the 'frame' to gain weight...or more accurately, the width of your hips gave you the kind of body type I love to see fill out. With that body type, the ass and thighs really expand. And so it is w/ you. . . . Big thick ass, full thighs, fuller belly, etc...when a woman can own this and really rock it, it's just so sexy. I would LOVE to see you facesitting, that's a natural for any woman who is gaining weight and accepts the sexual eroticism of her either large or growing ass. I would love to see you riding reverse cowgirl, so again we can see your full thick ass from behind as you ride - either a face or cock, whatever. Seeing you squat, totally sxe. I could go on and on and have wanted to voice this to you for some time....so since you offered an open invitation to us on this issue today, I'm jumping at the chance. And, yes, seeing you gain weight turns me on...knowing you have this love/hate w/ it turns me on....knowing you're reading this and thinking how it might even have the smallest impact on your thoughts or feelings, turns me on.Ahhhh, delightful. I only wish I *did* gain more weight in my rear; unfortunately a disproportionate amount of it goes to my belly and chins/neck. In fact, I calculated my waist-to-hip ratio here and it's definitely over the .8 threshold. Still, my butt and thighs are definitely bigger than they used to be so that is, in many ways, a dream come true. It would be good if I did more exercise to build bigger butt muscles; I saw a marked improvement when I was going to the gym and using the elliptical on certain settings. For those of you who don't believe I've gained a potentially unhealthy amount of weight or think I'm exaggerating my belly size, check this out. The balance ball picture is newest, but they all show where the bulk of my fat is stored. Note: I'm not done building that little niche site, but it will have my chubbiest pictures, some of which I've not posted on my main site. It's a learning experience and therapeutic little project of mine. Anyway, thanks for the feedback, anonymous commenter, and I hope you enjoy the latest gallery of me sitting on a big balance ball; the video will be even plumper and juicier!  Labels: beauty standards, body image, health, natural boobs, nudity, PHOTOS 1 comments -
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Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Jimi Hendrix Sex Tape
 Okay, sex with Jimi Hendrix is definitely the stuff fantasies are made of so I'm definitely curious about seeing his purported sex tape with two chicks. Looking at the preview video, I'm not convinced it's him (the face the guy's making looks like someone doing a comedy skit) but as a chick the mere IDEA or suggestion of fucking Jimi Hendrix is enough to send me into a groovy orgasmic hallucination. I'm almost afraid to watch it and have the fantasy ruined; I'm not the only person to feel that way, either. I also have mixed feelings about the women in the video who are not identified and if the film *is* authentic/wasn't staged (which I doubt), it's kind of gross that the women apparently haven't been identified meaning they're likely to still be alive but they haven't given consent and won't be compensated, and we in the porn industry will be making money off of them since they're the ones front and center in the video, with "Jimi" only making brief appearances. While their anonymity facilitates fantasizing about sex with him, it makes me uncomfortable the way they're being discusses by the press as non-entities. Living in Western Washington my whole life, there are basically three Elvises: Elvis (duh), Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. And two of them are the stuff of sex dreams. Hmmm. . . maybe an Elvis & Jimi threesome? Or would that be too much . . . Labels: celebrity, music, Pacific Northwest, SEX, TURN ONS, VIDEO 2 comments -
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Ice Vibing
Part of a dream from last night's collection: I'm taking care of the abandoned toddler but also realize no grownups are present so in the shed sitting on the ice I start "using" (if you know what I mean) my vibrating guitar-hero-style guitar. I'm looking out the windows and realize my stupid aunt is walking across the ice and looking in at me: I'm caught! She sees exactly what I'm doing and suddenly people are popping up all over outside while she draws attention to me standing stunned in the window with the guitar vibrating against my crotch. I'm still wearing pants for decency's sake, but still -- I'm mortified. Labels: dreams, masturbation 0 comments -
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Sunday, April 27, 2008
Help pay for an abortion & get some porn!
Speaking of social events with a purpose, we're not going to be able to make it to this fundraiser tomorrow, but PLEASE READ about it and consider donating. Keep it on your "worthy causes" bookmarks! It provides perspective a lot of us lack (or have the luxury to not consider often) and is a necessary reminder of the thousands of ways responsible family planning is undermined and right choices are punished or made unavailable to women who are saddled with more than their fair share of costs and scary-ass consequences for getting (and not getting) abortions. To provide some extra incentive, I will comp you a six week membership to our sites (if you want) if you donate. If you make it like a "gift" in my behalf I'll get an ecard like this (click for a suggestion on how to fill it out so I'll know you want to take me up on this):  Upon receiving the email/e-card it may take me up to 48 hours (or more if we're gone) to manually set you up, but it's a major bargain since normally six weeks of membership would cost over $30 but with this I can't tell how much you donated so you could get it for the minimum donation amount. If you would like to donate more than $30 (please do!) and be personally rewarded for it with more membership time, forward me your receipt and I will set you up with a correspondingly longer amount of time. And if you don't want a membership but you just want to brag, I'll enjoy seeing how much you donated just for fun if you feel like sharing that info. NOTE: you are not *buying* a membership from me, you are donating money and I am personally rewarding you for it; if you are not happy with a membership to our sites understand that you don't have an opportunity for a refund and I will personally hunt you down and beat you senseless if you do a chargeback. Not that I will have the information to do that, but just pretend. Obviously if you want to buy a membership but NOT donate, you should join our sites the regular way. There are a lot of reasons why I'd love to help this particular clinic to help women in this way, but one of the semi-senseless reasons is that it's in Tacoma which is like the hometown of my heart; I feel very connected to that place so for selfish reasons it just makes me feel more emotionally invested than if it were Portland or Tulsa or wherever. And I really like the idea of someone I know and love being made happier by helping distribute the money to help women she sees face-to-face at work. Note: yes, I know that the title of this post could be perceived as tasteless and may not be something people want to be associated with; I am not speaking on behalf of anybody but myself here, so understand that I am in no way affiliated with the clinic, Heather is not in cahoots with me and am only drumming up donations and offering some motivation as a private entity. This message is not endorsed by the people who will benefit from your donations, mkay? If tacky title leads to page views leads to donations, I'm personally all for it, but recognize others might not like it. Also, if you are someone who assumes the porn in my site is all politically-correct and emotionally safe just because I'm pro-choice and identify as a feminist, I want to warn you that you might find some of my porn disturbing and/or offensive, particularly if you do not "consume" a lot of porn already. Labels: abortion, charity, gender issues, health, money, philanthropy, pregnancy, sex work 0 comments -
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My Hot Social Life
Attending our county convention yesterday as an Obama delegate counted as my social event for 2008; so what if I only struck up conversations with three people? That's more action than this hermit usually sees.  Because socializing both bores and overwhelms me, I love getting my social time doing things with an agenda where there are rules guiding behavior and people in charge of reinforcing those rules. Parliamentary procedure definitely fills that need, and the lady I complained about here did an awesome job of keeping people in line, pushing them closer to the microphones, speaking coherently and just being generally awesome. She only used one acronym demanding clarification from an audience member which she explained without apology; you've no idea how much I admire that in a woman. While the acronym thing bugs me, I love her unapologetic down-to-business attitude. It was both a relief and a disappointment discovering that the next caucus happens at the same time we'll be attending the transgender conference where we're on a panel so I couldn't even try to get elected to move on; you wouldn't believe how many people couldn't grasp the concept of a thirty second speech, couldn't keep their name tags swiveled around so people could see their names, and didn't even understand why the timekeeper was waving her arms at them after they'd been droning on in a disorganized fashion for upwards of 90 seconds! Anyway, it was fun being surrounded by liberal people getting a charge out of showing off their familiarity with Robert's Rules of Order. I loved every minute of it, including the annoying parts/people. The Kucinich fanatics even made wonderful hyper-idealistic points and invited us to join in their futile, counterproductive bid to send as many "undecided" delegates on as possible. It was inspiring, it really was; in addition to preferring structured social events, I also like people-time that has an inspirational and/or change-making purpose, so I loved being in a crowd of people who are all excited about the positive changes our next president can bring and empowered to be part of that. I wound up bonding with a lady who of course asked me what I do for a living. As usual, I first responded with the deliberately vague "webmaster". With her lovely shining smile she probed deeper, asking, "so what does that mean exactly?" I liked her and felt like she was a relaxed person, so I told her; "I make porn sites." Her smile stayed on, bright white and wide and her eyebrows perked up naughtily while she asked me to repeat myself. I laughed and teased her, "you heard me: PORN!" She loved it, responded with fascinating disclosures about herself, and thanked me for making her day. Labels: accomplishments, Barack Obama, confessions, inspiration, neighbors, Pacific Northwest, politics, relationships, storytelling 0 comments -
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Thursday, April 24, 2008
Reward
Here's the latest on our conception attempts along with a fertile piece of art I'm coveting. Delia and I are trying not to eat out so often; we've actually done pretty well with that this year. It's not that I mind spending the money on it because we don't go totally crazy with it, it supports local business people and I need to get out of the house SOME time, but we aren't even enjoying it that much anymore and do it more for comfort than anything else. Anyway, we're now motivating ourselves not to eat out by listing frivolous things we want that are in the eat-out price range and focusing on those when we feel tempted. $20-$25 is our average lately since we usually split something, so at the end of every week we manage not to eat out we're rewarding ourselves with $25 each. Is that dorky? Whatever. Since we didn't eat out for a week, I used my money plus some other in my phone sex money stash to buy her:  I feel good about my purchase, partly because it's something beautiful (way prettier than leftover mexican food) and partly because I bought it from some awesome bus-dwelling people. It's always interesting to me when I compare what other people charge for their arts/crafts/work to what *I* charge for access to my porn, stories, shows and spycams. In many ways they're incomparable, but at first glance I have to gasp at how relatively inexpensive it was to buy something as gorgeous as this doll, something that must have taken hours to make -- something I myself can't fathom having the time, talent, skill or patience to to make. It's amazing to think about all of the life that goes into something like that from the sheep to the person collecting the wool to all of the steps in making the doll: shaping, dying and whatever else I'm clueless about. It makes me wonder why I don't buy MORE beautiful, handmade things. I love them, but it always strikes me as a luxury/something I'll do LATER, when I don't have debt; that way of thinking is pure fucking nonsense, though. And it really seems RIGHT for me to cycle the money people spend on me as luxury/entertainment/personal support by doling some of it out to other small-business people and artists, right? On top of that I think I feel more inspired to do better work when I spend time looking at and touching other people's beautiful work. I spend most of my money on plastics and electronics and such, justifying it as being "for work", but forgetting that I need personal/spiritual juice for my work to be worth doing. ***** On Saturday I'm doing my civic duty at our county convention as an Obama delegate; I've canceled my shows that day rather than rescheduling them; there was no way I could get my other work (shoots, webmastering, etc.) done this week if I crammed show day into another slot. What I *have* done, though, is put a chat session at 9 pm Saturday night. I know that's probably going to make it unattendable for some people, but I'm not sure when I'll be home from the thing and want to have dinner and a break in between (my social juices being in always short supply). Labels: art, budget, customer relations, links, money, politics, priorities, shopping, things I treasure 2 comments -
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Thursday, April 17, 2008
You don't know what SMFRBJK-FALCO stands for?!?!
aka "Acronyms and the People Who Love Them". I grumble whenever I read a blog post, a letter to the editor or anything intended for a general audience using an acronym or abbreviation that hasn't been spelled out; unless you are writing for a special audience of people you shouldn't assume everyone will know what you mean when you type out XYXY blah blah blah. Today I found myself *especially* annoyed when I read this email about who qualifies for affirmative action when choosing delegates for State and National conventions: *The WA State goals of their 97 delegates is: 6 African Americans, 3 Native Americans, 10 Hispanics, 3 Youth (between 18 and 24), 7 LGBT (if you have to ask- you are not one), 9 Asian Americans, 3 disabledSigh. And if you are too busy being cute or evasive that you can't spell it out, then your email isn't really helpful in answering people's FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions). FYI: LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bi(sexual), Transgender. I know I'm guilty of assuming my readers understand the terms I use. I know I don't always explain things as well as I could (and am sometimes just guilty of shitty writing, like the way I totally didn't explain up there that the reason I *got* that email was because I am an Obama delegate to one of the low-level meetings where they decide who becomes a delegate to the NEXT level and so on; if you're a minority, you have a better chance of being selected to move on). And I know that other people who drop acronyms without defining them are usually in a hurry or DO write for people who share their specialized knowledge (though I think they can really alienate people who DON'T but are seriously trying to understand the writer; it bugs me when unnecessary hurdles are placed between me and information). This case just REALLY chaps my hide because the person writing it 1) acknowledges that some people might not know what it stands for, 2) decides that the information isn't applicable to anyone who DOESN'T know, 3) decides to withhold the information when it would take just as many keystrokes to spell it out as it did to deny us the information, and 4) is just really insulting and patronizing to people who aren't "in the know". I'm sure the person writing it didn't MEAN to be an asshole, but it's so TYPICAL of Democrats and "Liberals" who are so busy bullshitting themselves and each other with their social awareness and intellectual elitism that they don't even bother to notice that THEY AREN'T HELPING OR EDUCATING ANYBODY outside of their literati circle jerks. Oh, sure, most people these days probably have an idea of what LGBT stands for and I wouldn't have even batted an eye at the acronym if it weren't for the flip secret-password remark afterwards. I imagine there are a lot of people, older people or even younger people just becoming self-aware, who don't go to fucking rallies and meetings and parades and stuff and maybe have not even given any thought to the possibility that they are part of a special group. I feel like too many people assume that the whole world is full of social butterflies and they don't GET that some people don't identify with the cliques and the crowds and the activists with their secret codes and handshakes. And WHY do you want your readers to have to interrupt the flow of reading whatever it is you supposedly want them to hear and understand just so they can consult a dictionary or encyclopedia or google to find out something you could have explained in four words or less? I would be more sympathetic if the authors of these things were writing a fucking telegram or a tweet or something else short and sweet BUT THEY NEVER ARE!! These people invariably have the time and energy to write at least fifty-nine exhausting paragraphs telling you more information than you could possibly ever want or need, letting you know what they had for breakfast and how many hours they slept the night before and every single model of camera they've had since they were in Kindergarten, but they refuse to trouble themselves with two to ten words that are actually fucking relevant. You torture yourself reading these people's writing, you know they have something important to say, and while you're giving yourself a migraine staring intently at your monitor they HURL these sharp pointy rocks at you every so often just to break up the monotony: ASFW! MRPQ! WOS-VINA!! Anyway, I shot myself in the foot (as I like to do) by writing back to the person who sent the email: It *is* possible for someone to be "LGBT" without knowing the politically correct and cool acronym that goes along with it. I'm not sure what is accomplished by acknowledging some people might not know what it stands for and then denying them the explanation. Also, people who AREN'T queer or transgender might like to be in the know; it would help raise awareness where it's lacking. Just because people are interested in participating in this particular process doesn't mean they are politically savvy about every special interest group out there.I know, I know -- you have to be living under a ROCK to not know what LGBT stands for, right? But there are lots of people living under rocks, many of them quite happily, and they are JUST the people who DO need to know what LGBT stands for so when you alienate them? It's really counterproductive. And you know what else? If I hadn't read that email I wouldn't have known that I actually have an on-paper edge for going to the next level; yes, I *did* think about my sexuality and my partner's gender identity as things that make me special/representative of a minority group, but I totally hadn't thought about it being, like, OFFICIAL. And seriously, I actually have had and will continue to have qualms about counting myself as part of that minority group because I believe the *majority* of people are bisexual and I don't believe I've "suffered" enough personal persecution because of my pansexuality to "deserve" to check a special box; this might come as a shock, but I spend a lot more of my time thinking about porn and sex work and promiscuity and making money than I do about the intersection of my comparatively mundane sexual preferences with personal political privilege (I think about it with regards to OTHER people and I think about how scary it is to live next to violent misogynist rednecks while in an "alternative" relationship but I just didn't happen to wander across thinking about affirmative action having anything to do with me *personally* in an up-and-coming kind of way; I think about the ideas of things and sometimes the reality of them comes as a total shock). So guess what? If *I* have trouble knowing how to identify myself, I of the blogs and websites and open-mindedness and college-education and whatever, then it's not hard for me to imagine a whole lot of other people are unsure too. I mean, I'm pretty sure that at least half the individuals in the world know less than I know (individually, not combined!). Not to be an asshole, but seriously. FWIW. WTF? LGBT FTW. Oh, I know similar complaints could be made about using "big" words that the average reader doesn't use on a daily basis (if ever), but I honestly think big words are different from acronyms; you can usually suss out the meaning of a big word based on context clues and familiar-sounding PARTS of the word. If not, the reader has only missed out on ONE word, not a whole batch like those contained in an acronym which is often the subject of the sentence, not just some fancy-sounding adjective thrown in for its saucy sound. Labels: affirmative action, audience, blogging, customer relations, identity, LGBT, politics, rants, sexuality, sociopolitical commentary, writing 3 comments -
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Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Jelly Belly
I found this video while researching fat belly fetish movies to get ideas for a small plumper site I want to make with my chubby pictures: Like the last video I posted, I know it's just supposed to be "funny" but I actually adore it (and think the sprinkler and body slam shots were *hot*); you can always count on me to love videos of people dancing and grooving without trying to look cool. I mean, I also love watching people dance better, but even more I love seeing regular people expressing themselves and making their whole bodies giggle and shriek. ***** I always intended to make a chubby Trixie site, but I have lots of ideas that I don't have time for so I've never done anything with it (even though I have a couple of domains that are perfect for it: JellyRollJane.com and RubenX.com. Right now my belly is probably bigger than it's ever been, though, so I have a few more photos than usual I've been reluctant to post on my regular site AND I'm constantly trying to hide how big it is during shoots; that's SILLY since it would be so easy for us to take about 25 more pictures each shoot that EMPHASIZE my belly fat and would be marketable to a unique audience. I do feel guilty and self-conscious about even admitting I want to segregate my roly-poly belly pictures from my other photos (the ones where I don't make a point of showing how big my pot belly is); I know that a lot of people like the belly fat and I know that I'm always talking the big talk about sharing myself in all of my natural glory (hence the almost-in-your-face menstruation stuff, etc.) BUT I'm definitely reluctant to highlight rolls of belly fat, cellulite and double chins in the members-only area of TastyTrixie.com. It's still all *there*; I'm not actually hiding it from members (and I do have some fairly in-your-face chub pics and galleries), I'm just not sure about taking it to the next level of really fetishizing those parts of myself and the truth is that I kind of want to. I remember the first time we shot photos meant to augment the sight of my belly fat; it was SO AWESOME, the feeling of letting go and letting it all hang out instead of sucking it in and drawing attention to anything BUT my belly. Because I am quite chubby looking right now, I could really stand to have some fun with it instead of worrying about people who join my site not anticipating they're getting a chubby chick. And people? Don't even try to reassure me about this one; I'm just being realistic; YES I know there are lots of people who will adore me no matter what. Unfortunately I am neither in-shape NOR fat enough to turn-on chubby chasers to the extent of making a real living off of it. I am average; the best I can hope for with my site when it comes to my body is to attract members who are aroused by an average body type; I'm pretty sure most of those guys can tolerate and/or are aroused by a little extra padding but a REALLY bulging belly with an obvious overhang and many rolls of fat? I think that would alienate and turn-off a lot of my audience; Lord only knows I already do enough to alienate and turn-off my fans so adding the really big taboo of fat on top of that is probably not a wise business decision. Again, it's not that I don't show off fatness on my site (you know I love showing off the backphat, especially) but I'm concerned that if I take it much farther (belly-jiggling videos, videos of me overeating/talking about how much I love to eat/describing how I'm getting bigger, hiding toys & dildos in my folds, pooching out my belly as far as it will go, etc.) that people will be . . . confused. I started compiling more fat-focused photo galleries today and it felt SO GOOD to look FOR really chubby pics instead of hoping not to come across them. Looking at pictures of my belly hanging over my waistband suddenly became a joy instead of a nuisance simply because I started looking at them from the perspective of people who specifically SEEK OUT that look for masturbation fodder. While I do have some reservations about catering to fat fetishists, if I just make a small collection available OFF my main site then it won't require a lot of time or long-term commitment (and I won't have to pay for the fall-out of alienating the average-body fans). Part of me just really wants to give expression to the growing magnificence of this part of my body along with some of my food fantasies. I have a lot of specialty interests (gloves, bubblegum, stockings, feet, taboo roleplays, and numerous underground fetishes) but my chub is something I feel especially suited to explore right at this moment in time. It will be a good experiment, anyway, and for those of you who *do* want to see it and are already members? I will figure out how to share it with by request and/or some of it will show up on TastyTrixie anyway in spite of my reservations and/or could be combined with FertileTrixie; the pregnancy fetish is complex enough that it also encompasses people who like seeing women growing/inflating and might crossover enough with the fat belly stuff I'm doing that it will all meld together in a delicious vat of plump 'n pregnant stew. Shit -- I hope I'm not talking this up too much and getting people's hopes up; I'm not talking about investing a whole lot of time in making special content like this so DON'T GET TOO EXCITED all ye fans of fat! I'm just looking forward to shooting some stuff that doesn't require me to try to be attractive from head to toe and allows me to express another part of my personality. Fetish stuff can be such a relief to shoot because people don't spend as much time looking at "the whole package"; you are beautiful to them just for having the right color of nail polish or a strong prescription for glasses . . . or an abundance of skin folds and wobbly flesh around your midsection. On top of all of that, I have always wanted to see more porn featuring women who are truly average/just a little bit overweight and in porn? That's kind of hard to find since the industry focuses on extremes. I know there are some twisted thoughts in this post and some unclear/contradictory thinking so yeah; I know my feelings, values and thoughts are muddled and maybe fucked up. If anyone wants to leave comments, I'm most interested in looking at this from a business point of view and hearing from people who consider themselves BBWs AND from fans on whether or not belly fat turns YOU on -- I don't want to hear polite reassurances (though I thank you for your kindness), only the truth if it turns you OFF or if it's really something you dig. Labels: beauty standards, customer relations, fetishes, health, the porn industry, TURN ONS, TURN-OFFS, webwhore insights, work 4 comments -
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Sunday, April 13, 2008
Anything that sounds like Chewbacca . . .
Are you surprised that this is a huge turn-on to me? Seriously -- it makes me HOT. Those of you who know me well can tell I'm being honest because any guy who sounds sort of like Chewbacca is going to get me hot (I never had an eye for Luke Skywalker; it was *all* about Chewie and Han Solo . . . well, and Princess Leia, but anyway); I also dig their disparate heights. I *might* have been even more receptive to it after first enjoying a couple of other la Pequeña Amy Winehouse videos to get me in the mood. They are perfect -- BRILLIANT! Here's one of them: I wish my porn was that awesome. This goes in the "inspiration" folder. Labels: celebrity, inspiration, TURN ONS, VIDEO, web culture 0 comments -
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Audience Size
Yesterday during one of my chat & masturbation webcam shows, a viewer asked me if I prefer a large or a small audience. I tried to be diplomatic about it, partly because I myself am uncomfortable with the true answer, so I said that there are pros and cons of each (which *is* true, but is not the answer). The truth is that I prefer big audiences over small ones for group camshows. I either want to do a private show for just ONE person who pays me by the minute OR I want to do a group show for as many people as possible. Even though smaller crowds are almost always more polite, there is still a bigger thrill associated with having lots and lots and lots of people watching me at once. I know this answer probably sounds contradictory given some of the complaints I have made about doing shows for big groups along with the enjoyment I've told you I experience doing shows for smaller crowds; I'm not invalidating anything I've said before -- those complaints and acknowledgments still stand. But I've *also* told you how I love the feeling of immortality provided by having my life/living enlarged by being watched: Through my porn sites I have attained a degree of immortality. It sounds crazy, but it's true and it fascinates me. So much of the work I do amplifies and extends my living; I do feel like I'm more alive because so many people KNOW that I'm living, WATCH me living, READ me living, etc. It's heady, powerful stuff that overfeeds my most basic, primitive survival instincts. Maybe my own instincts have gone off the rails or I'm unwittingly describing the hallmarks of some kind of pathology, but whatever. Some people cheat death through extreme sports to feel more alive, some people have kids, some people perform acts of heroism . . . but I feel more alive simply because a few bloggy book people (along with thousands of men who've become erect and spilled seed over my web-graven images) know who I am.I know it sounds more like cancer of the ego than immortality, but regardless of whether its source is mental illness or the actual attainment of mythological proportions, I *feel* superhuman because of all the people watching me going about life in my bubble. This feeling isn't something I experience on a conscious level, it's primal (which is funny since it happens because of technology). I'm pretty sure it's the same feeling that drove Evil Men throughout History to invade and conquer neighboring and distant nations and peoples: to have legions of men lined up and standing erect before you, assimilated and saluting you, compelled to stand mutely before you and powerless to leave unless you expel them. It is heady stuff, and you feel it most when you have either *one* person ensnared OR impressively large numbers of them. This morning when we fucked we were being watched by people on three different spycam networks. I like that. I cannot tell exactly how many people were watching and I wasn't interacting with any of those people, but I *did* like logging into one of those networks afterwards to find that 84 people were still watching there even after we had been done for ten minutes. I liked seeing that we had more viewers than any other houses. The numbers are small compared to the glory days back when I started exhibiting spycams, but still . . . fucking is even better somehow when there is a number attached to it of anonymous people who witnessed it. The bigger the number, the better it is (as long as those people had to pay an entrance fee of some sort to see it, otherwise it loses its charm). The same is true of the group shows that do have interaction; I confess it excites me more to see 500-1500 people watching than it does 50. It's nothing personal; on the contrary -- it's something very IMpersonal. There's safety in numbers, even though there are always more assholes in big audiences and they have said some terrifyingly offensive shit to me; I feel less of an obligation to each individual person because I think of them more as a *mass* of people. I don't feel as awkward or self-conscious because there's a lot of static washing over me in the chatroom. There are also more people to play off of and time passes quickly; even though I find much of what is said is repetitive and obnoxious, it's just more entertaining than having a few people being really nice to me. And? There's a massive thrill in NOT doing what A LOT of people WANT me to do. Most of those people come to shows not to chat or to see a striptease, but for immediate graphic sexual stimulation. I spend about 40 minutes chatting and not being sexually graphic. And then when I am masturbating? It's, ummm, actually pretty boring to watch, I think. I do it virtually the same way in the same position every show without variation except in toys and occasionally asshole versus pussy. I'm not saying my shows are BAD -- I think they're relaxing, funny, genuine, and sexy -- but there are other women putting on much more wank-worthy shows: the kinds most people are *expecting* to see. When I don't give them that and it angers them, I feel flooded with power. I love telling them that if they want to tell me how to masturbate they'll have to get a private show where they pay me by the minute. If they are good guys, they'll ask how they can make that happen (and then I thrill at the opportunity to deny them, since I rarely ever do private shows anymore). THE MORE PEOPLE I DENY (or whose expectations I defy), THE MORE I'M THRILLED. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love it when people love my shows and express their appreciation or that I don't love civilized conversation -- I *do*, it's just that there is a special thrill that comes with making hundreds of men horny and mad and unable to make me do what they want; I think this might be the only almost-safe platform for deliberately sexually provoking men/"leading them on" where saying no won't lead to a physical assault or gang rape, and it is BECAUSE I know that what some of those guys are feeling and saying is precisely what many men (maybe even some of the same ones) have said and felt that led them to hurt women in real life that I feel thrilled; maybe a part of me feels that I'm standing at a unique point in history on a unique technological platform that allows me to magically elude the violent attacks I would suffer were I to say the things I say (and do the things I do) in any other place and time; it's probably the closest I can come to defying death. Oh, and of course there's also a thrill that comes with hearing a lot of guys tell me they've jerked themselves into a creamy frenzy during my shows. It's the idea of hundreds (preferably thousands) of CRAZED MEN going apeshit bonkers that gets me so psychologically worked up. Oh, I know those of you who attend my shows are remembering all the times I've dismissed the question I'm asked every show of, "how does it make you feel that 457 (or however many people are present in the chatroom) men are jerking off to you?" but the only reason I act disinterested is because it's technically inaccurate since I know that not *everyone* watching is male and not everyone is watching the show with one hand on their genitals. My problem with the question is mostly the way that it's worded along with the hope they have that I'll say something about how WET it makes me; it's not that I do not get aroused by these thoughts, however I don't have time or enough stimulation during my shows (especially at the beginning of them, which is usually when someone asks that question) to really fantasize about that. No, the natural excitement I feel regarding those numbers is POWER. The times I've gotten aroused by viewers in group shows have been when guys say something kinky about themselves like the unusual way they're masturbating (Oh Trixie, I'm just about to cum in my roommate's shoe watching you!) or confessing something like my best friend Brad and I have been jack-off buddies since we were 12; I'm imagining he's here now & we're watching you together, beating off! or just a number of simple status report like Oh, Trixie! I had to stop stroking my pole and pinch it because I almost came at the sight of your hairy butthole! or even just good old, Unnhhhhhhhjuscameonmykeyboard!. Unfortunately I get way too few of these kinds of remarks during my shows to really rely on viewer input for arousal and the other stuff I *do* hear regularly is often funny, but rarely a turn-on: Do you want my cum? Tell me you want my cum!! Doesn't work from a random stranger in a crowded room; in a private show or phone sex? That has potential. Will you marry me? I'll get you pregnant! The ultimate turn-off. Shuttup Bitch! I didn't come here to listen to you talk philosophy! While I enjoy this for the element of power, it doesn't arouse me sexually. I know this sounds sick, but it's an incredible feeling, knowing there are men SEETHING with hatred and contempt for me but they CAN'T make me shut up. Part of me enjoys hearing all of the predictable ugly insults (fat, ugly, old, stupid, etc.), because I know it is a very VERY special thing to sit here and be safe even when faced with confirmation that women are still loathed and victimized in very scary, gender-specific ways. If asked what size audience DOES sexually arouse me most, I'd refer you back to private shows: ONE viewer arouses me most, one that I'm interacting with who is paying me by the minute to talk to me, tell me what to do and/or to expose himself to me. Private shows and phone sex are extremely sexually exciting to me (because they're hot, not because I feel like I'm flirting with danger). You want to know a big reason why I don't do them much anymore? Because they aren't as private as they used to be when I started camming and doing phone sex. It used to be just me and one other person: the viewer. Now my circumstances and the camsites have changed so much that I have way too many audiences to really get off on it the way I used to; there are people watching me on our spycams, the cam networks have sneak peeks running and archives being captured, I feel self-conscious with Delia in the house, etc. It's too much exposure for something that used to be hot because it was SO private. That's actually a subject for another blog entry I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I bring it up to illustrate how many different factors there are and yardsticks for measuring what kinds of shows I like doing best and how many people I like watching them (which is why the diplomatic answer IS TRUE; there are pluses and minuses to all of the different kinds of camming I do). A few people who've had phone sex with me or chatted with me extensively are probably aware how much the numbers mean to me on many different levels; it *is* a big turn on to contemplate the numbers and the gallons, the spurts and the jerks of a large population. But the most instant reaction I have to the numbers DURING my shows is a surge of omnipotence more than arousal. The more people watching, the more power I have (and the more I feel I'm cheating death, I suppose). Labels: answered questions, chat, confessions, sex work, sociopolitical commentary, spycams, true crime, voyeurism, wankers, web culture, webcam shows, webwhore insights 0 comments -
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Saturday, April 12, 2008
The Deal
Here's the deal; I'm super tired, but feel like I can't let the week end without posting an entry here. Tons of blog entries in draft form that I can't seem to finish for one reason or another, so checking-in will have to do for now. The week of my birthday (March 17th) I was working on aging and getting into a huge confrontation with my mom. The emotional fallout from that continues to plague me. It's nothing tragic or life-threatening, just cause for introspection and worry over how to apologize (if I even should) and if so, for which part. It's more complicated than that (while also being very pedestrian), but I'll leave it at that. End of March, as you know, we discovered yet again that we're not pregnant . . . another non-life-threatening emotional drain. April: have been working on many geeky projects to boost our income; site redesigns, etc. The only part of that we've actually finished is the members-only redesign of Delia's site, but it did suck up a lot of time and energy. In general I've been leaning at a noticeable slant towards the asshole-end of my personality spectrum so this week I've done a few things to help me straighten up and fly right; we took almost a whole day off, yesterday I got a massage, and we've had a couple of outings involving strolling through town, walking the dog at dusk, and breathing fresh air. I believe my main problem is hormonal; the longer I am off the pill, the more monstrous I feel and act. Of course, it could be the circumstances that are getting to me, but I honestly don't think that's the biggest part of the problem; I think my problem is chemical. Fortunately there are a lot of things I can do to help myself feel better: exercise, eat better, listen to music, stretch, get massage, go outside, decide how I want to feel and act and make that my real work every day, etc. Unfortunately? I'm not very disciplined with the food and exercise and really just want to be able to WORK-work without worrying about taking care of myself. It's ridiculous because I have so much freedom and flexibility, yet I can't seem to keep things in balance. I'm good at allowing myself plenty of time to daydream and as much sleep as I need, but I want to be better at regularly giving myself therapeutic physical pleasure: dancing, massage, breathing, stretching, crying, etc. Yeah, sex is in there too, but the other stuff is what I'm needing most, am most apt to neglect, and is most likely to lead to fucking when I get them in adequate quantities with regularity. So. Long story short is that I've been having a bit of a hard time, and that I'd like to hold that craziness at arm's length because it really does seem alien to me, not because it's unfamiliar but because, from a rational perspective (and having been in this territory many times in my life), I just don't think these are my organic struggles -- I feel like they're thrust on me by the exaggerating effects of hormone fluctuations. It's like I can't even BELIEVE what I'm feeling except when I'm in the tightest grip of feeling shitty. I really believe I'm a happy person, and it frustrates me that something sometimes seems to be getting in the way of me FEELING and ACTING happy. I'm not saying that deep inside me there's a bubbly cheerleader sort of happy person just waiting to get out, but I *am* a grateful, overjoyed-by-small-things and delighted-by-life happy person. I'm just depressed sometimes, too. So. I'm not posting this to solicit pity or concern, just letting people know part of what's been going on with me. In the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal, not even to me, but I know a lot of people go through the same kinds of things and can relate. I'm working on it, I'm hopeful, and I don't want anyone to have the impression all has been a storm cloud of ugliness lately in my life when that's totally untrue. Today was like magic, in fact, and there have been buttloads of bright spots over the past month. It's just that a lot of life has been annoyingly peppered with little flecks of shit, know what I mean? It's like having the perfect mocha with what seems to be shavings of gorgeous chocolate, but after you take a sip you discover that those are actually grated remains of the petrified brains of Mad Cow Disease victims. Labels: depression, emotions, family, goals, health, hormones, mundane, work 0 comments -
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